Destructocons vs. Chunk’s Drunks
On paper, this game looked to be a lock for the
Destructocons. Chunk’s Drunks were playing without their best pitcher Chris
Prima, and their manager and best drunk, Matt W. The Destructocons bolstered
their 1st place roster with their newly activated, much feared
pitching ace, Jack Sack Attack.
It turns out that the “on paper” evaluation was dead on. The
Destructocons took advantage of the Chunkless Drunks and dished out a spanking.
Not the good kind of spanking, either.
Destruct-o-captain Brett McWeirdguy started off the game in
usual form…striking out the first two batters with flashes of white plastic.
Lacking the front end of their starting rotation, the Drunks were forced to
turn to WFA veteran Mick to toss the first three frames. Despite his current
struggles at the plate, Mick is well established in the league as a dynamic
lead-off batter. He has the speed to turn bunts into doubles, the strength to
turn a misplaced pitch into a homer and the uncanny ability to turn 8 a.m. on a
hungover Saturday morning into HAPPY LOUD FUN TIME YAAAYYY LETS GO TO THE
BEACH! YAYAYAYAYA LETS HAVE A CARTWHEEL COMPETITION YAAahAY I’LL RACE YOU TO
DOVER AND BACK!!!
Pitching is just not Mick’s bag, however. The Destructocons
big bats started early, capitalizing on a patented Mike “Old School Magazine”
Evans walk, followed by Weirdguy’s triple and Dick-had’s sacrifice grounder. They
struck again two innings later when a Weirdguy single set the plate for a 2-run
homer by the Had. Mole’s triple then setup another sacrifice grounder, this
time supplied by rookie Nicole DiZnutsio.
The Drunks did manage to find a few silver linings, despite
the drubbing. Petey Pablo notched his first RBI of year on a hard hit single (a
number he would double by day’s end). McConnell got to peg someone. Jake lofted
his first homer of the season and finally got a hit off of Brett, the first he
has surrendered this season to a person with boy parts. Neil made his debut on
the mound, relying solely on his best pitch (change-up) to twice strike out his
Then Brett his a two-run homer and put the Drunks out of
Destructocons 7 – Chunk’s Drunks 2.
Game #2: Bumping
Uglies vs. Destructocons
Looking to go 2-0 for the weekend and expand their 1st
place lead, the Destructees took on the last place (1-3) Bumping Uglies. Everything
appeared to be going as planned for the Destrocotons in the beginning of the
game. Sack Attack showed few signs of rust, pitching three shutout innings to
lead off the game. The Destructocons liked their chances on offense as well.
They were scheduled to face pitcher Matt Carne-Asada, fresh off his third or
They seemed to be on the verge twice. Carney allowed two
base runners to get aboard in both the 1st and 3rd frame
before dropping the K-hammer to get out of the jam. Carney’s performance did
the trick as the Uglies were able to keep the scoreboard blank until turning
the ball over to team ace, Zak Prima.
With Jack out of the game, the Uglies sought to pounce on
seldom used pitcher, Mike Moleman. Their first attempt was unsuccessful as the
Mole dug deep to overcome a Staiber leadoff single by striking out the side. The
Uglies next chance, in the bottom of the 5th, provided much better
results. In a flurry of hits, the Ugs broke the scoreless game wide open.
Zak led off with a double, followed by B-Rad’s infield
single which was in turn followed by Mimi’s RBI single. Southpaw Staib then
cleared the bases by smacking a 2-run triple. Frank, coming off an MVP caliber
season, proved he nose the fundamentals of the game by putting the ball on the
ground and giving Staib a chance to score from third base. The failed peg at
home let Frank glide into first safely, his second hit of the year.
On the next play, Frank took a dump on ‘fundamentals’ by not
tagging up on Carney’s pop out, shutting down the slugfest with a rare double
It didn’t matter. Bumping Uglies roll.
Bumping Uglies 4 – Destructocons 0.
Game #3: Chunk’s
Drunks vs. Bumping Uglies
The Bumping Uglies came into this game tied at 2-3 with the
Drunks after their convincing win over the Destructocons. The loser of the game
would leave the field in last place.
The pitching matchup was a good one, with the Uglies’ Frank
and the Drunks’ Jake entering the game with similar season stats. Accordingly,
both hurlers allowed a base runner in the first inning before using strikeouts
to get out of the frame cleanly. Jake used the same formula to escape the top
of the 2nd. In the bottom of the inning, Frank tried to continue the
trend after giving up a single to Jake. Pete decided he had had enough of that
bullshit and broke the stalemate with a laser beam triple. Frank displayed his
veteran poise by regaining his control and stopping the bleeding.
At 1-0, both teams turned the ball over to the second
pitchers of the game. The Uglies tapping team captain Staiber, the Drunk’s
going with trusty vet, Pete Kenneddyhead. The tense game instantly became way
more tense-ier. Continuing her offensive barrage, Katie Blump crushed a double
down the third base line. One out later, Pete came to the plate looking to give
the Drunk’s a better cushion. He swatted a hard grounder into the left field
grass as Katie took off from 2nd base. Katie was waved home and as
the Uglies scrambled to field the ball. With good speed, it appeared that Katie
was going to score with ease.
The Uglies had other ideas. Carney winged a relay throw into
Staib who pegged Katie before she could reach home. (Not the first time Carney
and Staib have been involved in a bang-bang play together, but this time there
was a girl in the middle.)
Relying more on inducing grounders than striking players
out, Pete survived a few close calls while on the mound. Heading into the top
of the sixth, he hoped for two more ground-outs, the 1-0 win, and a cold beer
or four. Things started out roughly as a hard-skipping grounder by Zak bounced
off Jake’s hand, allowing the pizza jockey to reach first safely. Two batters later,
Staib made the mistake hurt by cracking his 2nd triple of the day
and tying the game at 1-1.
With a man on third and one out, Pete and the Drunks were
stuck in the pressure-cooker. Frank stepped to the plate knowing a single could
put them ahead and likely win the game. Pete tried his best to keep Frank off
balance, throwing a mixture of inside/outside pitches. In the deciding play,
Pete delivered a sinking pitch that Frank couldn’t resist. He caught the top of
the ball and bounced it towards third base. Jake shifted over to cover the easy
Shit. I gotta go. So
You Think You Can Dance is on.
Bumping Uglies 2 – Chunk’s Drunks 1
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