My online diary- www.caringbridge.org/visit/missa4314
My MYSPACE- www.myspace.com/missababy4314
These are my personal writings from two years ago to present. I am not a writer but do write when my emotions are overwhelming.
May 2004
I stare into the mirror and can’t see.
The image is so familiar.
Who can this girl be?
She looks so sad. It shows on her face.
Why is she crying?
Did someone hurt her?
I want to hug this girl.
I just don’t understand.
Why is she in so much pain?
Could I be the one who could take it all away?
I know I could bring a smile to her face.
It can be me to show her the beauty inside of her.
I know its there.
I don’t want her to be sad!
No one can show her...
It has to be me!
I have to be the one to believe.
When will I see this girl is
Me?
July 2005
I feel the people staring as I walk past. My shoulders curve inward from fear and shame. Can they see my pain? Does it radiate from the like the sun’s rays of sunshine. Are they snickering or feeling compassion for this hurting child?
I feel the anxiety hit me as the expensive shops swirl around me. Can I do this? I am strong enough for this? I put my hand on the door and push through the fear. My legs tremble as I walk up the steps and I fought to catch my breath. Maybe I shouldn’t have skipped food today. I am already so exhausted from the journey all I can do is pray she won’t notice.
I feel like I am floating down the hallway and as I turn, a warm smile makes me feel welcome. I soon realized there was not going to be the judgement I had feared. Where could I start? Everything was crumbling around me, how could I pick just one. When given a question the room started to spin out of control but the safety I felt allowed me to grab on. I hung off every word she said. Soaking it all up like a sponge. I had been desperately crying for help and someone was finally answering. The words felt like warm streams of comfort and reassurance. Maybe I can do this. Yes, I think I can. Its so scary but now I don’t have to do it alone. A little of my confusion was starting to come together and make sense. Like, watching a three year-old piece together a puzzle. I was heard and understood. What a wonderful feeling! I wanted to cry but the tears were stuck behind this disorder.
I pushed open that same door, once with fear but now with a little confidence. I again felt the people’s stares but I just looked forward not thinking on what they thought of me.
I came home to an empty house and ate something before it became unsafe again. Grabbing my journal, having them walk in and out again not inviting me along, I try to pull together some strength. My heart says I can do it but my mind fills with negative thoughts. How can I make them understand? When will I be Missa again?
November 2003
I am now on this bus going to [some city], pondering on thoughts that over flow my mind. Renfrew, mom, worry, hurt and so many others.
Beth told me to see this trip as an adventure. When I heard that word my chest sunk. I had a happy but also very painful memory of not too long ago when I was on an adventure. Just my mom and me, nothing could stop us. She had cried at my bedside for weeks and promised I wasn’t going to die. That she wouldn’t let it happen.
I was too sick to go alone so my mother, a woman deathly afraid of flying, took me to Florida. She flew on two planes that morning with me and wheeled me through three airports. I knew she was scared but all she could act on was love. Her words took away my emptiness, she said she would only do this for me, her baby. She said this was our adventure together. When we said goodbye I kissed her wet cheek and she whispered in my ear, "I want my next adventure to be with you."
I am now taking this journey alone. Leaving behind the new love I thought I had found but it was just a lie. An act on pure emotions but no foundation was left when the passion wore off.
I had to fear. I had to cry. The danger was always surrounding me. I felt it even more. Fear was taunting me. I could smell the uneasiness in the air. Then it happened all at one like a long slash across my heart. The hurt overwhelmed me. I fell to the floor crying but only so I could plan. It happened, I set it all up. I held onto the love let go of the control and went against all the rules. I ran, looking forward to get past the bars. I dove through his grasp and ran. My feet stinging with every pounding footstep. My breath was so sharp. I searched for safety and allowed myself to let "me" go.
I wait for that day. Just one where I won’t feel like I am just surviving. When I won’t have to push through. No reason to cry.
I ran away, changed my city but it won’t make it all go away. I just want to purge it all! This anger and hurt. Push it all away. I don’t want to live with it! Give me love, no more hurt to fill me inside.
June 2004
What am I doing? I know I cannot do this shit! Am I kidding myself?? I am smarter than this. Why am I doing this? How can I think I will be able to get away with it? It is different now... people see me, unlike before. When am I going to learn I can't do it "just for today"? I know I need to quit, why won't I, damn it!? I know exactly what this is going to lead to. I do not want to go back. Then, why am I doing this to myself? What the fuck am I trying to solve?? My body is not able to take this anymore! It happens faster everytime. Just because I feel broken and empty on the inside doesn't mean everything will be better if I feel that way on the outside too. I am going to lose fucking control of this. My life is going to crash. I have to be responsible! I am the only one who can take care of myself. I have to help myself. How can I think this will help me to stop feeling abandoned? I am abandoning my own self. Everything is sooo confusing! Nothing makes any sense anymore. How is my brain going to be capable of learning? How can I make friends if I start to isolate myself? The goal is to be gaining weight! I don't want to go through this again. I am just sitting here watching myself drown. I can't be perfect! It won't make people love me anymore... no one is fucking perfect. I have complete independence.. what am I rebelling against? How many nights am I going to fight to go to sleep then wonder as I am drifting off if I will wake up? My body
feels like it could shut down at any moment. Why is this not even scaring me anymore? The thought of outsmarting my body is such a lie! My worst enemy is here to say hello and I am not kicking her out the door. I know I have to fight but knowing and doing are two different things.
July 2005
Can they not see they are breaking me down? Please don’t push me out of your lives, especially your hearts. I know your scared but can’t you see I am too? I don’t know how to do this alone. I can’t be torn apart by the people I love most. I don’t know my sister anymore. She hasn’t been my sister since she has gotten here. I need her! I need that brilliant thinker and that comforting smile. A hand rested on mine to let me know its all okay. No words were ever needed to be spoken in the past because I felt the love. I now feel alone, in the dark. The little sister crying because she wants to play with the big kids. Pushed away and trampled on. My eyes won’t let me cry. There is no safety around me. When everything goes wrong I long to call on my big sister, my hero. Just to put her arms around me and make it all better in her smallest of ways. I guess I am just being the obnoxious, burdensome little sister who is asking too much. I just want something... anything. Please tell me you care. Don’t run away like I am an ugly monster. I have fucked up, this I know. I am trying to swim to the top but these weights tied to me are too heavy.
November 2004
Anorexia is a true battle within yourself. You have these two sides that constantly battle each other which is why its so hard to recover from this awful disease. Now that I am doing well, better than ever before in my life for the longest ever, I feel myself wanting to distroy it all. Why? The question I have been asking myself for a week. Because a part of me feels I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to be happy and do well. Why is that? Because I have told myself I don't deserve anything good or to be happy because I am a bad person who deserves to be punished. Punished.. for what? I need to be punished for all these things I feel I caused. My parents didn't love me, I was never a good enough daughter, I failed them. Now that I can see this I can talk to myself and reassure myself I am deserving of happiness because I am just as worthy of a person as anyone else. Before, I would just relapse and not understand what had come over me when I got so close to doing well. Another thing I see is that, when I am sick people have to notice me. Someone who is dying doesn't go unnoticed. I have written about this before and have been working on showing myself that people do still love me when I am not sick. I am even starting to see that people want to be around me more when I am not sick. I am so determined not to relapse and to fight until the day I die against this. I feel these thoughts come to mind and immediately try to figure out why I am thinking this way and solve it. If it takes calling my psychiatrist that moment, I do it or writing about it, I do it. I do not like being sick.. this I know.. I have to keep this determination against ana to have the life I want. Relapse
scares me more than anything right now but knowing I have the control in my hands to stop it is very empowering.
This is the control I looked for in my eating disorder but not until now being in recovery have I found it. I can control what happens to me by speaking up for myself and acting in ways that improve who I am. Hm.. I like that.
Since I have been eating, not purging and taking care of myself I have seen many positives about recovery. When I run my fingers through my hair I don't have handfuls of hair coming out. I have the energy to get out of the bed in the morning. I am not living in tormented pain of my stomach screaming for food. My joints like to move around instead of getting stuck in place. The bruises all over my body have faded and none have replaced them. My skin has color and not a pale sickly look. I am not constantly thinking of calorie contents in food, which is a freedom for my mind. I feel good emotions and even the bad are not so tough to deal with. I have the energy and willpower to fight. My life is not lived in a huge fog. I can see the good in things and not only the negatives. I do not have cheast pains that hurt enough I cry. I can look at a plate of food and my anxiety levels do not shoot through the roof. I don't have problems with people seeing me eat. I do not see my body as discusting and hidious anymore. Somedays I even look in the mirror and like what I see. That can be how my hair looks or the shade of eyeshadow I have on but I never did that before! I do not have to be afraid of not waking up in the morning. My muscles are not always painfully cramping. I can take a shower without wanting to purge, even if I haven't eaten anything. I can actually put how I feel into words and people can understand what I am saying. I am no longer ashamed of myself for having an ED. My brain can concentrate on things.. anything! I am not afraid of people thinking I am fat. I can eat and know I am good enough for food. I can keep my own self accountable. I feel much better emotionally. I have times where I sit down and say I am happy at this very moment and it feels good.. and those times seem to increase more and more. I am figuring out who I really am past the anorexic girl and no longer want to see myself that way. My main goal in life is to be healthy and happy instead of sick and depressed. I feel like I can succeed in life. My weight no longer determines my mood. I do not have to starve myself to feel like I am in control because I really am not. It is nice to finally feel real control over my life. It is not a sign that I weight to much when I have my period. I do not have to avoid social situations with food any longer. Over all I feel like a different, better, happier person. I am so very glad I fought against this or I wouldn't be able to expierence life. No eating disordered life is a true life.
These are three journal entries of mine I have copied over.
Originally written on Jan. 28, 2006- Feb. 2, 2006 and March 24, 2006.
In our weight-worshiping world how can you become happy with
your body? I would settle for being okay with my looks most
of the time. The media constantly tells us that we need to
improve our looks. The pills, creams and food that will
"make us a better person." Models and actresses tell our
young girls that they have to be thin to be liked by their
own personal appearances. We hear everyone say, "These are my
fat jeans", "If I could lose 10lbs I would be happy", "I am
not allowed to eat that because I am on a diet." We are
never willing to accept how we look because we are always
striving to be perfect. To look like that super model or
that actress. The fact is we are not those people. We never
will be and cannot look like them. There is no perfect and
it doesn't make sense to strive to be something we are not
capable of. That won't stop us from trying though, spending
thousands on plastic surgery and diet products. You cannot
pick up a single woman’s magazine that does not have an
article on how to lose weight. Am I the only one sicken by
the fact that we are so focused on our looks? Not only does
it have diet articles it also have an underweight model on
the cover! We need to promote self-acceptance in our world.
So many people struggle with hating themselves, it is
killing our youth especially. It would prevent so many
suicides, eating disorders and depression. Its disgusting
the image of a woman America has made. Its a standard no one
can live up to and some will die trying. A big advertising
trap to make money on product that claim they can make you
that person. Being unique IS BEAUTIFUL! I will say it
again… Being unique is beautiful!! We should cherish the
things that make us different. It pains me to see so many
women hating themselves when they DO NOT have to.
My question is, in this day women have more power than ever.
We can have the same job as a man. We can vote, drive a car
and wear pants just like men. We even have some of our own
special rights. Why is it that we are more obsessed with our
outward appearance than ever? What would happen if our food
weren’t paired with power? If we didn't feel like eating made
us powerless. If we felt no matter our body shape we are
powerful? When we have tried for decades to be equal to men
why do we look to please them? Hunger is what makes us
human. Why do we have to be shameful of our appetites? What
would happen if we didn't embrace other types of appetites?
The hunger for knowledge or creativity or to make a
difference. We should embrace that our body is made in a way
to tell us what it does need and find that powerful in itself!
I am becoming more frustrated every time I go into a grocery
store. There is no regular food anymore. We have gone to all
no fat, low fat and diet foods. It took me forever just to
find regular ice cream! Did anyone ever stop to think that
maybe- just maybe- some of us were not on diets? Some of us
are trying to be happy with themselves without the constant
message that they should be dieting! Yes, I know that if you
put the word diet on a box it will sell more. The sad thing
is most low fat foods have higher sugar and calorie contents
in them than the regular. The dieter is fighting a losing
battle while I am getting pissed off in the cookie isle! I
just want some normal food, nothing added or taken away.
Like it is suppose to be.