My Online Journal
I'm not much on journaling, but sometimes, I just need to discuss some experiences. It helps me deal with them. Unlike the other pages, this one may have less charitable things to say. On this page, I will be very open about my feelings, because that is what a journal is for.
2-26-04
I'm sad today. I met someone last night. I didn't like him from the beginning, but I was polite. That's who I am. I don't want to be any other way, but sometimes the price can be a lot to bear.
He started talking about his religion. I tried not to comment, and just let him ramble, but that often doesn't work with these kind of people. He eventually asked me if I believed the Bible. I should have said it was none of his business what I believed, since I didn't know him, but I told the truth. That was my mistake. I got sucked into an hour of being preached to, and being told the same old drivel I've heard before. Why is it that each person who preaches the message of that god thinks they have something new to say, and that wasting my time by not saying anything new is okay? Cuz they don't have anything new to say. The message doesn't change, you know?
The reason I'm sad is that it bothers me to see people be rude and offensive, and think it's okay to do so, because they are preaching their "message." I called this one on it. I told him that's one of my big issues with Christians. "You people" think it's all right to say offensive things and be rude and nasty, which is something I wouldn't do. I only share my experiences and my feelings about those experiences. I realize that offends some people, but i have a right to my feelings, so they just have to deal with it. That is NOT the same thing as mouthing off about someone else's beliefs just because your god gave you the right to, or some such thinking. It's a huge pet peeve of mine to hear people getting mouthy about something they know nothing about. LEARN what it is you are talking about, or don't bother me with it. I'm an educated person. I respect educated opinions. But i have NO respect for opinions based on rumor, conjecture, or prejudice. And that is exactly what this sort of thing is -- prejudice against anything but THEIR way. He apologized, but guess what? He didn't let up. He just got more subtle in his wordage. Like this was supposed to make me want to abandon my Beloved and follow that god? Pu-lease! I can be rude, if I choose, without joining up with them. Rude I know how to do, thank you. I simply choose not to. And I choose not to go back to Christianity.
All I can say is that the more I get exposed to people like this, the more I see the need for those of us who teach (and model) love and harmony with each other and with Nature. I know the Bible teaches Christians to treat people with respect and to live in harmony, but so many seem to skip that part. The crazy thing is that I am genuinely glad this man has found something that matters that much to him. It gladdens my heart to see that joy and passion in another. I just fervently wish that people like him could allow me to be joyful and passionate about what brings me happiness. But I know it will never be. Their whole doctrine teaches them that their way is the only way, and many make it a personal mission to "enforce" that. Sigh!
The really silly thing is that, from what they have been preaching to me lately it seems that belief in Christianity isn't so much based on belief in their god as belief in their devil. When I told this man last night that I didn't believe in the Christian devil, he honestly couldn't preach his message around that. He had to keep including him, and I kept reminding him that I didn't believe. Having studied the early Christian church somewhat, I know exactly what Archtype was used to create that character in Christian mythology and why. Unfortunately, most of them don't, and even worse, they don't care. An awful lot of people believe blindly, and I find that kind of thinking scary. Hitler's followers believed blindly, as did many others over history. I have to ask, is that really a wise way to think, or perhaps I should say "not think?" For me, in my personal choices, I say no. I don't want to be anyone's sheep, and follow them blindly. I want to take the time to learn what I am talking about. But that's just my choice, and I do grant others the right to choose theirs. What a world it would be if everyone did!
Blessed Be!
Calli
2-27-04
Today I got a guestbook entry that warmed my heart *smile at Riley* It touches me deeply that all my work here means something to someone. If one person can feel a bit more validated by my journey, that causes me to feel so humbled. I am grateful that my Beloved works through me. May She always do so.
It has also occured to me that there are people who see my choice of a path as being filled with bitterness and anger. I say again it's not about turning AWAY from one path, but TOWARDS another. I am not about anger and bitterness, but about joy and love. It DOES deeply sadden me when I see prejudice and intolerance, but that's all. Contrary to what many Xians think, life is not about them vs us. It's about each individual finding their own way. It saddens me that so many people are so narrow-minded that they can't see that there is ANY other way but their own. That is prejucide, plain and simple. And prejudice is just plain evil. My personal definition of evil is to seek to harm. Repression harms. Prejudice harms. Lack of acceptance of who another person is harms. Until they can see how destructive they are, why would anyone want to listen to them?
Is it any wonder our society is such a mess? Until we can all learn to accept one another, it will stay that way. Sadly, millions of people are taught every Sunday to reject anyone who is different. Having read their Bible, among many other Christian texts, I can honestly say that is not what their god taught. Many pick and choose which parts of their religious teachings to follow. They have forgotten that Jesus himself didn't reject whores, of all people. The people he rejected were the religious fanatics. (Big "Hellllllllllo" there!) To me, it's the BEHAVIOR of individuals that I find disturbing, more than anything. Can they not see how toxic their behavior is, or is it just that they don't care? I will admit that I definitely have issues with their doctrines, too, but that's minor. I accept their right to believe and follow it. It is my hope that someday they may all learn how limiting it is, as I did, but many never will grow that much. I know that, and if it makes them happy, that's what matters most.
For me personally, their preaching brings up old scars and old pain that I am trying to recover from. My Beloved Aphrodite helps me greatly, but I still must walk through the pain each time it gets brought up. Each time, it is a little easier, and I hope, someday, to be able to shrug it off without pain. That day is not yet.
People who have not been abused don't understand the concept of triggers. I know that.
A trigger is when something happens that brings back the helplessness, the terror. The trigger can be innocent, such as the sight of a blue bedspread, if a little girl was molested in a bed with a blue bedspread. The bedspread she sees today is totally innocent, but it triggers her, and suddenly, she is that little girl again, scared and in horrendous emotional pain.
Religion is a trigger for me, and I don't want to be reminded, but that doesn't stop them. Those people who try to give their "message" feel that if I hear it one more time it will sink in, or something. What they cannot see is that it only brings old pain. I know the message better than many of them do. I have lived it, for 25 years, actually. I have chosen otherwise. They need to deal with that. So, no, it's not anger. It's not bitterness. It's a very deep sadness and pain. But, EVEN MORE SO, it's about healing, wrapped in the love of my Beloved (Aphrodite) and my Daddy (Ares.)
I hope someday to learn to stop trying so hard to explain myself to those who don't want to hear it, anyway - those that don't want to understand, regardless of what they say. I would like to go through and change this whole site and just praise Those Who love me. Unfortunately, that's an old "victim" behavior, that I am not quite past, yet. I still want to believe in the goodness of people, that all people have goodness deep down, and that if I could just explain myself more clearly, they would understand. Even though, in my head, I know that isn't their agenda, I can't quite let go of the hope. Maybe someday, if I'm very blessed, I may finally be able to let go of it. I suppose it will finally happen when I am ready for it to.
Bright Blessings!
Calli
3-8-04
Along my journey lately, I've noticed that I tend to make a lot of blanket statements about Christians. Not all Christians are obnoxious and irritating. Most (I hope) are quietly living their lives and joyfully reveling in their beliefs. It brings them strength and hope, and what issue could I possibly have with that?
So, I thought it was time I qualified those statements. What I can't stand are those people who demand that I allow them to push what they believe onto me. No means no, and there are some who just don't accept that. That's based on bad behavior, not on their religion.
My Beloved has pointed out to me that if I continue to make these blanket statements, I am no better, no different than they are. And what they are is something I have no desire to be.
I have had some challenges recently -- nothing to do with religion, but very similar behavior to these people. I found a solution that fits with who I want to be. I've made my peace with the person in question, even though I know perfectly well his agenda has not changed. So what? We each made our position clear, and that's that. No reason for it to remain awkward. So, that's one victory -- one time I have worked things out my way. That's empowering, and maybe I can find a way to apply the same skills to these "preachy" types.
No matter how offensive or obnoxious people want to be with me, I feel a strong need to do things my way -- to find a solution that promotes love and harmony. It is my lifelong task to bring little droplets of love into the world. I am so very grateful to my Beloved for allowing me and helping me to do so. I will continue to strive to find a way to be tolerant of intolerance, which is really the only thing I can't deal with -- yet!
Blessings of Her Love,
Calli
5-20-04
When the subject of Jesus came up yesterday, I flippantly said "That's okay. He can't hurt me anymore." Then it hit me. That's so true. He can't do anything to me I don't let him do. I think that means I may be finally free of of the toxic messages I absorbed all those years.
I don't need saving from myself. I am beautiful and wonderful just the way I am. I truly believe that, deep down, where it counts. And that knowledge has come from being loved by the Goddess of Love and the epitomy of male sexuality, Aphrodite and Ares. They will always have my eternal gratitude for those gifts, as well as all the many others they have given me. I am so blessed to know them!
Bright Blessings,
Calli
7-02-04
And now my biggest challenge to date has arrived. My children's father has started taking them to church on his visits with them. The denomination he has chosen is one that was particularly toxic to me.
It doesn't matter that he is only attending for a while so that he can turn around and ask the church for financial help. My precious children will still be exposed to the messages that were so painful to me. And if one of them should happen to mention something that they have been
taught, they will be told point blank that they are wrong. Wrong to believe that they are precious and perfect just they way they are! That tears my heart out.
Unfortunately, all I can do is reinforce to them that they are loved and they are precious. The goddess cherishes them just as they are, and so do I. I can tell them they don't need someone to save them. What they need is to continue to grow into who they are destined to be.
I can't wait to see who that is!
Blessed Be,
Calli
11-27-05
I haven't been giving this website nearly enough attention over the last several months. I apologize for that. I've been involved in some pretty big projects on the Web, and my life has taken some pretty big flip-flops (all good, but busy!)
Today, I went to check on my website, and it wasn't there! Apparently, the webhost was experiencing difficulties. I haven't been happy with that server, anyway. I don't like pop-ups, and I could swear the literature I read before signing up and building my site, said "No pop-ups." I also am pretty sure I've been getting spyware from them, too, which means all my visitors have been, as well. That does NOT make me very happy!
Well, to make a long-story (and a long day) short, I moved today. Of course, that was quite a project! In going through and checking all the links, I decided to read all my pages, too. I found some typos, which I hate. I'm always so careful.......sigh! I also got to relive my journey, which was cool!
Thanks to this journal, I have been able to purge many of my feelings that I didn't want to have. You know, the resentment and the pain. I'm really not bothered much by the traumas of my previous religious experiences. I think this is due to three things:
1) I have, for the last several years, had a "soul sister." We remember being actual sisters in previous lives, and we understand each other like no one ever has understood either of us. Her unconditional love and understanding has helped me see myself as she sees me. I am a wonderful, loving woman, and a great mom, and if there are people who can't see past their own prejudices, well, that has really nothing at all to do with me or my value as a human being. I have also been blessed with the unconditional love and acceptance of the amazing woman who gave birth to me - my mother and best friend. I've always had that, but I have shared so much more of myself with her these last few years, and she has accepted and even embraced all of me that I have shared.
2) I have lived for nearly two years with a man who doesn't approve of my religion. He thinks it's evil. He also thinks that he can do whatever he wants, say a few Hail Marys, and move on, with no consequences. ~can you see me shaking my head in confusion on that one?~ Living with someone who I not only can't share my spirituality with, but even have to keep it low-key has strengthened me a lot!
3) I have been remembering more and more about my past lives, and recalling what power and spirituality I had then, along with the obstacles I dealt with then, has reminded me of who I am. Who I have been for centuries.
I now have the confidence to do what I feel is right, and no longer worry about other people's opinions. And, there has been an amazing bonus to it all: I have the privilege of watching my daughter grow in the path of love and light. She is only eight, but she will most definitely be an amazing woman - one I will so enjoy knowing! I enjoy her every day now, even though there is much we can't yet share, because she isn't ready to understand a lot of things. Just like my mom and me, she and I are best friends, and I know the teenage years will be rough (she's a Taurus, and she has all the lovely traits of that sign. I am, too, by the way) but I also know that we will find the closeness we now share again when those years are past. I have already raised one stubborn, difficult, obnoxious, thought-I-was-gonna-kill-him child, and he has turned out to be such a blessing to me now. I never thought I would say this, but we are very close. If that can happen with HIM, I have extremely high hopes for my adult relationships with my other children.
I was reading all the things I wrote about what I hoped would happen in the future. Well, most of it has. I no longer bother to try to explain myself to pushy people. I now come across with the attitude that I will be who I want to be, and I'm just plain not interested in what they have to say, or the way they insist on saying it. I don't get in their faces, but I don't allow them to bully me anymore. If all else fails, I simply tell them that I couldn't possibly love a god that could torment any one of his children for eternity. There isn't much that one can say to that.
Of course, there is a fly in the ointment, or in other words, a growth opportunity here. Remember the beloved relative that I mentioned on the homepage? Well, we aren't so close anymore. I don't know if she couldn't handle the fact that I simply was not going back to Christianity, or if it was something specific that I said. She is polite, but no longer warm. The part that hurts so much about this is that I expressed to her that I was afraid of losing her if we discussed our religions. I know how very much her religion means to her, and I didn't mind a bit when she would share her experiences, and the things that made her happy. But when she started telling me that she felt that the problems in my life were due to my not following her god's laws, I set a boundary. Nothing's been right between us since. I feel hurt and betrayed. Why did she reassure me that nothing would come between us and then allow it to happen? I have loved and adored her my entire life. She knew that, and for some reason, has cooled off toward me now. I can only guess that she is also hurt. Something I said must have hurt her, but she won't talk about it, so I have to let it be. I won't be pushy. When she's ready to deal with it, I can only have faith that we will. But, like all growth opportunities, if one handles them well, a blessing follows. I have since reconnected with another relative, that I have wanted to be close with for a long time. In a family where we are all spread out in age, this relative is the only one my age. It turns out that we feel much the same way about a lot of things, and we have been a great support to one another since we started talking. And, here's the really funny part -- she used to think I was a snob (Yes, me! Like I ever thought I was good enough to be a snob!) and it was reading this site that helped her to see that I wasn't who she thought at all. Coincidence? Some might think so, but I don't believe in them. Everything happens for a reason, and I simply love watching those reason become clear to me. I think of it as watching a tapestry unfold as it is woven.
At this point, life is good. What more could I ever ask for?
Brightest of blessings to you!
Calli
Oh, and P.S. -- the church thing blew over, as I knew it would, with absolutely no damage to my beloved little ones!
12-04-05
Today, I had a really cool spiritual experience. I couldn't wait to add it to my journal!
A friend came over today. He has fallen in love, which is a pretty unusual thing for him. In all the years I've known him, I've never heard him mention being interested in anyone. Well, the lady he has given his heart to is being a huge challenge. She's got a lot of problems, and I mean a LOT! Plus, she doesn't seem to be as interested in him as he is in her. The situation seems sort of "Pretty Woman -ish" to me. He is the only one who can see the beauty in her soul, under all the issues she has managed to create for herself.
Well, my boyfriend and my son told our friend all the expected things - that she was using him, that she would probably take off when someone who offered her more came along, etc. I could tell that there was something more going on here, but I couldn't put my finger on what exactly. To be honest, I told him all those things, too. But I also told him that I am a hopeless romantic, and there is a chance, however unlikely, that she does truly see all that he is offering her, and does appreciate it. I told him that maybe it frightened her to be treated so well, if she wasn't used to it. And, having been there myself, I told him maybe she was afraid of her own feelings.
Heck, when I fell in love the first time (at 38 years old!) it took me six months to come to terms with all the never-before-felt feelings I had to deal with. Lucky for me, the man I fell in love with had limitless patience with me. I kept playing "go away, no wait a minute" with the poor guy. For six months! It took me two of those months to admit to myself what I was feeling. And, once I did, there was no way I was going to tell the guy! I ran, and I ran, and I ran. But I ran back to him, too. Almost as many times as i ran away. Well, since we ended up together, I guess I ran back one time more than I ran away, didn't I? But it sure felt like I was running away more than towards. I told my friend all this. I explained that love is the most wonderful and the most terrible thing that can happen to you, all at once. But, that having the chance to feel that way was so worth it, no matter how it turns out.
During the whole conversation, I was very aware that I am a Priestess of Aphrodite, and that this conversation was significant. He came to me, without knowing that about me. The guys were talking to him, but his questions kept being directed at me. It was my opinions and impressions that he wanted. I knew that Aphrodite wanted something from me, but what? Should I tell my friend to walk away, which would be the smart thing to do? This girl is a huge handful of heartache, by the sounds of things. Or should I tell him to go for it, and lay his heart open for her to rip apart? How could I give advice like that to someone I care about? All I knew was that what I said really mattered. What to say?
And, then, suddenly, I began to get some gut feelings about this girl. I understood that she knew that my friend was the best thing that ever happened to her, even though she wouldn't admit it. I felt that she was scared and confused. She knows that this is a significant event in her life. She pushes him away with both hands, but if he actually does stay away, then a few days later, there she is at his door. I sensed that she was fighting her own feelings, every bit as hard as I once had. I shared all this with my friend, and told him that I wasn't sure if I was right, but this is what I was sensing. But, I knew who was giving me insight into the situation. My Beloved Goddess.
I did a tarot reading for my friend. I can see that he will protect and shelter her in the very near future. From what, I don't know. I also couldn't see how this all will turn out. I know that the process they are involved in will go on a while. She needs time to get used to being treated well, and to her own feelings. I have no idea if they will be together when all the dust settles.
But, I wonder if that really matters. It seems to me that the process is more important than the outcome. I don't know if he will win his love, but I do know that he needs to walk through this situation. I know that this is a growth experience for him, one that he needs. I really hope that he won't end up with his heart hurting more than it already is, but the gift that he will get, in terms of growth, will be worth whatever he has to go through. Just as it was for me. I lost my first love, in a very painful way, an unbearably painful way. He just disappeared without a word. I have never felt pain like that in my life. I wondered if I would survive it for a long time. But, the opportunity to feel that incredibly strong love was so worth the price. I have never felt anything like it, before or since. Just to know that something so strong, so invigorating, something that made me feel so ALIVE exists, and to have felt it for a few years, anyway, was the most amazing thing! My friend knows what I mean when I say things like that. I wonder if everyone does, or if it only happens to a select few. Sadly, I don't believe that something that amazing happens twice in a lifetime. Asking for it would be just plain greedy.
I'm looking forward to seeing how this turns out for my friend. Of course, I'm hoping he gets the happy ending that I didn't. If not, I'll be here to help him get through it. At least I understand. Boy, do I understand!
And, no matter what happens in the future, I am so very grateful to have the opportunity to once again serve my Goddess. Her love is one I get to enjoy forever. I'm so grateful to her for choosing me! May she always give me these little tasks to do that bring me so close to her and her love!
Blessed Aphrodite, I am yours, now and always!
May She bless you with all that you need this holiday season!
Wishing you joy, peace, and, above all else, love!
Calli
1-14-06
Things have been challenging lately. While I've grown spiritually, and feel much more confident and have a more defined idea of what IS part of my path and what is NOT, there have been some pretty big challenges in other areas. I've been having some health issues that have kept me from doing many of the things I love. I'm also having some relationship issues, but not ready to talk about them here.
One thing that's been really difficult is having to hide who and what I am from someone I love. My boyfriend's sister and I are becoming really close. I really enjoy her and her husband, and clicked instantly with both of them when I got to know them. Recently, they moved back to the area we live in, and we're seeing more of them. What's the problem, you ask? They are apparently very Christian, although you wouldn't know it from their lifestyle. Not that they are wild or anything -- it just doesn't show. In my experience, usually when someone is very religious, they tend to have certain standards for themselves and others that I don't really see in these folks. They just seem like regular, I guess you could say "averagely" religious people. I'm not explaining this very well, I know. Sorry. My boyfriend is of the opinion that they won't want to be so close to me if they find out I'm not Christian. I honestly don't see how that makes any difference. If you like someone, why would you stop liking them because they don't share your religion? I want to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with her and get it all out in the open. Better to have whatever issue it will be handled now, before we get any closer. But, it's terrible timing. Her husband was just diagnosed with a terminal illness, and has less than one year to live. As badly as I feel the need to be open and honest, I simply can't burden her any more than she already is. I am doing everything within my power to be supportive of them through this, and apparently, I am making a difference for them. My desires and needs simply have to wait. I've never lied about who I am, but not sharing feels almost like I have. Part of my anxiety, I know, comes from how things turned out with my close relative I mention on the homepage. That didn't end up going as well as it started out. But, when the time is right, I will have this discussion. Too many times in my life I have felt loved, but not accepted for who I am. I will no longer allow anyone to be truly close to me without knowing they accept the whole me. I'm not perfect, but I think I am definitely worth knowing and loving. If someone doesn't agree with that, it really is their loss. Having this hanging over our relationship is difficult for me. But I'll deal. I always do. Interestingly, my daughter is going through similar things with her friends, and I'm doing my best to stress that I want people to love her for who she is, not who she pretends to be. Unfortunately, she's at the age where friends matter so much that she's willing to pretend. As much as it hurts me to see this precious, beautiful child not feel she's able to be herself, I have to allow her to choose how to handle her own friendships. I'm hoping that as long as she and I keep communication solid between us, she'll weather the challenges, too. Know what? Parenting is hard! It's not the big things that get me, it's all the little ones. Watching my kids walk through their own lessons, when I feel I have the answers and could just give them to them, all wrapped up in pretty little bows, hurts. But, if we don't walk through our lessons on our own two feet (or hands and knees sometimes) we don't grow. Sigh! I'll be honest. I don't have the answer for her this time. That's hard, too.
May the gods shower you with their brightest blessings!
Calli
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