Reflections of the poet as a Muslim. Some terms used may need some explaining for new or non-Muslims and I insert a hyperlink to a fuller explaination next to the word or concept.
Reflections of womanhood
Random Thoughts
It started with a nasty word
Flung out effortlessly from my
Lips pursed and white, redness
Filled my cheeks ferociously
Forming every word with precision.
I had chosen to pick out
from a thousand petty complaints
some weakness he had that
bugged me that I had never said
before and left him a demoralised
lump of wasted husband.
I had let it rip like some how
I was the one more superior
And he was not; but he just sat in
The storm and let it pass
Saying nothing, sweet as always,
Letting the chunks fly at him.
My blah blah filled the room like
Furniture; the room now crowded
With more like it all stacked up with no
Room to move; I could hardly breath--
I had to leave. I made for the door
But he held it closed, I was trapped
In my own snare. He is better than I.
Wrought with regret, thought flowed in
I am a lump of ungrateful wife!
I emerged from my delusion of grandeur
and paced around the room;
It's obvious I am not
A good Muslim, that I have been
Letting shaytan whisper in my ear.
He wants to bust up our marriage.
He is winning, and I am just a puppet.
Oh Allah what do I do now?
How can I keep on here living as
If nothing happened? Can we move
The furniture to the end of the
Walk and burn it? Surely it will be
The fuel that feeds the fire where
I will be later on oh what can I do now
To repent?
I opened my mouth to speak
"Dear husband, I am sorry,
Please forgive me, I did not
Mean the things I said; Shaytan came
Between us and I forgot Allah
Nancy E Biddle
Copyright © 2005-01-26
Part I: Wudu
I rolled up my sleeves and turned on the faucet
and the cool fresh water streamed out. (1)
"Bismallah" I whispered.
I wondered about the payers
Am I just a robot fulfilling my duty?
Will they protect me from the last day?
I rubbed my hands with water
front, back, between the fingers to the wrist.
The cool water dripped from the ends of my fingers.
I stared at them and wondered.
What filth did they touch today?
Which hand will receive the scroll? (2)
I filled my right hand with water and scooped it into my mouth
passing the water over my tongue, between my teeth and spat it out.
The cool water freshend my burning mouth.
And I savoured the cooling water and wondered.
What hot words did I say today?
Will I be singing praises or calling out anguish from the fire? (2)
I cupped my hand with water and sniffed in the water
one nostrel, then the other,
and I blew it out.
The cool water stung my sinuses and I wondered.
What terrible things did I smell today?
Later, will I be smelling sweet perfume or chared flesh?
I splashed my face with water
And spread it to reach my hairline, my chin
my ears.
The cool water soaked into my pours.
I searched my face in the mirror and wondered.
When they look at my face, what do others see?
On the last day, will my face shine bright or be darkend?
I raised my head and cupped the water to spread across my hair
front to back, back to front,
The cool water dripped off the ends of my hair.
My scalp tingled and I wondered.
Do I cover in Hijab for the right reasons?
Will my head withstand the heat from the blazing sun? (3)
I wiped my ears with the water on my fingers,
front and back and whispered:
Ashadu lailaha ilala wadu la shureeka lahu
Wa ashadu Muhamadin rasalul Allah. (4)
I wondered while the water blocked my ear.
Will I hear the call and be spared the horror?
Or will I hear the horrific claps of thunder
and rumbles of mountains crumbling
and the shrill regretful cries for mercy?
I lifted my feet into the sink and rubbed them in the water,
between the toes under the sole over the ankle one foot at a time.
And I wondered about my feet.
Do they walk along the right path or do they stray?
When I cross the bridge, will they grip it or slip into the fire?
I covered my head and rolled down my sleeves
and checked my hair did not poke out
and spread out my mat, and stood at the foot of it...
Am I just a robot fulfilling my duty?
Will they protect me from the last day?
Part II
Earlier, busy on my way, shopping in hand,
purse slipping off my shoulder, dragging my scarf with it,
choice words on the edge, heels clicking the sidewalk,
Djeleba blowing in the wind, I caught a glimps of my self
in a shop window.
The Asr sun reminded me I have missed the prayer, again.
And I stood before my reflection and wondered
I am a Muslim.
I look like one.
I wash like one.
I pray like one.
Is the outside a reflection of what is inside?
Or is it just a covering?
Am I really of the believers or do I just say I am?
Am I just a hypocrit?
I rushed home, and dropped my things,
and washed. and stood, poised for prayer.
Again, I mouthed the words, my own distorted Arabic.
I faced Allah in my nakendess, everything revealed, despite the covering.
I thanked Him in my weakness, my strength nothing without Him.
I asked for help, for there is no one else besides Him.
I asked for guidance, because I am lost
I repented, only He knows what is in my heart, even if I do not
And afterwards;
My hand nervously flipped the pages of the Koran
and I caught a glimpse of Glory:
“And unto Allah falleth prostrate whosoever is in the heavens and the earth,
willingly or unwillingly, as do their shadows in the morning
and in the evening hours. 13:15
And I fell prostrate. And I cried in sujud:
Make me among those who surrender.
And remind me frequently that I am there.
And I looked up from my prostration
And saw my reflection in the hall mirror.
I remembered my face wet during wudu,
I remembered my djeleba blowing in the wind,
I saw my struggling efforts,
I saw the Koran in my hand.
I spat to the left of me and asked for protection from shaytan.
I put my trust again in Allah.
I thanked Him for the glimpses,
And I felt whole.
Sunday, May 23, 1:06 A.M.
(1) Washing before prayer: http://www.islamonline.net/askaboutislam/display.asp?hquestionID=3666
(2) How we will receive our due on the last day: http://www.ishwar.com/islam/holy_quran_(palmer)/sura069.html
(3) There will be many tests on the last day, among them, we will have to stand under a hot sun and we will sweat in proportion to the sin or the wrongs we have done.
(4) Declaration that Allah is the only God and is the only one that deserves to be worshipped and declaration that Mohamed, peace be upon him, is the final prophet.
Without darkness there cannot be light
Therefore opposites are everywhere
Anger, fire, heat, and drought
Peace, ice, frost and flood
From one extreme to the other
Mutually existing dependant on the other
For balance and continuation.
We (humans) are all born with tawhid
And are innately compelled to witness
But "One God" is just part of the belief
And the other is the right path to follow
To know the right path there needs to be
A wrong path and there in lies the problem.
What I know and can return to always
Is that there is one God, Allahu akbar,
but the rest of it is ambiguous, clarity
Is just out of reach. It is the one extreme
I cannot know completely, but its opposites
I struggle with daily.
What seems clear (the signs, the direction
The right path, the Sunnah of the prophet pbuh)
Is not clear at all, even, and most of all the Quran
For a brief moment, in the depth of struggle
I had a flash of clarity, and I saw with certainty
Islam was the right way and I chose it.
Nancy E Biddle
Copyright © January 02 2005 (edited March 4, 2006)
"Umm" is arabic for "Mother of" and in the poem I am discussing with my new husband that I am infertile. He presents me with new hope based on faith. It is a beautiful poem and is said to have inspired at least one pregnancy.
This poem, about my infertility, is now published in the Islamic Writers Alliance Anthology: Many Voices, One Fath.
To purchase, please visit: http://www.islamicwritersalliance.net/
It used to be alright
Nancy E Biddle © October 2004
It used to be
that it was alright
if I sat down
at the family meal
with a scarf on my head
because my head
was cold.
Tucked in around my face
crossed in the front
and tied neatly
in the back, it seemed
to resemble a covering.
There is a breeze,
I would explain,
and that seemed to be
a perfectly good
reason, no more comment
needed.
I was often seen
with my head covered
a shawl thrown over it
in public.
Someone once asked me
Are you Muslim?
I said, No, I'm not.
I wasn't, but I thought
How lucky they were
to have a better reason
for covering their heads,
what ever that was
whether tradition
or piety.
Now I am Muslim,
and it is not alright
if I sit down
at the family meal
with a scarf on my head
for the sake
of modesty.
Tucked in around my face
crossed in the front
and tied neatly
in the back,
it seems to resemble
a smothering.
It is in the sunnah,
and the Koran,
the Prophets own wives did so
peace be upon them
And it is my choice,
I explain,
and that seems not to be
a perfectly good
reason, much more comments
needed to refute
the arguments.
I am often seen
with my head covered
a shawl thrown over it
in public.
When someone asks me
Are you Muslim?
I say, Yes, I am.
And they think what they think,
and I think what I think,
And I thank Allah
for the piety.
An elbow in the spleen.
-----------------------------------
I can only imagine
The baby contained
In my empty womb
The fullness protruding
Pushing things aside
To make room
I can only imagine
The little form moving
How it would seem
When it kicks, and turns--
What was that?
An elbow in the spleen?
Space for rent
----------------------
It is a nice place
Well padded for comfort and insulation from outside elements
Expands to fit your needs
Meals prepared daily
Cleaning and waste removal provided free of charge
Environment primed to let you focus on developing to your fullest potential
The lease is nine months
Nuftahs* welcome.
-----
* Or fetus welcome.
(c) October 2004 Nancy E Biddle
A tourist watching the beach scene--
Sunbathers out for an early dip
After a scrumptious breakfast--
Poked his buddy in the shoulder.
Do you see the sea? They had no time to react
The wall of water mounted and swept up everything
No one had a chance to run
Nothing could escape it.
He and his buddy, it was reported, clung together
as they floated backwards into parked cars
defying gravity up and over, dragged
in the swirling they lost their grip.
"I was caught by a branch and I was safe
But I do not know where "Rick" went.
He saw it first, and if it was not for him
I might have drowned. God I hope he's fine."
The buddy said, in the live report.
And while he spoke video rolled showing
Pieces of houses and people gripping on for life
A current broke a raft and ripped a family apart...
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