Bonjova

WARNING: This article contains bitterness. The paper is not held responsible for the views of the writer of Cover Story. We apologize to anyone who enjoys being single. Please don’t sue us!

Cover Story (By: Jo)

I’m here to report the most amazing invention in the world! Well it would be amazing if someone would discover it. Want to know what it is? *cricket* of coarse you do! It would be like a boyfriend customization shop or boyfriend in a box. Well you may not think that’s amazing, but I do.

Being single what can I say? Perhaps you know someone who has this is terrible condition, it’s an awful thing really. Those poor people try really hard to show that their happy, and perfectly content, but deep down they’re writhing in their own personal hell. You say I speak as if I know from personal experience? Well I make no comment to that response, it’s not like I’m single or single anything … A distinguished, sophisticated, writer as myself can’t be single … right? WRONG! I’m single and I’m not going to hide my agony, I hate it!

This is cover story person saying:

Being single SUCKS! 
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Breaking news! (By: Keshia)
The inevitable has happened, we knew it was coming but we all tried to deny it. This report has just confirmed our fears, that we as a human race are no longer able to function. What is the cause of our inability to survive? We are. We insist on being the best, on pushing ourselves beyond our abilities. This, my readers, is the cause of our undoing. Take for example, a small high school located in Oregon City. The students there are in the midst of their finals. Why are they having so much trouble? Adults of course, Kids would play, have laugh, hang out, you know, all that horrible forbidden stuff like having fun. Well not if adults have their way, we kids will be forever doomed to studying, especially if we want a good grade. How do they expect us to learn all of this? They don't, for some reason as of yet not understood they want us to suffer. If you ask me it's not only unnecessary but also demeaning to demand us to work on assignments they barely understand themselves. In the end we are overtaxing ourselves so much that our bodies are shutting down. You've seen them collapsing in the halls, students are just shutting down, they stop functioning. I saw one girl developing rust all along her shoulders, this could be the result of carrying twenty some pounds on her back every day. I'm not lying. This is serious. We could easily be next, I think it will be Gina, she already stays up till way past the witching hour working on these impossible assignments. We have only ourselves to blame... ourselves.,. and adults. They think they remember high school, well their high school years were probably like our junior high years. If everybody keeps making new discoveries we have to learn about them. When two construction workers and an architect can't help you with your geometry homework you know they're just out to get you. My theory is this is a plan by the GI's to take out the new generation. Not government issues, generation illiminators. I don't care if illiminator is spelled with an 'e'! They're out to get us! What else could it be? Finals are picking us off one by one, they're have been mental breakdowns and people locked in the teacher's lounge! Can you imagine what those poor people must have gone through? It smells like teachers in there! I can't stress the importance of this enough. Don't overdue it. School will kill you. Or at least make you cry. At the least. You need to be aware of the danger. Look around, where is Carol? She's behind the staircase in the D wing collecting dust! Where is Billy? He collapsed on his way home thinking off all the homework he had. He makes a very lovely scarecrow. Don't worry too much though, experiments are underway to ensure these students and others return too normal. I think the orange juice method is making progress, though it's very messy. Well I've got to go, I've got very important investigating to do on the. big new. case. it's big. Why are you staring at me? I really do have to go. I'm not just trying to leave, I've got that. thing with that. one person. now. Got to go! Don't fall victim to finals!
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Gina's page fillers:

The writer of Gina’s Page Fillers is regretfully too busy to write for the paper this week, due to having to chase around her mother trying to get her to relax on Mother’s Day. (Because her mother is just as crazy as she is). I SAID PUT DOWN THE CLOROX AND RELAX!!

I don’t understand guys! *crickets, (everyone already knew that)* Yes I’ll admit it! I don’t understand guys! So everyone knows what I do when I don’t understand something right? *more crickets* your enthusiasm amazes me. Anyway when I don’t understand something I go … UNDERCOVER! I’m going to go undercover in our school as a guy for a few days and see what happens. So join me on my quest to better understand the male gender.

Monday:

Day 1 of operation “Man I Am”. I have perfected my disguise. It includes:

1 pair of pants that don’t fit (no belt of course)

1 pair of boxers (with smiley faces! YAY!)

1 t-shirt (profane writing included)

1 pair of sweaty socks (ewwwww)

Shoes (guys wear shoes too I am told)

5 o’clock shadow (because I’m cool like that)

Messy hair (apparently guys don’t like combs)

Axe (IT DOESN’T SMELL GOOD! IT WON’T GET YOU ACTION! GET OVER IT!)

With this disguise I am ready for anything! Bring it on!

Later that night:

*nursing black eye and bloody lip* Note to self … next time you go out dressed as a guy … remember not to comment on how nice another guy’s butt is. Oww.

Tuesday:

Day 2 of operation “Cars and Chicks”. Alright after yesterdays little “mishap” I once again feel confident in my abilities to pull this off. I even remembered to take off the nail polish today! So once again I start out on my quest to better understand the male mind.

Today activities:

7:00 am: Arrive at the school

7:00 am - 7:55 am: hang out with “the guys”

Main topic of conversation: Sarah’s boobs, Cars, Sarah’s butt, peeing upright, and philosophy.

9:03 am - 9:13 am: Break, hang out with “the guys”

Watched as they hit eachother “where the sun don’t shine” trying to see who would start crying first. (?)

10:29 am to 10:59 am: eat lunch … and hang out with “the guys”

“The guys” convinced me that climbing up the flagpole would “make that hot chick over there give me her number”. They proceeded in calling me a “pansy” when I refused. For the sake of the experiment I agreed. I get half way up before falling and breaking my left leg. Left school to go to the hospital. “Hot chick” did not give me her number.

Wednesday

Day 3 of operation “Genitals”. Alright! Minor set back (in a wheelchair). I can do this! No problem! No problem what so ever! Totally under control!

After school:

3:00 pm: Hang out with “the guys” in the park

Main topic of conversation: Kathy’s boobs, Cars, Kathy’s butt, and peeing upright, and philosophy.

3:10 pm:

“The guys” wonder how much “air” my wheel chair can get when rolled down a huge hill and flown off of a dirt ramp that they have created themselves.

3:10:10 seconds:

I tried to run

3:10:20 seconds:

They caught me (stupid cast!)

3:20 pm:

I am hurtling down the very large hill heading straight for the ramp.

3:20:10 seconds:

I hit the ramp

3:20:10 - 3:20:20:

I am getting some serious air

3:20:20 seconds:

I hit the ground

Later that night: (in the hospital)

I’M DONE! I’M DONE! This is your reporter saying I quit! This has caused nothing but pain! I don’t understand guys anymore then when I began! In fact I’m even more confused then ever! How are any of you still alive! I’m done! I’m done! *is handed a piece of paper* Now what?! *reads the paper*… Dude! I totally got that hot chick’s number!