A man decided to take a friend hunting. The man had never hunted before. When they saw a deer the man told his friend 'don't make a sound' and went off to get the deer. A short while later as the man was taking aim he heard a scream and the deer ran away. The man ran back to his friend. 'I thought I told u not to make a sound' The friend said 'I didn't when the snake bit me, or when the bear mauled me but when I heard the squirrels in my pants saying "Should we eat in or take-away?" I screamed. 

An art collecter was walking down the street when he noticed a scruffy cat in a dirty shop window drinking out of a bowl. He looked at the bowl and realised that it was a priceless piece of famous pottery. He man walked into the shop and said to the owner 'I ll pay you $20 for that cat'  'OK' said the owner 'I'm sure that for such a generous price you wouldn't mind throwing in that bowl that it's drinking out of added the man'  'Nothing doing' said the man  'I've sold 27 cats this week because of that bowl'  

A little boy was really excited because he was going to get a baby brother. Every day he would tell his teacher about him. One day, the boy's mother let him feel the baby moving in her. After that he didn't talk about his baby brother any more. A week later his teacher asked him what happened to his baby brother. He bust into tears and sobbed 'I think Mummy ate it!'

A lawyer was going to die. He went to the undertaker and asked that on his gravestone they write Here lies an honest lawyer named Strange the under taker complained the message was too long. He said it shoul read Here lies an honest lawyer. Strange said 'But no one would Know who it was talking about' 'Yes they would' said the undertaker 'People would read it and say "that's strange!"

Q: What do you call 100 lawyers chained together at the bootom of the sea?

A: A bloody good start!

A lawyer was going to die and he wanted to take his money with him. He put it all in three garbage bays and put the bags in the attic. After he died the cleaner was clearing the attic when she found the money. "stupid man" she said "I knew he should have put it in th cellar"