Baby Asher

On my bad days, I like to write to my son, it comforts me and lets me feel like he is still with me as I remember him.

 

August 9, 2007

My dear son,

It has been so long since I have seen you, although I look at your pictures everyday it is not the same. Not a day goes by that I do not think of you, all of them are happy memories, of you in my belly and eating ice cream drenched in chocolate sauce and sprinkles just so you would kick like crazy. I look at your ultrasound pictues and remember how excited your daddy and I were. At the first one, I was so excited you were actually still in there and had a heartbeat(I was so scared after my miscarriage that I would lose you too!) and then your daddy joked around saying you didnt have any legs because we couldnt see them but at 13 weeks you cant see much (sorry to say you still looked kind of 'alien-ish'.) Then the next time we saw you was at almost 19 weeks. You looked perfect, we saw you kicking and it was strange because I couldnt feel you, but man your little legs were just motering. It was amazing I dont think I have ever seen something so wonderful. Then we found out you were a boy, and Im telling you baby, that as soon as your daddy and I were out of the office we were on the phone calling everyone, we were so excited to have a son!

I think its crazy that I could go from complete happiness one day and have my world stop the next. The day after that ultrasound we found out about your hernia, I couldnt breathe. I dont remember anything else about that day. I lost the appointment card somewhere and still havent found it. I dont know how i made it home I was crying so hard.

The day you left our family was very hard. The only thing that I wish I could change is that I was on to many pain meds. If I could do it again I wouldnt have had them, so my memories of you wouldnt be blurry. I still see your smile and it brings tears to my eyes. How was it possible for you to smile at me when you were already gone? I am so happy that you did, it let me know that wherever you are now, you are happy. I still dont understand how someone as little as you, and as perfect looking as you could have so much wrong on the inside.  I no longer feel like I gave up on you, when I learnt that both of your lungs were compressed I knew that even if  we did opt for surgery etc. there would be nothing at all to help you.

As we go on our trip to Vancouver, I am sad. I cant bring you with us, you are here in Saskatoon where you will rest for eternity. Its not supposed to be this way, I am not supposed to say goodbye to my baby, especially when we never really said hello. Just know that you will forever be with all of us, and that at nights when im upset your teddy brings me so much comfort. I will be bringing your teddy with us on our trip to keep him close to me all the time.

I know that you are watching over our family now and waiting for us to come to you. We will see you again my son, until then know that I love you more than ever. I hope you got the balloon I sent up to you! I love you my son!
~Love Mommy

 

August 11/07

My sweet boy,

I hope that you are ok! I know you are watching over me, and I feel like I am letting you down by being sad all the time. I am trying really hard to be happy again(to an extent) but you changed my life, all my plans...everything and now that you are gone I am completely lost. You were wanted so very much and now that you are gone I am left to pick up the pieces of a broken life.... my broken life. I feel badly that I have not made it to the cemetery yet to visit you, but please know that everysingle minute of every day you are in my mind and my heart. Last night was the first night in a long time that I looked through your memory box. It was so bittersweet, remembering the times we saw you on ultrasounds brought me so much joy and as I passed those pictures and moved onto the ones of you, your outfit and hat....it was confusing. I am so happy that I had you for as long as I did, that I got to hold you, hug you, love you and kiss you before we said our final goodbyes, but I am so mad that you had to leave us before you got to meet your daddy and big sister.

I miss you so much Asher...i wish you did not have to leave us! My whole world has been turned around and I cant get it back to normal.  I know you are in a better place, a place where you dont hurt and I know that you would have left us anyways since your lungs were so little they couldn't possibly have worked properly....but that doesnt mean anything to me. I am so mad that you were sick but I dont know who to be mad at. It wasnt genetic so I cant be mad at myself or your daddy....it just happened. Does that mean I have to be mad at God? Apparently he has a plan...that plan was to take you from me. It must be him who I am mad at then....but how can I be mad at someone/thing that I dont even know exists?

I wonder if you could feel how much I loved you when you were inside of me, and now if you can see how much I still love you. I hope so!

How I wish we were together right now, you kicking my tummy waiting to come out and meet your family...but that will never happen for a long long time. Keep watching over your daddy, sister and I, help us through this...

Love Mommy

 

August 27/2007

Hello my baby, I hope you are alright where you are! I miss you so much, words cannot even begin to explain. Your daddy, big sister and I just got home from our vacation and even though your teddy and blankie were with us, I still felt like I deserted you.  Now that we are home I feel much better. I looked through your box again last night, and today I watched the movie I made for you...both of which lead me to tears yet again.  Its funny to think that I should still be pregnant with you, anticipating your arrival in 2 short months, but that will never happen.  You will always be with me in my heart, but that still doesnt compare to where you should be...in my arms.

I miss you so much and love you more and more each day.

Love your mommy

 

September 11/07

Hey my little man! Sorry I havent written you in awhile, but that doesn't mean I havent thought of you....I do all day everyday! Lately I started your scrapbook and actually finished in in about 3 days! I thought it would take me longer, but I couldn't stop working on it until it was finished, so the whole weekend I worked on it all day. Yesterday I got a package in the mail from another angel mommy. She sent me a rock plaque that says "If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane I would walk up to heaven and bring you home again" and a little blue bear with a angel bracelet she made. "Angel Bear" as daddy and I call him came with a code that we could use on a website to name a star after you. We chose to have your star in the constellation Crux "the southern cross" because the image on the site was a kite and I like to think of you soaring in the sky with the wind, kind of like a kite does...even though we wont be able to find your star unless we are in the southern hemisphere! But your new teddy and the plaque are with your memory box, blankies, your other teddy, the candle your great-grandma hamm bought us and the flowers I bought for you yesterday all in the centre of the entertainment unit so everyone in our apartment will know just how special you are!! I am waiting for one more thing to come in the mail, a affirmation of life plaque. We already have on but they put your birthday wrong so they are making and sending us a new one so when I get that I am going to move your things onto the bookcase against the wall so the plaque will be with all of your other things!!

I have met so many angel mommies since we lost you and I hope that you have found their babies where you are. Jayce, Kaili, Arianna, Isabel, Hannah, Isabelle, Brayden, Hayley, and all the others are so special just like you Asher I hope you are all having fun playing with each other and watching over your mommies.

I still dont understand why you had to be sick and I am still so angry, but each day is a little easier as I am begining to understand that I will never know why. I get my 'down days' and it seems that each down day is much harder than the one before, infact this is my 3rd bad day in a row.....I want you here with me so bad, I love you so much and I dont want to have to wait to see you....you should still be here with me!!

You will always be my baby Asher and you will always have a special place in my heart that nobody can replace or take away. You are my first son and even though your not here, your memory will always be! For the rest of my life my 'Asher area' will forever be on display and anyone who asks will know of you!

****

Today I went and picked up your cremains from the funeral home. They were not going to bury you until spring and I had decided that if you werent already buried you would come home. I ordered your urn off of the internet and it should be here by the end of the week.  I am so happy to have you home with me again!!!

I miss you and love you so very much,

Love Mommy!!

September 30/2007

Hello Little Man!!

Mommy misses you so much! To think that today I would be 36 weeks and 5 days pregnant with you in my belly....where does the time go. You Have been gone for almost 3 months already!!  Your daddy and I should be getting ready for you to come home, buying your carseat and stroller, your playpen, clothes, diapers....instead Daddy got a xbox 360. Today I am taking your big sister to get her halloween costume, and Im so scared because I should be buying a little tiny baby one as well. I don't know how I am going to get through this month Asher...its going to be very hard. October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day so I will be lighting a candle and doing something special for you, then Oct 23rd was your due date and then halloween, it would have been your first holiday and I was very excited to take you trick or treating with your big sister...

Sometimes when I am driving, I will look in the rearview mirror and can see you in your carseat in the back...it hurts so bad to know that I will never see you back there.

I hope your happy playing with all the other angel babies, I know their mommies miss them just as much as I miss you!!!

I love you my Asher man!
Love Mommy

 

October 15/07-Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Even though Canada doesnt recognize PAIL awareness day I am still taking part, its something special to do for you!! I hope you are having a good day, looking over me with all the other angels up there baby! I have candles lit for all of my friends who are angel mommies and their angels, your special candle will be lit at 7pm for the "wave of light".

I miss you baby boy!

Love Mommy

 

October 23/2007

Asher, today is the day you were to join our family...the day you were due.  I am not sure how I will get through this day without you. Please send me the strength to handle this day, while I remember you and all the time we had together even if it was too short! I love you baby!!!
Love Mommy

 

November 4/07

Happy 4 month angelversery my son!! I hope that you are having a fun day, I know two more angel babies have joined you this past weekend. Please take care of them and help them not be afraid! Show them how to watch over their families just like you do to ours, we miss you little man!!

Love, Mommy  Daddy and big sister Haylee

 

December 27, 2007

Merry Christmas my boy, Im sorry I'm late!! Life has been crazy as I am sure you have seen. Your big sister and I have moved to your grandma and grandpas house for now as your Daddy and I can't be together anymore and you are going to be a big brother in the summer! I hope you picked out the most perfect little brother or sister for our family. I cant believe you have been gone for almost 6 months already, where does the time go?? I know you are happy and healthy where you are and you will keep us all safe. I love you little man!! Please keep an eye on your little baby bro or sis and make sure they grow healthy so they can come and play with Haylee and I, she misses you so much and doesnt really understand why you had to go but hopefully she will someday soon! She and any other kids I have will know of you and how you changed my life, making it so much better. Sending hugs and kisses to you in heaven!!

Love Mommy and big sister Haylee

 

Feb. 11th

I miss you little man!! Please look out for your little brother or sister and make sure everything is the way it should be! I wish you were here with us!!
Love Mommy

 

March 26th

Hey baby boy..sorry I havent been to write to you for awhile, but as you know your little brother or sister decided to join you. I suppose you knew even before I did. I hope you are taking good care of him/her for me! I miss all of my angel babies so very much. Sending you my love from far away

~Mommy

 

June 2, 2008

I cant believe that it has almost been a year since I held you in my arms, a year ago I was in hell trying to find information on CDH, trying to find something inspiring that would save you....there was nothing I could do. I am so very sorry that I let you down, I didn't want you to be in pain and have to live off machines until you were stable enough for surgery...maybe I should have given you the chance and you would still be here with me. I love you so much!!! Sometimes I feel like Im forgetting the little things about you, your smile, if you had any hair, how tiny your little fingers were... its scary but then it all comes back, your smile is still imprinted in my mind, you had very little dark dark hair, and your fingers were the most perfect little things I have ever seen!  Your big sister still misses you like crazy, and even though she knows your in heaven she thinks that you will come home to us one day... how I wish that were true! Just know my love goes deep and strong little man, I will never forget you...details may fade but you will always be in my heart

Love Mommy and Haylee

 

June 30, 2008

As friday approaches I am torn to peices. I want to be able to celebrate the life that you had while you were with me, and yet I am incredibly sad that you are not here, that I haven't felt you move and haven't been able to hold you for a year. I hope you get the birthday balloons your sister and I will be sending to you friday. We will try to celebrate your birthday as best as we can without you, it won't be the same but we won't dissapoint you my love. I miss you more than ever and I know your sister does too. You are always in our hearts baby boy...always and forever!!

 

July 4, 2008

Happy Birthday baby!! I wish we could be together today and celebrate but since we aren't I at least hope that your birthday balloons find their way to you today and you know how much today means to me!

 

August 13/2008

Hey little man!! Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if you were still here, if you even still be here with us, how different life would be! I miss you as much as ever and I wonder if it will ever get easier, if this dull ache inside everytime I see a baby around the age you should be will ever go away. I still sleep with your blankie some nights and when I do its the only time I get a really peaceful good sleep, like somehow you are with me. Another angel has joined you and your friends, Ryan's sister Leilani. Please help Ryan take care of her and watch over their mama, she needs extra angel love right now ok baby? I am so proud of you, have I mentioned that before? You were such a strong little boy even though you had so many things going against you, you really are my miracle!! Because of you and everything that I have been through I am a stronger and better person. You came into my life at a time when I most needed you and you taught me some very valuable lessons; I just wish you could still be here to share them with me :)

Sending you millions of hugs and kisses(share some with your siblings ok??)
Love mommy!!

 

December 4, 2008

It's hard to believe that you have been gone for exactly 17 months already...wow, where has the time gone? I love you so much Asher and wish that you could be here with Haylee and I. Christmas time is approaching again, and I can't help but miss you, think about what presents I should be buying you, what new things you would be doing now, you would have just turned one if everything would have went the way they should have.  I can't help but to think that you were sent to me, and I was meant to mourn  you, to learn a huge life lesson. I am a better person for having you in my life, I have changed so much within the last few years all because of you and life after you. I wish I wouldn't have had to learn them the way I have, but thats life...

I love you my Asher man...

December 28, 2008

I hope you got my christmas hugs and kisses I sent to you baby. Christmas was a hard day without you but you came to spend the morning with us, I saw you in a picture. Thank you for that, it makes it a little easier knowing you were with us.  I miss you baby, I know I tell you that a lot but its true. I miss you every day of my life and will never stop.  Sending you hugs and kisses through the clouds!!

XOXOXOX