In honor of Rodney -- 21 of Dangerfield's Best One
Liners:
1. I was so poor growing up . . . if I wasn't a boy
. . . I'd have had nothing
to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on
over; nobody's home." I
went over. Nobody was home.
3. During s#x, my girlfriend always wants to talk to
me. Just the other night
she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work I saw a guy
jogging
naked. I said
to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He
said, "Because you came
home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning . .
. put a shirt on and a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the
handle came off. I'm afraid
to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid . . . When I played in the
sandbox; the cat kept
covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys
were a toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby . . . My mother never
breast-fed me. She told me that
she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly . . . My father carries around a
picture of the kid who came with
his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting
room and said to my
father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he
pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly . . . M y mother had morning
sickness . . . AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they
sent a piece of my
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and
asked him to help me find my
parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find
them?" He said, "I don't
know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14 My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off
next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly . . . I worked in a pet shop, and
people kept asking how big I'd
get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning
when I get up and I look
in the mirror . . . I feel like throwing up; what's
wrong with me?" He said, "I
don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a
bottle of sleeping pills. My
doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some
rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him,
"How can I get my kite in
the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19.Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every
room he leaves a
pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night
he went on the paper four
times - three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for
birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in
his lap; he was in the
electric chair.
1) When I die, I want
to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day:
If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do
what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two
aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate
your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support
group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY,
and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
4) "The problem
with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job,
but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun
with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the
wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman
has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's
life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without
even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry
6) "Relationships
are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be
severance pay, the day before they leave
you, they should have
to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said
she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and
threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't
trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula
Poundstone
8) "A study in
the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study:
"Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea
World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a
slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think
that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm
enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but
it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
11) "If life were
fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be
dead."
--Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I
think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents
didn't want to move to Florida,
but they turned sixty
and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in
elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have
to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to
tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people
burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is
having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the
same."
--Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you
were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress..
But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain
17) "Our bombs
are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find
Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown
18) "You can say
any foolish thing to a dog,
and the dog will give
you a look that says,
'My God, you're right!
I never would've
thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they
call it "PMS"?
Because "Mad Cow
Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed
deceased
20) "Everybody's
got to believe in something.
I believe I'll have
another beer."
- W. C. Fields
And lastly: Why
in Hell should I have to Press 1 for English ???
.