-- kessa

1-11-02 - i really went through with it. i didn't die. i just spent two days in CCU (critical care unit). i am writing this from the mental hospital. since i am an adult i am allowed to check my email. so if you send me email i will probably get it. i am not writing back for now, but when i get home i will. i turned 18. i spent two days of pure hell after i took 9000 milligrams of Tylenol (which appently is lethal to your liver). they told me i had taken a lethal dose in the ER and then they stuck a tube down my nose and into my stomach and pumped. they kept that tube in for a day even though lord knows i begged them to take it out. i cried the entire time. i honestly didn't think dying (or even almost dying) could be that painful. i am still just as bad as ever. they don't really know what to do with me here. they just let me cry and crochet scarves and draw with pastels and charcoal. they are probably going to let me out next wednesday or at least they want to. the problem is i don't think i am any better. in fact i think i am worse.

1-16-02 - i feel like i have been trapped in the mental hospital forever. i NEED to get OUT of this FUCKING PLACE! first when i don't eat they yell at me and ask me what affect i think i am having on the poor girls with eating disorders. (ha ha very funny. just remain oblivious to the fact that when a person doesn't eat it usually signifies an eating disorder...especially since these people work on an ED ward!). then to make matters worse they start to punish me. they make me eat all by myself in the corner and sometimes there is no where for me to sit and they have to pull a lame chair from another room in. basically i was eating all my meals on a table that is supposed to be for a puzzle. i felt really shitty about that. then they said that i can't exercise. i couldn't go on walks or play basketball with the other patients. finally, i just gave up. so now i am probably gaining so much weight here it is awful. i really want to get out of here. the doctors didn't let me out yesterday (which was "next wednesday" last time i wrote). now they are saying that maybe i can leave next wednesday at the earliest. i feel bad about missing so much school. i don't know what people will think when i go back. i am really feeling quite shitty. still, i am feeling a little better than the last time i wrote. i miss my cat. it is kind of sad but i don't really have any friends to miss.

1-23-03 - i am home! they released me today. i am a little better than before only because i met this great guy in the hospital. he has an eating disorder too. much worse than mine though. he is so sweet though. he is really shy but he opens doors for girls and gave me his jacket a couple of times. it was really cool because there was like no pressure. all we did was hold hands. anyway. i am glad to be home. i just bought a domain with my new credit card now that i am 18. it is www.deadophelia.com. isn't that so cool! now i can do fun stuff like CGI and ASP and crap like that. so look forward to a redirect in the next week or so. and don't link to this site yet because we will be moving yet again. always glad to be back. and thank you everyone who sent me email. i am going to write back when i have time. it really means a lot to me that there are people who care. thanks again.

1-25-03 - i am on such a destructive path. yesterday i tried to hang myself in my bathroom on my shower. i hadn't even been out of the hospital two days and i am right back where i started. i ended up taking the belt off the shower and just trying to pull it tight. i ended up blacking out and twitching uncontrollably. i didn't fall too loudly. my knees gave way so i was kind of kneeling and then the next thing i knew i woke up with my eyes clenched shut and my whole body twitching uncontrollably. that actually happened a couple of times. but i never had the courage to tie the belt to the shower head so all i have to show for myself is the painful bruises on my neck which i told my parents was a rash from some acne medication. they bought it. then today i drove all by myself (it was my first time since i have gotten my licence) down to the drug store and bought myself some diet pills with ephedrine in them. i was just waiting for them to ask for ID because you can't buy diet pills with ephedrine unless you are 18 (which i am) but they never did. i wish i had just bought them when i was 17 now. i mean, if they don't even ask for ID who cares? anyway, they are safely hidden in my room and i will start taking them tomorrow. i am also going to keep a journal about how effective they are. i bought twinlab's metabolift. i couldn't afford metabolife so i thought a cheap imitation might work too. besides i checked the ingredients and i liked this one because i knew what all the ingredients were. i am taking 20 milligrams of ephedrine in each pill, 200 milligrams of caffeine, and 150 mcg (whatever mcg stands for) of chromium picolinate. i am not too worried about the chromium picolinate since i took 600 milligrams a day for a while and was fine. so i am going to start with just one or two pills a day instead of the whole four for the first week or so. i don't want to build up a tolerance too fast. i'll let you guys know how it works. i am still waiting for my domain to process so keep your eyes open for a redirect in the next few days. well, a week at the most. gotta run.