"Life is like a sewer - what you get out of it depends on what you put in." 

BBC Voiceover: "We interrupt this program to annoy you and make things generally irritating."

• The Black Knight: "I am invincible!"
• King Arthur: "You're a loony!"

Woman customer: "I don't like spam!"

Minstrel: (singing) "Brave Sir Robin ran away/Bravely ran away, away/When danger reared its ugly head he bravely turned his tail and fled/Brave Sir Robin turned about and gallantly he chickened out."

• Announcer: "And now a precision display of bad temper."
• Soldiers: (in unison) "My goodness me! I am in a bad temper today, two three! Damn, damn, two three! I am vexed and ratty, two three! And hopping mad!"
• Anouncer: And now the men of the Second Armored Division with their famous close order swanning about."
• Sergeant: "Squad... CAMP it UP!"
• Soldiers: (in unison while mincing) Ooh get her! Whoops, I've got your number ducky, you couldn't afford me dear, two three. I'll scratch your eyes out! Don't come the Brigadier bit with us dear, we all know where you've been you military fairy, two three. One, two, three, four, five, six. Whoops! Don't look now girls, the man's just minced in with that jolly colour Sergeant, two three. OOOH!

Instructor: "Now... self-defence. Today we shall be picking up from where we left off last week, where I was showing you how to defend yourself against anyone who attacks you armed with a piece of fresh fruit."

 Mr Praline: "'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!"

Sonny: "When I was your age I could eat anything I wanted and wouldn't gain an ounce. Now I have a chocolate milkshake and my ass jiggles for a week!"

• Sonny: "What's this?"
• Julian: "Kangaroo Song."
• Sonny: "That's terrific... and we're gonna watch this after the game."
• Julian: "But after my nap I always watch the Kangaroo Song."
• Sonny: "It's overtime right now and there's a penalty about to take place. This happens, like, once every 10 years-"
• Julian: "Kangaroo Song. Kangaroo Song. Kangaroo Song. KANGAROO SONG!
• Sonny: "ALLLLLLRIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!!!!

Sonny: "Don't get too near the frozen food section! Your boobs'll harden!

• Vanessa: "I found someone."
• Sonny: "This old guy?"
• Sid: "Sid." 
• Vanessa: "He's already achieved so much, and he's still goal-orientated. He has a five-year plan."
• Sonny: "What is it? 'Don't die'?"

Julian: "Layla if you don't come over to Sonny's apartment there's a good chance that I'll develope a stutter. P-p-p-please don't do this to me." 

Miyu: "But forgetting doesn't change what's happened. Besides I despise people who deny life and whatever it brings - pleasure and sorry, love and hate. I can never forget."

Miyu: "That is what people see and say with eyes that are blind and mouths that can only curse. But they can not so easily silence the truth in their hearts."

Miyu: "You have become lost and I shall return you to where you belong."

• Carolyn: "Uh... who's car is that out front?"
• Lester: "It's mine. 1970 Pontiac Firebird, the car I've always wanted and now I have it. I rule!"

Lester: (giggling) "Oh, I'm in trouble!"

Angela: "Jane what if he worships you? What if he's got, like, this whole shrine with pictures of you surrounded by dead people's heads and stuff?"

Ricky: "I didn't mean to scare you, I just think you're interesting."

Lester: "You don't get to tell me what to do... ever... again."

Lester: "Smile! you're at Mr. Smiley's!"

Lester: "I think you just became my personal hero!"

Drew Carey: "Look, this is an odd question, but you're kind of cute and you're pretty nice to me. Are you drunk? It's OK if you are."

 [On sex.]
Lewis Kiniski: "One person's always disappointed. So far, I've been lucky; it's always been the woman."

• Mimi Bobeck: "Ah, spring. When a young man's fancy turns my stomach." 
• Drew Carey: "When was the last time you saw a young man's fancy?" 
• Mimi Bobeck: "When was the last time you saw *your* fancy?" 

Drew Carey: Wow! Another steaming pile of good news!

• Drew Carey: How long was I out for?
• Lewis Kiniski: A long time, Drew. It's 2137. I'm the great-grandson of Lewis Kiniski, the first human emperor. Unfortunately, you are my slave.                                 
• Drew Carey: Kate, how long was I really out for?                                              
• Lewis Kiniski: Silence, slave!