Pedophilia

ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS FANFICTION--EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE--ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CELEBRITY VOICES ARE IMPERSONATED.....POORLY. THE FOLLOWING FANFIC CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT IT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE

(Opening Credits)

(Open to a house, the front lawn. A crowd of people have gathered in the streets, watching a middle-aged man being hauled away by the police into a squad car.)

Middle-Aged Man: This is all a big mistake, I'm telling you guys, I didn't do anything!

Cop #1: You've been read your rights, sir, I suggest you use those rights.

Middle-Aged Man: But listen to me, I didn't have sexual relations with a child, any child. I'm an upstanding member of the community, I know what's right and what's wrong, and I'd never do anything to contradict the law!

Cop #2: Don't give us that crap, Mr. Jacobs. We've received individual testimonies from three different children in this town, expressing that you tricked them into performing illicit sex acts that would offend even the most liberal minded of people, and extensive checks performed on your computer's hard drive revealed hundreds of downloaded images of children being molested, that's child pornography, Mr. Jacobs, there's no harder evidence that you're a sick bastard pedophile than finding traces of child pornography downloaded onto your computer's hard drive, you sick bastard.

Middle-Aged Man: What?! But I didn't download anything like that, I wouldn't dare!

Cop #2: To hell with that "I'm innocent, I didn't do it" shit. We have proof, Mr. Jacobs, proof that you're a disgrace to the true upstanding and decent people of humanity. Now, quit tryin' to pull one over on us.

Middle-Aged Man: Come on, I'm telling the truth, and I emphasize highly on the word "truth" here!

Cop #1: Get in the car, perv!

(Cut to City Hall. A crowd of people have gathered in front of the building, rabbling in front of the Mayor.)

Townspeople: Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!

Mayor: (to Aide #1) Oh, boy, I think I know what this is all about...

Mrs. Broflovski: Mayor, as you can probably tell, the majority of us here today are extremely pissed.

Mayor: (sarcastically) Really, Ms. Broflovski? I'd never have guessed.

Mrs. Broflovski: No doubt you, too, heard about that incident involving that disgusting pervert, Stephen Jacobs, how he used Internet chat rooms to trick unsuspecting children into meeting up with him, then proceeding to unleash his sick sexual fantasies upon their fragile virgin bodies. Well, as parents ourselves, we're simply not prepared to put up with this bullshit any longer. Yes, you heard me. I used the S-word, that's how strongly I feel about this.

Mrs. Marsh: Well I, for one, am very concerned about this as well, I mean, if this sort of thing is going to happen in our wholesome town, then, well, drastic action must be taken to ensure that our children don't fall under the mercy of these mentally deranged assholes.

Mr. Marsh: Yeah, honestly, I can't understand it either. I mean, who the hell would want to have sex with a kid anyway? Kids aren't even vaguely attractive.

Mrs. Marsh: Hmm, I, uh, I think you're missing the point somewhat, Randy.

Mr. Marsh: I am?

Mrs. Marsh: Yes. We're not upset because these people have a difference in sexual preference. Everybody's entitled to be sexually attracted to who they want to be attracted to, whether it's a homosexual attraction or an attraction to animals or inanimate objects, such as carrots or vibrating furniture. No. What we're all angry with is that a small minority of people do in fact want to have sexual relations with our kids, and, well, that's just plain wrong.

Mr. Marsh: Yeah, well, of course that's wrong, I didn't say it wasn't wrong, did I? I just said that I, personally, don't see how anyone could be attracted to a four-year-old. Now, five and up, that's totally different...

(The townspeople gasp, horrified. Mr. Marsh chuckles for a short while, thought it's clear no one is amused.)

Mr. Marsh: I'm... I'm kidding. What? (frowning) Ah, c'mon, everybody, if you can't laugh at tragedies like this from time to time, what the hell can you laugh at?

Mrs. Broflovski: Anything. Anything, that is, except child molestation. You cannot take a subject as taboo as that and poke light-hearted fun at it. I mean, what kind of warped human being would do that?!

Craig's Father: We're at our wits end here, Mayor. Somebody has to do something about the welfare and safety of our beloved kids.

Ms. Cartman: Yes, and those dirty perverts who want to rape them too!

Townspeople: Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!

Mayor: Alright, everyone, that's enough rabbling for today. I think I get the gist of what you're saying now.

Mrs. Broflovski: So what do you intend to do about the situation?

Mayor: Give me a chance here, lady, I've got other problems to take care of, too, you know!

Mrs. Broflovski: What, what, what?? What the hell kind of problem could be bigger than this one?!

Mayor: Well, for a start, there's the litter issue that you were complaining about last week...

Mrs. Broflovski: Our children are far more important than a pile of garbage!

Mr. Stotch: Oh, wait, hold your horses, the garbage is becoming a real problem in town, all that trash must be attracting a lot of vermin. Rats spread a lot of nasty diseases and that affects us all, not just kids, but us adults too.

Mr. Valmer: Oh, yeah, Stephen has a point.

Mr. Williams: Yes, I don't want my family being infected with rodent's diseases.

Mr. McCormick: Me neither.

Mrs. Broflovski: For the love of Abraham, I can't believe I'm hearing this. Is the trash problem really bigger than the issue regarding our kids??

Craig's Father: Yes, it is. Think about it, if our son gets abducted and raped by a pervert, admittedly, that's pretty off the chart, but it only really affects his state of well being and emotional health, but if we catch fleas or the plague or whatever from a bunch of rats, then, Jesus, that affects us all. Would you rather your son gets raped and scarred for life or a town full of people dead from the plague?

Mrs. Broflovski: But that's absurd!

Craig's Father: Is it? It happened in London in 1665, it could happen here too!

Mrs. Broflovski: Am I the only one still thinking straight here?!

Mayor: Well, you can't have it both ways, people. What'll it be? Do you want me to see to the children being molested issue or the rats infesting the city issue?

Mrs. Broflovski: Well, the children being molested issue, obviously!

Mrs. Marsh: Not so fast, Sheila. Everyone here today has made a perfectly valid point. I say the vermin infestation is the bigger issue here, once we take care of that problem, we'll be able to tackle the issue of children being molested without having to worry about catching anything icky.

Mrs. Broflovski: Oy!

Mrs. Marsh: Mayor, we'd like the vermin issue to be dealt with first.

Mayor: Roger, I'll get right onto it. (walks off)

Mrs. Broflovski: Why must I be surrounded by a town full of idiots?

(Cut to Kyle's house, the living room. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny are sitting on the couch, watching TV.)

Tom: (on TV) ...and so, after being pushed by a group of protesters, the Mayor has finally got off her ass and cleaned up the streets of South Park. No longer will its citizens have to live in fear of an infestation of rats, and everything can return to normal. Except, of course, that's not going to happen, since the Mayor's now been pushed to look into a new problem that's almost as bad as the prospect of catching the plague - child molestaton. Recently, a worrying number of South Park citizens have been arrested for child molestation and downloading explicit child pornography from the Internet. This naturally means that the abuse of children is becoming greater and greater, and a new study shows that for every one town in the US, there's at least seven pedophiles living there. That's seven, folks. That means that if at least seven people in your town haven't been arrested for having sex with children, you should be worried. Really, really worried. But it's okay, because in South Park, at least, that problem is slowly but surely being taken of, with police making routine checks of every single home computer in town, to reassure its citizens that nothing untoward is going on.

Stan: Goddammit! Why is the world becoming such a gay place to live?

Cartman: Yeah, I can't believe there are assholes out there who use the Internet to look at stuff like that.

Kyle: Oh, that reminds me, I've gotta check my inbox. (gets up)

Cartman: Your what?

Kyle: Dude, my e-mail. My girlfriend, Jodie, has gone to her grandparent's in Michigan for two weeks, and we've been writing to each other every day. I haven't checked to see if anything's come in today yet.

Cartman: Oh, that is sooo sweet, Kyle, that's delightful, isn't that heart-warming, you guys?

Kyle: Fuck you, Cartman! (walks off)

Cartman: (to Stan) Dude, Kyle's a total pussy now.

(Cut to the study. Kyle is using his dad's computer to check his inbox. He opens a recently posted e-mail from Jodie, the fankid from Nude Kids on the Block. He begins reading it, then it blurs into Jodie's voice.)

Kyle: (reading) "Hey Kyle, How're you doing? I'm doing...

Jodie: (VO) ...good, but Grandma and Grandpa are treating me like a little kid as usual. They "surprised" me with a gift yesterday, I swear, they still think I like playing with dolls. But it's not that bad, since I get to see a lot of my old friends whenever my grandparents aren't pincing my cheeks and saying how cute I look. I'm missing you like hell though, and I can't wait to come back to South Park and see you, just ten days until we can be together again. I can't wait to go to the movies with you, it's gonna be awesome. Oh well, that's all, I guess, thanks for keeping in touch with me too, I don't know how I'd get through the evenings here without having your e-mails to read. I'm already looking forward to reading today's one, whatever you have to say in it. Oh, but before I go, I sent you a few pictures of me, so you can see first hand exactly how I'm doing. Talk to you later. Love, Jodie. XXX.

Kyle: Pictures...?

(He scrolls down the page, looking at numerous pictures of Jodie, including: Jodie playing in her grandparent's backyard, being squirted with a hose. Jodie waving her arms around like an airplane, smiling. Jodie facing away from the camera with her butt in full view, turning her head slightly and pouting her lips. Jodie and her twin brother, Peter, frolicing in the mud. Jodie, Peter and Samantha posing, with Samantha pulling Jodie's hair and Jodie frowning. Jodie lying on the grass on her stomach with her hands under her chin and her legs in the air. Note: Remember that Jodie and her family are nudists, that means they walk around naked all the time for anyone confused.)

Kyle: Wow, awesome! I have to save these images, dude!

(He proceeds to do just that. He also prints out a few copies and smiles as he looks at them. He walks off, leaving the computer switched on. The camera performs a close-up on the pictures of Jodie, as menacing music plays.)

(Cut to the front lawn, possibly that same day. A crowd of people have gathered in the streets, watching Mr. Broflovski being hauled away by the police into a squad car. Mrs. Broflovski, Kyle and Ike are standing by the doorstep, horrified.)

Mr. Broflovski: Take your hands off me, this is insane! I didn't download anything like that! What kind of man do you think I am?!

Cop #1: A sick one, sir! A sick, perverted one!

Mrs. Broflovski: (weeping) Oh, Gerald!

Ike: Daddy!

Kyle: (trailing behind, tugging at Cop #2's leg) Dude, I keep telling you, my dad didn't download those pictures - I did! He's innocent, he didn't know anything about them!

Cop #2: Look, kid, we appreciate that you want to stand by your father and think the best of him. I know that at your age he may seem like the greatest person in the world, and that he wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone a hair on your head, but this man is a pedophile. We have the evidence to prove it, and he's going to get his just desserts.

Mr. Broflovski: But my son's right, I haven't done anything wrong! That girl in the picture, it's his girlfriend!

Cop #2: (stifles a laugh) His girlfriend? Yeah, right, and I'm Chevy Chase.

Kyle: Look, Mr. Chase, it's true. That girl in the picture is my girlfriend, that's Jodie Winters. You can contact her, if you want proof, she's staying with her grandparents in Michigan.

Cop #2: If that's your "girlfriend", how come she's parading around in the nude like a porn star?

Kyle: Dude, there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for that. Jodie's a nudist, that's why she isn't wearing any clothes.

Cop #2: A nudist? Yeah, right, and I'm Frank Sinatra.

Kyle: I thought you were Chevy Chase.

Mr. Broflovski: Listen to my son, officer, he's speaking the truth!

Cop #2: If he's speaking the truth, then I'm that guy from Queen. Christ, what the hell was his name?

Mr. Broflovski: Freddy Mercury? Brian May?

Cop #2: Brian May, that's the one!

Mr. Broflovski: Please, you have to believe me! I'm a lawyer, for God's sake!

Cop #2: A lawyer? That says it all. They're the biggest liars of them all.

Mr. Broflovski: Liars?? But...!

Cop #1: Get in the car, perv!

Mr. Broflovski: But I...!

Cop #1: (pulls a gun to Mr. Broflovski's head) Get in the damn car!!

(Mr. Broflovski reluctantly gets into the back seat of the squad car with Cop #1. Cop #2 gets into the driver's seat.)

Kyle: Don't worry, Dad, I'll make them see sense. I won't let you go to jail for something I did.

Mrs. Broflovski: Hang tight, Gerald. We'll talk to the chief of police and clear this up as fast as we can, you just be strong.

(The squad car drives off.)

Mrs. Broflovski: Kyle, watch your brother. I'll go get my coat.

(Mrs. Broflovski heads into the house, as the crowd outside begins to disperse. Stan, Cartman and Kenny approach.)

Stan: Dude, we saw from across the street. What the hell happened here? Why'd the cops arrest your dad?

Kyle: (teary-eyed) It's awful, Stan. The police were doing their routine search on my dad's computer, and they found the pictures of Jodie I downloaded. They think my dad's a perverted child molester.

Cartman: Your dad's a child molester? Jesus Christ!

Kyle: I said they "think" my dad's a child molester! He didn't know anything about those pictures!

Stan: Dude, auh... are you gonna be okay?

Kyle: No, Stan, no, I don't think I am. (starts to cry)

Ike: Poopie! (starts to cry)

Mrs. Broflovski: (returning) Kyle, Ike, that's enough! Pull yourselves together. Your father's innocent.

Kyle: (drying his tears) We know that, Mom, but what if the police don't believe us? Dad'll be taken away forever! (cries)

Mrs. Broflovski: You're both being way too dramatic. Your father's not going anywhere, we'll sort this mess out. C'mon.

(Mrs. Broflovski, Kyle and Ike get into the car. Kyle and Ike are unable to stop sobbing. The car drives off, but not before Mrs. Broflovski has a quick word with the boys through the window.)

Mrs. Broflovski: Now, boys, I'd appreciate it if you didn't start spreading this around to your friends. This has all been a huge misunderstanding, and once we talk to the police they'll see that Kyle's dad could never have done such a terrible thing, and he'll be released with a full apology, so... well, just keep what you've seen today to yourselves, alright.

Cartman: Dude, how can we keep it to ourselves? Half the town witnessed what went on here.

Stan: What she means is that we shouldn't be the ones talking about this, dude, especially to those other guys, because you know what assholes they can be. It's up to us to stand by Kyle and his family during this difficult time.

Cartman: I don't know, you're asking a lot of me, Stan. I'm not sure I can stand by a dirty pervert.

Stan: Dude, you heard what Kyle said, his dad isn't a pervert.

Cartman: Oh, really? You know that for sure, do you?

Stan: Dude, I trust Kyle. He wouldn't lie. If he says those pictures were of Jodie, and his dad didn't download anything gross, then I believe him.

Cartman: Stan, let me ask you this, how well do you really know Kyle?

Stan: We've been best friends all our lives, so I think I know him a hell of a lot better than you.

Cartman: Okay, I see, that's acceptable, I guess, but... how well do you really know Kyle's dad?

Stan: Well, not as well as Kyle, but-

Cartman: But nothing. If you don't know him all that well, how can you be so sure that he isn't a pedophile?

Stan: Well, Kyle said that he isn't.

Cartman: Well of course Kyle said that he isn't, it's because Kyle's a Jew and Jews stick together through thick and thin, no matter what. Jews stick by each other, and, well, and they lie for each other.

Stan: ...shut the hell up, Cartman. Kyle wouldn't do that. If he had any idea that his dad was like that, he wouldn't stand by and let him get away with it.

Cartman: Oh, please, of course he would.

Stan: Why?

Cartman: 'Cause he's a Jew!!!

Stan: Dude, fuck you.

Cartman: Alright, alright, forget about Kyle being a Jew for a second. Let's talk... about family.

Stan: (rolls his eyes) Oh, brother!

Cartman: You love YOUR family, don't you, Stan?

Stan: Well of course I do, I'm not a heartless bastard like you are.

Cartman: Well, say, for example, your mom or dad was being accused of something, what would you do?

Stan: I'd stand by them, of course.

Cartman: But what if the thing they were being accused of was true? What if they had committed a crime, would you still stand by them then?

Stan: ...uh.

Cartman: Answer truthfully, Stan!

Stan: (frowning) Why?! I'm not in friggin' court!

Cartman: Just answer truthfully!!!

Stan: Alright, fine, yes, yes, I would.

Cartman: You would what?

Stan: I'd stand by them, even if they did do the crime! I'd lie for them to keep them safe, any loving family member would do the same!

Cartman: ...so, if you'd lie for your parents if they were accused of a crime, what makes you think Kyle wouldn't do the same?

Stan: Yeah, but, but this is different, fat ass, it's... it's...

Cartman: It's not so different, is it?

Stan: ...no, I guess not.

Cartman: So, I'll ask you again, how can you be sure, really sure, that Kyle's dad... isn't a pedophile?

Stan: I... I can't be sure.

Cartman: You can't be sure. No one can really be sure, Stan. We just have to go on what we know, and we know this: Kyle's dad has been arrested for downloading child pornography. The police obviously think they have reason to arrest him, or why else would they do it? Now, I don't wanna put Kyle's dad up on the cross and crucify him without at least hearing the full story, but I think what we've witnessed today speaks for itself. I put it to you that Kyle's dad is a pedophile, and that Kyle's willing to lie to the United States because he doesn't want to have his dad taken away from him, exactly how you wouldn't want your dad taken from you. It doesn't take a genius, Stan, does it?

Stan: But... how can we ever be friends with Kyle anymore if... if his dad's... a... a... oh, God, I can't even bring myself to say it.

Cartman: Well, we can't, can we? We can't be friends with the son of a pedophile. How could we ever be sure that he wouldn't try something with us at any time? "Yeah, you can have a sleepover at Kyle's tonight, boys, oh, but I forgot to mention that I'm gonna come into your room in the middle of the night and have sex with you." The mental image is not a pretty one, is it, you guys?

Stan: Dude, I... I can't be here right now. I need some time alone, I have to think about this. I'll see you guys later. (walks off)

Cartman: (sighs) Jews, Kenny. They're all the same. They're all the same.

(Cut to the South Park Police Department, a room. Mr. Broflovski is sitting at a table, being interrogated by a gruff-looking policeman.)

Cop #3: So, Mr. Broflovski, how long have you been... living this secret filthy lifestyle?

Mr. Broflovski: What lifestyle?

Cop #3: Don't play dumb with me, you know exactly what I'm jabberin' about. How long have you been downloading child pornography and molesting children??

Mr. Broflovski: (tired) For the last time, I have never, past or present, ever downloaded anything obscene from the Internet or touched a child in that way. I'm a good, decent, respectable man. I wouldn't dream of treating a kid in such a distasteful way.

Cop #3: Then how do you explain this?

(He presents a picture of Peter and Jodie Winters, frolicing in the mud.)

Mr. Broflovski: I've never seen that picture before in my life!

Cop #3: Then what was it doing in your house?!

Mr. Broflovski: (tired) I've already explained that. Now listen very carefully. (slowly) That girl is my son's girlfriend.

Cop #3: You keep saying that, but d'you know what? It doesn't add up, Mr. Broflovski. It doesn't make sense.

Mr. Broflovski: Why doesn't it make sense?? Why is it so hard to believe that I'm telling the truth here??

Cop #3: Alright, I'll humor you. Assuming this girl is your son's girlfriend-

Mr. Broflovski: Assuming nothing, she is!!!

Cop #3: -it doesn't explain this one.

(He presents a picture of Ike, bathing.)

Cop #3: Your thoughts, Mr. Broflovski?

Mr. Broflovski: (tired) That... is my youngest son, Ike.

Cop #3: Yes, we know.

Mr. Broflovski: If you knew, why did you bother asking me?! Do you have to waste my time with these pointless questions?!

Cop #3: Mr. Broflovski, I suggest you calm down.

Mr. Broflovski: Calm down? Calm down?! (standing up) You drag me in here, accusing me of all sorts of disgusting things, and you ask me to calm down?!

Cop #3: If you do not restrain that temper of yours, I'm going to have to suspend this interview until further notice!

Mr. Broflovski: (sitting down) Alright, alright, I'm calm. I'm cool, I'm relaxed.

Cop #3: Now, this little boy in the picture, Ike, wasn't it?

Mr. Broflovski: That's Ike, yes. My youngest son, he's Canadian, my wife and I adopted him.

Cop #3: Fair enough, but... why take a naked picture of him? What was the purpose of that?

Mr. Broflovski: I don't know, wuh... we take pictures of our kids. Everybody does. What's so strange about that?

Cop #3: Nothing, nothing at all. Like you said, everyone does that. But what's so strange about this particular picture, is that the child in question is naked.

Mr. Broflovski: Yes, he's taking a bath. I took a picture of my child in the bath.

Cop #3: But why?

Mr. Broflovski: I don't know, because it was cute!!! Why else would I?!

Cop #3: You tell me!

Mr. Broflovski: What are you insinuating here??

Cop #3: I just think it's pretty weird to want to take a picture of your child, bathing.

Mr. Broflovski: Okay, okay, maybe it is, I don't know, but it still doesn't prove that I'm a child molesting pervert.

Cop #3: It doesn't not prove you're a child molesting pervert, either.

Mr. Broflovski: I don't know. Look, I'm getting pretty damn tired of this nonsense. Just do what you have to do and get on with it. I want to get back home to my wife and kids.

Cop #3: Oh, I bet you do, you sick asshole.

Mr. Broflovski: What??

Cop #3: You're not going anywhere, Mr. Broflovski. Do you think we'd let a psycho like you back onto the streets with all those vulnerable children around? You're going to be locked up until the court hearing, where the only molesting going on will be the molesting of you by your fellow inmates. Yeah, let's see how you like being taken advantage of and robbed of your self-respect.

Mr. Broflovski: You can't lock me up like that! I have rights, dammit!

Cop #3: Those children you molested, they had rights, too, but did you take the time to think about their rights? No.

Mr. Broflovski: Listen, jackass, I did not molest any children! God, I'm getting so sick of protesting my innocence here!

Cop #3: You're getting sick of it? We're getting sick of hearing it! Take him away, boys!

(Two policemen walk in and haul Mr. Broflovski up and out of the room.)

Mr. Broflovski: No!

(Cut to the front desk. Mrs. Broflovski, Kyle and Ike are standing there, talking to a policeman.)

Mrs. Broflovski: His name is Gerald Broflovski, you brought him in a little while ago.

Cop #4: I'm sorry, ma'am, but the man in question is being interrogated at the moment. I'm afraid I can't let you see him until the inquiry is over.

Mrs. Broflovski: But I'm his wife!

Cop #4: It's the law, ma'am, sorry.

Mrs. Broflovski: Dammit!

(Mr. Broflovski is dragged through the corridors, protesting all the while. Kyle turns towards him.)

Kyle: Dad!

Mrs. Broflovski: Gerald!

Mr. Broflovski: Unhand me! I'm not a pedophile! I'm not!

Cop #3: Of course you're not. (laughs) They're gonna cook you for breakfast in there.

Mr. Broflovski: Sheila, help me!

(The policemen drag Mr. Broflovski off, kicking and screaming. Kyle and Ike watch, concerned. Mrs. Broflovski turns to Cop #3.)

Mrs. Broflovski: Where are you taking my husband??

Cop #3: Where the hell do you think?

Mrs. Broflovski: Well, I'm guessing not on vacation in Hawaii...

Cop #3: Your husband's being taken down to the cells, which is exactly where the sick pervert belongs.

Kyle: (frowning) Hey!

Mrs. Broflovski: But didn't my husband explain, the girl in those pictures-

Cop #3: Was your son's girlfriend, yeah, yeah. Frankly, we're getting a little tired of that lie.

Kyle: It's not a lie, dumbass, it really is my girlfriend! Why don't you get off your asses and try contacting her for proof?!

Cop #3: Pfft! Yeah, right, you know, if this girl really is your girlfriend, why don't you? If you're so desperate to see your dad proven innocent, why don't you call this girl, get her to come down here, and let us see for ourselves that she is who you say she is?

Kyle: I would, but I don't have her grandparent's address or phone number. The only way I'd be able to contact her is through e-mail, but you assholes confiscated my dad's computer, so I can't even do that now. Anyway, you guys are the police, why can't you just take my word for it and call her?

Cop #3: Because we have enough to deal with with tracking all these perverts in town. We haven't got time to go off on any wild goose chase, looking for someone that may not even be who you say she is. Tell you what, kid, you contact this girl for us, get her to confirm everything you've told us, and then we'll see what we can do. Until then, your father's not going anywhere. (walks off)

(Cut to Kyle's house, the dinning room, that night. Mrs. Broflovski, Kyle and Ike are sitting at the table, eating. Kyle and Ike are depressed, picking at their food.)

Mrs. Broflovski: Come on, kids, don't be sad. Luh... Let's try to turn those frowns upside down, hmm?

Kyle: How, Mom? How can we make pretend like everything's okay when Dad's rotting away in jail for something he didn't even do? How can we do that, huh?

Mrs. Broflovski: I know it's hard, Kyle, I do, but you have to try. Your dad needs us to be strong if we're ever gonna get justice for him.

Kyle: And how're we going to do that? Dad's going to court in a few days and our only proof that he's innocent is miles and miles away and we have no way of reaching her.

Mrs. Broflovski: That's not true. You have Jodie's e-mail address, don't you?

Kyle: Yeah, but they took Dad's computer.

Mrs. Broflovski: Well, I'm sure one of your little friends has a computer. Why don't you e-mail Jodie using one of theirs?

Kyle: Dude, the only one of my friends who has a computer is Cartman and... oh my God, Cartman!

(Cut to Cartman's house, the front lawn. Kyle is standing on the doorstep, talking to Cartman.)

Kyle: ...and so I was wondering if I could use your computer to contact Jodie? Please?

Cartman: No.

Kyle: What?! But it'll only take, like, five seconds!

Cartman: I said no, Kyle. What part of the word "no" don't you understand?

Kyle: Dude, don't be an asshole. C'mon, it's for my dad.

Cartman: And that's precisely why I don't want you using it.

Kyle: What do you mean??

Cartman: I just... you know, I just don't wanna be left to live with the guilt, knowing that I did my part to help get a child molester back into the community.

Kyle: (frowning) Dude, my dad is NOT a child molester!

Cartman: (puts his arm around Kyle) Kyle, listen, listen, I understand, dude, I really do. You love your dad, I know that, and I know you're just doing your best to protect him, but, Kyle, listen to me, you... you have to think of the rest of us, man. You can't be selfish and want your dad released just because it'd make you feel better, when it'd make the rest of us feel a whole lot worse. You know what I'm saying?

Kyle: (reserved) I know what you're saying is a load of bullshit.

Cartman: (releasing his arm, stepping back) Well, I can't blame you for being protective of your loved ones, but me, I have the responsibility to look out for the people that I care about.

Kyle: You don't care about anybody, Cartman. The only person you care about is yourself.

Cartman: That's exactly what I'm saying, I want your dad to stay locked up because I don't want him to do anything to hurt me. (Kyle blinks) What, I'm a people, aren't I?

Kyle: I sometimes wonder, since all the people I know have something called a "conscience".

Cartman: Well, I'm sorry I can't help you, Kyle. But hey, maybe in time you'll come to realize that me not helping you and your dad was actually for the best. Good night.

Kyle: Wait, wait, okay, I get it. How much?

Cartman: Excuse me?

Kyle: I'm willing to pay, Cartman, to use your computer. How much do you want? Five? Ten dollars?

Cartman: Kyle, I don't think that-

Kyle: I can go as high as fifty dollars, Cartman. Fifty dollars for the use of your computer. What do you say?

Cartman: Ooh, that's very tempting, Kyle, but I value my personal safety a whole lot more than a measly fifty bucks.

Kyle: Cartman, bargaining with me isn't going to get you any more. I can't afford to go higher than fifty, dude. Fifty, take it or leave it.

Cartman: Dude, I'll leave it, if it's all the same with you.

Kyle: What?! You're turning down the chance to make money? Money??

Cartman: Like I said, I value my personal safety more.

Kyle: (frowning) Alright, asshole, look, if I ask my mom I could probably go an extra ten bucks. Would you be prepared to let me use your computer for sixty bucks?

Cartman: This is killing me, Kyle, it is. I can't bear to see you throwing your money at me like this, it's heartbreaking. (fake crying) Oh, God, I think I'm choking up.

Kyle: Cartman, please. I'm asking you as a friend. (teary-eyed) Dude, my dad didn't do nothing, and all I want is the opportunity to clear his name. Please, Cartman, please, I'm... I'm begging you.

Cartman: I'm sorry, Kyle, but the answer is still no. If I helped your dad get out of the big house, and someone I knew got raped, how would I ever forgive myself?

Kyle: What?! You're unbelievable, Cartman! Don't you even feel sorry for my dad in the slightest?!

Cartman: You're asking... if I feel sympathy... in any way... for a child molester? Uh, no.

Kyle: HE IS NOT A CHILD MOLESTER!!!

Cartman: Okay, okay, jeez, calm down, Kyle, calm down, he's... he's not a child molester. If that's what you want to believe, and if that's what you want to keep telling yourself, then that's your choice. I'm not disputing that.

Kyle: It's not what I want to believe, Cartman, it's the truth!

Cartman: Of course it is, Kyle, of course it is. All I'm saying is that we all have the right to believe what we want to believe. You believe your dad's not a child molester, I believe that he is. What would America be if we weren't allowed freedom of choice?

Kyle: Cartman, I swear, if you say that my dad's a child molester one more time, I won't be held responsible for my actions.

Cartman: Your point is taken, and taken well, Kyle. But since I know I won't be able to discuss this matter without using those words to describe your dad, this conversation is over. I'll see you tomorrow, Jew boy. (walks in, shutting the door behind him)

Kyle: Goddammit!

(Cut to Stan's house, the front lawn. Kyle is standing on the doorstep. He knocks the door and Stan answers. Stan seems slightly anxious upon seeing Kyle.)

Stan: Kyle. Uh, hi.

Kyle: (delirious) Why, Stan? Why wouldn't he help me? Why?

Stan: Whoa, dude, whuh... what're you talking about? Why wouldn't who help you?

Kyle: (delirious) Cuh... Cartman. That fat, self-centered, asshole, Eric Cartman. How could he be so cruel?

Stan: Cruel? What's he done?

Kyle: (delirious) Well, I wanted to use his computer so I could e-mail Jodie and ask her to contact the police and tell 'em that my dad didn't download any child pornography, but he wouldn't let me. He just kept spouting all this crap about how he couldn't help a child molester get out of jail, buh... but he's not a child molester, Stan, he's not. Ugh, I don't know what to do, Stan. I can't let my dad rot in jail and let people think he's a sick pervert, I just can't. You've got to help me, dude.

Stan: Uh, I'd love to, Kyle, but I don't see how I can. I don't even have a computer.

Kyle: (delirious) Yuh... You could talk to him. Make him change his mind. Please, Stan, I really need to use that computer, I'm... I'm desperate.

Stan: Dude, I don't think that I-

Kyle: (delirious) Stan, please. Cuh... Can't you see what this is doing to me? My dad hasn't even been in jail for a day and I'm already a total mess. I'm asking you, one friend to another, to perform this simple request for me. Please?

Stan: ...alright, I'll have a word with him, but I can't promise anything.

(Cut to Cartman's house, the front lawn. Stan is standing on the doorstep, talking to Cartman.)

Stan: Dude, come on, the poor kid is a wreck. All he wants is five minutes.

Cartman: I'll tell you what I told, Kyle. Go to hell.

Stan: You told Kyle to go to hell...?

Cartman: No, but I would've if he kept bugging me further. Dude, I'm not helping release a pedophile onto the streets. If I did, what kind of person would I be?

Stan: I understand what you're saying, Cartman, but if you could do this one thing for Kyle, then you'd be doing him a huge favour.

Cartman: Didn't you learn anything from our little pep talk earlier? Kyle's dad is a threat to us all.

Stan: Yeah, I've been thinking about what you said, and naturally, I am concerned, but this is Kyle we're talking about. His dad may be a pedophile, but Kyle's my best friend, I think that despite the fact his dad could be a pervert, I should still stand by him, because I'm his closest friend, and that's the right thing to do.

Cartman: The right thing to do is to make sure that asshole is as far away from us kids as humanly possible! That's the right thing to do, douchebag!

Stan: Don't call me a douchebag, blubber butt!

Cartman: Blubber butt? Oh, you'll never talk me round now. You can tell Kyle he can use my computer, if he'll suck my balls first!

(Cartman slams the door. Stan starts to walk off, but Cartman opens it again.)

Cartman: On second thoughts, the kid is pretty desperate. He may just decide to take me up on that offer, so on that note, you can tell him over my dead body.

(Cartman slams the door. Stan walks off, dejected.)

(Cut to the neighbourhood. Stan is walking home. Kyle runs up to him.)

Kyle: Well?

Stan: Sorry, dude, his mind is made up, he won't let you use his computer.

Kyle: Jesus Christ, I thought I could rely on you, Stan.

Stan: What?!

Kyle: I thought you of all people would be able to talk him round. I didn't think you'd be the kind of person to let me down. Apparently, I've just been deluding myself all these years.

Stan: Kyle, I'm sorry, I really did try, but you were right all along, that kid is an asshole.

Kyle: You're an asshole!

Stan: What?!

Kyle: You could've persuaded him, dude. He'd listen to you eventually. He wouldn't listen to me, no matter how much I begged, because he hates me. But he doesn't hate you half as much as he hates me, and he'd have agreed to let me use his computer eventually, if you had just kept trying. You're just the same as him. You don't give a crap about my dad, either. As far as you and he are concerned, my dad can rot in hell.

Stan: Kyle, that's not true, if something pisses you off, it pisses me off too. I don't like seeing you upset, and your dad being in jail is obviously upsetting you in a big way. If I could do anything to help you help him, then I'd do all I could to make that happen. But you know as well as I do, Cartman isn't going to budge because he loves seeing you like this, so nothing you or I could say to him would get him to reconsider. C'mon, I'm making sense, aren't I?

Kyle: Nothing makes sense anymore! Not since my dad was arrested for something he didn't fucking do!

Stan: Kyle, seriously, I know this is hard for you, but you have to learn to calm down. All this anger, it isn't healthy.

Kyle: And being locked up away from the people you love is? Having your reputation in ruins is healthy? Worrying that you may have to spend God knows how long in jail for a crime you didn't commit is... is healthy? Is any of that healthy, Stan?! Is it?!

Stan: No, but, Kyle, I'm telling you this because I care about you, and I don't want you going crazy because of this. Take a deep breath, relax.

Kyle: I can't do that. All I can think about is... is my dad, locked up in a cell, blaming me for everything.

Stan: ...dude, I'm sure he's not blaming you.

Kyle: Isn't he?

Stan: Kyle, listen to me. (grabs Kyle) Listen to me! This is not your fault. Your dad has absolutely no reason to blame you for this. If anyone's to blame for this, it's that retarded police force we have operating in this podunk town. Not you.

Kyle: Dude, I was the one that put those pictures of Jodie onto my dad's computer. I was the one that printed off a whole bunch of 'em and left 'em lying around the house for the police to find. If I didn't do any of that, the police wouldn't have had anything on my dad, and he wouldn't have been arrested. So you see, Stan, it was my fault. I am to blame... for everything.

Stan: No, you're not. Because those pictures were perfectly innocent. It's just that the police are so stupid that they can't see that, they won't see that. They're so caught up in all the bad stuff that's been going on in town lately, that they're just looking for anyone to point the finger at. As long as they have someone they can target, they feel as though they're doing their job, and people feel safer knowing there's at least one less pervert on the streets. But that doesn't mean they're right, Kyle. It just means they're looking for someone to blame, anyone as long as it makes them feel better about themselves.

Kyle: You can sugarcoat if off however you want, but that doesn't change the fact that if it wasn't for me, the police wouldn't have arrested my dad, and that's the cold, hard truth. (walks off)

Stan: No, Kyle, wait! Goddammit!

(Cut to Kyle's house, the kitchen. Mrs. Broflovski is talking on the phone. Kyle walks in.)

Mrs. Broflovski: But I just want to know how he's doing! Well, thanks for nothing! (hangs up) Oh, hello, Kyle. Were you able to use Eric's computer?

Kyle: No, he wouldn't let me. Who were you talking to just then?

Mrs. Broflovski: The police, I wanted to know how your father was doing, but... well, they wouldn't say.

Kyle: Mom, I'm... I'm sorry.

Mrs. Broflovski: Now, what on earth do you have to be sorry for, bubby? None of this is your fault.

Kyle: Yes, it is. If it wasn't for the pictures that Jodie sent me, Dad wouldn't have been arrested.

Mrs. Broflovski: No, no, look, we've told the police about a million times that Jodie is your girlfriend and that those pictures of her aren't child pornography. The police are the ones who are to blame for failing to listen.

Kyle: But they arrested Dad because of me!

Mrs. Broflovski: Kyle, you can't keep playing the blame game. If you do that, then you surely have to put some of the blame onto Jodie for sending you those pictures in the first place. If she didn't send them to you, the police wouldn't have found anything on your father's computer.

Kyle: Dude, don't blame Jodie for this. This isn't her fault.

Mrs. Broflovski: And it's not yours, either! Kyle, look, you can't torture yourself like this. Right now, your father needs us, and we have to keep a cool head for his sake. If we're blaming ourselves for what happened, how are we supposed to concentrate on getting him out of jail?

Kyle: ...I guess you're right, Mom. Alright, I'll... I'll stop blaming myself. For Dad's sake.

(Cut to South Park Elementary, the fourth grade classroom, day. The students, excluding Kyle, are sitting at their desks, talking amongst themselves.)

Craig: Kyle's dad's a what?!

Stan: Goddammit, Cartman! I told you not to tell anybody!

Cartman: (frowning) They have a right to know, buttlord!

Craig: I can't believe it. Are you sure about this?

Cartman: I got all the facts, Craig. I was on the scene when the cops arrested him.

Craig: Kyle's dad. No, but... but he's a lawyer. An upstanding-

Cartman: Member of the community, yeah, that's what we all thought. But we were wrong. Kyle's dad is nothing but a dirty perv.

Craig: But I hung out with Kyle at his house! Auh... And you're telling me I could've been raped by his dad?!

Cartman: We all hung out with Kyle at his house at one time or another, Craig. It could've happened to any of us.

Clyde: Oh my God!

Craig: That settles it then, wuh... we can't be friends with Kyle anymore.

Stan: What?!

Clyde: Craig's right. We can't hang out with Kyle if there's a chance we'll be molested by his pervert dad.

Stan: Nobody's going to be molested by Kyle's pervert dad, you guys, because Kyle's dad isn't a pervert.

Cartman: Don't listen to Stan, you guys, he's in denial.

Stan: I am not!

Cartman: I tried talking to him about Kyle's dad yesterday, but he wouldn't listen. He just wants to support his best friend, it's understandable, really.

Stan: It's not like that! I've had a chance to think and Kyle's dad is innocent until proven guilty! Isn't that what the law teaches us?

Craig: The law also teaches us that bad people and their families should be shunned from society. No, I'm with Cartman, I don't wanna have anything to do with Kyle from now on.

Clyde: Me neither.

Token: Yeah.

Craig: You know what, we should all make a stand against Kyle in future. Whenever we see Kyle, we completely ignore him. Maybe then he'll get the message.

Token: Yeah.

Stan: No, I'm not doing that! Kyle's my best friend, I'm not shunning him!

Craig: Well, that's your decision, Stan, but don't expect the rest of us to do the same. The way I see it, you're either was us or with Kyle. You can't be friends with all of us.

Stan: What?!

Craig: We don't want anything to do with a pervert's son, or any friend of a pervert's son. It's your choice, Stan. But I warn you, being shunned isn't very nice. If you choose to stand by Kyle, you might just find that life isn't as cool as it used to be.

Stan: (aside) Cartman, for once, I just wish you'd keep your mouth shut.

(Kyle walks into the room. Everyone looks away, avoiding his glance. Craig whistles, innocently.)

Kyle: Uh, hi, guys.

Craig: Did... Did somebody hear something? It... It sounded like somebody said something, but I don't know who or what.

Kyle: Uh, it was me. I said hi.

Craig: ...no, no, I don't think it was anything actually. I'm probably just hearing things.

Kyle: Huh? (takes a seat) Stan? What's up with Craig?

Stan: Uh...

(Stan looks at the rest of the class. All the kids, including Timmy, are looking at him, frowning. Stan looks back at Kyle.)

Stan: Jesus, Kyle, there are other kids in this class you can talk to besides me. God, get a life. (looks away)

Kyle: (hurt) Stan...?

Stan: (to Craig) Did anybody else here do last night's homework? I had trouble with question six.

Butters: Uh, sure, I did it, Stan. You can check my answers, if you want. (hands Stan his book)

Stan: Thanks, Butters.

(Kyle looks at Stan, sadly, as he begins writing.)

(Cut to the cafeteria. Stan, Cartman and Kenny walk up to Chef.)

Chef: Hello, children!

Stan: Hey, Chef.

Chef: Say, where's your little Jewish friend, Kyle, today?

Cartman: Oh, we're not hanging out with Kyle anymore, Chef, what with his dad being a child molester and stuff. Yeah, we agreed we can all do without friends like Kyle.

Chef: What??

Cartman: (looking to his left) Oh, great. Here he comes now. Lunches, please, Chef. C'mon, you guys.

(Cartman and Kenny grab their lunches and walk off, followed by Stan. Kyle walks up to Chef.)

Kyle: (depressed) Hey, Chef.

Chef: Now what the hell was that all about??

Kyle: I dunno, I can't figure it out either. Ever since I came to school this morning, everyone's been ignoring me. It's almost like they don't wanna be friends with me anymore.

Chef: Oh, I'm sure things'll work out, Kyle. You know what you children are like, friends one minute and calling each other assholes the next.

Kyle: But I can't--wait, wait, oh, God, no. Thuh... They wouldn't, would they?

Chef: Wouldn't what?

Kyle: I'll talk to you later, Chef. There's something I need to know. (walks up to the boys' table) Guys?

Cartman: (under his breath) Oh, crap! Remember, you guys, we're shunning him.

Kyle: Guys, uh, I can't help noticing how you seem to be... well, not talking to me and I was just wondering, well, I hate myself for thinking this, but... you're not ignoring me because of what's happened with my dad, are you? Because if you are, then, well, I think that's pretty lame. No, really lame. Well? Guys? Guys? Talk to me, dammit. Please. (pause) Stan? Stan, suh... say something, dude. Anything. (frowning) Come on, if you're gonna do this to me, I deserve an explanation, at least!

Stan: I...

(Cartman kicks him from underneath the table, frowning.)

Stan: Ow!

Kyle: ...fine. Then I'll just assume that you're not talking to me because my dad was arrested for that child pornography misunderstanding. I told you guys, he didn't do anything. Isn't my word good enough?

Cartman: (to Stan and Kenny) ...so, anyway, then I said, "Get your bitch ass back in the kitchen, and make me some pie!"

Kyle: Ah, to hell with you all! (walks off)

Stan: (hangs his head) Ugh, dude, that felt terrible!

Cartman: Hey, it worked, didn't it?

Stan: But it just feels wrong, treating Kyle like this. I mean, he's done nothing wrong and we're treating him like some kind of criminal.

Cartman: Nobody said shunning Kyle was gonna be easy, Stan, but if it means others respect us for it, then that's what we have to do.

Stan: Others?

Cartman: You know, Craig and those douchey faggots.

Stan: (sighs) I'm beginning to think that choosing those guys over Kyle wasn't such a smart move, after all.

Cartman: It's too late to back out now, Stan.

Stan: No, it isn't!

Cartman: Well, no, it isn't, but if you do, Craig and the others are gonna kick your head in, and, well, I'm afraid I won't be able to stop them. But if that's what you want, then go ahead. Run to Kyle. Go on, Stan, you must do what you feel is right for you.

Jimmy: (approaching) Huh... Huh... Hey, fellas! I've guh... guh... got a muh... muh... muh... muh... muhuhuhuh... I've got a message for you from Cruh... Cruh... Craig.

Cartman: What is it, Jimmy?

Jimmy: Well, he says thuh... there's a muh... muh... meeting regarding Kuh... Kuh... Kuh... the Jewish kid by the sluh... sluh... sluh... sluh... sliyiyiyi...

Cartman: Slide?

Jimmy: By the slide after schuh... school at three o'clock, sharp. He says not to be luh... late or he'll kuh... kuh... kick your asses.

Cartman: Yeah, I'd like to see the little peckerhead try. Okay, Jimmy, tell him we'll be there.

Jimmy: Okay.

Cartman: Oh, oh, uh, also tell him, "He's a fag-loving, semen-sucking, ball-licking, asshole-sniffing, butt-fucking, dickhole."

Jimmy: Gosh, that's quite a muh... muh... mouthful for someone like muh... me, Eric.

Cartman: I know, that's why I want you to say it.

Jimmy: Oh. (walks off)

(Cut to the playground. Stan, Cartman, Kenny, Butters, Tweek, Clyde, Token, Pip, Kevin, Timmy, Wendy and Bebe are standing around the monkey bars, talking amongst themselves. Craig steps up, clearing his throat.)

Craig: Could I have everyone's attention, please. Thank you. Now, I've called this urgent meeting to discuss what we have to do about that asshole Kyle.

Stan: What are you talking about? I thought we were gonna shun him.

Craig: That was the original plan, yeah, but it appears that shunning Kyle is not working.

Stan: How come?

Craig: Well, I have it on good authority that Kyle was seen talking to a few of us here today.

Stan: What?

Craig: My expert witness, Clyde here, says he saw Kyle talking to you guys in the cafeteria at lunchtime.

Stan: Yeah, talking to us. We weren't talking to him.

Craig: I know that, but Clyde also told me that while spying on Kyle throughout the day, as instructed by me, he was caught talking with Butters, Timmy and Kevin in the bathroom, hallway, and playground, respectively. This brings me to the conclusion that simply shunning him... won't work. I'm afraid in order to make our voices heard, we're gonna have to step it up a notch.

Stan: Why do I feel like I'm not gonna like the sound of this?

Cartman: What've you got in mind, Craig?

Craig: I'm glad you asked, Cartman. Guys, I think we need to be direct with Kyle. We need to assert ourselves and show him we mean business. We have to show him how strongly we feel about having a child molester's son living in our quiet, peaceful neighbourhood.

Butters: How're we gonna do that?

Craig: (walking back and forth, confidently) We've been behaving like a bunch of pussies regarding this issue. By doing nothing, it's almost like we're saying we're happy with the situation, that we're perfectly okay with a pedophile's son hanging around us like a smelly fart. We should be giving Kyle a hard time, rather than letting him walk around like he's done nothing wrong.

Stan: But... he hasn't done anything wrong. Not really.

Craig: (ignoring him) Well, in this country, if we don't like something, we take action. If another country's pissing us off and threatening to start a war, we kick their ass and teach them not to mess with America by using brute force. Well, I say we do the same to Kyle!

Stan: What?!

Craig: We are America, Kyle is a third-world country. By having a pervert dad, Kyle is pissing us off, he's threatening to start a war. And what does America do to countries that piss them off?

Everyone Excluding Stan: Kick their ass!

Craig: That's right!

Stan: What?! No, that's fucking stupid!

Craig: It's not fucking stupid, buttpipe, I saw it on TV. If a country's pissing America off, we go to war with it. That's what the government teaches us.

Stan: No! We should be trying to resolve any problems we have by communicating. Communication, that's... that's the key to solving problems.

Craig: We didn't do that during the Iraqi war, we're not gonna start doing it now. I say we kick Kyle's ass and make his life a living hell! Who's with me?!

Everyone Excluding Stan: Me! Me! Me!

Stan: No, no. We can't kick Kyle's ass just because we don't agree with his dad's lifestyle.

Craig: Hey, that's the American way, buddy. And if you don't like it, maybe you're living in the wrong country.

Cartman: Yeah, Stan, if you don't like the way we proud Americans think, then maybe you need to consider eloping or something.

Stan: Dude, I'm not leaving the country, but don't get me wrong, I'm not beating up Kyle, either. This whole idea is retarded, big time. It's the dumbest fucking idea you guys have ever come up with.

Craig: Yeah, well, this is definitely a new one, there's no doubt about that, but we never had to face a child molester before.

Stan: God!

Craig: This is your last chance, Stan. And remember what I said earlier, if you're against us, you've gotta expect the same treatment as Kyle. We don't take kindly to people who oppose our beliefs.

Stan: ...alright, how hard a beating are we talking here?

Craig: Hmm, I'm thinking severe, but not too severe that he'll die.

Stan: Dude, he's just a kid. We can't be too rough with him.

Cartman: Shut up, Stan, Craig knows what he's doing. Good call, Craig, that's an excellent choice of punishment.

Craig: It's no more than he deserves, Stan. When you think about it, you know that it makes sense. Alright, gang, this is what we're gonna do. At recess tomorrow, we're gonna kick Kyle's ass. I trust there are no objections to that from anyone.

Stan: No.

Craig: Rad. Alright, everyone, get lots of sleep tonight. You're gonna need to reserve all your energy for tomorrow.

(Cut to the South Park Police Department. Mrs. Broflovski is visiting Mr. Broflovski. Mr. Broflovski looks tired and depressed, almost suicidal.)

Mrs. Broflovski: Gerald, how're you doing?

Mr. Broflovski: I'm doing as well as can be expected for guy who's been raped eight times since they locked me up by a big, black guy named Tom.

(A big, black prisoner walks by. Mr. Broflovski flinches.)

Mr. Broflovski: Ugh! Hi, Tom!

Prisoner: Hi, honey. (walks off)

Mrs. Broflovski: I see.

Mr. Broflovski: So, uh, where are the kids?

Mrs. Broflovski: The children wanted to see you, but they wouldn't let them in, for fear that you'd attempt to molest them. I told them that was nonsense, but they wouldn't accept it. Oh, Gerald, I just feel so upset over the way they're treating you.

Mr. Broflovski: You feel upset? Try having a twelve inch penis crammed into your ass every night!

Mrs. Broflovski: (fantasising, briefly) Oh, uh, yes, that... that sounds terrible. It must be awful for you, being here.

Mr. Broflovski: Let's just say prison is not my friend. They treat people like me in the worst possible way here. Yesterday someone spat in my soup.

Mrs. Broflovski: Prison inmates can be so cruel...

Mr. Broflovski: It was a police officer! Oh, Sheila, I'm telling you, I... I can't take any more of this! It's torture, pure torture! You've gotta get me outta here!

Mrs. Broflovski: Gerald, believe me, we've tried everything, from telling the police the truth about Jodie, to appealing the governor. But he's already busy looking into the release of some little girl convicted of killing a lesbian or something. The only thing you can do is wait for the court case.

Mr. Broflovski: But I really can't hold out that long, Sheila. My ass can't take any more and neither can I. If I have to stay locked up any longer, I'm gonna end up committing suicide.

Mrs. Broflovski: Gerald, stop talking like that. You have to be strong.

Mr. Broflovski: I... I can't. Maybe I could if I was guilty, then I'd know that I at least deserved this kind of treatment, but I'm innocent, Sheila. I'm being punished for something I didn't even do. Do you know how that feels?

Mrs. Broflovski: No, I don't, but I know that you have to be strong, regardless of how you came to be locked up here. You can get through this, Gerald, because you have your friends and families support.

Mr. Broflovski: Family, maybe. But do you know how many of my "friends" have come to visit me since I was arrested? I can count them on one hand, Sheila.

(Mr. Broflovski holds up his right hand. It is bandaged and it appears that all his fingers have been cut off. Mrs. Broflovski is aghast.)

Mr. Broflovski: Zero!

Mrs. Broflovski: Gerald, what in Moses' name happened to your hand?!

Mr. Broflovski: Uh, fight. I lost all of my fingers, but, hey, you should see the other guy.

Mrs. Broflovski: Oh my God!

Mr. Broflovski: Oh, don't worry, Sheila. The doctor's got 'em on ice, he'll stitch 'em back on in a few hours. I'll be as good as new. Of course, I may not be able to pleasure you sexually with this hand anymore, but I could get used to using my left, couldn't I?

(He brings up his left hand, which is also bandaged.)

Mr. Broflovski: Oh, yeah. Well, at least I've still got my tongue.

(Cut to City Hall, night. A crowd of people have gathered in front of the building. Mr. McCormick and his wife approach.)

Mr. McCormick: Hi, Randy.

Mr. Marsh: Oh, hi, Stuart. You got called to this emergency town meeting, too, huh?

Mr. McCormick: Yeah, at the worst possible time, I was right in the middle of gettin' drunk. D'you have any idea what this is all about?

Mr. Marsh: I don't know any more than you.

Mr. McCormick: Well, as long as it isn't anything to do with the tax hike, I don't give a rat's ass.

Mayor: Good evening, everyone. First of all, I'd like to apologize for dragging you all out here so late in the day, I'm sure many of you have way more important things to attend to, but this is an emergency. Or at least, that's what I've been told. Second, I'd like to inform you that you may hear things here tonight that you don't exactly agree with, or may even be deeply offended by, but it's a free country, and everyone has the right to voice their opinions or whatever. So, I'd like to hand you over to the organizer of this town meeting - Ms. Sheila Broflovski.

(The Mayor and her aides step back, as Mrs. Broflovski walks up to the front. Everyone starts muttering to each other, quizically.)

Mrs. Broflovski: (clears her throat) Good evening, citizens of South Park. I'm here tonight to discuss something that's very close to all our hearts: our children.

Craig's Father: (frowning) Hey, wait a minute! You're that child molester's wife!

Mrs. Broflovski: (frowning) Excuse me, but my husband is NOT a child molester! He's a decent, kind, loving human being and he didn't deserve to be locked up!

Craig's Father: What the hell are you talking about?! That sick bastard molested kids!

Mrs. Broflovski: He did not!

Craig's Father: Alright, alright, he may not have so much as come right out and had sex with them, but he downloaded child pornography, and, well, that's just as bad as actually doing it in my view!

Mrs. Broflovski: I want to set the record straight, my husband did not rape any children or download anything explicit from the Internet. I've called this meeting tonight to tell you once and for all that the things my husband is being accused of are not true. It's all been a big misunderstanding by the second-rate cops of this screwed up town. That girl in the pictures, that the police found on my husband's computer, that was none other than my son's girlfriend.

Craig's Father: Bullshit! How are we supposed to believe that an eight-year-old girl would pose nude for her boyfriend? Christ, children may be a lot more liberal these days, but Jesus Christ!

Mrs. Broflovski: The child in the pictures is Jodie, the Winters' girl! The family of nudists! Don't you remember that she and my son are boyfriend and girlfriend? Come on, Randy, Sharon, I can understand if the others are too dumb to remember, but you've both got a bit of sense, at least more than the rest of these idiots! You know who I'm talking about!

Mr. Marsh: (slowly) Jodie...

Mrs. Marsh: (slowly) Winters? Nudists? I... don't recall anybody like that living in South Park.

Mrs. Broflovski: They moved here last September! I kicked up a stink about their girl going out with my little Kyle! Sharon, I talked about how much the family disgusted me with you numerous times that first week!

Mrs. Marsh: Ohh! Jodie Winters! Yes, of course!

Mrs. Broflovski: Thank you, God!

Mrs. Marsh: Didn't she used to wear clothes though?

Mrs. Broflovski: What? No!

Mrs. Marsh: I think I remember her, brown eyes, black hair...

Mrs. Broflovski: Yes, that's her! That's the one! But she didn't wear clothes, did she?

Mrs. Marsh: Oh, God, I'm... I'm sorry, Sheila, but I distinctly remember her wearing clothes. It's like... It's like, I can picture her... in my head... you know, but, yeah, she's... she's definitely wearing clothes.

Mrs. Broflovski: Aah!

Craig's Father: Aha! Try talking your way out of that one!

Mrs. Broflovski: Mr. Garrison! Mr. Garrison! Jodie's in the fourth grade! You must know who I'm talking about, don't you?!

Mr. Garrison: Hell, half the time, I don't even know what I'm talking about.

Mr. Slave: Yeah, Jesus Christ!

Mrs. Broflovski: Mr. Mackey? Principal Victoria?

Mr. Mackey: I don't really see a lot of the kids in school unless they have some kind of emotional problems, mmm'kay.

Principal: I spend most of my day in my office. I probably wouldn't know one kid in that school from the next.

Mrs. Broflovski: So, not one person, no one in this town remembers her?

Craig's Father: I think you've wasted enough of our time tonight, lady, so if there's nothing else, some of us have children who need our love and attention waiting at home.

Mrs. Broflovski: But I... My husband is innocent.

Craig's Father: Oh, please! Tell it to someone who gives a damn!

(The crowd of people begin to disperse, as the Mayor comforts a defeated Mrs. Broflovski.)

Mayor: I'm sorry, Ms. Broflovski, but I did warn you that they might not listen. Trust me, if I've learned anything through my term as Mayor, it's that people will only hear what they want to hear. I know it may not mean much, but... I'd like to wish you good luck in getting justice for your husband.

Mrs. Broflovski: Thank you, Mayor.

Mayor: Yeah, and, uh, you know what they say, one good turn deserves another. There is an election this November.

Mrs. Broflovski: Oh, fuck off! Wait! What's that?

Mayor: Election this November?

Mrs. Broflovski: No, not that! That! Listen!

(The crowd of people leaving the Town Square pause and look around. The sound of heavy footsteps approaching the town is audible. A group of protesters march up over the hill into town, chanting. They're holding signs, reading: "Free Kyle's Dad", "Kyle's Dad is Innocent", "Molesting is Beautiful", "Love is 4 Everyone" and "Children Want it Too".)

Protesters: Free Kyle's dad! Free Kyle's dad! Free Kyle's dad!

Mayor: Ooh! Nice touch, bringing in the protesters! I'm impressed!

Mrs. Broflovski: What the hell is this?

Mayor: You mean you didn't arrange this?

Mrs. Broflovski: No! I'm as surprised as you are!

Protester #1: Don't worry, Mrs. Broflovski. The cavarly is here and you have our full support. Isn't that right, fellas?

Protesters: Yeah! Free Kyle's dad! Free Kyle's dad! Free Kyle's dad!

Mrs. Broflovski: Who are you people??

Protester #1: We're the Free Kyle's Dad Movement, of course.

Mrs. Broflovski: Free Kyle's Dad Movement? But I didn't set up any kind of Free Kyle's Dad Movement.

Protester #1: No, but we did. Free Kyle's dad! Free Kyle's dad!

Protesters: Free Kyle's dad! Free Kyle's dad! Free Kyle's dad!

Mrs. Broflovski: Stop that, it's very annoying.

Protester #1: Sorry, but chanting is the only way we know how to get our message across.

Mrs. Broflovski: Why are you here?

Protester #1: We heard about your husband's misfortune, we're here to help you get him released.

Mrs. Broflovski: You are?!

Protester #1: Yes. We understand what he's going through, and we're willing to back you and your family 100% in order to free him from the shackles that bind him that is prison.

Mrs. Broflovski: Oh, this is wonderful. So, you believe that my husband is innocent?

Protester #1: God, yes. In our eyes, what your husband's done is hardly a crime at all. Why, if anything, he's the victim here.

Mrs. Broflovski: What? No, no, I think there's been a mistake. Uh, my husband... he really is innocent, he didn't molest any children.

Protester #1: Oh.

Protester #2: Oh.

Protester #1: Oh, well, no, no, of course he didn't. Because, uh, because to molest someone is to interfere and take unjust advantage of them, if... if, you know, if you're doing it because the child actually wants sexual love, then... then how can anyone say that you're guilty of molesting them? If you have consent to do something, it isn't a crime. So... yeah, of course your husband didn't molest a child.

Mrs. Broflovski: My husband didn't molest a child!

Protester #1: No, because the child he made love to gave him consent.

Mrs. Broflovski: No, because he never made love to a child to begin with! Look, I don't know who you people are or what you stand for, but, well, to be quite honest, I think I could do without your help. If you can even call it that.

Protester #1: Well, if that's how you feel, then far be it for us to pressurize you. You don't want our help, that's okay, we're not offended. There are plenty of innocent people out there, innocent people who've been arrested for having sex with children, innocent people who genuinely want our help. But if for some reason you change your mind, just whistle and we'll come a-running. Alright, fellas, move out. Dave, who's the next "child molester" on our list?

Protester #3: Uh, that would be... Michael Jackson.

Protester #1: You heard the man, fellas. Next stop, New York!

Protesters: Free Michael Jackson! Free Michael Jackson! Free Michael Jackson!

Mr. Garrison: Wow.

Mr. Slave: You're telling me, Jesus Christ!

(Cut to Stan's house, the front lawn. Kyle is standing on the doorstep, knocking the door.)

Kyle: Stan? Stan! Come on, open up! I know you're in there! Open up, dammit!

Shelley: (answers) Jesus, you little turd! What do you want?!

Kyle: I wanna speak to Stan!

Shelley: Well, tough luck, he's in bed!

Kyle: At eight-thirty?

Shelley: I couldn't figure it out, either, but he wanted to go to bed early. Why the hell should I stand in his way? At least if he's in bed, I get control over the TV.

Kyle: Well, could you wake him up for me, please? I have to speak with him.

Shelley: Jesus Christ, alright, you greasy turd. You're just lucky I got some today. Wait here.

(Shelley walks off, leaving Kyle on the doorstep. Moments later, Stan turns up in his pyjamas, yawning.)

Stan: Kyle? What are you doing here?

Kyle: Oh, don't pretend you don't know. What the hell was that about at school today?

Stan: I, uh, I don't have any idea what you're talking about.

Kyle: Stop it, Stan, I've had it up to here with all the bullcrap lately. You're ignoring me because of my dad, aren't you?

Stan: No.

Kyle: Just be honest with me, damn you! I can take it!

Stan: Dude, I'm not ignoring you because of your dad, I swear!

Kyle: ...you're a fucking liar, Stan.

Stan: I'm not lying!

Kyle: I know you well enough to know when you're lying, and when you're telling the truth, and telling the truth this ain't. Why are you being like this? I told you my dad is innocent.

Stan: I know!

Kyle: You've been running hot and cold on me for two days now, Stan. I'm not even sure if you want me as a friend anymore. Can't you just tell me the truth about how you're feeling? Can't you just be straight with me just this once?

Stan: I...

Kyle: Come on, dude, I know you won't talk to me at school, but it's different now. Look, there's no one else around, you can be totally kosher with me. I thought you respected me.

Stan: You know I do!

Kyle: Then for the love of God, tell me! Why are you treating me like a piece of crap you've just stepped in?!

Stan: I... I just... I can't say.

Kyle: Dude, come on, I need you, because right now, apart from my mom and Ike, I'm all alone. I don't have anyone I can turn to for support, I don't have anyone to just be there for me, I don't have a friend in the world. Even Butters is ignoring me! Do you know what that feels like? To be blanked by Butters? I'm not so naive that I don't know why I'm being shunned, I know it's because people are so small-minded about my dad, but you... you're not supposed to be a dick, Stan. You're not supposed to be turning your back on me. You're supposed to be my best friend. The person I'm supposed to be able to rely on.

Stan: Well, maybe it's... maybe it's time you started looking for somebody else to rely on. Good night. (shuts the door)

(Cut to South Park Elementary, the fourth grade classroom, day. The students, excluding Kyle, are sitting at their desks, talking amongst themselves.)

Craig: Well, guys, today's the day we extract sweet revenge on Kyle. I hope everyone got lots of sleep and went to bed early, like I asked. Stan, you look pretty tired, I hope you didn't disobey me by staying up all night, watching TV.

Stan: Dude, I went to bed at six-thirty.

Craig: Good. Man, I can't wait to start kicking the crap out of that little asshole. I know beating up Kyle won't undo the damage that his dad did to all those poor kids, but it'll make me feel better at least.

(Stan sighs. Kyle walks in and takes his seat, staring at Stan. Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave walk in.)

Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's take our seats. We have a lot to learn today. Children, due to certain, uh, developments in South Park recently, today I've been asked that I teach you kids about (writing) "child molestation".

Mr. Slave: Jesus Christ!

(Craig, Cartman and the others frown at Kyle. Kyle slumps back into his seat.)

Mr. Garrison: Now, children, when most adults look at a child, they think to themselves, "Oh, there's a kid." And nothing more. Or they might comment on how cute that kid is, or how much of a pain he is, but that's about it, they never really expand on those thoughts. But, you see, children, a pedophile or "child molester" or whatever you want to call them, when they look at a child, they think to themselves, "Oh, man, I'd really, really, really, really like to bone that kid." Or maybe they'd think, "God, that kid is so, so hot, I'd love to stick my penis up that kid's butt, oh, that'd feel sooo good." (Craig and Cartman look at each other, quizically) Or if they're really attracted to that kid, they might think, "I've gotta have that kid, even if the kid doesn't wanna have me, I just have to make love to that little boy." Or girl, y'know, if they're fruity. (Butters and Kenny look at each other) Y'see, a child molester isn't like a normal human being, children. They're not able to respond sexually to people their own age because they're screwed up for whatever reason, but you have to remember that these people have an illness, a mental disease that cannot be cured through any amount of crackerass therapy. Child molestation is not a choice, children, people molest kids not because they want to, but because their brains don't work like normal people's brains. They have sex with kids because they have to. Yes, I know it's strange, and maybe even a little scary, to think that there are people out there who'd like to have unsolicited sex with children your age, but, well, that's the world we're living in, children. It's a sick world, full of sick people. But the good news is that you don't have to live your lives in fear, because people like these assholes are only in the minority, so chances are only a few of you here today will ever be taken advantage of in this way, so it's not all bad, is it? No? No. Alright, that about covers everything I intended to teach you about child molestation, let's talk about child pornography now. Children, as you know, the Internet is full of lots and lots of interesting facts about life and stuff, but the Internet is also a place of filth and perversion. People who are turned on by children, but aren't in a position to actually molest them, may turn to child pornography to fulfill their sexual desires. Child pornography is a lot like regular pornography, except all the models are children and it's totally unethical. People can get into a lot of trouble for viewing material such as this, and although it's not as bad as actually molesting kids, it's not much better either. People who choose to look at stuff like this are what we call society's sick bastards and should be severely dealt with.

Kyle: (gets up) That does it, I can't listen to this, I have to get out of here! (runs off)

Mr. Garrison: Now what the hell's up with him? Oh, yeah. Whoops! I guess lecturing you children about abuse and child pornography wasn't the most sensitive thing I could've done, considering the circumstances. Damn, well, he won't be coming back.

Craig: Oh, shit! (to Cartman) If he doesn't come back, we can't, uh, do that thing that we were gonna do.

Cartman: Oh, no! We can't... not do that! I've been dreaming about doing... that thing all night long.

Craig: Well, he couldn't have gotten far. We're just gonna have to do things a little differently and act right now. C'mon, gang.

(The fourth grade begin to leave the room.)

Mr. Garrison: Hey! Where the hell are the rest of you bastards going?! Hey! Get back here! I can't believe it, Mr. Slave! They're throwing off my lesson plan!

Mr. Slave: Oh, fireworks. Does that mean we won't get to do roll play where I'm the helpless child and you're the sick child molesting pervert? Jesus Christ, and I cleaned my ass out especially. What a waste of an evening.

(Cut to the neighbourhood. Kyle is walking home.)

Craig: (VO) Hey, Kyle!

Kyle: Huh?

(Kyle turns around to see the entire fourth grade standing behind him, frowning.)

Kyle: What is this about?

Craig: I'll tell you what it's about, Kyle. It's about us not wanting to put up with hanging out with a child molester's son anymore.

Kyle: Well, for the past few days, you haven't actually been hanging out with me at all. And my dad isn't a child molester!

Cartman: Give it up, Kyle. You couldn't convince us before, you're not going to be able to convince us now. If your dad wasn't a child molester, he wouldn't be in prison, would he?

Kyle: Haven't you ever heard of misunderstandings, retard?!

Cartman: Yeah, of course, but this isn't a misunderstanding, Jew. The cops nailed the right man.

Kyle: Aah!

Craig: Anyway, at this point, we don't really care if your dad's a pervert or not. We've been psyching ourselves up for this fight since yesterday afternoon, and we're gonna kick the crap out of you regardless of whether your dad's innocent or guilty.

Kyle: Wait, fight?? What does that mean?

Cartman: We're gonna beat you up, Kyle. What the hell do you think it means?

Kyle: What?! No, you can't.

Craig: Oh, I think we can. Clyde, Token!

Kyle: Wah!

(Clyde and Token walk up to Kyle and grab his arms. Craig walks up to Kyle and punches him in the stomach, winding him.)

Craig: That's for little Billy!

(Craig punches Kyle again, on the right side of his face.)

Craig: And that's for little Sally!

(Craig punches Kyle again, on the left side of his face.)

Craig: And that's for little Tommy!

(Craig knees Kyle in the balls, causing Kyle to cough up blood. Stan watches in awe, unable to do anything.)

Craig: And that's for... well, you get the idea. Alright, next!

(Craig steps aside, letting Cartman have a go. Cartman snaps his wrists.)

Cartman: Ohh, dude! This is gonna be so much fun!

(Cartman punches Kyle in the stomach, repeatedly.)

Cartman: Die, fucking Jew! Die!

Craig: Hey, hey, hey, stop!!!

Cartman: What??

Craig: Dude, that's not cool. We're not beating him up 'cause he's a Jew. We're beating him up 'cause his dad's a pervert.

Cartman: I know!

Craig: Well, don't start screaming, "Die, Jew, die!" That'll make it look like we're discriminating against him.

Cartman: But we are!

Craig: Yeah, but not for being a Jew, dumbass! We're not anti-Semitics!

Cartman: Speak for yourself, I am!

Craig: Goddammit, Cartman, hit him, but don't hit him for being a Jew, hit him for being a pervert's son.

Cartman: Jesus Christ, alright!

(Cartman starts punching Kyle again, repeatedly to the head. Kyle moans in pain with each punch.)

Craig: Alright, Cartman, that's it. Next!

Stan: Huh?

Craig: I said next. That's you, Stan.

Stan: Muh... Me?

(He looks at Kyle with a deep feeling of remorse. Kyle looks badly beaten, his face is bruised and his nose is bleeding.)

Craig: Yes, you! C'mon, hurry up and hit him!

Stan: Uh, I'll, uh, hit him later. Someone else can take my turn.

Craig: No, not later. Do it now. What, are you a big wussy chicken or something?

Stan: Dude, I'm not a big wussy chicken, I just...

Craig: Then hit him, for God's sake! Jesus!

Stan: Alright!

(Stan steps up in front of Kyle. Kyle is moaning in pain. Stan stares at him for a short while, before tapping him lightly on the cheek.)

Stan: Okay, I'm done.

Craig: ...what? Was that it? That pathetic little girly punch?

Cartman: Hell, that wasn't even a punch!

Craig: Hit him again, Stan.

Stan: What?! No!

Craig: Hit him again and do it properly this time!

Stan: Jesus Christ, no! What part of no don't you understand?!

Craig: God, alright, fine, be a wuss. Alright, next.

(Cut to the neighbourhood, later. Clyde and Token are holding up a weak Kyle. His face is a mess and he can barely keep his eyes open. Kevin is punching him in the stomach. Craig steps in, breaking it up.)

Craig: Alright, Kevin, that's enough. I think we've taught him a lesson he won't be forgetting in a hurry. Let's just hope he learns from it... that and that he doesn't tell his mom we did this to him.

Kyle: Ugh...

Craig: 'kay, we're finished with this loser. C'mon, guys, let's go.

(Token and Clyde release Kyle and he drops to the ground, moaning in pain. Craig, Cartman and the others walk off, but Stan hesitates.)

Kyle: Ugh, Stuh... Stan... Mom... I want... my mom...

(Stan simply stares at Kyle, dazed.)

Kyle: Stan, please...

Craig: (VO) Come on, Stan!

Kyle: Ugh...

(Stan walks off, leaving Kyle.)

(Cut to Hell's Pass Hospital, a room. Kyle is lying in bed, unconscious, hooked up to a machine. Mrs. Broflovski is sitting beside him, comforting him.)

Mrs. Broflovski: There, there, Kyle. My precious, sweet, little Kyle. (sniffs)

Dr. Doctor: (walks in) Mrs. Broflovski?

Mrs. Broflovski: Oh, doctor, please, please help my son!

Dr. Doctor: We're doing all we can for him, Mrs. Broflovski. Don't worry, he's in safe hands now.

Mrs. Broflovski: But he's unconscious and... look at his face, doctor! Look at what they've done to my poor bubby!

Dr. Doctor: Mrs. Broflovski, trust me, it's not as bad as it looks. I've seen many cases like this during my time as a doctor, and believe me, I've seen far worse. He should regain consciousness in a matter of hours and a little rest and TLC is all your son needs to get back on track. He's going to be fine, I can assure you.

Mrs. Broflovski: But what about any lasting damage? To his face or internal organs?

Dr. Doctor: There's no denying that he's taken one hell of a beating, but miraculously, everything is still in working order and little to no damage has been done, and there aren't any broken bones either, which in itself is a big surprise.

Mrs. Broflovski: (hugging Kyle) Oh, bubby, I'm never letting you out of my sight ever again!

Cop #5: (walks in) Excuse me, I'm Officer Hamilton. Doctor, could I have a quick word with the patient?

Mrs. Broflovski: The police??

Dr. Doctor: I'm sorry, officer, but I'm afraid that's out of the question. This child is not in any position to talk to anyone. And even if he were conscious, I wouldn't advise him to be talking.

Cop #5: That's alright, I can wait. But perhaps I could have a quick word with the child's mother instead?

Dr. Doctor: Well, I-

Mrs. Broflovski: It's alright, doctor. Let him in.

Dr. Doctor: As you wish. If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask.

Cop #5: Oh, if it's not too much bother, could I get a coffee? I know the coffee here tastes like diarrhea, but I'm so thirsty, I'm willing to drink the crap.

Dr. Doctor: I was talking to Mrs. Broflovski!

Cop #5: Yeah, well, I still want my coffee. Chop-chop.

(Dr. Doctor sighs and leaves the room.)

Cop #5: Now then, Mrs. Broflovski-

Mrs. Broflovski: Don't.

Cop #5: Excuse me?

Mrs. Broflovski: Don't say anything. Whatever it is you've got to say, I don't want to hear it. It's because of you pigs that my son was beaten up in the first place.

Cop #5: That's a pretty wild accusation, Mrs. Broflovski. I'd be pretty careful about what I was saying, if I were you.

Mrs. Broflovski: Why not? It's true. If you hadn't made the mistake of arresting my husband for something he didn't even do, my son wouldn't have been beaten to a bloody pulp.

Cop #5: Mrs. Broflovski, do you know who did this?

Mrs. Broflovski: I don't know for certain, but I have a fairly good idea. To me, this looks like the work of the small-minded. People who don't agree with what my husband's being accused of, but have decided to take their anger out on my poor Kyle instead.

Cop #5: I'm gonna need names, Mrs. Broflovski.

Mrs. Broflovski: Well, like I said, I don't know for certain who did this to my son, so I can't really start naming people left, right and center. But if you ask me, anybody in South Park could be responsible for this. Lots of people have taken it upon themselves to shun my family after the police falsely arrested my husband.

Cop #5: Now wait just one moment, Mrs. Broflovski. We were well within our rights to bring your husband in. We clearly had the evidence to back up our suspicions.

Mrs. Broflovski: What, a few lousy pictures of my son's nudist girlfriend? Yeah, that's evidence enough to accuse my husband of pedophilia.

Cop #5: That story doesn't wash with us, Mrs. Broflovski, and until we receive solid proof that this nudist girl even exists, we stand by our initial inkling. I'm sorry if that is upsetting for you in any way, but-

Mrs. Broflovski: Damn right it is! You know, officer, I don't need this right now. I have an innocent husband in prison and a half dead son in hospital. I don't need any extra stress from the likes of you.

(Mrs. Broflovski turns to tend to Kyle. A policeman walks in and whispers something to Cop #5, before leaving the room.)

Cop #5: Oh. Well, thanks for letting me know, Jeff. Uh, Mrs. Broflovski?

Mrs. Broflovski: What?!

Cop #5: I'm afraid I have some bad news. Your youngest son, Ike, has been abducted.

Mrs. Broflovski: Oh, God, no!

(Cut to Kyle's house, the front lawn. A crowd of people have gathered in the streets, as well as several squad cars. Two policemen are taking a statement from a teenage girl. Another squad car arrives and Mrs. Broflovski gets out, panicking.)

Mrs. Broflovski: What's happened?! Where's my son?!

Cop #6: Take it easy, ma'am.

Mrs. Broflovski: My son's been abducted by God knows what kind of sick pervert and you're telling me to take it easy?!

Cop #7: Ma'am, please, we're doing all we can to help your son. We've deployed a search team around the area and everyone's been told to keep an eye out for the little fella.

Mrs. Broflovski: And you think that's helping??

Cop #6: Well, we're also taking a statement from your child's babysitter here. That's sort of helping.

Babysitter: I'm sooo sorry, Mrs. Broflovski. I only looked away for a second to shoot some heroin in the bathroom, then when I came back, little Dyke was gone. You're not gonna fire me for this, are you?

Mrs. Broflovski: Fire you! Of course I'm going to fire you! Shooting heroin? What kind of babysitter behaves so irresponsibly?! I trusted you to look after my baby!

Babysitter: I know and I really am sorry, oh, if I could turn back the clock and make it happen so I didn't allow the little guy to be abducted, I would, seriously.

Mrs. Broflovski: Oh, I don't wanna hear it, Hannah! You're incompetent and I can't even bear to look at you right now!

Babysitter: Incompewhat?

Cop #8: (approaching) Mrs. Broflovski, I'm Detective Clark, I'm in charge of the team that's responsible for locating your missing son. Now, in order for us to track him and his abductor down quickly, we're going to need your help. Now, do you know anyone who has a clear motive to abduct your little boy?

Mrs. Broflovski: What?!

Cop #8: Well, you know, with all the recent child molestation that's been happening lately, we can't rule out the possibility that your son was abducted so someone could have their sick, disgusting way with him, sexually.

Mrs. Broflovski: Oh my God, no!

Cop #8: But if you could narrow things down for us, like, you know, if anyone's expressed any sort of interest towards your boy lately that we could chase up, then it'd make finding your boy a whole lot easier. However, if you haven't the slightest idea who might've abducted him, well, it's going to take a bit longer, and the chances of him being molested are far greater.

Mrs. Broflovski: I... I don't know anything! Please, please find my baby before something terrible happens to him!

Cop #8: Don't worry, we will. I know our success rate hasn't been all that high lately, but, uh, we're feeling pretty confident about this one.

(Cut to Carl's Warehouse. The fourth grade, excluding Kyle, are standing around, talking.)

Blonde Boy: Dude, what is this all about?

Kevin: I don't know, I just got a note from Craig telling me to come here for another meeting.

Blonde Boy: What could it be about? We already beat up that Kyle kid, what else could we possibly do to him?

Craig: Well, this is impressive. I must say, I, uh, didn't expect so many people to show, seeing as how it's Saturday, but I'm glad you all did, because I've got some big news that affects us all.

Cartman: Yeah, just hurry it up, Craig, I don't wanna spend my whole weekend in this craphole.

Craig: Shut up, Cartman. This is important! Last night, I became aware of some frightening information. It seems like Kyle's dad wasn't the only pedophile in this town, for yesterday, Friday March 26th, kindergartener Ike Broflovski was abducted.

Tweek: What?!

Cartman: No way!

Craig: It's true, I heard it from another kindergartener, who heard it from his older brother, who heard it from his dad, who heard it from his girlfriend, and she's the babysitter that was looking after the kid before he was taken.

Cartman: Oh, man, this is gold! This is absolute gold!

Craig: How is that gold...?

Cartman: Dude, Kyle's dad's been arrested for child pornography, Kyle's in hospital after receiving a brutal beating from us, and now, to top it all off, Kyle's douchebag brother has been abducted! This is awesome! Kyle's family is slowly but surely falling to pieces and I couldn't be happier!

Craig: Yeah, it's a laugh a minute that the kids in this town are no longer safe. That's hysterical.

Cartman: Lighten up, Craig. Jesus.

Craig: I don't think you understand the seriousness of this situation, Cartman. If someone like Kyle's brother can be abducted without anyone knowing, how can we be sure that it won't happen to any of us?

Cartman: Because we're not stupid.

Craig: That doesn't matter. We're all at risk here. Like Mr. Garrison said, if a child molester wants to have sex with a kid that bad, he'll find a way to do it, whatever the cost and to hell with the consequences. We need to look out for each other from now on, if we're ever going to survive. We need to protect one another if we want to protect ourselves.

Stan: That's a little hypocritical, isn't it, Craig?

Craig: Huh?

Stan: Telling us to look out for each other and protect one another. Just two days ago, you were bringing us together and telling us to kick Kyle's ass. You weren't looking out for Kyle. You were telling us to attack him.

Craig: Thuh... That was totally different and you know it. We had to make a stand against Kyle, his dad was molesting kids.

Stan: And Kyle? Was Kyle molesting kids? No. Kyle was a victim, just like us. He was in the same position as the rest of us, and we turned against him and made him the enemy, when we should've been protecting him, too. Protecting him... from the real sickos in this world. Not Kyle's dad, but the people Mr. Garrison was talking about, and the people that abducted Ike. Well I'm sorry, Craig, but I can't do what you're asking, because as far as I'm concerned, I don't have the right to. None of us here today have the right to, because we were given the chance to do that, but we chose not to. I... I turned against my best friend because of you and your stupid anti-Kyle campaign, and now he's lying in some hospital bed as good as dead, so I don't see why I should waste my time looking out for the rest of you, when the only one of us that really matters is all alone. (turns)

Craig: Where are you going?

Stan: Right now my best friend needs me. I'm going to do what I should've done a long time ago, and I'm going to run to him. I'm standing by him. Because I've learned an important lesson today, there are friends that you can trust, and friends you can't, and I'd rather have one good friend that I can trust, than have a bunch of judgemental assholes I can't stand. For the record, I believe that Kyle's dad is innocent too. Kyle knows his own father well enough to know if he's capable of child molestation. I should've wised up a lot sooner, but for some reason I didn't. But all that's gonna change from here on in. Kyle's the only person I care about, you guys can just go to hell. (leaves)

Cartman: Oh yeah?! Oh yeah?! Well, we don't need you either, hippie! Tell him, Craig.

Craig: ...ah, shut up, Cartman.

Cartman: What?!

Craig: He's right, gang. The way we've treated Kyle, we... we should be ashamed of ourselves. At the end of it all, he's just a kid, like us. And whether his dad did that stuff or not, Kyle isn't to blame. We can't judge him on what kind of a person his dad is. We have to judge him on what kind of a person he is. And Kyle's always been one of us, a regular, nice kid.

Clyde: Yeah.

Craig: Except for Cartman, he's an asshole.

Clyde: Yeah.

Cartman: Ay!

Token: Ah, man, I can't believe we beat that poor kid up.

Butters: We've behaved like a bunch of douchers.

Jimmy: Suh... Suh... So, thuh... this is what ruh... ruh... ruhuhuh... ruh... remorse feels like.

Timmy: (sadly) Timmah...

Craig: You guys, I... I think we all owe somebody an apology.

Cartman: You're damned right you do! But I forgive you if you promise not to call me an asshole again.

Craig: Shut up, Cartman, I'm talking about Kyle!

Cartman: What?! Screw Kyle!

Craig: Screw you! C'mon, gang!

(Cut to Hell's Pass Hospital, a room. Kyle is lying in bed, awake. Dr. Doctor walks in, followed by Stan.)

Dr. Doctor: Kyle. I found a little boy wandering the halls, I think he's here to see you.

Kyle: Huh?

Stan: Hey, dude.

Kyle: ...Stan.

Dr. Doctor: Well, I'll let you get on with it. Remember, Kyle, if you need anything, just call me.

Kyle: Thanks, doc.

Dr. Doctor: No problem. (leaves)

Stan: Hey, dude. You're looking well. How're you feeling?

Kyle: How do you think? Why did you do it to me, Stan? Why didn't you stop them? They were kicking the shit out of me, and... you, you just stood there.

Stan: Dude, I know, I've been an asshole, but I'm really sorry. I... I didn't want it to get that ugly. It's just...

Kyle: Stan, let me ask you something, do you know how scared I was that day? Do you know how terrified I was, thinking that I was going to die?

Stan: Kyle, I-

Kyle: Let me finish. Do you know what it feels like to be beaten, not being able to defend yourself, not being able to do anything to stop the pain because you're overpowered in a way that you've never been before? You know that you can't hit back, you're defenceless against the onslaught. All you can do is close your eyes, pretend that it isn't happening, and pray to God that it ends quickly before the pain becomes too unbearable to handle. Because that's how it feels, Stan. It's the worst feeling in the world. And when you know that it could've been avoided-

Stan: Kyle-

Kyle: No! I'm talking here! I'm telling you how it felt, Stan! What's the matter?! Can't handle it?! Try going through it, then you'll know!!! You'll know how it fucking feels to be that frightened, knowing you might not even see another day, knowing that you might die!!! Try going through it, Stan!!!

Stan: (teary-eyed) Dude, please, stop!

Kyle: I wanted them to stop, too. I cried, deep in my mind. I pleaded with them to stop, in here. But they wouldn't. They kept beating me. And you, you let them!

Stan: Dude, I wanted them to stop.

Kyle: Bullshit! If you wanted them to stop, you could've said something! But you said nothing, Stan! You let them beat the shit out of me and did nothing!

Stan: I know...

Kyle: Then why?

Stan: You... You don't know the pressure they put me under. They threatened to kick my ass if I so much as looked at you.

Kyle: That's peer pressure, Stan, something that you should never give in to. If you give in to peer pressure, then you end up getting yourself involved in all sorts of problems. Alcohol, drugs, theft, all sorts of bad stuff. And of course, violence.

Stan: Kyle, I was an idiot, I know that, but I'm trying to make up for it now. I learned the hard way that shunning people and giving in to peer pressure is wrong, but I'm trying to put things right again.

Kyle: After this, I'm not sure things can ever be right again.

(Stan gasps. Craig walks in.)

Craig: Thank God, it took forever to find you. He's in here, guys.

Kyle: Aah! You!!!

(Cartman, Kenny, Butters, Tweek, Clyde, Token, Pip, Kevin, Timmy, Jimmy, Wendy and Bebe walk in.)

Kyle: Get away from me, all of you! I'll scream, I swear!

Craig: Relax, Kyle. We're not here to kill you. We're here.. to apologize.

Cartman: Yeah, but don't expect anything from me, 'cause I still hate your Jewish ass. In fact, I don't even know why I came here. Oh yeah, the vending machine. I'll catch you assholes later. (leaves)

Craig: Dickhead. Anyway, Kyle, uh, none of us are really good with apologizing and stuff, so we'll keep this short and to the point. Wuh... We're all really sorry for what we did to you and for the way we treated you this week. Oh, and for condemning your dad, too. We learned that you have to get all the facts before you make your verdict. We know it may take a while for you to forgive us, if you can even forgive us, but we hope that we can all be friends again and go back to the way things were before when you get better, and blank this out of our minds forever and never speak of it again. Uh, if we can all do that, that is.

Kyle: Like I said to Stan, I don't know if things between us can ever be the same again. You guys were supposed to be my friends. I can understand Cartman treating me like that, but I expected better from the rest of you. If all it takes for you to get pissed off with me is someone I'm related to doing something, or in this case, not doing something, that you disagree with, then that doesn't say much about our friendship.

Craig: Well, only you know if you can put this behind you. We just all hope that you can, 'cause it'd be a damn shame to lose a friend as cool as you. Get well soon, Kyle. See ya, Stan. C'mon, guys. (he and his friends leave)

Stan: So, this is it? After nine years, this is how it must end?

Kyle: You brought it on yourself, Stan.

Stan: Dude, please, isn't there any way you can learn to forgive me for ditching you?

Kyle: I'm not saying that we can never be friends again, Stan. Even though you've hurt me, I can't picture life not being your friend. I'm just saying that... things between us probably won't ever be like they were and I don't think I'll be able to trust you like I used to.

Stan: You're right. I've brought it all on myself. I did this to us. And even if you actually can forgive me, I don't think I can forgive myself. I've been a right bastard.

Kyle: I'm not gonna argue with you. Right now, I have more important things to worry about, what with my dad's court case.

Stan: Oh yeah, and your little brother's abduction.

Kyle: Yeah, and my little brother's abduction. Wait, what?!

Stan: He was abducted, like, yesterday. Didn't your mom tell you?

Kyle: No. She never did. Oh my God, Ike's been abducted? Whuh... Why wouldn't she tell me something like that?

(Cut to Hell's Pass Hospital, a room, later. Kyle is lying in bed with his arms crossed, frowning. Mrs. Broflovski walks in.)

Mrs. Broflovski: Hello there, bubby. How're you doing today?

Kyle: Why didn't you tell me, Ma?

Mrs. Broflovski: I'm sorry?

Kyle: About Ike. Why didn't you tell me?

Mrs. Broflovski: Kyle, I...! How do you know about that??

Kyle: It doesn't matter how I know. All I wanna know is why you kept it from me.

Mrs. Broflovski: Kyle, I... I'm trying to do the best thing for everyone considering the circumstances. I'm just trying to keep everything together.

Kyle: By lying to me? Haven't I been through enough these past few days?

Mrs. Broflovski: Yes, and that's why I didn't say anything. You've been through so much, and the last thing you need is more stress. You need to get better, and I figured that'd be impossible if you knew that your brother was missing.

Kyle: Alright, I guess I can understand that, but I had a right to know. Do you have any idea where he is?

Mrs. Broflovski: Not a one. The police are doing their best, but frankly, their best is pathetic. I've been looking too, but nothing. No one's seen anything of Ike for almost two days. I never should've left him in the "trusting" hands of that druggie babysitter.

Kyle: My God, this must be the worst week of our lives. First Dad, then me, and now Ike. It makes me wonder what's gonna happen next.

Mrs. Broflovski: Kyle, listen, Ike's going to turn up, I just know it. It's just a question of when. And you, you'll be out of here soon, and then we can start being a family again.

Kyle: No, we can't. We'll never be a family... until Dad's home.

Mrs. Broflovski: Well, that depends on how things go in court. But don't worry about that, because I have a feeling that justice will prevail.

(Cut to Stan's house, Stan's room. Stan is lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Mr. and Mrs. Marsh are watching him, through the door.)

Mrs. Marsh: I'm worried about him, Randy. All he's been doing since he came back from the hospital yesterday is lying in bed, staring into thin air. Maybe we should call a doctor.

Mr. Marsh: He doesn't need a doctor, Sharon. He's been rejected by his best friend. No doctor can cure that.

Mrs. Marsh: Oh dear, poor Stan...

Mr. Marsh: Poor Stan?? It's his own fault. He should never have shunned his best friend like that. What kind of asshole would do that?

Mrs. Marsh: Remind me, Randy, how often have you gone to visit Gerald in prison?

Mr. Marsh: This isn't about me, Sharon.

(The doorbell rings.)

(Cut to the living room. Mr. and Mrs. Marsh answer the front door. It's Mr. and Mrs. McCormick.)

Mr. McCormick: Hey, Randy. Gerry's due in court today. Wanna go watch 'em throw the book at him with me and the wife?

Mr. Marsh: Okay.

Mrs. Marsh: Randy!

Mr. Marsh: Oh, alright. Look, Stuart, I'll come to court with you, but I'm not going to persecute Gerry anymore. You see, he's a friend, and friends deserve to be treated with respect. And I know you think a lot of Gerry, too. We should be supporting him, not hanging him out to dry.

Mr. McCormick: Goddammit, Randy, you're right. You always were the sensible one. Let's go support our friend.

Stan: (standing behind Mr. and Mrs. Marsh) I wanna come too.

Mrs. Marsh: Huh?

Stan: What? I have to support my friend too. He needs me.

Mr. Marsh: Good for you, son. Well, come on, everybody, there's a family right now that needs to know we care.

(Cut to Park County Courthouse. Everyone is seated in their rightful place, awaiting the verdict for the charges against Mr. Broflovski.)

Judge: Mr. Broflovski, you have been found guilty of pedophilia.

Mrs. Broflovski: Oh, God!

Kyle: No.

Judge: Taking into account your previous record and good character reference, I have decided to be lenient in sentencing you, however, I understand that this is still a very serious crime. Therefore, I sentence you to eight months in prison. Also, to ensure a close eye is kept on you upon your release your name will be registered with the Sex Offenders Register.

Mr. Marsh: Oh, no.

Mrs. Marsh: Sheila...

Mr. Broflovski: Please, Your Honor, I... I didn't do it. You have to believe me.

Judge: Take him down.

Mrs. Broflovski: Gerald!

Kyle: No. You can't do this to my dad! He's innocent!

Judge: Innocent, he may be. But he has been found guilty in a court of law, and nothing anyone says will change that verdict.

(The doors swing open and Jodie bursts in.)

Jodie: Kyle!

Kyle: Jodie!

Judge: What the...?!

Mrs. Marsh: Oh my God, that little girl is naked!

Craig's Father: They were telling the truth all along!

Kyle: What are you doing here??

Jodie: I came as soon as I heard about your dad. I'm so sorry for any trouble I might have caused.

Mrs. Broflovski: Oh, it doesn't matter, dear! Just you being here is enough to cancel out every bad thing that's happened here recently! Now then, Mr. Judge, this young lady is Jodie Winters, my son's girlfriend, and I think you'll find that if you check that photographic evidence, you'll see that she's the exact same girl in those pictures, proving that she is who we said she was. And if you find that she is that same girl, then all charges against my husband must be dropped.

Judge: I don't need to do that. No girl of that age would ever walk around like that unless she really was a nudist. Based upon this late breaking development, I therefore drop all charges against Mr. Broflovski and insist he be released with a full apology. Oh, hell, give him a thousand dollars, too, to compensate for all the emotional stress and trama he's suffered in prison. (bangs his gavel) Case dismissed.

Kyle: Wow! We get money, too?!

Mr. Broflovski: Geez, a thousand dollars? I almost feel glad I went through all that pain in the ass butt sex!

Cartman: Goddammit! I can't believe this! Only Kyle and his gayass family could go through all that bullcrap and come out of it smelling of roses! Jesus tap-dancing Christ!

Mrs. Broflovski: Wait, wait, this is all well and good, but what about my poor Ike? I won't be able to relax until he's found, safe and well.

Kyle: Yeah, Ike's still missing.

Jodie: Ike's not missing and he never was.

(Ike bounces in, happily. He jumps into Mrs. Broflovski's arms.)

Mrs. Broflovski: Ike!

Ike: Banana!

Jodie: He arrived at my grandparents in Michigan a few days ago. I don't know how, but he managed to find out where they lived and came to find me. He explained through various newspaper reports about Mr. Broflovski's predicament and brought me back here straight away. Of course, my dad gave us a ride here, but I don't know how the hell Ike made it from Colorado to Michigan in a matter of days. He must have a bunch of contacts somewhere, but whatever, you have a really smart brother, Kyle.

Kyle: I know. And not just that, but a totally awesome family. And now that everything's back to normal, we can start living again.

Mr. Broflovski: We can start tonight. I'm taking you all out for burgers!

Kyle & Jodie: Hurray!

Ike: Cookie Monster!

Stan: Wait, is that it?

Kyle: Huh?

Stan: After everything that's happened, you're just going to forget it all and act like normal?

Kyle: I don't see why not, Stan. There's no point in dwelling on things, that way no one would ever move on.

Stan: Oh. Well, does that mean we're best friends again, too?

Kyle: (casually) Yeah, okay.

Mr. Broflovski: (to Mr. Marsh and Mr. McCormick) Yeah, and I'm going to blank out the fact that you guys didn't give a rat's ass about me through this whole experience, too.

Mr. Marsh: Isn't it great when things can be easily resolved without having to wait weeks and weeks for the conclusion?

Mr. McCormick: Yeah.

(Closing Credits)

End of Pedophilia