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6 Everyday Lies

1. “I’ll be just a minute.”
2. “Let’s get together for lunch.  I’ll call you.”
3. “Everything is fixed.”
4. “The check is in the mail.”
5. “I’ll return your book as soon as I am done reading it.”
6. “The doctor will be with you shortly.”

 

Graffiti

 

To kick the bucket is beyond the pail.

 

If voting could change things, it would be illegal.

 

An elephant is a mouse drawn to government specifications.

 

Add up the spiral column and get a disc count.

 

Reality is and illusion caused by lack of alcohol.

 

Democracy is letting the other fellows have your way.

 

When all else fails, read the instructions.

 

I used up all my sick days, so  I am calling in dead.

 

Democracy is three wolves and a sheep deciding what to have for lunch.

 

My boss has boots so shiny, I can see my face in them.

 

A specialist is someone brought in at the last minute to share the blame.

 

 I wish I were what I was when I was trying to become what I am.

 

 

Some Groaners

 

There was a house painter who was always looking for a way to save a buck, so he would often thin his paint to make it go further-and he usually got away with it.  When a local church decided to do a big restoration, he put in a bid-and because his price was so competitive-he got the job.  One day, just as the job was nearly done, he was up on the scaffold, painting away, when there was a horrendous clap of thunder.  The sky opened and the rain poured, washing away the thin paint off the church and knocking the painter down to the lawn, surrounded by puddles of the useless paint.  Fearing this was a judgment from the Almighty, he fell on his knees and cried, “Oh God!  Forgive me!  What should I do?”  And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke, “Repaint!  Repaint!  And thin no more.”

 

Two friars opened up a flower shop.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, their business profited.  A rival florist became jealous of them.  So he went to them and asked the good men to close, but they didn’t.  He sent his mother, but they ignored her, too.  So he sent Hugh, the roughest and most vicious thug in town.  He beat them up and threatened to come back again if they didn’t close.  Frightened, they did, therefore proving (are you ready?) that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

 

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent chess tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  “But why?” they asked.  “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

 

Ways to Annoy People

 

Call an addiction hotline and explain that you are hooked on phonics.

 

Call the Q-tips 800 number and say one of the cotton swabs just came off in your ear.  When they reply, keep shouting, “What?  What?  What did you say?”

 

Go to the polar bear enclosure at the zoo and shout, “C’mon Larry, that’s enough!  Take off that costume and come back to the office.

 

Call National Acme Co.  Ask if they have anything to kill roadrunners.

 

Rush yourself to the ER and explain to the night nurse that you were resting on your leg for a long time and now it feels like pins and needles.  Ask if they’ll have to amputate.

 

In the middle of the night nosily bury a fully dressed mannequin in your backyard.  Arrange lawn furniture on the fresh mound and sit down quickly when the police arrive.

 

Ask strangers if they have change for a nickel.

 

In the bathroom, utter loud, pain-wrecked screams, then emerge holding a large hen’s egg.

 

Go to the airport wearing a metal suit of armor.  Try walking through the metal detector.

 

 

Words of Wisdome from Homer Simpson

 

“Kids, you tried your best and failed miserably.  The lesson is, never try.”

 

“If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it.  Now quiet!  They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”

 

“TV respects me!  It laughs with me, not at me!”

 

“Old people don’t need companionship.  They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.”

 

“Weaseling out of things is important to learn.  It’s what separates us from the animals!  Except the weasels.”

 

“Kill my boss!  Do I dare live the American dream?”

 

“The whole reason we have elected officials is so we don’t have to think all the time.  Just like that rain forest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was problem and they fixed it…..Didn’t they?”

 

“English? Who needs that?  I’m never going to England!”

 

“Crying isn’t going to bring the dog back….unless your tears smell like dog food.”

 

“Facts are meaningless.  You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true.”

 

 

Stupid Tourists in Canada

 

Yes, they're ALL TRUE as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff!

1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?
2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?" Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' Tourist: "Oh".
4. Are the bears with collars tame?
5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?
7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?
9. Are there birds in Canada?
10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?
11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?
14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?
16. How far is Banff from Canada?
17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day?
18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?
19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?
20. Where can I buy a racoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they?
21. Are there phones in Banff?
22. So it's eight kilometres away... is that in miles?
23. We're on the decibel system you know.
24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??
25. Is that two kilometres by foot or by car?
26. Don't you Canadians know anything?

27. Where do you put the animals at night?
28. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?" Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom". Tourist: "Oh!"

 

A Difference between Americans and Canadians

 

The automobile companies put black boxes in cars (like they have in planes) to record people's last words as they crashed into things and died. In the U.S., the last words were mostly, "Oh no!" ...Kind of what you would expect.

But in Canada, it was a different story. Most of them said right before they died, "Hold my beer. Watch this!"

(Webmasters Note  I give my apologies to those who were offended at the above joke.  It is only meant to hint at the well accepted statement that Canadians love beer.)

 

Signs that you may be Canadian

 

1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"
3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
5. You drink pop, not soda.
6. This doesn't bother you at all.
7. You know what it means to be on pogey.
8. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"
9. You can drink legally while still a teen.
10. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
11. You don't care about the fuss with Cuba, it's a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans
12. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
13. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
14. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
15. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
16. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
17. You know that Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
18. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
19. You know that Mounties don't always look like "that"
20. You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.
21. You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
22. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
23. You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo"
24. You were mad when "The Beachcombers" were taken off the air.
25. You know what a touque is.
26. You admit Rich Little is Canadian and you're glad Jerry Lewis is not.
27. You know Toronto is not a province.
28. You never miss "Coach's Corner".
29. You know all the words to "If I Had a Million Dollars"
30. You know who Ernie Coombs is.
31. You remember when Alanis Morisette was "Too Hot To Hold".
32. You have memorized the Heritage Foundation's Heritage Moments, including your favourites, "I smell burnt toast, Doctor", "You all know I canna read a word..." and "Kanata".
33. You spend sleepless nights wondering if Peter Mansbridge and Wendy Mesley will ever find again the blissful love they once knew.
34. You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet, because you can really use more change (You are already wearing your pants halfway down your ass and the hair and three layers of skin is worn off the front of your thighs from carrying your pocket money around).
35. You know Ashley MacIssac isn't Celtic enough.
36. Your backpack has a Canadian flag sew-on.
37. You have been on Speaker's Corner.
38. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
39. You remember "Jodie" from "Today's Special" and wonder why she reads news on CBC.
40. You wonder idly if there is some government cover-up of a covert operation behind shifting the shooting location of "X-Files" from British Columbia to California.
41. You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few weeks early.
42. You design your Hallowe'en costume to fit over a snowsuit.
43. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one metre above the ground.
44. The local paper covers national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
45. You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
46. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
47. You get a warm fuzzy feeling inside when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada"
48. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends.
49. You can sing both "Degrassi Junior High" and "High" theme songs without fail.
50. You know that "Flacon de Mais" only means corn flakes not some covert military operation to invade Russia through Canada

Dogs and Hockey

 

Two boys were playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto, when one was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy took his hockey stick, wedged it down the dog's collar and twisted, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who was strolling by saw the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. "Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he started writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were," said the reporter. "I assumed everyone in Toronto was a Leafs fan." "What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan," the child said.

The reporter started a new sheet in his notebook and wrote, "Little French @#$% from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Smart Newfies

 

Who says Newfie's aren't bright?

"Hello, is this the RCMP?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report that my neighbour, Mike Fitzpatrick is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the RCMP officers descended on Mike's house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no marijuana. They swore at Mike and left.

The phone rang at Mike's house.

"Hey, Mike! Did the RCMP come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, Buddy"

The Creation of Canada

 

On the sixth day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."

Americans

 

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I am not an American."

"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

How to identify where a driver is from

 

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, cradling cell phone, balancing Tim Horton's coffee on knee, foot solidly on accelerator: CALGARY

5. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO

6. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY

7. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER

8. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: RED DEER

9. Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: SUDBURY

10. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: VICTORIA

AND THE BEST ONE OF ALL:

11. One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mitt scraper in hand out front window scraping frost, "Guess Who" on 8 track playing "Share The Land", hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: WINNIPEG

Traffic and the Prime Minister

 

A man on his way home from work in downtown Ottawa came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "The Prime Minister is just so depressed about his unpopularity that he stopped his limo in the middle of the freeway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says the country hates him and he doesn't want to quit because he hasn't a big enough pension to retire.

"I'm walking around taking up a collection for him".

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about a hundred litres but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning."

(Webmasters Note:  As before, I hope nobody takes offense to this joke.  The Prime Minister is a great person.  This is only for humour.)

Beer

 

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed, one in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened.

The Canadian pulled the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU @#$%!"

A Letter From Mom In Newfoundland

 

Dear Son;

I am writing this slow because you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most car accidents happen within 20 miles of home - so we moved. I can't send the address as the last Newfie family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. But the first day I put 4 shirts in it, pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since.

It rained here only twice last week - three days the first time and four the second time.

About the coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off. I put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the Funeral Home, it said that if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral, up she comes!

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out wether it is a girl or a boy so I don't know if you're an Aunt or an Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat - some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned - they couldn't get the tailgate open!

Aunt Mabel is knitting you some socks. She would have sent by now, but I told her you had grown another foot since she saw you last, so she had to knit another one.

No more news for now.

Love
Mom

A Canadian Divorce

 

A man in Barrie calls his son in Calgary two days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Vancouver and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Barrie immediately and screams at her father,"You are not getting divorced".

Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there by tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're both coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

War

 

Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?

The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades. The Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

Ice Fishing

 

There's a Newfie named Willard, who's got a friend in Northern Ontario, and he decides to visit him one winter. He gets there, and can't believe his eyes, at all the snow. His friend suggests that he should try ice fishing, for something to do. "Ice fishing eh? Well, why the heck not?" So Willard gets his fishing rod, and a hatchet to chop a hole in the ice, and he sets out to go ice fishing. He walks out onto the ice, finds a spot, and starts chopping. Next thing he knows he hears a big booming voice that says "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE" Willard looks up and around, can't see who's talking to him, but he figures maybe there's no fish there, so he walks a little further onto the ice, and starts chopping again. Sure enough, he hears the voice again. "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE". Willard looks up, tries to see who's talking to him, but it's like the voice is booming down from the heavens. Well, he figures, he says no fish, so I'll move on. One more time, Willard finds a spot, and one more time he starts chopping. As soon as his hatchet hits the ice, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE". Willard jumps to his feet. "Who are you, God?" The voice answers, "NO, YOU IDIOT, I'M THE ARENA MANAGER."

Driving in Montreal

 

For your next trip in Montreal, a few things you should know...

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Montreal driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow.

4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

5. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will inevitably result in you being rear ended. If you want your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.

6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. Quebec is a no-fault insurance province and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the Montreal area during rush hour.

9. Learn to swerve abruptly. Montreal is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the SAAQ, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

10. It is traditional in Montreal to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.

11. Remember that the goal of every Montreal driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

How to spot a Canadian in America

 

1. It's 10 degrees celsius outside, and he's in a speedo.
2. He's the only one at the hospital for anything less than a gunshot wound to the head.
3. During an address by the president, he's the only one that realises that an average six year old possesses better public speaking skills.
4. He's the only one in the class that can find Canada on a world map.
5. He's the only person at any place, at any given time without a concealed firearm on them.
6. He's the only person to raise their hand in english class when asked to define "modesty", "open-mindedness" and "selfless".
7. He's the only white person walking around south-central Los Angeles at night wearing jewellery and a red bandana.
8. He's the only person at the bar who can't tell the difference between beer and water.
9 . He was the only person who was smiling, driving around and honking his horn during those two gold medal hockey games.

Ways The Olympics Would Be Different If Canadians Were In Charge

 

1. Opening ceremony doves replaced by classic loose bowelled Canadian Geese
2. New IOC President Wayne Gretzky proclaims: "Let the games begin, and have a good day, eh!"
3. Hockey and Curling now also summer sports
4. All countries must wear clothing by Roots (Sorry, this already happens)
5. Tim Horton's on every corner of Olympic Village
6. Somehow, Toronto still doesn't get to host Summer Games
7. Figure Skating judges replaced by surviving cast members of "The Beachcombers"
8. Luge replaced by Olympic GT Snow Racing
9. Medals replaced by three types of Canadian Tire money
10. Permanent host of Winter and Summer Games: Regina

A New Way for Men to improve theirs lives and others as well

 

Toronto: Bell Mobility today introduced a new personal communication device to improve the lives of men everywhere. The new device, about the size of a traditional pager, is revolutionary in the grief it can prevent an individual. The Male Pager may be programmed with up to 99 emergency numbers where a man may be reached. The Male Pager accepts all programming via the built-in infrared port. A computer, PDA, or other electronic device may be used to record the purchaser's name and numbers.

The device's selling point is that it is designed to save men from the Emergency questions asked by their partners. In the past, men would have been forced to answer these questions.

Woman: "Do I look fat in these pants?"
Man: "Not any more than without them."
Woman: Smack

Woman: "Does this dress make me look ugly?"
Man: "Trust me, it's not the dress."
Woman: Smack

Woman: "My mother is coming to stay with us for a week."
Man: "Why, did your father finally kick her fat, lazy --- out of the house?"
Woman: Smack

No longer will men have to suffer with these problems. Now, when these phrases are mentioned, the man simply presses the Panic button on the pager, and his name, and numbers are forwarded to all the other pagers in the area. Any other male receiving this information on his Male Pager, then simply calls the number and asks for the guy in trouble. Together, they can get him out of answering the question, and allow the guy in trouble to make up an excuse to leave the premises as required. When the emergency is resolved, the clear button is pressed, and the all-clear signal is sent to all the pagers to prevent more calls from causing a problem.

A typical scenario:

Woman: "My mother is coming to stay with us for a week."
Man: Presses the Emergency Button.
Man #2: Calls Man. "Hello John, I got the emergency page, what is the problem."
Man: "What was that, my mother is being rushed to the hospital?!"
Man #2: "Oh, one of those questions."
Man: "Yes, I will be there right away. Thanks for calling."
Man #2: "No problem, bye."
Man: Presses All Clear button and leaves the house and does not have to come home until the mother in law has left.

The Male Pager should be available in retail stores by Christmas 2002, with a monthly service fee of $1.99. The perfect gift for any man's friend.

 

Green Side Up

 

A woman wants the inside of her house painted, and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper, and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up!"

The woman is most perplexed, but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room, I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper, and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, And yells "Green side up!"

The woman is even more perplexed, but still she lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper, and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up!"

This is too much for the woman. So she asks, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window Green Side Up. What on earth does that mean?"

The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four newfies laying sod across the street."

 

Gardening Newfie Style

 

An old Newfie lived alone on the island. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in jail. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his
predicament.
Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year.  If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. - Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES. - Love Fred
At 4 am the next morning, the RCMP arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. - Love Fred

 

Newfies Marital Problems

 

Jane and her husband were having a little spat and were giving each
other the silent treatment. During the week Jane's husband had an important
appointment and had to be at the airport in time. Not wanting to be the first to
break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at
5:00 A.M." The next morning he woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 A.M.,
and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why
Jane hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper on the bed.... It
said in Jane?s hand writing..."It is 5:00 A.M., wake up!"

 

Stupid Americans doing business with a Canadian

 

A Saskatchewan rancher was on his horse, in the middle of his huge spread, when a car approached down the lonely, dusty road. Out of the Mercedes climbs an American with an impeccable Armani suit. The American says, “I have a deal for you. If I tell you exactly how many cattle you have in this pasture, I get to keep one of them.” The rancher agrees, so the man pulls out his cell phone and attaches it to the modem of his laptop computer. He goes to the NASA (stupid Americans!) website and downloads a real-time satellite photo of the pasture. He prints the photo right there in his car and then runs it through his photo analysis software. Within a few minutes, he informs the rancher “You have exactly 783 cows and calves in this pasture.” The rancher nods his agreement, and the man grabs an animal and places it into his trunk. The rancher responds “How about this deal? If I can name your profession, I get that there animal back?” The man agrees.
The rancher says “You are a consultant.” Dumbstruck, the man answers “How did you know?!?!”
“Well”, the rancher says, “you offered to do something even when I didn’t ask, you told me an answer I already knew, and you don’t know anything about my business.”
“ What do you mean I don’t know anything about your business?”
The rancher replies, “Why don’t you let my dog out of your trunk?”

 

The Canadian Pledge of Illegence

 

I pledge illegence to the maple leaf
Of the united provinces of Canada
And to the federal government
For which it stands
One nation, under hockey,indivisible
With beer and bacon for all.

 

Miscommunication

 

A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"

 

At the Gates of Heaven, or not

 

An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

 

Welcome to the Air Force

 

The chief of staff of the Canadian Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all
eligible young men and women be invited.  As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a
pair of Newfie twin brothers who looked like they  had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.  The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced  himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"  The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today,  all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off.  The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"  The young man says, "I chop wood!" "Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"  "Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we
don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"  "Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"  The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

 

Three Wishes

 

A newfie is walking along the beach one day, and he sees  a bottle laying in the sand.  He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes."

The newfie thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."

POOF!  There is a pint of stout in his hand.  He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you."

So he looks at the bottle, and it is magically filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it."  The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"

The newfie looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these."

 

What Your Kid Knows

 

A Newfie was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor'severy move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now"

 

Invasion of the Americans

 

An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers.
  The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it
with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great
U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.
  Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.
  Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.

 

Invasion of the Americans 2

 

An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost.  Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady
let down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"
  The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."  The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"

 

Extra, Extra!  (Thank god its fake!)

 

U.S., CANADA TO MERGE
59 Million Layoffs Expected

US and Canadian leaders announced today that their two countries are merging in order to reduce operating costs and increase production efficiencies.  "We're simply following the trend created by corporations who find this a quick way to increase market share and reduce expenses,"explains the government's new architect, 23-year-old MBA and investment banker, Billy Smurtz.  "We've created the first multi-national country."

The new country, which will be named Canadusa, is expected to reduce both governments' operating costs by thirty percent, with 59 million Canadusians expected to be laid off.

"Yes, there will be some disruptions," explains Smurtz, "but they're nothing we can't overcome.  We've got to crank out some new flags, constitutions, money, and stuff like that.  But the long-term cost savings far outweigh the disadvantages.We'll save three billion a year just by closing down all thoseborder crossings, not to mention shutting down that whole Washington DC thing.  Who can argue with that?"

"There are already so many similarities," he adds. "They've got baseball, we've got baseball.  They've got hockey, we've got hockey. They drive on the right side of the road, so do we.  If we hadn't told you about it, you wouldn't even know we did it."

And the plan doesn't stop there.  "We'd like to get Mexico into the operation as soon as possible," he says.  "But that whole language, heritage thing they have down there is causing problems with the takeover."

Citizens in both countries are divided about the plan.  One Canadian explains:  "They've got that great military superpowerthing going for them down there, eh?  We've got to love becoming part of that."  One American surfer remarked, "Yeah, I guess it's okay.  But it's cold up there, isn't it?  Couldn't we find a warmer country with better beaches, like Australia?  Now that would be cool."

Some US critics of the plan argue that there are more important issues at stake than just saving money.  Like patriotism.  But Smurtz argues that they're just being sentimental.  "You watch.  They'll get over it the first day they see a cut in their taxes.  Besides, they're gonna get their own province."

 

Doom to America

 

We Canadians have been secretly brainwashing Americans for years.  We started by sticking extra vowel sounds in our every day speach such as adding 'U's in words like labour and colour and adding an 'Eh' sound to the end of everything we say.
  The U.S. retaliated by making everyone south of the Mason-Dixon line talk like a bunch of hicks so that Canadians could not understand them when driving thru to Florida vacations each winter. Thus, the first infiltration was thwarted.
  We then started sending down our singers, actors, comedians and writer's to Hollywood to take over the industry.  You control the media you control their simple american minds. So far they have been successful...look at how California has been changed.
  This had led to further inroads throughout the states using the National Hockey League's continued expansion of teams as a front.  Where do most of these jobs for secret agents go to...Canadian hockey players.
  Where will the clever Canucks strike next...First the U.S. and then some day Canada will take over the entire world!

 

Canadian Complaints about Americans

 

Won't acknowledge enormous cultural contributions of Jim Carrey and
Howie Mandel.

We're pretty sure they're holding Wayne Gretzky there against his will.

Every time we mention the city "Regina", they won't stop giggling.

Incredibly, they only have one word for "snow".

In American encyclopedias, Canada often called "North Dakota's
gay neighbor".

They call it American cheese, even though it was invented by
Gordon Lightfoot.

They've never even heard of our most popular superhero,
Captain Saskatchewan.

Two words: "Weird Al".

Sick of that gap-toothed looser on "The Late Show with Paul Shaffer".

Not enough guys named "Gordie".

 

Cosmetic Surgery

 

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (Newfoundlander).
  He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?".
  "Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."
  The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.
  As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."
  The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

 

A Trick Question

 

If America and Canada got into a war, where would all the draft dodgers go?

 

A True Hockey Fan

 

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. "No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."

 

Hunting

 

A Canadian hunter had been hunting all day long. He fell asleep and was awakened late in the night by a large grizzly bear. The bear ripped the front of the tent and stood on it's hind legs. The hunter only had one idea. He dropped to his knees and prayed. "Lord, Please let this be a Christian bear." When the hunter opened his eyes the bear had dropped to its knees. "Lord, thank you for this meal in which I am about to receive."

 

A really stupid Newfie joke

 

Why did the Newfie want Quebec to separate? He wanted to be closer to Ontario.

 

Another really stupid Newfie joke

 

Did you hear about the Newfoundlander who died drinking milk? The cow fell on him.

 

Snow

 

A Canadian considers it one of the great thrills of life when snow doesn't stick to his shovel.

 

Hunting again

 

Two hunters hire a small plane to take them to a remote area of Canada. Upon dropping off the hunters, the pilot tells them, "Remember only one moose, because the plane wouldn't be able to take off with more weight than that." The hunters go off. A week later when the plane returns to pick them up the two hunters are standing by the lake with two moose. The pilot fumes, "I told you guys only one moose, you'll have to leave one because we won't be able to take off with that much weight." "Oh, c'mon," beg the two hunters, "Last year the pilot let us take two moose on, you're just a chicken." Not wanting to be accused of being a coward, the pilot allows the two to bring both moose on the craft. The plane starts across the lake, straining to take off. The pilot tries and tries to no avail as they run out of room and the plane crashes into the trees at the end of the lake. A while later after coming to one of the hunters gets up and looks at all the scattered debris of the wreck and says, "Where are we?" To which the other hunter replies, "Oh, I'd say about a hundred yards further than last year."

 

Only in Canada

 

-can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance

-are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink

-do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front

-do people order double chesseburgers, large fries and a diet coke

-do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters

-do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage

-do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call-waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place

-do we buy hotdogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages of eight

-do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli'in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures"

 

The Canuck Temperature Conversion Guide:

+15° C
Vancouverites try to turn on the heat.
Manitobans plant gardens.

+10° C
Victorians shiver uncontrollably and dig out their longjohns.
Winnipeggers sunbathe.

+5° C
Italian and German cars won't start.
Winnipeggers drive with the windows down.

Zero° C
Distilled water freezes.
Winnipeg's water gets thicker.

-5° C
Torontonians wear coats, gloves & wool hats.
Manitobans throw on a T-shirt.

-15° C
Quebecers begin to evacuate the province.
Manitobans go swimming.

-20° C
Toronto landlords finally turn up the heat.
Manitobans have the last cookout before it gets cold.

-25° C
People in Vancouver cease to exist.
Manitobans lick flagpoles.

-30° C
Calgarians fly away to Mexico.
Manitobans throw on a light jacket.

-40° C
Hamilton disintegrates.
Manitobans rent some videos.

-50° C
Mt. St. Helen's across the border freezes.
Winnipeg Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

-60° C
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Manitoban Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

-80° C
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Winnipeggers pull down their earflaps.

-100° C
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Manitobans get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-200° C
Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Manitoba cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

-300° C
ALL atomic motion stops.
Manitobans start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

-400° C
Hell freezes over.
The Winnipeg Blue Bombers win the Grey Cup

 

A guide to the meaning of "Eh"

 

EH= pronounced AY (similar but not the same as huh)

Eh is a useful word that is very important and is the basis of all Canadian communications. It is used in conjunction with other words, or simply by itself. The tone or the slight difference in exclamations also changes the meaning.

Eh= what did you say?
Eh?= what do you think
EH?= something to say just to end a sentence
Eh!!= WOW!!
EH!?= what do you mean?
Eh??= your joking!!!??
EH!!= Hello..you off in the distance!!!
Eh?= want a donut?
Eh!= sure!!
Eh!Eh!= coffee double cream too please!
Eh?= what you say when you realize you have no money to pay for it
Eh..cmon eh?= asking them to let you pay for it next time.
hey..eh!= want to go to the drive in movie??
Eh...uhuh= yes sure!
Eh..y'know= Ill pick you up at 8
Eh..cmon!!= well thats early..but ok
EH?????????= how did that happen?
EHHH ehh EHHH ehh= babys first cry
Ehh..whadya think eh?= marry me

 

Dumb Canadian Laws

 

Even though we're the greatest place in the world, our government does have some problems.  This is just a few.

NATIONAL LAW
-Every fifth song on Canadian radio must be by a Canadian born citizen.
-You may not pay for a fifty-cent item with only pennies.
-Citizens may not publicly remove bandages.
-Section 331 of the Canadian Criminal Code states that it is illegal to send a telegram or letter threatening a bird.

ALBERTA PROVINCIAL LAWS
-Businesses must provide rails for tying up horses.
-Wooden logs may not be painted.
-You may never use dice to play craps.
-If you are released from prison, it is required that you are given a handgun with bullets and a horse, so you can ride out of town.

BRITISH COLUMBIA PROVINCIAL LAWS
-It is illegal to kill a sasquatch.
-The best place in Canada to be imprisoned - if you=re a bankrupt drunk - is B.C. A law there requires jailers to bring convicted debtors a pint of beer on demand.

NEW BRUNSWICK PROVINCIAL LAWS
-Driving on the roads is not allowed. (Webmasters note:  If you actually follow this law, dont blame me if you get into trouble!)

NOVA SCOTIA PROVINCIAL LAWS
-When raining, a person may not water his/her lawn.

ONTARIO PROVINCIAL LAWS
-The speed limit is 80 kph for cars, but bicyclists have the right of way.

QUEBEC PROVINCIAL LAWS
-It is illegal to turn right on a red light at any time.
-All business signs in the province of Quebec must be in French. If the business operator wishes to have English on the sign, the French must be at least twice as large as the English is. There are no laws governing the usage of other languages on signs. -Bill 101 (Passed 1976)

CITY LAWS:

Etobicoke
-Bylaw states that no more than 3.5 inches of water is allowed in a bathtub.

Cobourg
-If you have a water trough in your front yard it must be filled by 5:00 a.m.

Gananoque
-Homeowners are responsible for clearing snow off of municipal sidewalks.

Guelph
-The city is classified as a no-pee zone.

Kanata
-The color of house and garage doors is regulated by city bylaws (a purple door get you a fine). It is also illegal to have a clothes line in your backyard.
-You can't work on your car in the street.

Oshawa
-It's illegal to climb trees.
-Homeowners are responsible for clearing snow off of municipal sidewalks. If sidewalks is not cleaned within 24 hours after a snowfall, city workers will clean it and the cost will be placed on the homeowners tax bill.

Ottawa
-It is illegal to eat ice-cream on Bank Street on a Sunday.

Toronto
-You can't drag a dead horse down Yonge St. on a Sunday.

Uxbridge
-Residents are not allowed to have an Internet connection faster than 56k.

Wawa
-You may not paint ladders, because if it is wet it is slippery.
-It is illegal to show public affection on Sunday.

Beaconsfield
-It is considered an offense to have more than two colors of paint on your house.
-You may not own a log cabin.

Montréal
-The Queen Elizabeth Hotel must feed your horse freely when you rent a room.
-You may not wash your car in the street.
-You may not park a car in such a way that it is blocking your own driveway.
-"For Sale" signs are not permitted in the windows of moving vehicles.
-Cars parked in public places must be locked, and their windows must be down to less than the width of a hand.
-One's rear license plate may not be protected by glass or plastic.
-You may not swear in French.
-Citizens may not relieve themselves or spit on the street. Punishable by a fine of over 100 Canadian dollars.

Outremont
-Not only do all exterior painting jobs require a permit (for color) but, for instance, the City went to Appeals Court over the exact type of division inside a window frame .

 

Roll up the rim to win!

 

A Newfie goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming,"I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch."

But the Newfie keeps on screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The Newfie says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"

She hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads... "W I N A B A G E L"

 

Whats my age?

 

A Newfoundlander working in Toronto decided to visit the zoo one Saturday. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's age. The Newfoundlander was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms.

The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy.

"Oh yes." the boy said.

The Newfoundlander was very loud in his not believing that this was true.

The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.

The Newfoundlander got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Newfoundlander that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Newfoundlander took him up on the wager.

The elephant looked real close at the skeptic, turned around, raised his tail and broke wind like you wouldn't believe, Turned back around and stomped his foot twice.

The Newfoundlander stumbled back amazed and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, "Gud Lard, me son, he's right...
I'm Farty-two!"

 

Hockey Champion (when the lockout's over)

 

One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:

"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Ottawa and this weather is just like a typical July day in the city."

Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.

When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Ottawa native,

"Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?"

The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in Ottawa. I'm coping it just fine."

Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the young man jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.

"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting:

"The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup! The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!"

 

A True Rivalary

 

An Oilers fan was driving home from work and he passed by the local priest. He stops and offers him a lift. The priest thanks him kindly and together they proceed to the church to drop the priest off.

On the way they pass a man walking his dog on the other side of the road. On closer inspection the man was seen to be wearing a replica Flames sweater. Now, the Oiler fan that was driving just hated the Flames, and he  suddenly felt an uncontrollable urge to run his car into him. He put his foot down on the accelerator and tried to hit him. At the last minute the Flames fan jumped out of the way, the driver of the car heard a bang, but he was sure he'd missed him.

The two men proceeded to the church in silence. The Oilers fan pulled up and said, "Look Father, I'm really sorry about that incident back there. I don't know what came over me. Can you forgive me, Father??"

The Priest replied, "Of course I can forgive you, my son. Don't worry - I GOT HIM WITH THE CAR DOOR."

 

We're so clever!

 

Three Canadians and three Americans are traveling by train to a hockey game. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket. "How are you three guys going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one American. "Watch and you'll see" answers one of the Canadians.

They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says " Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Canadian's trick on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Canadians don't buy any tickets at all! "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed American. "Watch and you'll see" answers a Canadian.

When they board the train the three Americans cram into one bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves their bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door, and says "Tickets, please!"

 

A Canadian Apology to the US

 

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him. I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.

I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice. I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we Feel your Pain. I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons. And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

Thank you

 

Government Effieciency

 

Every nation in attendance at an international symposium on elephants had to deliver a report on the animals.

France's report: "The Love Life of an Elephant."

America saw the economic values in: "Raising Elephants for Fun and Profit."

Great Britain had their own unique view: "The Elephant and the British Empire."

The Canadian report was, of course, typically Canadian... "The Elephant: A Federal or Provincial Responsibility?"

 

The Top 10 Reasons to be a Canadian

 

10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.

8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge frigging shotguns and cover your house in their skins.

7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.

5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?

4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.

2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

1. It beats being an American.

 

Last Words

 

An Englishman, a American and an Canadian were captured by terrorists.

The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."

The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."

The American replied, "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in America, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."

The Canadian replied, "Just shoot me before the American starts talking."

 

Things to be proud of if your Canadian

• Smarties.
• Crispy Crunch.
• Coffee Crisp.
• The footballs and fields are bigger, and we have one less Down.
• Lacrosse is Canadian.
• Hockey is Canadian.
• Basketball is Canadian.
• The biggest flags ever seen/flown at any Olympics were Canadian... The second time it was smuggled in because they made a rule against it cause of the first time.
• Mr. Dress-up can kick Mr. Rogers ass.
• Much Music kicks MTV's ass.
• Maple syrup kicks Mrs. Butterworths ass (...don't know about Aunt Jemima though).
• Tim Horton's kicks Dunkin Donuts ass.
• Waaaay better beer commercials/contests and beer company give a ways. Example: the Molson Canadian House Party...where you get to keep the house. Trashed or not.
• In the war of 1812, we pushed the Americans so far back... passed their 'White House', burned it...and most of Washington. We got bored because they ran away so we came home and partied. Go figure.
• Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
• The largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war.
• The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing... but showed up just in time to get caught.
• We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
• The Hudson's Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earths surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company.
• The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
• We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
• The Canadian Civil War was a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.
• We don't marry our kin-folk.
• We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, the long distance and short wave radios that save countless lives each year. Oh yeah...and the handles on beer cases big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.
• We can hum the tune to 'Definition'.
• We all know that a scale that measures boiling water at 212 degrees and freezes at 32 is asinine.
• We've ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
• We can out drink Americans in a heart beat!!
• Our elections take only one day.

Molson Canadian's "The Rant"

 

Hey,

I'm not a lumber jack, or a fur trader.

I don't live in an igloo, or eat blubber, or own a dog sled.

And I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzie from Canada. Although I'm sure certain they're really, really nice.

I have a Prime Minister, not a President.

I speak English and French, not American.

And I pronounce it about, not aboot.

I can proudly sew my countries flag on my back pack.

I believe in peace keeping, not policing.

Diversity! Not assimilation.

And that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal!

A toque is hat.

A chesterfield is a couch.

And it is pronounced Zed! Not Zee, Zed!

Canada is the second largest land mass,

the first nation of hockey,

and the best part of North America.

My name is Joe!

And I am Canadian!

 

An American's Confession  "The Truth" (Based on Molson Canadian's "The Rant")

 

I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or generally well-liked.

I don't live in a clean place, I don't eat nutritiously very often, and I don't drive well.

I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg.

Although I'm certain they weren't American.

I drink beer.....not good beer. I don't use utensils when eating.

I believe in guns for settling disputes, not discussions.

And I pronounce it AIN'T, not AREN'T.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack

...until I go anywhere, and what's the point in doing that.

Burger King IS fine dining. Cracker Jack IS a vegetable and WWF wrestling is real.

The UNITED STATES is the ONLY country in the world,

The FIRST nation of ignorance, and the BEST part of South America!

My name is Johnny Bob Jimmy Joe Ray...

...AND I AM AMERICAN!

 

Definition of a Canadian

 

What's the definition of a Canadian? -- A disarmed American with health care.

 

Shopper's Discount

 

 

 

Internation Security

 

An elderly Canadian arrived in Paris by plane. When a uniformed Customs official asked for his passport the old man fumbled a bit. "You should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection," snapped the irate official. The old gent replied, "The last time I came to France I didn't have to show my passport."

"Impossible. All Canadians must show their passports on arrival in France!" was the reply.

The old Canadian gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he calmly stated, "I assure you, young man, that when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D-Day in 1944, there wasn't a single Frenchman anywhere on that beach."

 

Free Help

 

It was announced today that Canada is now prepared to help the United States in its war against terrorism. They have promised to commit 2 of their largest battleships, 6,000 armed troops, and 60 fighter jets. However, after the exchange rate, that comes down to a canoe, 2 Mounties, and a flying squirrel.

 

Canadian TV

 

CBC Television is developing an Albertan version of "Survivor" the popular TV show. The rules are simple.

Each contestant must travel from Edmonton to Fort McMurray through High Level, Grand Prairie, Peace River, Hinton, Edson, Jasper, Banff, Red Deer,Calgary, Lethbridge, Medicine Hat, Brooks, Drumheller, Lloydminister and back to Edmonton again driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads:

I'm votin' for Chretien, I'm Gay and I'm here to Take your Guns.

The first to complete the round-trip alive is the winner!

 

Going To Saskatchewan

 

[Just in case you're traveling to Saskatchewan, here is a list of rules that will be handed to everyone entering the province…]

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a 4-wheel drive because I need it. Now drive or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine-years-old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "grain fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked... by our women.

5. Pull your pants up, and turn your hat around. You look like an idiot.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

8. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes unsweetened in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

9. You bring Coke into my house you should bring rye along, and ice.

10. So you have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million-dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

11. Let's get this straight. We may have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

13. Yeah, we eat trout, Northern, walleye, and pike, too. If you really want sushi and caviar, it's available at the bait shop.

14. They are pigs and cows. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Highways #1 and #16 go two ways - get on one of them.

15. The "Opener" refers to the first days of fishing and deer season. They are religious holidays. You can get breakfast at the church.

16. So what if every person in every pick-up waves? It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

 

Go Oilers!

 

There were 4 guys mountain climbing in the rockies all three were avid hockey fans. As they reached the summit, the first guy runs and jumps off of the mountain and yells "this is for the Los Angeles Kings"

The second climber runs off the summit and yells "this is for the Detroit Red Wings"

The third climber runs and pushes the fourth climber off the summit and who happens to be from Calgary and yells "this is for the Edmonton Oilers"

 

Those Maples “Laffs”

 

The man said, "My dog watches all the Maple Leafs games on TV. Everytime they lose, he lies down and cried his eyes out." His friend says, "That's incredible. What does he do when they win?" The man replied, "I don't know, I'll let you know when it actually happens."

 

How Many Fish?

 

A guy sees a Newfie walking down the street carrying a bag of fish.

He walks over to the Newfie and says: "Hey Newfie, I bet I can guess how many fish you have in that bag. If I get it right, will you give me one of them?"

And the Newfie says: "Heck, if you can guess how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give 'em both to you"

 

Newfie Math

A Newfie went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself, "I'm not hiring that lazy newf", so he decided to set a test for the Newfie hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Newfie says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Newfie says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss.

"Second question, same rules, but represent 99".
Newfie stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
"Der ya go bye," he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Newfie answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the newf so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."
Newfie stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base
of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir -100."
The boss looks at Newfie's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time."
He then tells Newfie, "Go on, Newfie, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."
Newfie leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start me job?"