So I've been talking to this amazing person as of late and I feel I can really connect with her. She feels a lot of the same obscure feelings I feel and vise versa. We talked for 8 hours straight the other day and it was great! It's the sign of true friendship when its impossible to run out of things to talk about. I wish I could meet more people who gave me that chance. It seems unfair that I will never get the chance to have a long, drawn out conversation with many of the people I meet, even my friends. It’s a tease really, to know that I can talk and listen for hours, but not be able to use those skills more often. A lot of people take friends for granted and live in the present, thinking they will be around forever. Well, it's the sad truth that people move on and I realize this. I'll make my efforts now but it's a two way street in the long run.

I'll admit I shiver as I write this, because my pessimistic side, the half I always ignore, is coming out for a change. I think of all the friends I have ignored and hurt, not the ones I have bonded with. I miss a lot of the friends I have lost contact with. If you spend hours getting to know someone, why give up on them so easily? It's a question I ponder and I wonder why people are so quick to forget good times. One of my first big fights was with my friend Pat. We argued over some stupid shit and ended up not talking for over a year. Situations like these, when you are in a fight or dealing with an ex (I have four, sadly), make me feel awkward. This case is no different as it was hard for me to confront the kid while we were in our fight. To this day it is hard for me to confront people I have hurt. Even if it's a distant memory to them, my feelings are hurt that I hurt someone else. Now reread that last sentence, that is often a long process, but one that involves many emotions.

I have a weird sense of humor. I would say it is mostly playful, but with witty, sarcastic and cocky undertones. I like making observations about people the most. A lot of people have told me that I am funny without even trying, like my friend Bill from back home, or Elyce, the girl I mentioned above. Of course, my arrogant side gobbles those compliments up and makes me think I am incapable of hurting others. After all, how can people not see that I am just joking? Can't they tell by my facial expressions? Or my tone of voice? As I have found out the past two years, to some, the answer to both questions is no. I need to become better at seeing the world through different viewpoints to realize that some people may see my playful manner as insulting. Its called the looking glass self, seeing yourself through the eyes of others. I know now not to joke about certain things with my friend Rachel for instance, but the point is, I learned through observing.

I love people and I like meeting them and interacting. But every once in a while, I feel the need to escape and withdrawal. Trying to explain my reasoning for my occasional introverted ways is tough but I'll try: Sometimes I get this feeling of heightened perception and I feel extremely focused, as if I am in a trance. But sometimes, in this trance, nothing external really matters to me anymore. I feel I view the world like no one else, as if I sense something that no one is aware of. I know that sounds arrogant, but there is no other way for me to explain it, it's a state I occasionally fall into. It feels like the external world is one big joke and not to be taken so seriously. I feel at peace at these times and don't concern myself with problems. I also wonder to myself if I sense something in the world changing. That this state I am in may very well center around nature as I begin to notice very subtle details around me, its almost overwhelming. But I withdrawal for a day in fear that my arrogance will be written all over me. I am usually not emotional during these periods so maybe its my attempt to see things rationally. I know I need to step back and put my emotions aside and see things at face value sometimes. Maybe my rational side feels weird for now, but I should flex that muscle more often when dealing with certain people.  Than again, some people just aren't worth the effort after a while.

I like the calm, mysterious nature I can sometimes give off. I remember a lot of people were perplexed by me in highschool and I lost a lot of that edge the past few years when I decided to concentrate on being outgoing. I found that people favored the more simplistic side of me in college (party animal, using stupid/loud humor). Yes, very superficial of me, I admit, and my study skills and sense of humor have taken a slight dive. Its like a part of me died, the quiet, always thinking side of me in early highschool. I wish I could go back to the days when I felt comfortable writing in my own style, even if it meant alienating some people because they couldn't fully understand what I was saying.  In other words, I use to like making people think when reading what I wrote. I hate to say it, but my writing seems weaker than it used to be and almost dumbed down. Yet I want to continue to hone my skills because I believe it is a beautiful outlet and a great way of expression, granted it is an under rated outlet.

I have never understood people who failed to express themselves in one way or another artistically.  But than again, that's why some art goes unappreciated.  My final thought - The more you experience in life, the more you will appreciate in life.  Think about it, don't restrict yourself, never be content as things are and create new boundries. 

I am listening to this amazing live instrumental peice by this 70s band called Wigwam.  The guitar solos are pumping me up when I should be sleeping.

I want to give a large audience a look into my mind. Obviously it's hard to put thoughts perfectly into words. It's even harder to put words together and make others feel exactly what I feel. Words mean different things to different people because of past associations. So my attempts to convey feelings of happiness may be lost on people who associate my words to describe happiness as bitter or indifferent or any other feeling. Plus, you are only reading this, you are not able to view my facial expressions. In fact, you sacrifice a lot in the emotional department when you are on the internet. Anywho, certain combinations of words bring out subtly different ideas and emotions in everyone, but it’s the beauty of being an individual. So approach what I am about to tell you with openness. This is the shortest entry by the way, if people like what they see (email/IM me) and expect a lot more!

I use to be terribly OCD! I use to dump my collection of baseball cards on the floor, 10000s of them, and organize them alphabetically, or by year, or in order from my favorite player to least favorite. My CDS had to be in order from most recently purchased at the top of the stack to the oldest at the bottom. My books were lined according to color. It was a creative form of OCD in my opinion but I was a neat freak in every sense! My mom knew I had it but hoped I would grow out of it. Luckily OCD is something you can grow out of and I did going into highschool as I slowly came out of my shell. Maybe it was the stress that made me organize in junior high. I use to be wicked shy and outside of one or two friends, I use to wish for more.  So it was relaxing for me to sit on my floor and spend the entire day organizing things that belonged to me. I had complete control over what happened in my room, it was like my spaceship I suppose, since I loved space. I had an imagination too!

I use to shoot hoops for hours across the street. I was Ray Allen leading the Uconn Huskies to a college basketball championship over UCLA or Michael Jordan spinning past Shawn Kemp for the winning basket to beat the buzzer. I use to enact games all day. Than I would retire to the basement and watch Uconn or Chicago on my 13 inch TV and shoot on my mini hoop as the kerosene heater kept me warm. This made up a large portion of my childhood. Its something I miss even today.

Freshman year was my last miserable year. By junior year and especially senior year, I had acquired a good group of friends who were very nice and made me realize that I had something to offer to people.  Weather it was cross country, crew, tennis, Uconn parties, flag football sundays and Friday night pick games of basketball with the guys, or even work, my last two years were memorable because I was enjoying being social and seeing the benefits of being outgoing. It's something that I have lousy at as of late, keeping in touch with friends. But I still need to get over years of being shy and reserved, so don't take it personally! Not to brag, but I think I was pretty cute when I was a freshman. I got three or four numbers, easily, in my yearbook from various grades. I remember this tall girl was like, "you're sooo cute but your to shy, talk more!" But I was to damn timid to take that as a compliment. In fact I suck at telling when a girl is intereted.  My first gf didn't come till the summer before freshman year in college and the first serious one wasn't until second semester of freshman year. You know, I didn't drink till senior year either. I mention that because I was literally out of control at times freshman year. I was a complete party animal at times, and yes it was fun. I do miss that too, being reckless and without a care in the world. But its good to grow up too at some point.



Its always nice to have someone positive and persistent in your life. Someone you can count on for a hug and a kiss everyday, a warm body to be near you each night, an open ear to listen to everything you have to say and a beautiful life to listen to. Someone who is your friend and ally. Someone who is the cutest in the world weather she is pulling an all nighter partying or spending all morning getting ready...whoever she turns out to be, its worth the wait.

While on that topic, I dream a lot. I keep dream journals so I can remember what kind of things go through my mind. It’s a good tool on the road to self discovery in my opinion. I dream about all the typical topics; being rich, falling, being chased, friends, being the next Jimi Hendrix, etc. But I dream about girls most of the time.  Its always me having this amazing connection with this mystery girl, its no one I have ever met in real life. But its stuff like looking deep into her eyes, holding her hand, kissing her passionately. It's not even sexual, just hitting it off like soul mates would.  My dreams are full of these intense feelings of caring for someone.  But it's hard to explain so just envision your version of love and imagine dreaming about on an almost weekly basis, its quite beautiful.   The odd thing is, it’s a different girl almost every time. But it’s the same general features in each.  Maybe the message my mind is trying to send me is to just to remember to be open to all sorts of people because you never know who will amaze you and change your life.  I believe I am pretty open already, don't you? What does everyone make of the dream?