Stage One: Shock

The first stage of grieving is shock. A person does not believe the news, and essentially becomes numb.

Tips and Techniques

When family members are in the shock stage and cannot believe the news about the diagnosis or death, they need to:

1. Talk to someone about the news and their feelings. The person with the diagnosis and the family should share their feelings with each other if possible and with other family members. It may be helpful to use expert listeners, such as trained clergy, mental health counselors, social workers and nurses. Support groups are wonderful helps.
2. Be with people they love who can provide support.
3. Hear genuine caring, not suggestions to "fix" the grief. Empathy goes a long way.
4. Be encouraged to keep lists of schedules, noted of callers and appointments marked on calendars. It’s easy to forget things during this stage of grief. Reminders can be very helpful.

Stage Two: Adjusting

The second stage shows the beginning of the adjustment process.

Tips and Techniques

People in the second stage of grieving can be encouraged to try some of the following techniques to deal with their grief:

1. Realize that what is lost, but remember what remains each day. They can use their remaining abilities and skills to enjoy the company of the ill person and to do things together.
2. Physical exertion is a good way to deal with anger or frustration about the situation. Swimming laps, golf, walks, scrubbing the floor, waxing the car or furniture, trimming bushes or making bread help vent intense feelings.
3. Sometimes getting out by themselves and looking at peaceful scenes such as a flower garden, going to a museum to view rich colors or having a quiet time at a local church, chapel or synagogue can bring relief.
4. Writing down feelings on paper can help. Sometimes it helps to keep a diary to review past experiences and gain some perspective. Sometimes it helps to wad up the paper filled with words and toss it vigorously into the trash, a symbol of throwing away the anger.
5. Expressing oneself in painting or music also helps.

Stage Three: The New Life

The third stage of grief is the new life stage, when a person takes steps to move on to the next phase of his or her life.

Tips and Techniques

People who are in the third stage of grief should be encouraged to:

1. Seek the company of a pet, a friend or support group if they are feeling lonely or isolated.
2. Do something that is different or fun. Indulge in a movie or special treat.
3. Be with people. Go to a sports event or a free lecture at the public library. Being around happy, healthy people can be healing.
4. Try to remember what used to be fun and who used to be fun. Renew former activities and friendships.
5. Volunteer: Help others as a way to help themselves. Share what you have learned in your journey with others who are just beginning their journey.

• Shock and denial. Feeling numb, stunned and dazed are healthy and normal reactions. Often, it is difficult to “take in” information. The appetite may disappear. People often feel completely exhausted, yet unable to sleep. The reverse may occur where people sleep most of the time. Feelings may range from fear and anxiety to guilt and depression. There are times some may feel they are going crazy. It is healthy to express true feelings in this stage. Some people find relief in crying and/or talking to others.
• Searching and yearning. During this time, the bereaved search for what was lost. It is during this period that the most bizarre behavior occurs. Guilt and anger are often a part of this phase, as people search for answers. It is important that the bereaved express feelings, including anger at God—if they have those feelings—jealousy and other strong emotions. They need not be ashamed of their feelings—anger turned inward becomes guilt and this leads to depression.
• Disorientation and disorganization. The appetite is poor, people lack motivation, have impaired judgment and experience insomnia. As the bereaved struggle to be relieved of disorientation there is a search to find the answer that feels right to them. A listening ear is the greatest gift to the bereaved. Society expects mourners to be healed quickly and support is often lacking after a short time. Others tend to avoid talking about the person who has died, when that is the thing that helps the bereaved most. During disorientation the self-image is lowered and the mourner often isolates himself/herself from others.
• Reorganization and restoration. This phase does not occur quickly. Here people begin to sort out suspicions and attempt to identify what was lost. There is a sense of release, renewed energy, more socialization, better judgments and more stable eating and sleeping habits. Readaptation to the loss does not mean forgetting. Adults can begin to restore emotional well being by acknowledging feelings, asking for support, reestablishing routines and reaching out to others. They can care for the needs of children by listening to their feelings and fears, providing information to clarify what occurred and whether it can affect their lives and by reestablishing routines that will comfort and reassure.

Complicating issues in sudden, unanticipated crisis or death

Complicating issues associated with traumatization:

• The capacity to cope is diminished.
• The assumptive world is violently shattered.
• The loss does not make sense.
• The mourner experiences a profound loss of security and confidence in the world affecting all areas of life.
• Symptoms of acute grief and physical and emotional shock persist for a prolonged period of time.

Complicating issues associated with loss of a loved one under sudden and unanticipated circumstances:

• There is no chance to say goodbye and finish unfinished business with the deceased.
• Disbelief about the loss interferes with the mourner’s ability to come to grips with the reality of the death and its implications.
• The mourner obsessively reconstructs events in retrospect.
• The death stimulates an intense search for meaning and often the burning need to determine responsibility, affix blame and mete out punishment for the loss.

Help with grief

Suggestions for Coping with Your Child's Days
By Elizabeth B. Estes, Augusta, GA TCF

Two days of each year stand out as the pits for most bereaved parents--the anniversary of their child's death and their child's birthday. Over and over parents ask How do you get through these two painful times? The response is the same as the question How do porcupines make love? -- Very carefully.

I read somewhere that even if your mind forgets the anniversary of traumas you have experienced, your body remembers. Pneumonia was the final cause of our daughter's death in September, 1984. Each September and each February, her birthday month, I developed pneumonia, although I had never had it before in my life and was not consciously thinking of having it. The year our TCF chapter started broke the pattern and I haven't had it since.

Knowing you will remember, here are some practical suggestions garnered from reading and listening to others talk. Sometimes the anticipation of how awful the day will be adds to the torture. Plan something away from home, a shopping trip, a business trip. You won't forget, but distractions can help from focusing on agonizing memories.
Seek out a special friend who will let you share your memories and distress, who will permit you to cry if you must. Talking and crying are catharsis and a part of healing.

Think of something you can do for someone else in memory of your child. Give a pie, a book, a bouquet of flowers, or a visit to a person, who is lonely (another kind of debilitating pain). You don't have to tell the person you are doing this in memory of your son or daughter, the act can be a secret between you and your child. You are passing on some of the love you shared.

Take flowers to the cemetary and talk with your child. Does this sound like lunancy? I hope not because every time I go to the cemetary I talk with Tricia. Whether we admit this to others or not, don't we all talk to our deceased children at times? If someone sees my lips moving at the cemetary visit and fails to understand, that is his problem, not mine.

Say thank you aloud or as a silent litany during the day to God (or whoever) and to your child for the beauty of his/her life, for the enriching opportunity to experience the unique being that was your child.

If you stay at home with your grief then, by gosh, wallow in it, if you want to. Suffer your misery to its depths, cry, rant, rave, be resentful--make yourself sick, if you have to. We are brainwashed with look on the bright side and the power of positive thinking. I personally believe that periods of very negative thinking often release a residue of emotions and feelings which makes eventual positive thinking possible. Even Jesus had Gethsemane. As with a physical wound, pain is a part of healing. Pain signals that your body is still alive and is working on this affront to its mental and physical health. Later when your wound is healed or getting better, part of your pleasure at the release comes from being able to remember how much it hurt.

For ten Septembers I have not been able to erase Trici's death-day from the calendar, but each year I face it better. Some time I still have a tightening in the chest and a lumpy, leaden knot in my stomach, or I permit myself to ask a few sad, unanswerable questions. Allowing myself to feel whatever my true feeling dictate, I have finally learned to flow with the sting of grief, instead of denying it or fighting it. Her birthday has become a time of happy remembering. Often I wear something of hers on that day and let my love flow out to her, wherever she is. I'm so thankful I had her, even in the face of loss.

How do you get through these anniversaries? You simply live through them as best you can, sometimes using them as a yardstick for measuring your personal healing. Maybe you can say Last year I cried all day, but this year I cried only a few hours. The death-day may never be a good day, but we can't remove it from the 365 any more that we can bring our child back to life. And that, of course, is why the anniversary days are so painful; they intensify our great longing to erase the death. Each anniversary faced can be a step in acceptance and healing.