First transmitted Wednesday, 11th January 2006, 10.00pm, BBC2.
written by Kevin Cecil and Andy Riley.
An Alien vessel is approaching. Missiles are primed. And soon the crew of the HMS Camden Lock shall "dance to their death rattle." These Aliens, however, are in the Appointments Diary, and not to be shot at, much to First Officer York's disappointment.
Despite York's suggestions that Starbase are humiliating the Camden Lock in making them ambassadors for the Peterborough Enterprise Zone, Commander Michael Henderson maintains that the business negotiations with the Glish are vital work.
While Diplomatic Officer Chloe 'Big Truck' Teal shows her admiration for the Commander, The Glish dock with the Camden Lock and make their entrance up at Q-PAT 4, licking their hosts' hands by way of traditional Glish greeting - nothing sexual, you understand.
Up on the bridge, meanwhile, Technical Officer Jeffers takes time out from perusing Which Implant? magazine to challenge Navigator Vine to set a course to really test Pilot (and Enhanced Human) Sandstrom. Sadly, said course culminates in Vine's coffee settling somewhere it really shouldn't - all over the NaviComputer.
Teal informs The Glish of the wonders of Peterborough - including the fabulous cheeses you can try at the Farmer's Market on Sundays - and the aliens seem to be quite taken with the place, and on the verge of signing the contract and completing the deal - biggety baggety bong. Indeed, before signing, they just have to partake in a new tasting - of Teal's face - just as Glish traditionally mark the making of a new agreement, and finally, to commemmorate the new business venture, an extra special tasting of the Commander's head - nothing sexual - with their genitals. Unfortunately, it's not quite as innocent as it seems, as The Glish have already done a deal with America, and merely want to rub their genitals against Henderson's head. Commander Henderson's refusal of the male Glish's 'lovely' genitals offends the aliens somewhat, and they leave the crew of the Camden Lock a special 'gift'.
As Henderson reveals in his video message, trade may well be a sideways move, but it's all in a day's work for a Space Commander - tomorrow, he could be back fighting the Red Shiny Robots of Vortis, who gain control of planets, then make it's inhabitants work till they drop, before feeding them to other workers. Earth could be next - but who cares when, like Henderson's nephew (who'll be receiving the message), you're celebrating your sixth birthday with a brand new bike. Thinking about the Red Shiny Robots isn't going to make you lie awake at night - even if that is when they attack.
As Henderson tells the Space Marshal of the unsuccessful meeting with the Glish, he is threatened with the 'Brat Run' - escorting a 190-strong party of children on trips to the moon and back. The current leader is retiring through stress, so SpaceForce is looking for a replacement...
Henderson has until Friday to make a Peterborough deal. Unfortunately, the Chu people of Gulf have already struck a deal with China, and the Obryms of Blaybe are now based in Florida.
Teal's search comes up with the planet Uberon, though sadly, they're Isolationist, and have had no contact with anyone for the past decade. Henderson, meanwhile, reckons that maybe now is the time to bring them back to the Galaxy, and is so pleased with Teal, he could kiss her.
Almost.
But before they can reach the planet, Jeffers is going to have to sort out the mess caused by Vine's spillage. Getting the NaviComputer working is going to take a while - it's stuck on the default settings, and Henderson needs to be at Uberon by the following day. But York has discovered the Glish's gift - a parasitic life form, whose very presence is putting the crew's lives at risk. The situation is even scarier than Vine's failed attempt at growing a beard (aka 'The Beast of Level 9'), for it has already killed a well-loved member of the Camden Lock crew - Oscar, the ship's guinea-pig. The alien threat - or 'Xenomorph' as Jeffers suggests they call it - has to be stopped, and York is going to stop it.
Attempting to help Jeffers fix the NaviComputer, Henderson presses the 'QuickFix' button. Unfortunately, this resets all the computers onboard, shutting down the entire ship. Powering back up, the Camden Lock has been reset on default, which shouldn't make life on board too difficult - unless you need the toilet.
"Proud people of Uberon. It is time for you to take your place once again amongst the great civilisations of this galaxy. Much has changed; for example, Peterborough now has a new access road to Ealing..."
Henderson attempts to write his speech for his address to theinhabitants of the world he visits tomorrow, but it's almost midnight, and his bedside lamp and alarm clock gang up on him, forcing him to go to bed, despite his protestations that he doesn't need to be up until 9am...
The next day, the HMS Camden Lock makes contact with a hostile Uberon. Henderson explains that he merely seeks a 'headmeet' with an Uberon representative, but all to no avail. The Uberon Minister onscreen is not receptive to Henderson's request.
However, as Henderson begins a quaint little tale of an ancient Earth village and their horse, it would seem that the Uberon Minister is receptive to Teal, lurking in the background. Teal and Fasmoff, it seems, go back years, to a kibbutz on Allakeyon 3. And after catching up with Teal (who still has that guitar), Fasmoff agrees to pop up and chat about ending the Isolationist ways of his people.
Bruised by his inability to secure the talks with Fasmoff on his own, Henderson wants the meeting ASAP, despite the creature still at large on board the ship - there's no way he's doing the Brat Run.
The somewhat psychopathic York leads his vicious band of warriors - consisting of Vine, Wade and Piretti - to the recycling centre, where they find the creature, who immediately leaps into the bottle bank. Vine - rather sensibly - suggests sealing the hatch and ejecting the contents - including the creature - into space, but York wants to the creature to be able to look him in the eye, and die "knowing who bested her." He has another plan.
Fasmoff arrives, completely ignoring henderson to catch up with Teal and hear tell of old friends who now reside in 'Happy Nappy Valley'. Meanwhile, back down in recycling, York is putting his plan to coax the creature out of the bottle bank into action. Unfortunately for Vine, this involves the hapless Navigator being stripped and covered in honey...
As Henderson and Teal lead their guest to the Meeting Room, Fasmoff seems very impressed, although he's not sure that Peterborough's going to be big enough. However, he decides to take Stirling and Doncaster as well - plus Wales - and it seems as though a deal is finally going to be made.
As Henderson enters the Meeting Room, and goes to prepare a good old british cup of mochachino, he makes the swift decision to hold the meeting in (the non-existant) Meeting Room 2, a decision made so swiftly due in no small part to the discarded lower limb of a crew member on the Meeting Room table, indicating that the creature has already been here.
As Henderson and Teal make Fasmoff comfortable in Meeting Room 2 - or the Urine Processing Area as it's also known - they can ignore the onboard commotion no longer, and leave him to read and sign the papers in peace, while they go off to judge the ship's 'screaming competition'.
The Camden Lock is falling prey to the creature, which is, Henderson tells York, "eating my crew."
"Only the slow ones", comes York's reply.
Henderson decides it's time to take action, and breaks out the big guns - literally - to escort Fasmoff to safety. They return to 'Meeting Room 2', but Fasmoff has gone. He's wondering the corridors of the camden Lock - and so is the creature...
As Henderson, York, Teal and Jeffers - newly equipped with 'baby's gun' as opposed to the souped-up rifles and lasers the others have - seek to destroy the creature, Fasmoff is about to leave the ship - but it may be too late.
Our interpid heroes follow the sound of Fasmoff's scream, and although he's seen the creature, he's left unharmed. But as Henderson and Teal reassure him that there's nothing like that in Peterborough, Jeffers is unwittingly taken by the hostile alien predator.
York prepares to blast the alien, but can't bring himself to shoot - it's survivalist instincts are so similar to his own, he just can't kill it. It falls to Henderson to power up his rifle and kill the creature. Unfortunately, his gun is still suffering the after-effects of the QuickFix, and is stuck on default setting. Henderson waits and agrees to abide by the terms and conditions, which takes an age - some things never change.
While 'the perfect survival machine' makes a meal of Jeffers' leg, there seems little Henderson and co. can do but listen to the gun witter on, while Fasmoff pleads for them to save the life of the poor man lying in front of them. Finally, enough is enough, and Fasmoff blasts the creature into oblivion himself - with the creature's gooey remains covering Henderson's party just as the rifle makes itself ready for action.
Henderson is forced to apologise to Fasmoff, and admit that he knew of the alien threat the whole time. Understandably, the Uberon Minister is no longer as enamoured with Peterborough, Britain, or Teal as he was, and even declines the Great Britain goody bag, despite the many wonders contained within. He doesn't even want the shortbread.
Henderson retires to his quarters to await the Space Marshal's call, catching up with one of his favourite Captain Helix adventures in the meantime, leaving Teal to make a call or two to nearby planets in the hope of securing a deal before the Camden Lock hears from the Marshal. Her call to the Whale people of Jerain isn't a great start...
Meanwhile, York has treated Jeffers' leg, and has bad news - he'll live. Though on the upside - he'll have a massive scar.
photographs copyright BBC, Qurios, 2006.
