The Last Safe Place

THE END IS HERE.

A few short hours ago, the thirteenth and final book in A Series of Unfortunate Events went on sale. At last, the harrowing story of the Baudelaire orphans is complete.

Mr. Snicket has always said, "If you like stories with happy endings, read something else." Today, it is clear that he has not, as many hoped, been kidding.

With the arrival of every new installment in Mr. Snicket's research, there have been new questions: Who set that terrible fire? What happened to the Incredibly Deadly Viper? Who is Beatrice? Where did the Baudelaire's parents go? Did the orphans survive? If nothing is out there, then what was that noise?

Today, we have our answers.

Our sincere condolences go out to all those who have followed the Baudelaire's journey. At least the suffering is over.

Or perhaps the worst is yet to come.

With all due respect,

We're sorry to tell you that a second Vile Video, "The Snicket Emergency," has appeared at LemonySnicket.com. Prepared by the London Branch of the Herpetological Society, it presents a grim commentary on the worldwide suffering caused by A Series of Unfortunate Events. Some believe this video is much more upsetting than "12 Books in 120 Seconds." Others think it contains part of a crucial secret code.

The End will be here in less than a month, and everything—from the mysterious contents of the new book The Beatrice Letters to the online Vile Videos—suggests it will be a very unhappy one. Some have already begun pre-ordering their copies of Book the Thirteenth, hoping to be among the first to put themselves out of their misery.

Meanwhile, certain secret organizations can't seem to leave bad enough alone. It seems Book the Twelfth: The Penultimate Peril has been nominated for a prestigious Quill Book Award, as the best chapter book of the year. If you vote for it before September 30, it just might win.

It is our solemn duty to send you these updates, but you are free not to read them. Oops—too late.

With all due respect,

Today, Lemony Snicket unsealed The Beatrice Letters, and of all the letters found inside, there is one that perfectly describes readers' experiences: the letter O, as in "O my!" "O no!" and "O, I see!"

The startling secrets begin on the book's cover, where there is a hidden image only the most careful observers will detect. Then, the exquisite bound portfolio opens to reveal two mysterious file folders: one is stuffed with Mr. Snicket's secret correspondence, beginning with a message scrawled on a calling card bearing the moniker, "Lemony Snicket, Student of Rhetoric;" the other is reserved for different letters altogether. Shocking details of Mr. Snicket's early and later life are everywhere, along with a black and white photograph of a lock of hair tied with ribbon. The importance of root beer is clear. Even the final desperate telegram from the Nocturnal Phonographic Telegrammatic Corps appears. Letters of the alphabet demand to be punched out, rearranged, and rearranged again. And buried in one of the folders, the true investigator will find a vibrant double-sided poster by illustrator Brett Helquist that some believe holds endless clues to The End.

This may be the most intriguing book ever published. Indeed, it would be a mistake for most people to read it. Then again, people shouldn't watch the Vile Videos either.

With all due respect,

August 2006

The End is like a terrible storm, because you can see it approaching, it showers debris everywhere, and you are likely to get hit in the face with something unpleasant. Consider what The End is already blowing your way:

The Vile Videos. "12 Books in 120 Seconds," the first in a series of three panic-stricken videos leading up to The End, has appeared at lemonysnicket.com. Narrated by the infamous Tim Curry, it threatens to expose you to everything the Baudelaire orphans have suffered so far, in less time than it takes to brush one’s teeth.

The Beatrice Letters. You certainly shouldn’t pre-order this book, unless you want to be among the first investigators to read its shocking collection of correspondence and evidence, and to attempt to unscramble its letters to learn the truth about what happens in The End.

Mr. Snicket on Tour. For what we can only hope is the last time, Mr. Snicket will travel the country, warning innocent people not to read his latest work. In an alarming number of cases, he will appear with illustrator Mr. Brett Helquist and/or the musical group The Gothic Archies, who will soon release an entire album of music inspired by Mr. Snicket’s books.

Sadly, if the unfortunate events described in this e-mail are any indication, The End might also be the end of you.

With all due respect,

In less than three months, The End will be here. Will the Baudelaire children survive the last in A Series of Unfortunate Events? Will bookstores everywhere be stormed by angry mobs? Will nobility prevail? Will Beatrice, to whom Lemony Snicket has dedicated every book in A Series of Unfortunate Events, miraculously return? Will the world lie in blubbering ruins?

Alarmingly, one or more of these questions might be answered sooner than you think. On September 5, a matter of weeks before the publication of The End, Lemony Snicket will release The Beatrice Letters, an unbearably private collection of personal correspondence. Including a note passed in class, a startling telegram, a coded sonnet, and a desperate plea for assistance between Mr. Snicket and Beatrice, the trove of evidence starts long before The Bad Beginning and extends far beyond The End.

Thousands have already downloaded and sought to complete “13 Shocking Secrets You’ll Wish You Never Knew About Lemony Snicket,” hoping to be ready for the final installment in A Series of Unfortunate Events. The Beatrice Letters suggests that there is at least one -- and possibly two -- more secrets you need to know.

Don't you wish we hadn't mentioned it?

With all due respect,

Congratulations on making it to the end of the school year. Now that summer is here, you probably think that this is a good time to relax and have fun. Unfortunately, you are completely mistaken.

With less than four months until The End, the thirteenth and final book in A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket, there is very little time for you to complete your research. Mr. Snicket’s work is filled with unanswered questions, and only the most well-read citizens will be prepared to ask them all. Responsible volunteers around the world are rushing to review the available evidence, namely:

• The first twelve books in A Series of Unfortunate Events, which include sentences like, “The middle Baudelaire looked at his mother’s coat, which had a secret pocket on the inside.”
• Lemony Snicket: The Unauthorized Autobiography, which contains such confounding secrets as the lyrics to a folk ballad called “The Little Snicket Lad,” whose chorus is: “When we grab you by the ankles, / Where our mark is to be made, /You’ll so-on be do-ing no-ble work, /Although you won’t be paid.”
• An earth-shattering book containing private papers which we are forbidden to tell you about, but which is coming in September and includes such sentiments as, “The only other student I know in this class is O., who is nothing but an annoyance. As I write this, he is filling his notebook with anagrams of obscene words.”

To guide their preparations for The End, many volunteers are already using the document called 13 Shocking Secrets You’ll Wish You Never Knew About Lemony Snicket. Others have enrolled in summer school, hoping to distract themselves with cafeteria food and remedial gym class rather than spend the coming months sunburnt with worry. Still others have deleted this e-mail without reading it.

Clearly, you’ve already made your choice. When it comes to The End, we hope it’s the right one.

With all due respect,

We wish we weren’t obligated to share the cover of Book the Thirteenth with you the moment it arrived, under cover of night, from illustrator Brett Helquist. However, you did sign up to receive exclusive updates concerning Lemony Snicket. As a result, we have no choice.

As alarming as this cover is, the good news is that The End won’t arrive until Friday the 13th, October 2006. The bad news is that “Thirteen Shocking Secrets You’ll Wish You Never Knew About Lemony Snicket,” which volunteers everywhere are already using to prepare themselves for The End, is available for download right now.

Consider the ominous introduction to this alarming free booklet: “There are certain individuals who think they know what Lemony Snicket’s books are about. They are under the impression they understand who he is. They believe they know what to expect....In fact, the truth is far worse than such people ever imagined.”

We’d understand completely if you never wanted to open another e-mail from us again.