Aspie Ways
Kate Goldfield
On the school bus, nine years old
An older boy says something to you, most likely to tease
You miss his intent and ask naively, do you want to be my friend?
The whole bus laughs
Ten years later, you realize this is not how people go about making friends
Third grade, and you're out on the playground for recess
You feel tense, suspicious, unable to relax
You feel like you're in a foreign country surrounded by people who speak a foreign language
You feel like you could be attacked at any time;
you have no idea what you can do to communicate with the locals in their own language
It's not like these kids have done anything unpleasant to you - yet.
You have no reason to be afraid of them, but you know you're not one of them.
Instead of connection, you only experience fear.
The divide has been there so long, it feels completely natural.
You find someone who shares an interest that you do
Thrilled, you start talking about it a mile per minute
You can't get enough of the subject; you want someone who thinks the same
Your would-be friend is silent, doesn't answer your questions, gives you a weird look, and finally, leaves
What did you do wrong? Why does your passion for these subjects far surpass that of anyone you can find?
How are you ever going to relate to anyone?
Later on, after they've given you plenty of reason to distrust them,
Someone says hello to you and you're stunned
Suspicious of all conversation, of the ulterior motive, just waiting
for the laughing that you know will occur when they walk away from you
You can't see yourself as anything but a joke in other people's eyes
It takes years to rid yourself of this reaction, and it will never completely go away
And, when you finally do make friends, it doesn't get much easier
What do I do?
What do I say?
Am I doing this right?
How would a neurotypical do this?
I must be doing this wrong.
How can I get them to like me?
They're not smiling. What does that mean?
Oh, God, what did I do wrong?
Make jokes. Then they'll have to like you.
How do I keep the conversation going?
Does it sound stupid to talk about the weather?
How do I know when they want to leave?
How much detail should I give?
Are they interested in this or am I boring them?
Why can't I relate to them? Why am I scared?
What can we possibly do together that we'll both like?
What can we do together that will feel safe to me?
I want friends. I just don't want to have to actually be with other people my age in order to make it happen. How can I feel both ways at
the same time?
You go to a political speech with your college Democrats group
A social outing, you think. A chance to be with like-minded people,
and make connections.
Walking back from the speech that night,
a mass of laughing, jovial, giggly college students in front of you,
who can't get enough of each other
Somehow a tentative "So, what did you think of the candidate?"
just doesn't cut it with this group
So you fall behind, and find yourself chatting easily with an older couple
You treasure the connection, cherish the conversation, and wish the
walk would never end
But you think bitterly to yourself,
Why am I always drawn to the adults? Why can't I ever make conversation with the other kids, but can so easily with the adults, the very
people most kids my own age wouldn't be caught dead with if they could help it?
Later, after the speech, you realize just how much a pancake house can
approximate a jailhouse
Sitting at a long table with a dozen other college students, having
dinner before you head back
And all you can think of is, why did I actually think this would go well
Why did I actually think I had something in common with them, just
because we were in the same college political group?
You steel yourself for a long night, spend way too much time reading
and re-reading the menu, and take long, practiced sips from your water glass
Bored and isolated, promising yourself you'll never do this again
You slip gratefully into the car on the way back, praying that they won't play the music too loud
And run to the safety of the basement of the library when you get back
to campus, the only place on all of campus that is completely quiet and feels safe.
Nothing can last forever, though
Things do change, usually for the worst but thankfully sometimes for the better
Being in a supportive college atmosphere eventually gives you hope
You learn to connect with other quirky individuals, have conversations
where you discover it is possible for others to like you
Special interest groups aren't the answer; trying to force something never works
Being yourself, though, works, not because you thought it would,
but because it was the only option left,
and somehow, people are attracted to you for this
Conversations about psychology and music, human interaction and campus
gossip... you can have friends now, too.
Friendships that are perhaps deeper than those of your peers who are
content with superficiality and surface appearances
Friends who will listen to you rant about your interests, friends who
will support you, friends who it doesn't feel like pulling teeth to be
around
You still have your Aspie ways,
you will always have your Aspie ways
But you realize that this brings you good as well as bad:
the ability to focus, and to retain a lot of information; a sincerity
and honesty that seems to draw some people towards you; an ability to
think outside the box and be innovative; the knowledge to not let
social conventions stand in the way of following your heart
No, you just wouldn't be you
without your Aspie ways