‘FROM GREY SOUP TO GATEAU’.
(Chapter Two; page 55)
MINUS FORTY POUNDS.
Being little means feeling safe.
It means that someone can easily wrap their arms around you and love you with all their heart and protect you at all times.
It means that you can hide away from the world more easily and nobody sees you as you walk down the street. You are so very small that people hardly notice you.
Being little means that I can curl up into a tiny ball and no one will be able to reach me or hurt me ever. I am little, I am anonymous and I am safe.
They keep asking me WHY…why am I doing this? Why don’t I eat? Why am I starving myself? Why won’t I accept any help or do as they want me to do? Can’t they see? It is all perfectly crystal clear to me, but I can’t even begin to explain it to them. It is simple though, and they should be able to see it if they only looked hard enough.
I want to be little again – NO, it’s far more than that…I NEED to be little, and if I don’t eat I will get smaller. It all makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? And if I am smaller they will love me more – the way people are supposed to love and protect little children.
(Chapter Three; page 79)
PLUS TWENTY POUNDS
From the very moment I got up I have been planning this binge. Oh, I had a few ‘good’ moments when I first woke up when I was determined yet AGAIN that today was going to be the day I went back on my diet. Today would be the day that I rediscovered that immense control and got back on track. And those positive thoughts did indeed last – until I got out of bad, that is, and went downstairs and my eyes fixed immediately on the biscuit tin as if they were drawn to it by some kind of magnetic force. Instantly all my good intentions evaporated and, as if I had never ever been the person who could live quite happily on 300 calories a day, I grabbed a handful and ate them quickly before Nanna got up. At times like that I feel as if I am acting on automatic pilot. It isn’t me who reaches for those biscuits. In fact all the while I am doing it, a terrified voice is screaming inside my head…NO! NO…but it makes no difference and I do it anyway. I feel as if I am going crazy here…maybe I am?
So from that moment onwards, I have planned an enormous binge for this afternoon after school. A huge final fling. Everything I love, everything I used to crave, so that I can get this tremendous urge to overeat out of my system once and for all, and then tomorrow I can start all over again, and be the ME I am supposed to be.
(Chapter Four; page 102)
EVERYTHING REVOLVES AROUND FOOD.
Food is truly the epicentre of my whole existence, although I hate to admit it, and every last situation that I encounter gets related in some way back to my food or my weight, however twisted it may seem.
My mind is never at peace and I am bombarded constantly with voices in my head telling me what to do and how to behave. I never usually question these voices at all. I simply eat when they tell me to eat, try not to eat when they want me to starve, try to get rid of the food when they say I should…Anything at all to still them for a little while – but I never really ask why or even think of fighting back at them. It would be so very hard and I find it a whole lot easier just to give in and do as they say. It’s far less painful that way.
Today is the first time I can really remember listening to those voices and answering them back - asking just what this is all about and WHY I do what I do…..
(Now visit www.greysoup.tk)
Anne is passionate about helping others and want as many people with eating disorders and their loved ones to read the book and hopefully see a light at the end of the tunnel. Anne what it is like to feel these feelings; the terror of eating, the cravings, the despair...and has been able to express it all in this book.
It's not a happy ever after book but it is REAL and it shows that EDs can be lived through and that we can find happiness and balance again despite all the turmoil we have been through. She wants as many people as possible to know about the book, so that more people know what it is REALLY like to be in the midst of anorexia or in the grips of depression.. She really wants to feel as if she is connecting with others who maybe don't have a way to voice their feelings as yet - she feels a deep need to help, just as she wished someone had been there to help her when she was at her worst.
