All my life I felt unloved. Even unlovable. I know now that my parents loved me, but growing up, I never felt it. I think that's because I have such a big need for love. Maybe more than other people. Or maybe I always tried to make up for how my brother treated me. Growing up with him was like growing up invisible. I know it sounds strange now, but there were times that I wondered if I was there, or if I only thought I was. Maybe I was nobody. Kids think strange things sometimes.

And then, when I was a teenager, I discovered Christ. All of a sudden I had someone who loved me. I could feel it. He promised he would always love me, would always be there, whenever I wanted him. Even me - the girl nobody could love. Did I take him up on his offer? You bet. In a heartbeat. I thought, if you can't believe God's promises, what hope is there?

And then it started. I was told "Don't think that" "Don't feel this" "That isn't aceptable" Although it wasn't worded that way, I was taught that I was loveable only IF I changed nearly everything about me. So, what seemed to be acceptance turned out to actually be just more of the same. I was not loveable as is. No big surprise. I always knew that. So I prayed. I prayed and prayed and prayed. Sometimes I felt nothing back. When I desperately needed to touch that "source of all love" there was nothing there. I was told he doesn't hang up his end of the phone. The problem had to be on my end. When my whole soul is crying out for love and acceptance, how could I possibly not be receptive? ~sigh~ But, okay, that's what the Bible says. I was shown where, even. It had to be my fault. I understood. Time to paste a smile on and try even harder to not feel what I feel, think what I think, want what I want, be who I am. And pray. Pray that he would change me. Maybe if he did, someone would love me. Maybe he would love me. Maybe I would be worthy of his love.

Fast forward 20 plus years to when my life flipped over. I got out of my abusive marriage, met my soul mate, and lost my father. All within about 18 months. It was the happiest, but most demanding time of my life. I was needed, I was wanted, I was the one who held it all together. For everyone. And then I almost lost my mother, too. She and I are best friends and she is truly a part of me in a way that there aren't words for. I couldn't even imagine losing her. The one person in my whole world who had always, always loved me, and shown it. By this time, of course, I could see the love she had always shown. (Before Daddy's death, I had been able to see it with him, too.) Suddenly, I was the one everyone was looking to. And I wasn't even 40 yet! Help!!!

About this time, through the guidance of one of my ancestors, I discovered a whole new world. A world far older than I can really comprehend. A world, a way of living, that is older than the trees, older than the mountains, and way older than Christianity. Rather than giving mankind dominion over the Earth (and we all know how well we as a race have done with THAT!) this old way teaches us to live in harmony with our fellow Earthly-inhabitants. It's really hard to pollute a lake when you can feel it's spirit. Or carve into tree bark when you can feel the pain it causes the tree. It's a gentler, more loving life. And I learned that there was a Goddess, creator of all life. That made sense. Life is created by the female, isn't it? I needed to find out more about this Goddess. But which one? I searched for almost a year to find a Goddess from mythology who fit what I wanted in one. (Read the definition of the word myth. It means religious story. Not an untrue one, as we have always been taught. See, my college education paid off! How many dollars later, and I know the definition of the word myth! ~grin~) What I found is that we don't get to create gods to suit us. We don't necessarily even search and find one who suits us. We find the one who feels right to us. Or maybe we let them find us.

A funny thing happens to humans at around 40. We figure out who we are. Well, to a degree anyway. I am all about love (and yes, sex. THAT went over well in my earlier life. Whew!) When I became willing to lose my preconceived ideas about who each of the gods was supposed to be, and became willing to meet them and then try to define them, it was easy to see who I belonged to. Only the Goddess of Love could fill my need for love. Only the Goddess of Love understood what I needed and what I needed to give, and why. Only she had always been by my side, even though I ignored her during the Christian years. I spent some time with her, getting to know her, and soon became a Priestess of Aphrodite. Perhaps I should say I renewed my commitment to her, for I can remember another life where I served her well. This may be hard for some to understand, but there is no need for someone else to give us titles or status. It's really between us and our gods. I became a priestess by offering myself to her service. And I do serve her. Sometimes I meet people who need a little boost in their day. I know that happens to all of us, but I know Aphrodite put us in each other's paths. Sometimes I am able to help someone accept themselves, or give a much needed hug, or boost a man's fragile ego, by making him feel attractive. There are many ways to promote love, and my tasks are varied.

I have since expanded my spiritual "family" to include two more Goddesses and a God (Ares, who really is ALL THAT, as the young people say) and you know what? The "phone" works fine now. When I need a touch, a smile, a word of encouragement, they are always there. 100% of the time.

From my previous teachings, I know what the Christians would say. All this that has brought meaning and fulfillment to my life is of their devil. Satan, they call him. He hates us, they say. I'm sorry, but that makes no sense. How could a being filled with hate give me so much love? It is against the laws of nature. Logically, it simply can't be. And how could their Satan be all these different gods? He must be more powerful than their god to do all that. What god would create a devil anyway? And then make him more powerful than he is? How dumb is that? I've been told that my new life is dangerous. I can only say that danger, in my experience, is thrilling, not quiet contentment, and I think it's a lot more dangerous to reject yourself, or belong to a god that you feel rejected by, than to love yourself, and allow love to be in your life. My soul was suffering through my tenure as a Christian. It now is whole. What could possibly compete with that?

Many Christians believe Christianity MUST work for everyone. There is no other way, etc. I have been told that if Christianity didn't work for me, I must not have been doing it right. My point exactly. If it's so hard to get right that after 20 years, and five denominations, I still couldn't get it, then it's time to walk away, anyway. 20 more years probably wouldn't have changed anything. It goes back to parenting. If my child struggles with a lesson, I explain it better, and in various ways, until they get it. The Christian god didn't parent me even that well. But Ares and Aphrodite do. With them, I get to understand WHY something didn't go the way I expected -- what the lesson is that I need to learn.

Am I going to burn in hell? If an "all loving" parent can torture his child for eternity, maybe. But I will have an awful lot of good company. Look at all the witches who they already burned! And I simply cannot love a parent who is capable of that level of cruelty. I just can't. It's against all I believe in and care about.

How can I remember other lifetimes, when Christianity clearly teaches that isn't possible? Am I insane? Well, that depends on your definition of insanity. I do have mental illnesses. I have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder from years of living with abuse. I have been diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder, which responded very well to treatment, and hasn't been much of a problem since. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, although, since I have manic times, it's probably reallly bi-polar disorder. While I don't have full-blown DID, that I am aware of, I do disassociate to some degree. Most Christian faiths teach that a mentally ill person isn't accoutable, anyway, so that should satisfy their concern for me.

It is not my intent to bash Christianity or their beliefs. It works for many, many people. I simply wanted to address some of the more basic questions they would have all at once. It can be tedious to have to do it over and over again. For me, this isn't about NOT being Christian, but rather about being a Priestess of my beloved Goddess. However, knowing Christianity as I do, I am aware that for them, it IS about NOT being Christian, so I did my best to address those concerns.

The brightest of blessings to you all,

Calli