Aria's Palace

A little boy and a little girl, both about six, are playing in the sandbox. Unexpectedly, the little boy farted, causing a little sand between his legs to shift.She notices, and squeals with laughter, "How'd you do that," she asks. "Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted." "Can I try it," she asks? "Sure," he says, "anybody can do it." So she strains, and concentrates, and grunts. Suddenly, there's a terrible explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out. The little boy rolls up the hill, he finds himself upside down against a tree. He groggily gets to his feet, runs over to where the little girl is out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle. He lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims, "Just what I thought, dual-exhaust."

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home! A New Jersey man was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes. 
 
A banana was sticking out of his ass. 
 
Police suspect a cereal killer.

1. I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.   
3. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.  
4. I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.  
5. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.  
6. I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.  
7. I've learned that it is not what you wear, it is how you take it off.  
8. I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.  
9. I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.  
10. I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.  
11. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities (or politicians).  
12. I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.  
13. I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.  
14. I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.  
As Always ... keep grinning ... it makes people wonder what you are up to!

My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.
 
"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The "Children's Bill of Rights."
 
It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.
 
I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.
 
I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue and nose.
I can read and watch just what I like,
and get tattoos from head to toes.
 
And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.
 
Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.
 
Don't preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!
 
Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better known as C. S. D.
 
Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.
 
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.
 
The next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
there's shirts and pants galore.
 
I've called and checked with C. S. D.
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.
 
And I've canceled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C. S. D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best.
 
I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch."
 
Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine.
 
He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
to put new tires on my car."
 
I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead.
All the C. S. D. requires is
a roof for over your head.
 
Your clothing won't be trendy now,
and I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.
 
I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike and roller blades.
Check out the "Parents Bill of Rights,"
It's in effect today!
 
Hey hot shot, are you crying,
and why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C. S. D.?

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.  
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy  
 
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her..  
If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.  
 
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.  
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.  
 
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.  
If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.  
 
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.  
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.  
 
If you cry, you are a wimp.  
If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.  
 
If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.  
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman.  
 
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.  
If she asks you, it's a favor.  
 
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.  
If you don't, you are a fag.  
 
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.  
If you don't, you are unromantic.  
 
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.  
If you don't, you are a slob.  
 
If you buy her flowers, you are after something.  
If you don't, you are not thoughtful.  
 
If you are proud of your achievements, you are up yourself.  
If you don't, you are not ambitious.  
 
If she has a headache, she is tired.  
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.  
 
If you want it too often, you are oversexed.  
If you don't, there must be someone else.

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:   "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

He's still alive and, with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.

Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches.
When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally
came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
 The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long?"
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?".
 "It's my job." replied the salesman.
Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!".
The salesman eyed Joe then said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck.".
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?".
"It's my job." came the familiar reply.
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly.
 The salesman asked, "How about new shoes?".
Joe was on a roll and agreed.
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see, nine-and-a-half?"
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?".
"It's my job." said the salesman again.
Joe tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly.
He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure, why not."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Joe laughed smugly, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The shocked salesman shook his head, "You can't possibly wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine
and give you one hell of a headache!"