Coping through the holidays and/or special days is very difficult after the loss of a special loved one. I learned this after the loss of my husband.
August 3rd is especially hard for me because it is the anniversary of his death. The month of September is National Prostate Cancer Awareness Month so I always think of him and grieve my loss all over again. November and December, of course, we normally reflect on our blessings. And, while I am thankful for all that I have, it is so difficult each year to be joyful without my husband to share all the special holiday moments. And, of course, who can forget February 14? Valentine's Day! I absolutely hate Valentine's Day now. Maybe one day I will like it again but not yet.
So, how do you learn to cope? Listed below is an article that was given to me by Hospice shortly after my husband’s death. I am posting it here in hopes that it will help you as much!
3 C’s of Coping with the
By Kenneth J. Doka
With the rollercoaster-like emotions of grief, the holidays can be an especially tough time. We remember the Chanukah that Aunt Sophia danced in the snow, the Christmas that we received a bike, the Thanksgiving when the turkey was undercooked. These memories remind us of our loss. Other reminders such as cards addressed to the person who died, holiday movies, gifts that seem perfect, can make us feel out of sorts with the season. Everyone else seems so happy and joyful.
The holidays are a tough time to grieve. Knowing that does not make them any easier, but at least it may help us understand and accept our reactions, and tap into the things we can do to help ourselves cope with the holidays.
During the holidays it is easy to drift into activities that increase our pain. But we do have choices. We can decide what activities we wish to participate in, who we want to be with, what we want to do. After her husband died, June was invited, actually pressured, to join her sister-in-law for the holidays. She decided that she would retain the freedom to choose where she wanted to be on Christmas until that morning. "I never know how much energy I'll have, or how I feel until that day," she explained. On Christmas morning, she decided to have dinner with a few women she had met in a local widow's support group. She chose to go to her sister-in-law's house for dessert.
One of the choices we may want to consider is how to mark the loss during the holidays. During the holidays we feel the presence of that person's absence. Finding ways to recognize and acknowledge that individual can bring a positive focus to our grief. This may be done in a number of ways -- lighting a candle, creating a ritual, placing a memento on a tree, a moment of silence or a holiday toast are simple ways to acknowledge the loss.
It is important that we discuss our choices with others, especially those who are affected by them. They have needs as well. Their ways of dealing with grief may be different. June, for example talked with her sister-in-law, explaining her feelings and asking if she could make a decision that day. Once her sister-in-law understood June's feelings and needs, she was willing to be flexible. Marcy's family had to have a considerable discussion over whether or not they would have a Christmas tree after the death of one of her children.
Each of us deals with loss in our own particular way. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. When we communicate, we may find that our feelings and needs, the very ways that we cope, will differ. We need to find space to compromise. For example, some people in Marcy's family saw the Christmas tree as an important tribute to their late son and brother. Other family members saw it as disrespectful. They talked through each point of view, and decided that this year they would have a small tree, not in the central living room but in the family room. Those who wanted to help decorate could, but those who chose not to would also be respected. All could deal with their loss in their own way.
Nothing changes the fact that the holidays can be especially difficult while grieving. But as we choose our actions, communicate our choices with others, and find suitable compromises, we may find that they are bearable. And that gives us renewed strength and hope.
“During the Holidays it is easy to drift into activities that increase our pain. But we do have choices.”
Source: http://hospicefoundation.org/journeys/doka3cs.asp
HOW DO YOU LEARN TO COPE WITH PROSTATE CANCER?
It’s a difficult time in your life whether you’re the patient or the spouse. When my husband was diagnosed, I was at a loss. But we decided in the beginning that it would not hurt our marriage like it often does. If anything, we wanted it to strengthen our marriage. After all, you should get something positive out of Cancer, shouldn’t you?
Listed below are 10 ways to Cope with Cancer that we found helped us. I only hope that it helps you in some way. Even though this article was written specifically for Prostate Cancer, I believe these tips can apply to anyone with cancer.
10 WAYS TO COPE WITH PROSTATE CANCER
1. FACE CANCER AS A FAMILY UNIT: Even though your husband may be the one with Prostate cancer you must remember that everyone will be affected. Therefore, decide early to face this as a family. Your husband will at some point feel fear, anger, dread, acceptance, and many other emotions. Because of these swirling emotions, you both may feel like you are on a merry-go-round at times! As he goes through the emotions, so do you. But if you face it as a family, and have the family support, you will be able to handle anything!
2. COMMUNICATE: I can never stress enough the importance of talking with one another. You must realize that your spouse is going through some of the same emotions. Your partner is facing life without you at some point and it is a most terrifying feeling. Husbands and wives remember: there is no shame in discussing Prostate cancer. No one will “feel sorry” for you. People may not know what to say because there are no right answers. It only means they have sympathy for the situation; they feel helpless and wish there was something they could do. However, by discussing your feelings with your family and friends you may be helping others by PREVENTING prostate cancer by early detection. And, by talking, you will be forming a support system that will sustain you through it all. SUPPORT is the key to the success of coping with any type Cancer.
How do you talk to someone with Cancer? What do you say or not say?
a. Never say “Everything will be all right.” Because it isn’t going to be all right. It never will be the same again. I had to face losing Kenny and he had to face leaving me. He had to face the monster inside that was invading his body day by day. I had to face that the life I had dreamed of all my life would never happen with Kenny. We found that our early Sunday school lessons were really true. Be honest. Tell the person you really do not know what to say. However, let them know that you are there for them in whatever way they need you. As long as they know that you are there for them that is all that matters. Because I can certainly tell you there are no “right” words to be said or heard.
b. Accept the silence. Let him decide when to talk. If he wants to talk, be there to listen. Sometimes, that is all he will need. A loving heart, an open ear and a shoulder to cry on if he needs it. Let him know all are available but still keep in mind that he may not want to talk about it at all.
c. Learn to balance the silence with the talking. As a wife, you will know when he is holding back his emotions. Kenny was so afraid of me being upset by his emotions that he would hold back his own. He once said that “it hurt him more to see me cry than for him to cry”. I explained that it was better for us both if we faced it together. From that point on, we did! Facing it together will make the journey easier even though it will be the toughest journey you will ever face in your life.
d. Say “I love You” every day. Offer lots of hugs, kisses and soft touches to let your spouse know how much you care. My husband told me on many occasions how much it meant to him and how much easier it made the battle.
e. Never say, “I know how you feel” unless you have had Cancer. This makes a person feel like you really don’t know and are not taking the time and concern for them that they need. Sometimes it can even make them angry and back away from you when all you are really doing is trying to help. Let the person know you are available whenever they need you. Yet, let them know you can’t understand what they are going through because you have never been through it. Being honest may help them to open up and feel freer to be honest about their feelings.
3. EDUCATE YOURSELF: From day one, Kenny and I did research. We were definitely considered proactive in his treatment. Each treatment the doctors approached us with was carefully researched, discussed with each other, prayed about and decided upon. Kenny and I did independent research and then compared our notes. Sometimes we would have totally different findings, ideas and opinions! But we shared all and, most important, came to a mutual decision. However, it was ALWAYS understood that the final decision was his.
a. Never be afraid to ask questions of your doctor. Your doctor will explain the staging process, or your stage of the disease, if you wish. This will be very important in researching more information particular to your stage. Your particular stage will determine whether or not you may qualify for new treatments, drugs, or clinical trials. If interested in any of these, ask your doctor. He or she will explain why you do or do not qualify.
b. Always do your research on reliable websites from well-respected cancer center, national cancer organizations, government agencies, or health professional organizations. Some examples are: American Cancer Society,
c. Try to avoid message groups. These groups tend to focus only on the negatives. There are very little positives to be found in message groups. To fight cancer, a POSITIVE ATTITUDE is a must. I believe that Kenny’s positive attitude helped him more to live longer than radiation, hormone therapy or any other treatment. When anyone would ask how he was doing his answer was always, “I am doing better. I feel pretty good today.” No matter what pain he always had a positive answer. Some may say it was denial, but I don’t think so. Kenny always said he preferred to stay positive. He felt if he tried to believe he felt better then he WOULD feel better.
4. FAITH IN GOD/CHURCH SUPPORT: If not for my faith in God, Kenny and I would have given up long before. There were many churches, Pastors, deacons and other church organizations that were praying for us and sending us cards of support. Let your church family know. Tell them what you are going through. If you have counseling available at your church, please take advantage and talk with someone. Ask your friends to place you on their prayer lists at church. Kenny received a lot of comfort just in knowing that he had a large “prayer network” praying for him.
5. PREPARE LEGAL DOCUMENTS: Preparation of legal documents does not mean giving up! This only makes it easier on your spouse when circumstances arise that, for some reason, you are unable to handle yourself. Documents to consider having prepared in advance are: Last Will and Testament, Power of Attorney, Medical Power of Attorney, and a Living Will. It’s also a good idea to update all insurance policies, bank accounts and any other policies you have. After all is prepared and updated, you should keep them together in a safe place. A fire-safe lock box or safety deposit box at your local bank is best.
6. MAINTAIN A
Adjusting your schedule will help in the process of coping with Prostate cancer. One such example would be sitting at the back of theaters to allow easy access for bathrooms or allowing more time to get ready due to the fatigue caused by cancer.
7. BALANCED DIET, HEART HEALTY DIET: Eating a balanced diet is very important. However, try to remember that during cancer treatment appetites will suffer greatly. In my experience, it was very difficult to get much interest in food from Kenny. Don’t worry about this too much or “nag” too much! I can say this now!! It is much easier to say than do, I know. But as one that has gone through it myself, I do know. As long as he is getting plenty of fluids, you shouldn’t worry. Check with your doctor if you are concerned.
8. BECOME INVOVLED IN SUPPORT GROUP/ONLINE SUPPORT GROUP: A Support Group such as US Too is an excellent idea! You can locate a support group near you at www.ustoo.org. However, if you are uncomfortable in groups (or don’t always feel like traveling due to the sickness) an online support group is also a great idea! There are several online support groups available to Prostate cancer Survivors and their spouses.
9. BECOME AN ADVOCATE FOR PROSTATE CANCER AWARENESS: Spread the word! Prostate cancer is the leading cause of cancer death among men. This year, approximately 27,350 deaths will occur due to prostate cancer alone! Approximately 234,460 new cases will be diagnosed this year and the numbers are on the rise! Let people KNOW. Tell your male friends/family to make an appointment with their doctor for their annual exam, if they have not already done so. Ask your local Support Group what else you can do to help.
10. SEXUAL ISSUES: This is the toughest for me to discuss even now. It is very difficult to open up to others about your sexual issues. People who have never gone through prostate cancer really cannot understand what you are going through. Most of the treatments take away the desires you once had. This is very difficult for you both. The husband feels as if he is “less” than what you deserve and you feel as if life is cheating you both. Why is this happening? It really isn’t about sex at all. But at a time when you want to show your love the most in the most intimate way, you can’t. Frustration, anger, resentment and a whole assortment of emotions emerge. Not at your spouse---at the Cancer!! You just want it to go away!! You want things back to the way they were. But you know they never will be again. It really makes you sad. It hurts both of you.
How do you deal with the issues? I must admit we had a difficult time with this because of our age. We were both young. It was very hard to accept. Kenny’s cancer was very advanced. He was in pain most of the time.
I had begun experiencing pain and symptoms several months before that also made me feel very fatigued, as well. That made it even more difficult. Sometimes it was just easier not to think about the issue. But never did I not let him know how much I loved him nor did he. I always told him I still thought he was sexy to me! And he always told me I was his “most beautiful bride”.
Again, I can’t stress enough: Talk it out and face it together.
On
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This article is written in honor of my husband, Kenneth Russell Ellenburg, who is now deceased. Kenny stated “If everything I go through helps just one other person then it is worth it all.” I want to make everything he went through worth it all. I want to be able to help that “one person” and more. I hope this information has helped in some way. I love you, Kenny!
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