Sunday May 11th 2008

A dozen or so folk turned out on a warm, sunny morning for Lance's run to the Thundersprint at Northwich. We set off from the Keel at 8.30am and the sun was beating down on Barnsley.

We had a quick run over Woodhead and into Glossop where we met up with John and some friends of Vics. Then it was off to Whaley Bridge where we lost about 5 riders due to a mix up. They went a different way whilst the majority followed Lance  to Macclesfield and Knutsford, before we arrived at Northwich about 11am. The town was packed with bikes but Lance found a good parking spot. After distributing a load of leaflets we went to McDonalds for some snap and the others met us there. Then it was off down the street to the Thundersprint. The sun was blazing and sun hats, baseball caps and knotted hankies were the order of the day. John threatened to put on his shorts. We did a tour of the new bike stands and tried a few for size.

Here's Malc trying some Japanese heavy metal.

The show was very crowded so we made our way round the paddock to look at the entrants in the Thundersprint. There were loads of interesting bikes.

More 'Show With Go' leaflets were handed out then we did another tour of the stands and stalls. Some went to watch the racing. We watched the Spitfire flypast then made our way back through the crowds to the bikes.

We set off back in glorious sunshine and followed Lance back by roughly the same route (apart from a close encounter with Warrington  ). We had a good fast run over Woodhead and got back to Barnsley in time for tea.

A good day out, parking and entrance were free! -Owww Much??????

C.

Sunday 4th May 2008

A well attended run this one. Roy took the lead on his new Fazer 1000. We set off at 8am and headed towards Kilnhurst and Maltby. The weather was good for a change.

We headed into Lincolnshire by various roads to avoid 'Speed Trap Alley' into Gainsborough. Then we went down the A156 past Torksey and onto the A17. We stopped for a cup of tea and a bacon sarnie just before Sleaford. The weather remained fine. We set off again and as we were leaving the A17 bypass to get onto the A153 we encountered a complete idiot in a blue Fiesta who seemed to think his car was a bike and drove it accordingly. After this interlude we arrived at Tattershall Castle. We parked up and made our way past the church to the castle. As we arrived at the gate the Barnsley anthem rang out....."Owww Much?". A fee of £4.70 each was deemed to be too much by popular vote and we turned about and went to view the home made cakes on sale in the nearby church.

After this culinary delight we set off for Woodhall Spa. We parked up next to the Police station where a community constable was washing his panda (ahh) but he couldn't be persuaded to wash the bikes. Those not on a diet purchased huge ice creams, then it was back on the bikes again.

We had a good run up past Wragby and onto the A631 at Market Rasen. Just before Caenby Corner we had a bit of a glitch when some other riders got mixed up with the run, but we all met up again at the cafe the other side of Gainsborough.

We came back via Misterton, Haxey and Donny and then it started to rain.

Got back around 3pm. A good, enjoyable run.

C.

Saturday 3rd May 2008

At Lincolnshire Aviation Heritage Centre, East Kirkby.

We set off at 8am on a glorious Saturday morning in Barnsley. A lot turned out considering the short notice of this run. Ron led and we set off for Conisborough where we picked up Ian and then to Bawtry where chaingang was waiting with his Honda 400/4. Then we went to Gainsborough, Middle Rasen, Wragby and Horncastle. The sun was out and we had a good run. We arrived at East Kirkby about 10am and parked up while 'Show with Go' leaflets were handed out. Then we paid our entrance fee which went to the Air Ambulance Fund. We were each given a number to stick on the bikes and we went in to the centre. There were uggins of bikes already there. More leaflets were handed out in the sunshine.

We had a good wander round and looked at the bikes on show. Then at 11am it was time for the 'Wolds Run'.  Ivy, Chaingang and me went on the run. It was a scenic route through the Lincolnshire wolds (as the name suggests). Halfway round we stopped at 'The Green Man' pub where a barbecue was held. The village quickly filled up with bikes. Chaingang carried on the route but Ivy and I stayed for some barbecue fodder and very nice too.

We set off back to the airfield, where we looked round the museum. Lancaster "Just Jane" was sitting outside the hangar and we had a good look round. About 1.30pm they taxied the Lanc down the runway, the sound of those 4 Rolls Royce Merlins was incredible. (See Videos 2)

Time for another look at the bikes, there were hundreds on show. Then the Lincs & Notts Air Ambulance flew in and landed next to the bikes. (See Videos 2). I think they must have got a sizeable donation judging from the number of bikes on the 'Wolds Run'. So well done to the organisers and all who attended.

We set off for home, returning by more or less the same route we had followed to the event. The sun stayed out and a good day was had by all.

Bikers -put this event on your calendar for next year - excellent.

C.

Sunday April 27th 2008

We set off from The Keel at 8am sharp. It was raining, but not cold. Malc led the way. We had a swift run over The Strines and through the Derbyshire Dales to the Buxton - Ashbourne road. From there into Ashbourne, past Darley Moor and on to Uttoxeter. There were a lot of bikes from Uttoxeter onwards, all heading for Stafford Showground.

We arrived at 10am and parked up. 'Show with Go' leaflets were unceremoniously thrust at any passing biker in the park, then it was into the Classic Bike Show for a £9 entrance fee.

As we toured the exhibits the sun came out  and we had a good day browsing round the stands, though I never did find that clutch nut for a GPZ550 that I was looking for. We had dinner in the Barn Cafe and then back to browsing. There was plenty to see and, if I hadn't been on the bike, I would have come back with a shed load of stuff.

We had a good ride back in nice dry weather through Uttoxeter, Ashbourne, Bakewell and back over the Strines. Back home in time for tea.

Altogether a very good day out. Even the weather cheered up, despite all the 'doom laden' weather forecasts the night before.

C.

April 2008

'THE IRISH ROVERS'

Thursday 

We set off at 8.30am from Ron's house. There were six of us on various bikes:- Honda GB500, Honda XBR500, BMW ST1100, Kawasaki GPZ500s, Suzuki SV650s and Suzuki DL1000. The weather wasn't bad but rain threatened. Tucking our passports and our euros in a pocket, off we rode through the Barnsley rush hour and made our way over Woodhead, through Manchester and onto the M56 to North Wales. We stopped at a Little Chef for a bite and a cuppa then pushed on to Holyhead but before we got there it siled down. Daves XBR faltered and stopped just over the Menai Bridge but a spot of WD cured it and it ran sweetly after that.

 Holyhead Ferry Terminal

We caught the 2pm ferry to Dublin. With the bikes safely strapped down below decks we made ourselves comfy in the lounge for the 4 hour crossing. Ron explored the shops and thus began the famous 'Malteser Incident' which involved Ron and Ian and is a story in itself. Dave kept us amused with his vast repertoire of jokes and anecdotes. The time flew by and we arrived in Dublin at 5.30pm.

Just in time for the rush hour. The weather was sunny as we weaved through the traffic led by Ron. It took ages to get even a few hundred yards and we got cut up by buses, lorries, taxis and even scooters as everyone rushed to get out of the city. We got petrol which was slightly cheaper than the UK. We rode down the M4 motorway and Ron sorted out the tolls, which were 1.40 euros for bikes. Then onto the N6 dual carriageway. We made good time on our run across the emerald isle. We stopped at a bar in Moate for refreshments. The landlady kindly lent us her mobile phone because none of us could get a signal. We set off on the last leg to Loughrea. As it went dark the rain moved in and we had a wet, dark ride to our destination. We got to Loughrea about 9pm and met up with Gary who showed us to the B&B -'The Old Mill Weir' on the main street of the town. Me and our lass stayed there and the others went on to Garys house. The owner of the B&B opened some big gates so we could get the bikes off the street. The lady of the house gave us tea and biscuits. We hung our sodden gear on the radiator and retired for the night serenaded by the water running over the weir outside the window. We had ridden halfway across England, right across Wales and most of the way across Ireland in 12 hours.

Friday

Got up in time for a huge Irish breakfast which set us up for the day. Ron arrived at 10am to show us the way to Garys. At least it wasn't raining. In Garys well stocked garage everyone was busy adjusting and lubeing their chains except Clive who wore the 'Smile of Shaft Drive Satisfaction', the lucky fella. We met Garys family and had some refreshments. John arrived on his Yamaha Dragstar and, led by him and Gary on his Yamaha XT, we set off for Galway. The back roads were very muddy and construction lorries travelling at full speed kept our attention focussed. It was very busy in Galway and as we suddenly made a sharp right U turn off a roundabout I realised I'd lost Ron and Clive. We hung around a bit but they didn't appear. We followed John on the R336 coast road which wound round Galway bay.  As we were passing through a small village what did we see but Ron and Clives bikes parked outside a pub. Inside the pair were warming themselves in front of a blazing fire and eating scones. After refreshments we set off up the R336 to Maum. We had a very fast run over the mountains. Ron & Ivy took off round the twisty mountain road to Leenane and they left us all behind. We got to the Hotel about 4pm. There were a lot of Irish motorbikes in the car park.  Dinner was at 7.30pm. It was very 'Cordon Bleu' (what no mushy peas?). During the dessert course the waitress brought in a big slice of cheesecake with a lit candle on it for Ivy and we all sung 'Happy Birthday'. The diners in the restaurant applauded so it must have been good. This was arranged by Ron, I think, anyway Ivy was tickled pink. The wine and Guinness flowed and we had a thoroughly good night.

Saturday

Breakfast was 9am then we set off for Newport on the N59. We had a good run up to Westport and Newport then back down by the R335 to Killadangan where we stopped for refreshments at the foot of the Pilgrims path up Croag Patrick. We rode back by twisty, near deserted roads over the Sheeffry Hills and stopped for a photo opportunity near Mweelrea amid snow capped peaks.

 Sheeffry Hills

Then we made our way back to Leenane as the weather closed in. Dinner was at 7.30pm and we retired to the lounge afterwards. Around 10.30pm Ron espied a man enter the bar carrying a guitar and amplifier, he was off like lightning, muttering something about Guinness, he disappeared into the bar with Dave (John following later). The rest of us retired for the night. The three folk singers were up til 3am singing with the locals. Ron later joked that they spent an hour and a half listening to Irish republican songs, so he got up and gave them a rendition of that anthem of the Yorkshire Freedom Fighters -'On Ilkley Moor Bart At'. (Though I believe he actually sang 'Black Velvet Band'.)

West of Leenane

Sunday

Breakfast at 9am (very nice too). We said goodbye to John, our Irish guide, who set off for home. We paid, packed and set off for Loughrea. It was sunny. We headed West from Leenane and along the rocky Connemara coast to Clifden and Ballyconneely where the road became a farm track. Gary was volunteered to speak to a farmer (who was busy dehorning a cow) on the basis that, with living in Ireland, he could understand the accent,  but something must have been lost in translation because Gary came back and said "the farmer says the road gets better", but I suspect the farmer actually said "Sure, the road gets wetter" because as we carried on down the twisty track it suddenly disappeared into the sea! We retraced our steps and went by a more direct route to Maam Cross and Maum where we stopped at a pub for coffee. We visited 'The Quiet Man' cottage at Cong (of John Wayne fame). We went round Lough Corrib and back to Garys house for a smashing tea courtesy of Joan.

Monday

Up at 7.15am, another lovely Irish breakfast at 8am. Bikes out and ready when the others arrived at 9am then it was a sad farewell to Loughrea and on the road to Dublin. Gary accompanied us for a way then we said our goodbyes and he turned for home. We rode on to Tyrellspass where, on entering the Hotel, we were confronted by 'The Two Rons'. 

 The Two Rons

Coffee and scones followed and then we set off to Dublin. We arrived about 1pm for the 2.30 Seacat.

 At Dublin Ferryport

The high speed crossing wasn't as smooth as the ferry but Ron showed off his 'sealegs' as the deck heaved. He returned from the shop with a huge box of Maltesers for Ian. There then followed a long debate as to whether to open them or save them for later. Unfortunately Ian handed them to Ivy who promptly ripped open the box and ate a handful, thus solving the conundrum. The Seacat got into Holyhead at 4.30pm. We filled up with petrol near Bangor and headed for home. We had a slight diversion just before the M56 when Clives shortcut led us through the delightful aromas   of Ellesmere Port chemical works to the services on the M56. Then back through Manchester, over Woodhead and finally the lights of Barnsley appeared on the horizon. We got in at 9pm. Total journey was over 1000 miles (including ferries.) Nearly 900 on the bikes.

We really enjoyed the trip to Ireland, a lot of hard riding, great roads, great companions and great fun.

Special thanks to Gary, Joan & family for their hospitality, to John for guiding us in Ireland and finally to Ron for organising the whole thing.

Would we do it all again?.......How about tomorrow!

C.

Sunday 23rd March 2008

' Winter Wonderland ' (as in -"I wonder if this run will be on?")

Easter Sunday - I looked out of the curtains at 6.45am and everywhere was white! Yes, Barnsley was under a few inches of snow. Got the bike out and went for petrol at 7.45am. The roads were bad, snow and slush everywhere. Made my way to The Keel for 8.15am, no one there, which is a bad sign.

Ali rode past at 8.25 on his way to get petrol - does nothing stop these Transalps?  He returned and we stood waiting til about 10 to 9. Ali rang Malc only to find that he was snowed in!

We got on our trusty snowploughs and rode home.

Pity really, cos it was bright sunshine by the time Steves email got through saying the run was off.

Ah well, maybe next year.

C.

Sunday 2nd March 2008

'Blowin in the Wind'

Phil, Lance, Ian, Tim & Me were the 'windswept wanderers' who turned out for this Mothers Day spectacular. The weather was warmish and fairly sunny for this time of year, but the wind was terrible ( I knew those sprouts were a bad idea  ).  70 mph gusts swept Yorkshire as we set off from the Keel at 9am. Once we got going though it wasn't too bad, the sun came out and Tim set a good pace to Askern, Selby and up the A19 to the A64. We turned onto the A166 in blazing sunshine. Lances foot kept shooting out as the wind buffetted us but no one had any serious trouble staying on the road, in fact it was quite entertaining.   We stopped at Fridaythorpe cafe. There were about 15 bikes there and some hardened cruiser rider had come out on a brand new 08 reg Harley!  (bearing in mind he could only have got it yesterday).

Tea duly supped, off we went to Wetwang (ooh er  ) then a fast spin down great roads to Howden, Goole, Crowle and into Donny. Quick stop for petrol for Tim & me then a good fast run back to Barnsley. Back home by 1pm for dinner - sorted.

Really enjoyed it, a good run out.

C

Sunday 17th February 2008

'Sub Zero Excursion'

It was minus 5 degrees in Barnsley and six bold 'Brass Monkey Runners' turned out for Malcs 9am run from The Keel. Lance and Ali set their heated  grips to 'FRY' and off we went.  Malc in the lead followed by Rob, Me, Ivy and the 2 Transalps. A quick tour of the town to celebrate the Tykes win at Anfield  and then off to Wakefield via back roads. The sun was doing it's best but the frost wasn't melting. Luckily the roads weren't bad. Malc found a slippy bit and had a 'moment' but generally the roads were dry. The main problem was 'steaming up' of visors and spectacles. We went through Normanton and my hand was resting on the cylinder head by now. We stopped to look at the big digger and Lance and Ali mentioned that their fingers were burning  with the heated grips!

After a tour of South and West Yorkshire we rolled into Squires at Sherburn in bright sunshine. There were more bikes there than I expected for 10.30 on a freezing Sunday. We had a leisurely tea break. It was glorious in the sunshine but the frost was still around.

We set off Northward and made our way, by mostly back roads, to Wetherby for petrol. Then over the A1 towards Rufforth, down to Tadcaster and back home via Sherburn and Pontefract. We got back about 12.45 in time for dinner....sound!

An enjoyable morning run.

C.

Sunday 10th February 2008

'McDonalds Raid'

9am Keel Inn Barnsley, a cold and frosty morning, 12 bikes and 13 folk turned out!... it's the middle of February are they mad? No, but it certainly helps.

Off we go, a couple of circuits of Stairfoot roundabout (I could have sworn Lance went up Ardsley, honest ) then off to South Elmsall, Askern and Selby area. The roads were icy in a few places but mostly nice and dry. Roy and Chaingang  wanted to get back for their dinners so they turned back. The sun was shining and it began to warm up. Lance was setting a good pace up front as we rode down empty country lanes. As we neared Driffield we saw lots of bikes heading for the coast.

We got into Bridlington and all managed to get parked at the harbour, but it was a tight squeeze. Then it was a short walk in blazing sunshine to McDonalds for some tea and snap.

Lance & Ian had noticed that McDs had an offer on to get free drinks, so there followed a search for vouchers on used cups and Malc was persuaded to go downstairs and claim the prize as he was the youngest looking      He returned with a trayful of free coffees, thus upholding the traditions of the club.

Then it was down to the harbour for some sunbathing...

Just like summer!

A steady ride home on back roads through Sledmere and Fridaythorpe, skirting round York and down to Cawood and Sherburn. Through Pontefract and back t' Tarn. Home for 3.15pm.

A good day out t'seaside and free coffees too!

C

Sunday 27th January 2008

'A Blast Round The Backroads Of Derbyshire'

We met at The Keel at 8.30am. It was overcast but not raining for a change. A good turnout, there were 8 bikes in all. Ron and the GB500 section was out in force. Roy led the way to Sheffield then up Grenoside and across to Bradfield. Lots of narrow lanes and tight corners.  Then Clive led out onto the A57 and down to Ladybower.  Bamford, Hathersage and Grindleford slipped by and we arrived in Calver before turning up the A623 to Stoney Middleton. Finding the cafe closed, Ron led, by narrow byways, to Castleton. Then up over the pass and Mam Tor and down a very steep, narrow and extremely bumpy track into Edale. Bottomed out suspension was the order of the day  .

Time for a tea stop........................

We piled in and Ian kindly bought all the teas only to be inundated with coins as we all gave him our loose change.

" I'm only on a 500 single, it'll never pull up the hills with all this change in me pockets" he joked.  

Toast and toasted tea cakes followed, then it was off again en route for Chapel via the roof of the world. Clive was back in the lead. Once we got to Glossop Roy took over for a run up Woodhead, Holme Moss and Holmfirth. The sun came out! Then a quick run back t' Tarn in time for dinner. Job's a gud 'un.

C

Sunday 16th December 2007

A freezing cold morning in Barnsley and at 9am outside The Keel Inn three intrepid bikers turned up for Ian's cafe run.

Who were 'The Frozen Few'?

Well, Ian, Lance and me.

Lance was on his 'new' immaculate Transalp. Ian was on his Yam and me on me old Bandit 600.

"Where are we going?" I asked Ian.

"East" came the reply.

So we duly set off in that direction. Tesco had sold out of petrol so we stopped at the garage at top of Cat Hill. Then off we went to Donny. It was freezing cold and wet but bright enough. Through Arksey and Barnby Dun over the motorway and back the way we'd just come......er a satnav malfunction or summat I think..

I was warming me hands on the cylinder head by now.

Down the A614 to Bawtry, then through the speed camera infestations on the A631 to Gainsborough.

We stopped at Rosies Cafe. Lance's thumb was frozen solid. The bikes were covered in grey salt sludge. We went inside the empty cafe and surrounded the radiator.

Ian bought the teas!  .......Nice one!

Several hours later, when we had warmed through, we set off again.

The roads were drying out but it was still flippin cold.

Back via Retford and into Donny to Cusworths where we were treated to free teas! ....HOW MUCH??? 

We looked at lots of nice shiny bikes. Then we set off home.

Got back about 1pm in time for dinner.

A good run in freezing conditions, I really enjoyed it.

C

Captain Framgasket and the Copper Slip Cowboy

Or -The Afternoon of the Non Riders

Or -Loitering in Lay-Bys

A tale of spanners, screwdrivers, bits of borrowed wire, and laughs at someone else’s expense

We’d had a really good run out that morning. Vic had taken us to a café somewhere in the west, don’t know if it was wild we didn’t stop to ask, and then to a pub run by bikers for bikers. Before showing us the Para gliders on the hills. That was a sight that will stay with me for a while, all those people jumping off the cliff with a tea towel over their head, and not one of them was pushed, but quite why all those medical people were there I’m not sure. All of this to a back drop of aeroplanes banking overhead as they left Manchester Airport. Happy day!

There I was sat at the table with the last tattie going south with the rest of my dinner, when the phone rang.

“Are you busy?” ” “Eyoup I’ve just got back from Vic’s run.” “O I wondered if you fancied a little gentle flat back roading?”

“Who was that?” the all knowing one wanted to know. “Just the Captain wanting a wing man.” “You’d better take that look off your clock and get going then.”

Well that was it, the leathers were still body warm as I pulled them back on, and Brian was eager to go having seen Tapau return with me earlier.

I tickled the tyres with the pressure gauge put a finger in the oil tank calculated that all was well and we were offski.

We’d arranged to meet to my west and the Captains east, a kind of east meets west you may say, in a lay by on the A638.

He’s got a faster bike than me and so was there when I rolled up. he must have been there for a while as the 650 Gold Star Fire Flash was being morphed into ever smaller pieces as the Captain persevered in searching for the cause of the Basel spinning on the one eyed headlight, by taking more and more bits off.

Then when he thought he’d found the anti spinner on the headlight cover and switched it to “off.” The rebuild commenced. From afar the rebuild consisted in essence of pushing everything back into the headlight shell, whether that was its usual home or not. I was so reminded of case packing for holidays, you’ve see them on the telly, get everything out of the wardrobe throw it in the direction of the suit case, fold it down as much as you can then sit on the case.

Note to self, don’t go shopping with the Captain the eggs and squashables will all be in the bottom of the bag. I know better than that, Lance showed me the Asda way.

When most of the wires were back in the shell and just a few were left poking out I was enlisted to push on the headlight lens to hold it in place while the Captain screwed the whole issue together. As I manfully wrestled the reluctant product from the “Prince of Darkness” (Joe Lucas) into place, I must admit I enjoyed the exertion and the sense of satisfaction one derives from bonding in team working, comfortable in the knowledge that my dingy was floating or might I say my chrome bits weren’t spinning.

Then the task was complete, the Captain in his open face lid threw his leg over as did I but I was on another bike, we kicked in unison, Brian answered and barked at the trees behind us while the Captain kicked his lonely kick-start, no reward for him.

I returned Brian to the centre stand and joined the Captain in swearing at the recumbent bike. “Well it got you here, what have you done to it?”  “I’ve only taken the headlight off!” He protested, and with that he turned off the petrol put the choke on turned the ignition off and then on again, turned around twice with his eyes closed, and stamped his left foot in the time honoured ritual of BSA starting. Five minutes later the Captain was rewarded with cramp in his right calf with kicking but little else. After a rest the exertion resumed this time five kicks resulted in a blow back through the carburettors, this made a big cloud of petrol vapour, the kind that heralds the arrival of the genie in the pantomime. It caught you in the back of the throat too, and no cough sweets to take the taste away.

“I wonder if there is a spark?” And that was it, more spanners appeared. My spanners joined his for I’ve had loose nuts, and we found one that would remove the spark plug. We were right, there was no spark, we didn’t want to be right on this occasion, but we were.

“You must have disturbed something in the headlight shell when you turned the anti spinner switch off.” “I’ll bet you’re right, let’s have a look then.” So the head light came off again, I’m sure it gave a sigh of relief as the Basel came away from the shell. Investigation found that the wire had been prised off the ammeter. “That is a bad factory connection, you’d not find that on a Honda.” The Captain touched the wire on to its former home and the needle flickered. Yes nurse we have a pulse, and a spark at the spark plug, so we screwed the plugs in a very tight finger tight, just in case. Then while the Captain firmly pressed the wire on the connection I was invited to kick the engine over with the ignition turned on. We were rewarded with combustion in the cylinders smoke from the exhaust and the Captain had goodness knows how much spare electricity passed through him as he was holding the connection together, and became a very efficient earth. I know my schoolboy physics and electrickery is famous for taking the line of least resistance, and the Captain is famous for not offering resistance, see “Barnsley Bikers in Boston Burger Bar Bust Up!” -(below) Needless to say I was disappointed when I’d stopped laughing, and realised that in his pain and confusion the Captain had forgotten the prime objective of the wire joining i.e. to start the engine and had now allowed them to part and the bike stopped again. He did have a memento of the occasion that he was subsequently proud to show any one who doubted he wasn’t a rufty tufty biker, to wit an electrically induced flesh burn on his spin on it finger. Now he’ll have to be fingerprinted all over again.

Now we were out in the wilds of the country side known locally as Marr, the Spar shop was in down town Doncaster and we didn’t have a plaster between us. So I resorted to the cowboy trick of tearing up pieces of cloth that previously had stopped my whitworth pliers from scratching the inside of the side panel. These were them tied up around the soggy red digit as a bandage. It worked too it stopped the blood flow and his thumb went to sleep. 

While I was playing alfresco nurse for the first time in decades and the first time ever with a male Les turned up on his 900 Diversion. I remembered Les from the Barnsley Bike Festival. “What’s wrong” he wanted to know. “We’ve got a wire loose”  “Yes I remember you from the Barnsley Bike Festival, how’s the MZ?” I ignored him.

“A wire’s come off.” The Captain held up his imperial bandage.

“What’s that?”

“Ammeter bite” 

“How’d it do that?”

Then Les had a laugh. He took out a tissue wiped his eyes and pulled a length of wire from his tool kit. What a star. In a combined effort we joined the wires the Captain anointed all the joints with his damp bandage, a mighty heft on the kick start transformed the bike from a “tow home” to a living breathing thing eager for the road, but not with the headlight swinging like a tarts handbag. So the ignition was reluctantly turned off while the three of us reassembled the front of the bike and shared up the spanners again. I’ve now got a Swiss army knife I didn’t have before. That done Les wished us luck and went home; I think he didn’t want to give evidence if anything went wrong. Thanks Les the offer of a pint is still valid.

It was getting dark now, the opportunity for riding any distance was fading with the light. “What shall we do?”  “I’ll follow you to Darfield then return to base.” “OK, I’ll follow you.” So I led the Captain out on to the road, there was no traffic we had the road to ourselves. When we had climbed the rise on to the Hickleton Wolds the Captain regained his confidence in his BSA gold leaf spitback flash, or was he disturbed by the noise from Brian, and he came by me with a huge fly catching grin on his chops. Well if you think you can go faster than me just watch. I caught him at the church and stalked him down the hill. Then adopting a racing crouch I passed him on the Goldthorpe bypass. My pedal cycle digital speedo thought we were achieving 65 mph, I thought it was optimistic. I slowed for the second roundabout and allowed the Captain to repass me as I made a compete pigs ear of trying to slow down with the wrong levers again; the cornering technique has improving no end all the pedestrians were impressed I could tell. Then it was on to the Darfield roundabout. I completed two circuits like Apollo eleven to get the slingshot from the gravitational pull then I was off eastward again. The Captain must have been too close, and got caught in the vortex because I saw him in my shaky mirror follow me out of the roundabout back to Doncaster. I knew that we hadn’t planned to do laps so I stopped. The Captain congratulated me on the speed and noise from Brian. “It’s the loudest I’ve ever heard.”

We wished each other safe journey home and did just that.

“Have you had a nice ride?”

“Yes Thankyou.”

“Where did you go?”

“Just to Darfield.”

“That’s nice.”

What a nice weekend.

Do you think these motorbike thingies will catch on??

Cheers

Basil Smyth-Armstrong.

Burger Oddity - Summer BBQ

(best sung to the tune of space oddity by David Bowie, or maybe not sung, maybe just playing in the background or hummed quietly?)

Burger Control to Major Tim,

Burger Control to Major Tim,

Tell Val to get the onions on,

        The Barbys in the van, I wont be long.

10-9-8-7-6

Burger Control to Major Tim

    I’m at the Keel, the weathers not too grim.

5-4-3-2-1

I’ve pressed the ignition and the barby’s warming through.

I’m off inside the pub for a nice cold brew.

This is burger control to Major Tim

You need to get a rush on

The hungry bikers down here don’t think you care,

Its time to leave the house if you dare,

This is Major Tim to burger control

I’m stepping through the back door,

The burgers from Batley smell a peculiar way

Val says don’t worry, they’ll be o.k.

Here am I trying to heat up this Tin can,

Trying to light the grill,

It won’t light and there’s nothing I can do.

My eyebrows are scorched and the grill smells of poo

----ooOOOoo----

Instrumental break as Major Tim whips out his stylophone

----ooOOOoo----

Though we’ve cooked 100,000 burgers,

Lance and Roy still want more,

Tell Mechanic-Mick and Tina our veggieburgers need more heat on.

Lance is hungry, Andy’s sausage dog may get eaten,

Burger control to Major Tim

The BBQ’s on fire there’s something wrong

There’s flames licking around the brim

Can you hear me Major Tim. . .

Can you hear me Major Tim. . .

Can you hear me Major Tim?

----ooOOOoo----

Long instrumental fade out as Major Tim fumbles with his stylophone, accompanied by el Prez at Burger-control on his dick-to-phone.

----ooOOOoo----