Look Closer
Kate Goldfield
I was inspired to write this after spending the evening with a good friend of mine who just happens to have AS. I thought about what the casual observer might see in him, and I thought about what I see in him. I think he's beautiful. I wanted to express that in this piece of writing. What's on the surface is not always, without doubt, what's on the inside. People are deeper than they seem. Most of the time.
Not of this earth
In her own world, you say
Not one of us
Don't understand her behavior
Things you might say
Oh, but if you only knew
All that we are, all that we can be
If you look at it from our point of view
Human encyclopedias, they call us sometimes
Constantly spouting facts, intensely interested
in dinosaurs, or baseball statistics, or music
Nerd, they say, don't you ever have fun?
But this is fun for us
Having control over information, over facts, gives us
a sense of control of our world
Facts are concrete, they make sense, they never change
This is a big comfort to us
Socially awkward, they call us
Don't know what to say, just stand there from the outside looking in
Wanting to join in but not knowing how
Dressed the wrong way, moving the wrong way, never quite in sync with everyone else
But we're trying
What you would see if you looked deeper is sincerity
Honesty, thoughtfulness, joy, intelligence
There's a person in here
A person with so much to offer
Look closer
Not age-appropriate, they say
Too interested in younger children's toys, younger children's games
Thirty-eight and he still plays with Legos
Twenty four and she still has a child's simplicity
But what is so bad about simplicity?
That thirty-eight year old is one of the most intelligent people I know
That thirty-eight year old has compassion, kindness, and empathy like I've never seen
The twenty four year old brings a little more joy to the world;
she gets to the heart of the matter
No, there's nothing wrong with having a child's outlook
A look of fear always on his face
The music is too loud, he can't stand the feel of his clothes
Smells of perfume, cigarette smoke make it hard to think
Too much going on at once, too much to process
He is overwhelmed
You get impatient with him.
"Come on!" you say. "Don't let every little thing get to you!"
Strange, think the other kids. What's with him?
But if you could only see
the strength, the resillience he posesses in order to be in this world
the amount of effort he makes on a daily basis
If you could see the beautiful side of his sensitivity
A sunset more dazzling than you could ever imagine,
a joy more radiant than you ever thought possible
Pleasant smells, favorite music, books, games, interactions
He gets more out of this world in a day than you do in a week
He feels everything, he drinks everything in
The world may be too much sometimes,
but it takes very little to make it wonderful again
"Stop doing that!" they say. "You're embarassing me!"
The shame you feel just for being yourself, for not being able to
follow the hidden rules they set
We can't look you in the eye, because it hurts too much
We can't sit still, hands flapping, leg tapping, eyes squinting,
squirming in our seats
Focus on what we say, not what our bodies do
This isn't what we look like in our mind's eye
See it from our point of view
Look closer
See who we really are
We want to connect with you, we want to be part of the world
But we need your help to navigate the divide
We need you to interpret
We need support, understanding, and acceptance for who we really are
So that we will have the strength to go and make our mark on this world