(Well, after the nice reception of my previous fic hack on Clarissa’s “The Vampier Clarissa,” –shudders- I decided to take another go at this happy trade. This nauseating piece of donkey arse has been waiting to be dissected for months. To all crappy fanfiction writers, beware. I WILL come mutilate your literary diarrhea without a bit of hesitation. No one is safe. Muwahahahaha. Wow…I feel threatening. –grin- Anyway, here goes my hack of “The Love of a Vampire” –shivers-. Try to enjoy.)

(note: sorry for miss spells this was quickly typed) (Ha! Really? And couldn’t she have taken oh just a moment to spell check it? What was her rush? Was the omnipotent god of shitty fanfiction ready to smite her if she didn’t immediately empty her bladder on the boards of NC?)

Part1

The vampier (This…is…getting…so…irritating. I would like to know WHY in the hell she continues to spell such a basic word wrong. Let’s review. That word has to appear only a couple of thousand times in each Vampire Chronicles book. Not to mention the fact that TWO of the books even have that word in the title, spelled V-A-M-P-I-R-E, undoubtedly. But that’s not even counting the side story that is Vittorio. Sheesh.) sits upon a brown leather chair, playing with a gold ring in his fingers. (Eeek! Lord of the Rings, vampire style! Now I’m going to have these horrible dreams of vampires with extremely hairy feet and Legolas sucking blood. Thanks a lot. –shivers-) The only thing lit in the old 1700s like room was the fireplace where Frodo’s head was roasting on a wooden kebab stick, which he sits by and his vampier eyes (Oh lowly verb…where hast thou gone? Ack. I think it’s somewhere in that fireplace along with Frodo and any hopes of literacy oozing from her direction.) fixed upon it. He starts to speak to you (Ooooh, me? I feel…so special. –rolls eyes- Well, I’ve got a question for you, Louis. How in all seven hells did you get yourself flushed down the literary toilet? It’s okay. –pats- A few years of therapy should ease the pain.),"My name is Louis de Pointe du Lac, I am a vampier, a child of the night and in my spare time, I enjoy hot tubbing, sushi, and long walks beneath the full moon." he goes slinet (Oh lookie! It’s our old friend “slinet”! I missed you, poor product of mercilessly mocking the English language! -begins waltzing with it-) then speaks again"Let me tell you my story of love...my true life story." (-shivers- For some reason, I’m having flashbacks to those badly animated Disney movies narrated by Jiminy Cricket…and his talks about having a conscience and other happy things. I don’t think Clarissa has a conscience, or else she wouldn’t have decided to open her rectum all over the poor unsuspecting members of Notre.) The vampier stands up and walks out of the room. You heard his voice but his lips did not move, as he spoke (Yay! A tense problem! It’s like those markers that change color when you run that weird transparent one over them. She’s been coloring every other verb with those proverbial markers and now none of the tenses match up. –exaggerated gasp- It’s like…Elton John’s wardrobe!) to you from his thoughts of how irritating it was to try to lace up his shoes with all that toe fur in the way.

Part2

"It all started in the year 1809, then I first met this goddess of my love, Jimina Cricket. She has a strong conscience, a pure mind, and makes great tuna casserole. Thank you e-harmony.com!" As he spoke it shows him walking down the empty dim lamp lighted streets, he walks up to a wooden door, opens it and walks in. (It’s the grammatical marker again! But this time it’s been upgraded and not only converts tenses, but punctuation too! Turn those boring grammatically correct sentences into ones riddled with comma splices! Who ever needed conjunctions anyway? For the price of only $19.95, you can get this incredible offer! And that’s not all! Call in the next ten minutes and you’ll get a free word scrambler too! Why put your letters in logical order when you can butcher the English language with incredible ease and mess with the sanity of those who actually write coherent fanfiction? They’re all snobs anyway! Wriet liek tihs nwo! This sixty dollar value is yours for only $19.95 and the mindset of all those around you! CALL NOW!) He steps into a crowded bar, full of smoke from all the men smoking their cigars, laughing of drink men (Drink men! Woohoo! –puts men in cup, adds tequila, and straw- Wow, it’s even better than tequila on the rocks! Imagine that! And I thought drinking buffalo testicles on MTV was wild! Boy was I ever wrong!) and the laughing of the hookers that drift around can be heard and seen. (-whispers, pulling comforter up to chin- I see laughter...people. I added the last word for good measure.) Then everything went quite (Shhhh! Be quite, kids! Clarissa’s demonstrating how to be quite…illiterate! Take careful notice if you ever want to ruin the meaning of the word “fanfiction” for the rest of the world as she has so deftly accomplished.) as the people saw him, stone cold faces of fear stare (-to the tune of the Hamtaro theme song- It’s marker time! MARKER MARKER MARKER!) upon him. He walks to the bar table and sits upon a stool, then the sounds starts up again. A girl about the age of 15-17 stairs at him from the end of the bar table, kindly offering him the opportunity to carve notches in her body and use her to traverse from one story of the building to another. She has long brown hair, almost black, dark blue eyes like the midnight sky and gentle pale skin. (Little boy: Lookie, mommy! It’s a despie! Mother: Quiet, honey! It’s not polite to stare. Although it’s perfectly kind to stair. See…she’s doing it too. Little Boy: Oh, okay. –goes up to some random man and stairs…and now resides between the second and first floors of his illegal chop shop.-) He gently looks up to her and gave her a little smile. He stands up and walks to her," How are you tonight m'lady?" (-sniffles- Aww…her poor SHIFT key just gave out. –pats it- You would think with such little use it would still be able to go for awhile. But then again, with her fingers on the keys, anything’s possible. Is there some sort of protection service for mistreated keyboards? If there is, I’m giving them a call as soon as I can wrench my cell phone from the clutches of Carrot Top. I shouldn’t have made that damn collect call. –sigh-) a gentle smile comes upon the girl's small lips,"Fine, just fine" "Good to know.." (Wait…who’s speaking now? Is she talking to herself? –confused-)"What is your name sir?""My name m'lady?""Yes your name" "Louis" "That's a very handsome name, as handsome as you!""Thank you" (EEEK! My brain cells can’t take it anymore. I have this visual image of Halle Berry sitting in an asylum cell, playing with sock puppets. Fill in the dialogue.) he smiles again. "What is the name of this beautiful angel?" he gently touched the side of her face, she gazed into his eyes and to her horror realized that there were actually minute hairs growing out of his eyeballs! It seemed as though hobbits weren’t the only ones with random hairy body parts,"My name is Marie de Renee" he smiles yet again,"Perfect name for a perfect girl" "Thank you sir" (Halle Berry: -whacks sock puppets together- KISS ME, MY DEAR! –hyperventilates- Jesus, what am I doing here? Even in my delusional psycho form, I can’t come up with horrifyingly mushy drivel THIS bad. I give up. –throws puppets down and races off- I need a Clozapine the size of a hockey puck. Note: Clozapine is a medicine to treat severe schizophrenia, among other things.) she gave a nod as she spoke it. He stands up from his stool,"Care to join me m'lady?" she stood up,"I would love to!"they leave the bar and walks (NEW UPDATE! Now from Microsoft, comes the revolutionary upgrade for the old Grammar Marker™…Grammar Marker 2.853™! Not only can you change tenses and punctuation, but now you can make verb agreement errors in the blink of an eye! Confuse those snobby literates even better than before! –cheesy music- For only $19.95, you can purchase this amazing upgrade patch! Let’s see what the happy buyers have to say about it! Clarissa: I bought the Grammar Marker 2.853™ patch and now I’m happier than ever, beating the fuck out of the character that is Louis! Thank you, Grammar Marker 2.853™! Announcer: See, wasn’t she happy? And you can be happy too! With the Grammar Marker 2.853™ patch, all your dreams of incoherent fanfiction can now come true! Buy now!) down the street together," So tell me about yourself Louis" he smiles "I was born in France" "Ah France, I love France!" (Poor France! –gasps- And once again she proves that there IS a such thing as bad publicity! Random Frenchman: Merde! –stomps off, nibbling on a conveniently placed, clichéd croissant-) "I'm happy to see that my dear" he gently kisses her on the cheek,"I feel I can trust you, yes?" "Oh yes Louis!" You can trust me with anything" "Well..." he whispers into her ear, a smile came upon her face, “My darling,” he whispers, “I’m secretly a mutated being who lives beneath the stairs of the illegal chop shop, clutching my ring and watching Frodo’s ears fry to well done perfection. Some call me Gollum, but I prefer...Ms. Goll-goll. –takes ring from pocket- Isssss that okay, my precioussssss? –strokes-" " Oh I love knowing that you are!" "Really, precioussssssss?" "Yes!" she kisses his lips in a quick and happy way. He smiles," I'm happy to see that my dear preciousssssssss." They start walking and talking again. It fades out watching them walk away, Ms. Goll-goll gleefully thinking of all the places he could fit the ring.

[logical question]

WHAT THE HELL IS FADING OUT? MY SANITY, PERHAPS? –is carted off to go join Halle Berry, Carrot Top, and the sock puppets-

[/logical question]

Part3

He is seen, now talking with moving lips looking at you (HI LOUIS! –waves- I mean…Ms. Goll-goll.),"It was that night that love was in full bloom for both her and I.. (Haha! Her period key broke before she could finish the ellipse! –punches Carrot Top in the stomach and retrieves slightly gooey cell phone- Now where the hell am I going to find a phone book around here? –looks at other “patients” and groans- 9-1-1, it is. –le sigh- Maybe they can point me in the direction of a Keyboard Protection Agency. It’s worth a try.) it (As in…what? Bill Clinton’s boner? I like that one. I’m going to insert it.) Bill Clinton’s boner got so strong I did the unthinkable." Then it Bill Clinton’s boner shows the girl laying upon the floor (EEEK! BEHOLD THE POWERFUL ORACLE-LIKE POWER OF BILL CLINTON’S BONER! Who needs crystal balls when you can gaze into its majesty? I mean come on, people. Why do you really think he was elected both terms?), her body changing into a vampier, he stands near here looking down at the swelling bulge in Bill Clinton’s pants. “EEEK! YOU MUST HAVE A BONER! AND…IT’S MAGICAL!” Louis Ms. Goll-goll cried with glee, gazing into it and soon realizing when Lestat’s next period would begin and he would have to be on guard. They are in the bedroom of a large suite, in this high class hotel’s storage closet. The room was lit by candelabras, (-gasp- They kidnapped Lumiere! Disney strikes again! DUN DUN DUN DUN! You know, they are the world’s largest distributor of porn. I think Mike Eisner pimped him out to be used in such a literary hemorrhoid. The sick bastard.) the bed was a dark green with gold rings sewn onto the fabric, compliments of hobbit sweatshop slave labor. The whole room mainly had gold and a marble floor with a red round rug in the middle which she lays upon. (But it was only mainly. The rest was made of hobbit toe fur. Yep, you guessed it…hobbit slave labor once again rears its ugly, unjust head.) She awoke, now an immortal, she quickly looks around with her new eyes (I smell the drying ink of a Grammar Marker…-sniffs-),"Now we shall be together forever" he said,"Yes,Louie Armstrong, forever...and you can play your trumpet of eternal sexiness for me while we bask in the glow of the hobbit barbecue, waiting for Legolas to return from knocking off all the drug dealers on the west side." It comes back to his face talking to you again, in monder (-guffaws- MONDER! I believe the English language has now adapted a new word. Monder: (adj) having correlation with words that have recently glided from the author’s oh so puckered rectal opening. Synonyms: See Michael Jackson and George W. Bush) time,"That was the year 1810 when I did so...But before that someone found out about us.." It Bill Clinton’s boner fades into the next part, throbbing with joy as a young male Cuban intern stumbles innocently into his office. “Can I have a job heeere, Meester former preseedent?” Elian Gonzales asked, fluttering his eyelashes.
“YES SIR,” Bill Clinton chimed, wiggling his eyebrows with anticipation. “Now, here’s your first task, young man. First, get on your knees…then…” Scene fades out.

Part4

Mad people of Paris walk to the hotel and up towards the stairs, (Oh conjunction…where art thou? I know…incinerated with the ashes of the verb from the beginning of the story…but not Frodo. The damn thing, despite all its mangy facial hair, refuses to burn. I blame Mike Eisner again.) they carry torches, spears, swords, anything that can be used as a weapon, spiked bracelets that the airlines continue to refuse to let Rachel bring on board, and Carrot Top…for good measure. Louis stands on the stairs stopping them in their tracks, (Yet more grammatical devices have been sent to the pyre! Oh woe is the English language!) he holds a sword and a lit tourch,"How dare you do this to my daughter!"shouted a man with long brown hair which was started to turn gray, worn down to his shoulders and raggy old clothing he wore. "I love the one you New England clam chowder (Is that the red or the white? Ack, sorry…Ace Ventura reference there.) to be your daughter, but I wouldn’t ever touch her!!!" Michael Jackson cried, “For god’s sake, she’s a GIRL!” One man runs up, trying to attack Louis, and he stabs him in the gut, the man falls down the stairs into the mob, a trail of blood left on the stairs from him.

[moment of extreme confusion]

WHAT JUST HAPPENED? WHO IS STABBED? AM I GOING MAD? –is tranquilized-

[/moment of extreme confusion]

"You must understand the meaning of love!" shouted Louis, a man in the mod shouts back,"A beast like you does not know love you only know how to kill!!" (GRAB YOUR TORCHES AND PITCHFORKS! –has some sudden recollection of a scene from Shrek-…-Smashmouth plays in background- Oh god. I really am going mad. –crawls up into fetal position- Anyways, the only one worthy of making fiction containing such clichés is M. Night Shyamalan.) The modular graph Rachel had to make in fifth grade and still has hanging on her wall in all its crappy glory screams in an upraise of agreement "I do know love!" shouted Louis back, the modular graph goes quite, still shocked that it could speak,"I do know hat McCulloch, I do know that he didn’t kill those babies, despite the fact he’s a convicted, confessed baby killer, I do know fear, and I do know that Hat should be freed! FREE HAT! FREE HAT! FREE HAT! (Wheehee. I’ve been watching too much South Park.)" he slowly steps down to the people, he rises his blood covered sword,"Blood shed has befallen us!" the people stair (-gasp- MORE STAIRING ACTION! There are enough of them here to bridge the gap between each story of the Empire State Building! WOOHOO! Take that, Saddam!) at him,"Let this blood shed (containing one extremely horny Merry) end...let there be peace among mortals and the immortals..." cried Nelson Mandela, Ghandi, Martin Luther King, Lisa Simpson, and Carrot Top (again for good measure). “And while you’re at it, you can free Tibet too! YEAH!”
“And Hat!” Ms. Goll-goll hastily added.

the crowd quite in awe of what he said (-sings the verb’s requiem- Poor dead words…-sniffles- I feel their pain…as does anyone else reading this monstrosity. I actually think my eyes are bleeding. –goes and looks in mirror- GODDAMN IT!),"Go home! Go to your lives! go in peace!" some leave but 4 men stay, they attack Louis, he swings his torch at them, stabs them with his sword, as he fought he slowly walked backwards up the stairs, they were killed somewhat later (Yay! It’s like…a Sailor Moon action sequence! That’s about how well it’s written. Or rather…unwell.)

[public service message]

Just remember, kiddies. In America, Sailor Moon is a kid’s show. In Japan, it’s a porno. Thank you.

[/public service message]

,"They put up a grateful fight (Grateful? They’re…grateful that Louis is supposedly tearing them limb-from-limb, all the while wearing hair ribbons and a blue mini skirt? –envisions all the vampires killing their victims, clad in sailor scout uniforms with the Sailor Moon theme song playing in the background- I’m going to have nightmares about this for a loooooong time. Gimme that Clozapine.)...but it Bill Clinton’s Boner was not good enough for that little whore, Elian’s gaping vagina. He preferred butt plugs, after all." He drops his sword upon the stairs blows out the torch and runs up stairs. It fades out to him looking to you again,"I would do anything in my will to keep her alive, safe, and keep our love strong" (-blinkblink- But isn’t she technically already dead? –confused- Her idiocy is baffling.) he sighs gently,"Many attacks happened after that night, but only a few men, 3 to 6 at most, my maker, Lestat, always trying to control me, tell me what to do with her, because he once had a mortal love, now she is immortal." (No…NO…NOOOOOOO! –falls down in pain- I know exactly whom this jumble of words is going to mention next. –gasps-)

[warning]

Unless you have an incredibly strong stomach, I’d advise that you do not proceed and read the rest of this. Your sanity will thank you.

[/warning]

Part 5

It shows 1988, Louis standing in a park, gazing at the moon, he hears laughing, turns around to see Lestat walking up to him laughing maddly,"You sound like your drunk on Bill Clinton’s doogie, Lestat! Has he been cheating on Elian again?" spoke Louis "Oh but I'm not,Louie!" "Then why are you laughing so much?" he walks to Louis, puts one hand on his back (WHO THE FUCK IS SPEAKING NOW? JEBUS CHRUST! –passes out- This is…emotional strain. I think I’m going to hell for just reading this. –shivers- I feel like I need a shower.) ,"Thinking about when your lover was a foolish mortal!, when I changed mine I did mine in a batter (Batter? As in cake batter? Well, if you’re planning on eating her, I’d advise against it. I mean, who really needs junk food anyway?) manner!" (WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! Isn’t this in 1988? Wasn’t that JUST when Clarissa was born? Doesn’t that make Lestat a cradle-robber and all? SOMEONE PLEASE SHOOT ME!)"While making love to her?" it all goes silent, Lestat's eyes narrowed and angry, then roll in a You are a fool to miss out on the glorious passion of Elian Gonzales’ heavenly rectum manner,"Louie, Louie,Louie Armstrong, will you play your trumpet of glorious sexiness for me? Come, let us roast that annoying Pippin thing and make sweet, magical love…like Siegfried and Roy did before Roy tried to assfuck that tiger and ended up in the hospital. what did I tell you?, not to fall in love with the night." Lestat disappears, leaving Louis alone, he walks down the park, and it slowly fades out watching him walk away. (What? Isn’t this…some random girl? She’s not the night…and how does what he have to say mean that? WHY AM I NOT EVEN SANE ENOUGH TO FINISH MY QUESTIONS? AND WHY ARE MY EYES BLEEDING SO PROFUSELY? Oh…of course.)

[supreme answer to all questions]

This fanfiction was written by a fingerless pile of donkey shit using a stone tablet and a testicle to scrawl out the horrifying drivel.

[/supreme answer to all questions]

Part 6

Louis looking at you yet again talking to you,"Her and I still love one another although we is sister and brother. But in Tennessee, this here is legal so it’s okay." it fades to show Marie writing upon a dark wooden table his voice is still heard,"Her and Clarissa, Lestat's lover, are the best of friends which I'm happy to see that. Sometimes they even assfuck random hobbits to prove to one another their affections. –insert sarcastic “awwwww”-" as she spoke it, Marie looks up smiles,Clarissa and her start talking and laughing with one another, readying their shemale cocks for the impending action."Clarissa was changed young, the same age as Marie, now enough about the past" It shows his face again,"Let us see the most resent (As in, I resent the fact I ever chose to read this fanfiction. And Carrot Top’s constant humping of that pay phone over there is beginning to rattle me. –twitch-)" then it cuts away to Lestat, Louis, Clarissa, and Marie in a room. Lestat standing, while everyone is sitting, he wears his old blue and gold coat with matching clothing (It’s like…The Partridge Family meets Sailor Moon and does acid.), and holding a wine glass half full of blood. His golden angel like hair worn back,"Ah, it feels good wearing this again, I'm happy I came up with this idea to force hobbits into slavery!" spoke Lestat,"Here, here!" shouted Clarissa in a cheer of agreement, as she spoke she raised her wine glass with blood in it also, blood of poor Samwise Gamgee who only wanted an ass full of Frodo. Was that really too much to ask?."Cheers!" said Lestat, everyone raised their glasses and took a sip of the blood. Everyone wearing their old clothing from the 1700s. (B-but…only two of them lived in the seventeen hundreds. How would they all have clothing from it? Wow…not only does this fanfiction defy the laws of grammar, but now time…and even PHYSICS! And you can too with the new Time and Physics Deleter 2000™, which can be yours for only thirty-seven simple payments of $19.95! Imagine, with your spelling and grammar completely atrocious already, you can go the extra step and make the actual content have no correlation to reality! Who cares if it’s logically/physically possible? We certainly don’t! And you don’t have to either with this fine product straight from the drawing board of Bill Gates himself! Order now!) Then it cuts out to Louis' face again and he screams as all his blood is drained from his withering body (which begins to look somewhat like shrink wrap) and the entire thing turns into one giant episode of Happy Tree Friends, complete with a homicidal orgy ,"This little"party (-cough- Acid. –cough-)" was taken place only a few weeks ago, this was only the 2nd time I saw Clarissa, but the first time I ever was able to see if I could fit the one ring in her asshole. Sure enough, I succeeded. Guess she really is just one big asshole… Lestat is very protective of her, most things she does is with Lestat, the party went on for 3 hours, it was rather short and boring" he sighs and rolls his eyes,"Every other thing had to deal with himself, most of the time I spoke to Marie and at times to Lestat and Clarissa" (SEE? Louis is starting to realize what literary quicksand he’s been trapped in and –exaggerated gasp- he’s already resenting his part in this shit. Told you so.) he thinks for a moment,"At times I wonder. where she came from, what part of the world, this Clarissa is from" (Ooh, I know! PICK ME! –raises hand-)

[most obvious answer ever]

HELL. Either that or Tennessee where the trailers roam free.

[/most obvious answer ever]

It cuts away to the party again his voice hear for a bit"The party ended in a odd manner because we all got herpes and then died…again." Lestat, sitting upon a leopard sofa, like the one from the QOTD movie (-shivers- How DARE she mention such a blasphemous piece of shit…one almost as bad as her fanfiction, in fact. But then again, her only Vampire Chronicles knowledge is probably extracted from solely that. –grimace-), he looks over to Clarissa and gives her a sexual look within his eyes. (-throws up her Choco Taco- I NEVER, EVER want to read that again. Talk about the horrors of self insertion. If that’s so, then me and Carrot Top are going to go break this shit up. Er…actually…he’s still too busy trying to make that collect call with his penis. I keep telling him it’ll never work…-shakes head- C’mon Halle. You come instead. –races off-) She looks back, givea a nod and stands, as she stood Lestat did also."I think it is time to end this little get together" spoke Lestat,"Because?" said Louis,"Personal reasons, Louie!" snapped Lestat, he then sighed and New England clam Chowdered himself down (and it was the white this time…)," Look, Louie, we have been together for 3 hours, I think you 2 should go home and get some rest." "Fine, Lestat, fine.." "It was nice chatting with you!" spoke Clarissa as she waved good-bye, Louis and Marie left hand in hand. Lestat gets closes to Clarissa, he starts kissing her neck, while Rachel and Halle burst into the room, pitchforks in hand…and torches. Those too. “GET HIM!” they cry, lunging onto them and beating the OOC Lestat poseur and the despie Clarissa into two satisfying bloody pulps. he stops, turns her around so they face one another, gazing into each other's eyes. It fades out...... And the scene fades out as the Verizon wireless guy walks by, happily shouting, “Can you hear me now? GOOD!” into a poor, abused cell phone condemned to constantly being pressed against his slimy, acne-covered ear.

Part 7

He looks and talks to you again,"I have old the most important parts of our love, we have spent many, many, years together as one, still are today, we have seen wars come and go, and much more changes in this world, like the decade that passed between Michael Jackson’s child molestation charges. What a lonely, barren decade that was." he smiles showing his fang gently, but he smiles in a loving way, groping the golden ring in his lap with a Gollum-esque grin,"Now you know love is the most powerful thing on the face of this planet, no matter the year, the time, love shall over rule all, this is my story..., the story of the love of a vampire…Naw, fuck the rest of what I just said. This is really just about my preciousssss. –pats ring- The despie kept side-tracking me. And so boys and girls, remember…always let your conscience be your guide. I’m Jiminy Cricket…thanks for watching. –hops off, umbrella in hand-" It fades out, showing San Fransancisco (Which is the planet adjacent to the planet Transsexual, in the galaxy of Transylvania.), fly above it, then it speeds up, goes though the forest, the cities, LA, then to the desert, where some random terrorists are practicing detonating turban bombs. It stops upon Lestat, standing upon a rock, smiling and laughing. It is night, Lestat wears modern clothing then all of a sudden it Bill Clinton’s boner all goes black and he and Elian Gonzales proceed to make interracial porn instead.

THE END

Next week on My Crappy Fanfiction and Me: Terrorists team up with the Verizon Wireless guy and head to the Empire State Building to kill all those innocent Americans…plus the old villagers who still serve as the stairs. In addition, Ms. Goll-goll finally gives in and does the Jack Black thing, attaching the ring to his genitalia…or rather lack thereof. See the new physics (and time) defying episode next week! (And you might want to bring eye drops too.)

Well, in conclusion…I can no longer type anything witty, because the layer of blood covering my eyes has grown too thick to see through. I need a shower. Or ten.