Fear (the fear of a victim)
For starting this time I will borrow a very small part of Paulo Cohello’s book, The warrior of light. I am sure he does not mind.
The warrior knows that the most important words in all languages are the small words.
Yes. Love. God.
They are words that are easy enough to say and which fill vast empty spaces. There is, however one word – another small word – that many people have great difficulty in saying: no.
Someone who never says ‘’no’’, thinks of himself as generous, understanding, polite, because ‘’no’’ is though of as being nasty, selfish, unspiritual.
We must not say yes, when our heart says no. It is wrong to the other person and more important wrong to our selves.
You will most probably wonder what, what I am saying has to do with the title. Well when a person says ‘’no’’ it means ‘’no’’ I do not want to do something for my own reasons. That ‘’no’’ should and must be respected. Sadly in many cases and vast majority of women say ‘’no’’ in some certain situations ie rape, abuse, sexual harassment, etc and there is no respect for that, the ‘’persons’’ that commit that act do not consider or care about the other person. I used the expression ‘’persons’’ and I apologise for that because my in my own vocabulary that is reserved for human beings and they are below that, they do not belong to the human race. However there are laws and this being published I prefer to stay in the boundaries of the law.
In most of those cases brutal force of any kind and I mean not only physical but psychological and any other kind that somebody can think is used. Why? Because they want to inflict fear and hurt the other person. They suck the fear like the vampires suck the blood from their victims and also they try to convince the other person with various ways that it was their fault and that justifies their actions.
How many times we have heard abused women say ‘’it was my fault’’ or something similar? Many. How many times we heard rape victims say ‘’it was my mistake, I should not have been there..’’. Well, THAT IS WRONG.
In all cases they have said ‘’NO’’, which meant that they did not want it to happen. Even if out of fear or whatever reason they have only managed to whisper it or even say it inside them without moving their lips, their heart know that they were not willing participants.
Furthermore, every person should and must be able to go and do what she/he wants freely without any fear. We all have gone out on a bar or a party and show a woman for the men or a man for the women that caught our attention and our interest. In some cases we managed to find the courage to go and talk to them and depending of the case the reply was a yes or a no. When we heard the ‘’no’’ we pulled back showing respect for the opinion of the other person.
The actions of those ‘’persons’’ are not justified and they are totally and utterly wrong. The woman that is at the receiving end is the victim and deserves every respect from everybody. She has done nothing wrong. She has said ‘’NO’’.
That goes for all the women that have been at the receiving end and hope to touch even one heart. That will make me feel that I have achieved what I wanted by writing this. It was not your fault whatsoever the circumstances. Brutality, use of physical or other force is never justified towards another person. No excuses, nothing. Break the chains and say to your selves ‘’it was not my fault’’ and mean it, feel it. Do not let them win. Life is beautiful, in general, if we live it. If not then we have no chance to taste the good part.
Use your fear, your anger, whatever you feel constructively. Divert it to make sure that you move forward in life. That is your victory and yours alone. Say it loud and clear ‘’I have been raped/abused/etc but I fought back and I can live my life again’’. Yes I will agree, it is not easy and the scars may be deep but we must start some were. The road is long and hard but the end is always there and it is sweet and wonderful.
You feel violated, used, degraded and most of the times the memories come back they haunt you. At that times you just want to find a place to crawl and just seal yourself from everything hoping that this will stop them coming back. All these are feelings and as long as you feel them you prove to yourself that you still have feelings, you are still capable to feel and have emotions. And what good comes from that you may ask and why is good to feel these ones that only make you suffer inside you.
Well if you did not feel anything you would have been like a zombie, not living, not feeling, nothing, just walking around and going to everyday life like it was a nothing and you would have lost the important battle of your life handing victory to the one that has done this to you.
I will not claim that I have the solution how to overcome this and after all every one is unique and requires its own way of handling life’s problems. I will try to offer a general way to explore, the one I used in the past to overcome my troubles and problems.
I faced my fears, I confronted the troubles and when pain was involved and I needed support I turned to my friends for support but at the same time I did not let the fear or the pain consume me, I used it to make my self carry forward and overpass whatever situation because I wanted ME to be the winner in the battle and nothing else. Some are long and painful and consuming and there is always the times you think of giving up but at this point you should think that if you give up you lose yourself and then direct all the anger towards your goal, use the fear to light the fire of your freedom and carry forward.
Now I want to bring in the general picture the ones that we mostly tend to forget or not to mention and not intentionally. How about the husband or the boy friend of the raped woman. I am sure that very few gave any second thought of what they go through. Yes, you may ask ‘’they did not do or were not responsible in what happened, why the need help of any kind?’’.
Well I have been at that position and I can tell you that it hurts a lot. The feelings are a mixture and even being in that position I am not so sure if I can put them all in order. The basic and most unjustifiable is guilt. The usual guilt thinking comes on the way of ‘’if I had left the office a little earlier, if I had not stopped for that beer, if, if ,if’’ a thousand ifs. Also it is the sense of failure to protect the one you love and care. Furthermore the anger that you wish to do something against them and you can not. All together is a bad mixture that consumes you from the inside.
They need help and support at least at the first stage to manage to pass the first stage and manage to control all of them. After is the more delicate matter of ‘’I want to help but she does not help me’’ which hurts equally. You want to be there whole heartily but you are turned down, although this is understandable because in her eyes you are just a male and nothing else.
This advise goes to both parties. Be patient with each other, understand that you both are hurt and you both need your personal time to heal and be able to give to each other. I do not say not to talk to each other. Just avoid the issue until you have healed and when you first mention it wait to see the other how it will react. If he/she shows that it needs more time give it and be patient. They want your help but they also and more important need to be bale to help themselves.
Understand each other and when the time comes and be able to be as you used to be, then you will be as close as you have ever been and your love for each other would have prevailed and you both are winners in your battles.
Society have stopped treating the victims the way it happened 30-40 years back. Back them the victims were stigmatised but no more. There is professional and emotional help by people that are trained and capable of dealing with these kind of situations. There is respect and understanding. There is also professional help for the for the relatives to help them overcome their emotions and assist. That goes out to all the men. Yes it is difficult to talk to a stranger and explain what happen without hurting ourselves but if you love and care your partner you have to do it because this way you will be able to help yourself and your partner much more. And there is a difference between being a male and being a MAN. Now go out and seek the help you need in order to be able to be there when she needs you.
Just remember a small word, the word ‘’no’’ you have said, whispered thought of saying and could not. A small word, a huge space.
Closing I just want to wish to the ones that will read this, smile, life is beautiful and we all have a place on it.
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