Episode 1

This is the first episode in a series about what would happen if me and some other guys from the seventh column (internet bungie fan site thing)had to go to halo. and its a competition to finish it. meh ok it sounds crazy. just read it.

if you dont get some of the jokes, DONT WORRY.

newnab:look at me, im on the pillar of autumn!
BMC:me too!
the leafs rock:me 4!
henious D:dammit u outsmarted me...
newnab:lets look around...
the leafs rock:hey look at this! *the leafs rock jumps into a room*heheheeh!
*newnab presses button to activate airlock, the leafs rock jets ejected out into space
the leafs rock:heeeeeeellp meeeee!!
heniuos D:how delightful!
*the three people remaining go into a room, where captain keyes is watching the cheif being un-frozen-ized...
BMC:ok, you there, the one driving the ship... bring those quadrants to there, and slip space jobobobobos to here, and recaboobalate the energy-mot-tron.
*suddenly the pillar of autumn does a baclflip, slip spaces to halo and does a triple barrle roll through the middle of halo*
newnab:this is for school kids everywhere!*punches captain keyes in face*
keyes:OW! shakespeare is over there dammit!
shakespeare:hello!
newnab:i give you ten seconds to run.... 10....9....8....7...6
shakespeare:oh my! *shakesspeare runs away, newnab gives chase*
heniuos D: *watching MC be un-frozen-ized* how deleightful!

then all of a sudden: *alert!!! alert! we are under coveneant attack!*
heniuos D:how delightful!
BMC:were all gonna die! run!
*they run in the same direction as newnab, and catch up to him* BMC:hey, what hapened?
newnab:i slipped on my feaces...
heniuos D:how delightful!!!
newnab:shut up!
BMC:lets go!
*they run for about 5 hours, until they find skakespeare laying down, wetting himself*
HD:how delightful!
nab:somebody kill him, now...

the three get ot the pod station, and a pod jets out

newnab:hey look! racer x and texas ben are in that pod!

*texas ben and racer x wave*
texas ben:so long suckers!
racer x:hasta la bye bye!
*as the pod leaves, it runs into the leafs rock*
leafs rock:help me! please!
*they use the windscreen wipers to brush him off and he floats away*

nab:theres one more pod left! run for it!

but the covenant jump out in front of them
grunt:cant i have your autograph nab?
nab:sure *signs auto graph*
grunt: now you all die!
heniuos D:how delightful!
BMC:take HD! we hate him!
HD:how delightful!!!
*bmc pushes HD into the grunt, HD explodes of plamsa.. taking the grunt with him

then an elite jumps out

newnab:AHHHHHH!!!!
BMC:what are we gonna do!
nab:die of course... idiot...
BMC:oh....
nab:wait i have a plan! i saw it in that movie signs! *nab grabs hose and sprays elite, nothing happens.*
BMC:i know! *takes off shoe and throws it*
elite:ow!!! all i wanted was directions to the toilet!! *cries* waaaaaaa!
nab:run!!!!
elite:wait! BMC! you killed my friend zuka! DIE! i mean.. wort wort wort...
*nab gets inside pod, but BMC gets caught by gun fire*
BMC:help!
*master chief lifts up BMC by his underwear*
BMC:wedgie!!!!
*MC throws BMC into the pod and gets inside, the pod blasts off, and runs into the leafs rock*
TLR:help me!!! please im begging you!!
*nab leans out window and scraped leafs rock off, while BMC nurses his butt*
POD driver:ooooh argh!!!
nab:huh?
pod driver:i cant drive this contraption! i only drive me tractor! oooh argh!! we gonna crash! ambrosia!
nab:greyhounds? NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

to be continued...

Episode 2

The continuation of the wacky story. Health warning: do not attempt to read unless fully trained proffesional in the art of random.

the ship landed with a crash, and as BMC was still nursing his butt, his hands flew up his butt....
BMC:hey whats this...
*BMC pulls sooty 117 out of his ass*
nab:well u wanted to be in it!
BMC:in what?
nab:shut up...
BMC:no what? r we in some kinda story or someth-
nab:shut your face!
s117:hey look! the umbra effect on those trees! *looks and sunlight through branches of trees* ow my eyes!!!*blindly runs off cliff*
nab:....lets move on...
BMC:ok....
*the pair move on*
nab:lets move no some more!
*the pair move on some more*
BMC:im bored, lets set up camp..
nab:me to!
TLR flying over head: me 4!
heniuos D:you out smarted me! how delightful!!
nab:arent u dead?
HD:i guess so... *dies*
BMC:that guy sucks
nab:i think so to!
TLR flying overhead again:me 4!
heniuos D:you outsmarted me! how deligh-
nab:go away!!!!! your dead!!!!!!!
BMC:yeah!
HD:i know where im not wanted! *sigh* how delightful... *dies*

meanwhile.....
sooty 117 landed on a banshee and is flying away, when his aircraft hits TLR..
TRL:please get me down!!! me 4!! me 4!!!
sooty 117:huh? me 4? who are u talking to?
TLR: i will tell you if you help me get out of space im dying!!!
sooty 117 sprays WD40 in TLR's face till he falls off the banshee....

menawhile again...
texas ben:lets sleep, BMC will find us..
racer x:how do we know they are alive or on halo? nab hasnt written that bit yet!
texas ben:............shut up...

menawhile back where we started...
look a warthog!
BMC:who said that?!?!?! nab forgot to put a name!
nab:oh well, there is a warthog...lets go...

they get in a warthog, nab drives and BMC goes gunner

BMC:are u sure we are going in the right direction?
nab:yes im sure...
BMC:then why are we on the pillar of autumn again?
nab:dammit! i was in reverse!!
BMC:oh well, this is the last level anyways... now nab has to write about the others for a while till they meet us here in a few episodes time!
nab:meh, i guess....

meanwhile, sooty 117 is still flying...when TLR lands on his banshee
TLR:help me!!!
sooty 117:go away! u already landed on my aircraft!!!
TLR:help!
s117:look! BMC is naked!
TLR:where?
*when TLR turns back, s117 is armed with one of thsoe springy boxing gloves*

TLR:...... uh....
BOING!!!!!!!

s117:take that!

BIFF!

TLR:NOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo......

sooty 117:hey! im flying to the silent cartographer!!

meanwhile.....

texas ben:like i say, BMC will find us!
343GUILTYSPARK:come with me reclaimers!
racer x:arent u the evil one?
343:no! im the nice frinedly glowing blue ball we all love and helps save halo...
texas ben:hes flying, he msut be telling the truth!
343:lets go!
*343 teleports him self and texas ben and racer x to that swamp we all know and hate*

meanwhile (i dont know any other words for meanwhile..)...
nab:want some epxloding popcorn waffles?
BMC:sure

FIN! to be continued!!!

Episode 3

Bad spelling and bad jokes galore in the third part of this mental skit.

sooty 117's banshee lands... and he sees a naked mole rat..
NMR:u wanna be my friend?
sooty 117:heh, why not?
naked mole rat:my names roger
sooty 117:my name is kournikova beaverhousen
roger:well lets go!
sooty:ok...
R:.......
soooty: .......
rger:that means you have to move
s:ok....
the pair move across the beach
R:ahhhhh!!! covenant attack!
*the covenant attack*
s:the marines are coming!
*the marines come*
R:a big battle will ensue!
*a big battle ensues*
s:im scared!
R:me to!
s: I HAVE SAND IN MY CHEECKS!
*the marines stare at Sooty*
marine: ok... fire in the hole!
*sooty screams as grenades go off around him*

meanwhile....on the truth and reconcilliation...
keyes wakes up...
keyes:huh? how are we here? they are already doing the silent cartographer!
jessethekidd:nab ofrgot to write this bit in, so hes going back to it...
keyes:how did u get here???
jesse:i dunno, nab didnt have to epxlain how he was on the pillar of autmun did he>?
keyes: i guess not...
the two hear little electric buzzes and flashes, just another fan is trying to hump the light barrier...
just another fan:nab had to write me in to!

the three look around, tonnes of marines caged in here...
marine 1:hey
M2:howza!
M3:sup bro?
M3:i like horses! their my friends!
M4:say boom shackalasckashackalackshackaBOOM!
M5:corperal ferez, eigth company sir!
jesse: the one from the E3 demo of halo 2?
M5:halo 2?
jesse:forget it...

two elites walk in
elite:hello prisoners...
jAf:can u let us out?
elite:no, but i will tell you the secret ot the covenant! if any humans knew this they could destroy the covenant in a second! the secret is- ahhhhhh! wort!
*the master chief had killed the elite*
*the rest of the people stand there with their mouths open*
MC:lets go....
keyes:dammit chief! that was reckless! i wanted shakesspeare to rescue me!
MC:im sorry its just...
keyes:no buts! go to your room!
MC:no, howabout you pilot us off this ship! like in the game!
keyes:no! no supper or piloting you outa here for a week!
cortana:doh! wait im not homer... i should say something intelectual, i know! pythagoras
jesse:sooo... cortana, you single?
cortana:get away form me you kreepy old man!
jesse:woah! how did u know my name!
JAF:lets use that gravity lift!
you go first jesse!
*jesse gets in lift and descends*
keyes:hey watch this!
*keyes presses button, the gravity lift stops halfway, jesse is hovering*
jesse:oi!
*keyes presses more buttons, jesse goes up and down and starts spinning*
jesse:ahhhhhh!!!
*keyes presses one more button, jesse falls to his death, or so we think!*
HD:how delightful! oh whoops my bad, im still dead! *dies*
*the rest of the team go down normally and get picked up by a pelican...

meanwhile....
racer x and texas ben have teleported, and are doing nothing...
racer x:why are we doing nothing?
texas ben:sooty hasnt discovered the silent cartographer yet, so we dont know where it is....
racer x:ask for directions...
texas ben:i cant!
racer x: fine i will.... hey you there! where should i be?
flood:releasing me.
racer x:oh ok! *releases flood*
texas ben:my what big tentacles you have..
flood:all the better to feel you with
texas ben:and what a big balloon like head you have!
flood:all the better to jump on you and explode with!
texas:and what big teeth you have!
flood:all the better to eat you with! and promote toothpaste!
racer x:aaaaahhh!

meanwhile....
BMC:are we still here?
nab:yes... jsut waiting for something to happen, hey look! the floods been released! cool!
*the leafs rock flys over head*
TLR:heeeeeeeellpp meee!!! please! im begging you!!!
BMC:u dont see that every day...

Episode 4

More action than your granny can handle on a saturday night... with or without a zimmer frame... Now read this. Its the penultimate.

BMC:the flood are spreading...
nab:yeah. how have they spread that fast... i mean even im not as fast as that when i spread my butter! look! *spreads butter really fast*thats some nice spreading you got there nab.. i know... its one of my many talents...

meanwhile...
sooty 117 and roger have reached the place where the covenenant lock the doors, and are leaning against the wall, waiting for someone...
*MC walks in*
MC:sorry im late...the flood have spread and they attacked me...
roger:we cant be assed to open this door with the security system, you do it....
MC:are u crazy? im not oging back out there....
sooty:then we all stay here...
roger:or we could ask cortana...
cortana:dont look at me!im a frickin hologram! oh wait... i can do it.... in fact i can do everything from right here.... *cortana activates silent cartographer, opens all doors on halo, blows up thiose generators in two betrayals and sets the timer for the maw*
sooty:hey!!! MC werent you with JAF and jesse???
MC:yes, i can be in two places if i want... im the best....except bender from futurama, he kicked my ass... and not only at strip poker...
roger:STRIP POKER? IM IN!
cortana:but your already naked! and MC and bender cant get naked! and sooty is also naked! huh? sooty y are u naked??
sooty:to scare away the flood, which in case u havnt noticed are all round us right now since u opened the doors...well lets run, cortana, call a pelican...
cortana:im caling a pelican
*cortana calls pelican*
roger:the pelican will arrive soon
*the pelican arrives soon*
roger:get in!
*the pelican starts to take off, but sooty isnt in yet, he dives and grabs on the side, he then climbs on top of the pelican...*

while thet are flying, TLR lands on their pelican...

TLR:heeeeeeeelllp me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sooty:im tired of you! grrr! if i were a cartoon character with a tiny mouth when closed and a mouth bigger than my head when open, oh and blue hair, big blue hair and i was all shiny with big flaming balls coming out of my round fists id kick your ass!
*sooty transforms into a cartoon character with a tiny mouth when closed and a mouth bigger than his head when open, oh and blue hair, big blue hair and he was all shiny with big flaming balls coming out of his round fists, he then kicks TLR's ass*
sooty:onward to the maw!!!!!

meanwhile....
keyes:y are the flood out already!!! this is all wrong!!
heniuos D: *getting his guts ripped out by flood* my brains!!!!!! arrrghh!!! my brains!! brains brain brains!!!! brain!!!!!!!! brainsssssss!!!!! how delightful!!!! brains!!!!!
JAF:*fighting flood* back! back i say! get back b4 my wang reigns down on you with mighty destruction!!!
*flood run away*....
jesse:they are in the gravity lift! press the button *presses button, the flood fly into the sky, where they run into TLR*
TLR:help me!!!!!
flood:whats in it for me?
TLR:warm satisfaction?
flood:howabout warm your mom! repsect pardre! radical dude!
flood infected heniuos D:how glug glug blurb giggle spalsh delightful! brbrbrbrb!
*the flood consume TLR, in a very gory fashion...*sooty and roger arrive at the maw, where BMC and nab are sitting in deckchairs, eating ice cream
nab:hey welcome! roger my main naked mole rat! *hi fives roger* sup?
BMC:sooty? whats going on?
sooty:cortnana started that countdown, i did the silent cartographer, JAF and jesse are going to do the level keyes before joining us
bmc:how do you know????? nab is writing this, nothing else could possibly happen, except maybe two betrayals or the library, but we dont need anything there...
MC:so, your the best one of me?
BMC:you betcha...
MC:u suck..
BMC:i know...
MC:does your mother no your gay?
BMC:she does, she does.... *shakes head, MC slides away*
guilty spark, texas ben and racer x teleport in...
cortana:where have u lot been?
guilty spark:nab had to write a little bit about us somewhere...*guilty spark stops timer*
cortana:bastard!
guilty:ok ok, so my dad wasnt exactly the best, but that was un called for!
MC:nw we have to throw grenades into those 4 shafts!!! but i dont have any grenades left!
sooty:how do you know the story?
cortana:one of the perks of knowing jason jones while hes drunk.
nab:yeah, how do you think i made my kick ass chapter!? (better than BMC's by the way)
MC:i agree with you nab, yours rules! BMC is just lame!
BMC:i heard that! well lets get to that engine room!
*they get to the engine room*
nab:what are we gonna throw in???
BMC:kets throw roger!
roger:hey!
sooty:actualy, nab only needed to write you in to be my partner so i wasnt alone and had somone else to joke on...
roger:fine....
nab throws roger in one vent,
nab:one down! three to go!
cortana:what next?
MC:my bubblegum! *throws bubble gum into vent*
BMC:how did u get that in and out of your visor?
MC:wouldnt you like to know!
nab:lets rip off BMC's wang and throw that next!
BMC:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
*mc rips off BMC's wang and throws it in*
guilty spark:we need one more thing!
*everyone stares at guilty spark*
343:NO!
nab:yes!
343:fine, since your chapter rules...*343 flys into shaft*
nab:thats it, run!
*they run, and get in a couple of warthogs*
nab:this is it THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!!!!!!!!!!
BMC:spooky,
nab:hey u ruined it! now i gotta do it again! THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!!!!!

FIN to be continued!

Episode 5: The finale

The conclusion to this mad, mad story! Who will win? Read on to find out!

JAF, jesse, a bunch of marines, and keyes find themselves on the level keyes, i wonder where this is going....
jesse:hey JAF! how come we are already half way through this level?
JAF:well nab couldnt really work any jokes into the first part, so there was no point writing it... but this is the bit where we gotta jump outside... im not so sure about it
jesse:me neither
keyes:trust me son you can do it...
keyes:chief! help me!
cortana:hurry chief! hes fading!
keyes no 1:huh? theres two of me on this level! that sucks!!!
cortana:yeah, and one of ems dying...
keyes2:yes, i am..... dying dying dying dying....dying...
keyes:aww crap, lets jump and save me fast!
JAF:cortana? arent u supposed to be with the chief?
cortana:i am, but im scripted for this level to! bye!
*everyone jumps out into the river. JAF and jesse land on a pole on their groin*
jaf and jesse in unison:ARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH! EEEEEEEHEHHHEEEEEEEEEEH!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEH!
keyes:i am keyes number 1, but nab forgot to put the one next to my name, look! a gravity lift!
marines in unison:look sir! a wave of flood!
jaf and jesse in unison:my oh my, what will happen to our young adventurers...... now....
keyes:why we give em hell of course, jimmy...
jaf: jimmy?
keyes:crappy prewritten script! too hell with tihs, and to hell with them! attack!!!!
*everyone attacks, marnes giving fire left right and center, JAF pushes a big barrel that comes out of no where and it rolls and crushes everything jsut like shrek, jesse dives in bulet time and picks some off just like the matrix, keyes writhes in pain like a tv show he saw about old people and so on*
jaf:its hopeless, they just keep coming!
jesse:yeah! we surrender!

suddenly, an image of roger appears in the sky...

mufassroger: i am mufassroger, and despite what you think, im not a rip off of the lion king, or kung pow which does rip off the lion king...you must not give up! there is light at the end of the tunnel simba!
jesse:simba?
mufassroger:i mean JAF and jesse, ok? ive got a lot of visions booked for today, dont push me, or i will do this! *electricutes this random yodelling welsh guy called welshey*
JAF:but i dont understand what you are saying!
mufassroger:of course u dont! im talking in riddles! that way later on in this you will say, oh thats what he meant! and now for a power differant to the one you saw ealier!!!
*mufassroger dissapears*
JAF:lets keep fighting! *suddenly realises he is covered in flood* oh crap! everyone make a dive for that gravity lift! *they make a dive for that gravity lift, it takes them up into a corridor where keyes is encased in a cacoon*
cortana:we have to destroy him ,its what he would want...
keyes:no its not!
jesse:meh! *everyone starts punching and kicking keyes2*
keyes:stop it! your killing me!
*everyone continues to attack, JAF does a headbutt and jesse starts using a baseball bat*
keyes:acutally! that looks like fun! let me have a go!
*keyes2 is turned into a pulp*
jesse:lets escape on those banshees!
*they escape on those banshees*...

meanwhile....
nab:lets go!
*nab drives, BMC humps the gatling gun, sooty rides shotgun, MC controls the being humped gatling gun, and who else is here...texas ben and racer x hanging off the sides, and... meh, for fun, unireal is on the tires spinning frantically as they drive*
nab:*swerves round corner* incoming covenant dropship!
everyone else:woah!
*texas ben flys off and ends up grabbing hold of the covenant dropship , racer x is blasted off by sentinal fire, mc takes down some elites in a cool drive by shooting, sooty throws his arm*
sooty:aww crap i needed that!
*nab drives through a big group of flood*
nab:oh no! too many flood! i know! sing outkast! that will scare them off! *starts singing* HEY-YA! HEY-YA!
bmc:ALRIGHTALRIGHTALRIGHTALRIGHT! <br>mc:SHAKE IT, SH SH SH SKAKE IT!
sooty:UH OH!
everyone in unison, including texas ben, racer x who is running behind them, the leafs rock and henious d form nowhere and the radio nab is listening to right now:HEY YA!
BMC:it worked! sooty:open fire MC!
MC:i cant! BMC's ass is on the end!
nab:precicsely!
MC:oh ok! *blows BMC's ass off*
nab:big jump coming up ahead!
racer x:aww crap!
*the warthog flys off, unireal and racer x fall to their dooms, but not before they run into the leafs rock and henious d infected by flood*
TLR:heeeeeellllp!!! mEEEE!!!
henouos D:how delightgful!
racer x:shut up! this might be the end!
unireal:of course it is! didnt u hear nab? he said fall to our dooms!and this is my only line in this!
everyone:NOOOOOOOO!!!! *racer x,unireal, TLR and HD dissapear into the darkness*
nab:the pelican pick up point is up ahead, thats where nab is going to write in JAF and jesse and keyes coming in *suddnely an explosion occurs*
nab:im on frickin fire!!!!
sooty:me frickin to!
BMC:im fricin horny!
heniuos D:how frickin delightful! *fricken dies*
MC:stop drop and fricken roll! you to BMC!
*everyone stops drops and rolls, fricken*
MC:so long suckers! *drives away in warthog
nab:dammit! oh well, there is the pelican pick up point, perhpas JAF and jesse can help!

a pelican comes in on fire, it was attacked by banshees, but you cant see the banshees... the pelican goes down, but JAF and jesse jump off
jesse:good day mate!
JAF:anyone call for some wierdos?
BMC:dammit! i told that company strickly to prank call the ghost busters!
nab:we need a ride...
keyes1:just for the record, i, am now in fact dead like keyes2, i was still in the pelican when it went down
nab:ok...
BMC:what are we gonna do?
nab:screw it we are gonners, MC has won newnabs halo survivor, hey! a tunnel! with light at the end of it!
JAF and jesse:oh thats what he meant!!!
*they run through the tunnel, and find them self outside the pillar, with sarge fighting an elite*
nab:this it! this is the end!!!
*everywhere starts rumbling!*
patrick:who am i?
sooty: i dunno! piss off! *kicks patrick*
sarge:this it baby, hold me..*the elite is about to hold sarge, but BMC shoves it out of the way and humps sarges leg, nab hugs elite*
jaf:hey look! a big finish line! with girls and food! and medals! thats the end of newnabs halo survivor! run for it!
*MC is flying away and sees the finish line down far away*
MC:awww crap!!!!
*everyone dives for the finish!*
everyone:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
comentator:its a photo finish!

the photo clears, bmc and MC are last, BMC still humping sarges leg,next it was sooty, who tripped at the final hurdle, then texas ben, who dropped form a dropship and fell over the finish, then nab, who is just to fat to run...JAF and jesse held hands while flying over the finish, and therefore both claim second place, and the elite has won!! girls come on, give elite a rosette, and one of those big horseshoe shape rosebush things and medals and trohpies and money*
elite:WORT WORT WORT!
*halo explodes*

FIN! thats it! the end! i hope you liked it!!! the end of something amazing, good memories...

THE END!