Ana Death

Thank-you all so much for your e-mails of encouragement and seeking encouragement!  Since the article in Shape came out, I've received a lot of e-mails. I promise I will write back to every one of you but since I reply in my spare time it may take up to a week or two for me to get to your e-mail. Thanks for your patience and I look forward to hearing from you!

Want to add me on facebook?

www.facebook.com/missa4314

 Since I opened this site five years ago, I have recieved many e-mails from women and men who struggle with an eating disorder. I read every e-mail and appreciate the time you take out to tell me your story, concerns or thanks. I cannot always respod as quickly as I would like but I do respond to every e-mail as quickly as I can.

 I recieved this e-mail from Heather a few weeks ago and with her permission I am copying it into my blog. I found her e-mail so inspiring and also a well explained story of the damage and hurt EDs cause. I know for myself, I need to be reminded every now and then of where I came from and how bad I don't want to be back in the self-hatred of my anorexia. I hope from my story and stories like Heather's, you will know you are not alone and can also recover from this disease!! Never stop fighting.. its well worth it!

I just listened to your interview from the February 17th broadcast of NPR's Day to Day program and felt deeply compelled to communicate my gratitude and support for your effort to help others suffering from this horrible and fucking ugly disease. My struggles with disordered eating spanned over five years, beginning at the age of 18, during which I self-medicated my emotional imbalances with bulimia, laxative abuse, absurdly excessive exercise regimens, and serial re-encounters with anorexia. My five year journey through self-imposed hell culminated in my intake at a local eating disorder treatment center. Perfectly content to halfheartedly tread through my pathetic self-motivated schedule of weekly nutrition and psychological check-ins, I abhored the thought of entering an institutionalized treatment setting. My mother begged me, threatened, yelled and cried. In fact, whether or not I was aware of it at the time, my slow mental and physical decay made quite a few people yell and cry. For obvious ethical reasons, I was refused further care or consult by both my nutritionist and medical doctor. My circumstance had come to "require more help" than my professional eating disorder entourage could feasibly provide or legally be responsible for. Despite their strict monitoring of my weight and vital signs, insistent instructions, and intense emotional appeals I progressed deeper into darkness, and slowly my army of activists began to dwindle. Thanks in large part to my mother, who for reasons unbeknownst to me never forsake the hateful fury that had become her daughter, I entered the Providence St Vincent Eating Disorder Program. Looking back, I am eternally grateful for her determination and commitment to my life. If not for her and very few other people, I would certainly be dead today. Dead and gone.

For the first time since early high school, I can proudly proclaim newfound health and appreication for life. I still find it hard to internalize the extent of life I wasted with the disease in its various mutations and how sickeningly precarious my dance with death became during that time. I hurt so many people, and hurt myself. My few genuinely valuable relationships from that time have inched toward healing (forgiveness is an incredible and unexplainable phenomenon), my psyche has been completely overhauled and reassembled but much of the physical damage I inflicted on my body during those years will remain until death. I have severe severe osteoporosis. The densabone scan I received during treatment measured my bone density to be below that of the average 80-90 year old person. Below average. The hospital medical analyst admitted to never before encountering such progressed and desolate results. At best I could hope to re-accrue an additional 30 percent of my current bone density. The news met me with a degree of hysterical despair I had never felt before. I never consciously intended to kill myself or damage my body beyond repair... but how could I have failed to recognize that I was doing exactly that? In addition, I later learned that my self-destruction likely compromised my reproductive health and forever destroyed any chance of future conception. Only time will reveal the full extent of my

The peculiar thing is, I don't feel sorry for the body or life I now live with. I feel sooo lucky to have healthy organs, to be alive each day and pursue my dreams and passions surrounded by people that love me very much, to get up each morning and look at myself proudly in the mirror - not because I suspect I may be skinnier than the day before - but because I'm alive, and I have been given a second chance at life regardless of the shape my body now takes or how it will evolve in the years to come. I am getting married this summer to a wonderful man who is largely responsible for inspiring my recovery and supporting me through instances of weakness. Sometimes when I fall asleep at night curled up next to him, I wonder why he stayed... why anyone can still look me in the eye let alone love me, why I deserve to be alive after all the years of gruesome abuse I forced my body and mind to endure. I don't know, I have no answers. All I can say for the beautiful life I now lead is that sometimes life gives us second chances for reasons we cannot recognize; it is not my place to wonder why, but rather learn from my suffering and make each new day count. I will never go back to that place. Regardless of all the shit, the evil, the reprehensible discourse that marrs this world, life is sooo soo beautiful. Eating disorders shield that beauty from the human consciousness and destroy personal happiness, humor, wit, intellectual capacity, mental health, social and familial connections... the list could go on forever.

I love healthy me.

No human body is perfect. Surrendering to an eating disorder does not demonstrate elitism or transcendence above "normal" or "healthy" people. Disordered eating is an attempt to escape your own mental prison, but ironically, creates a prison in its own right. I have never know an uglier or more devastating force than disordered eating. Nothing else can destroy quality of life like that.

I fear I have begun to ramble haha. Mainly I just want to commend you on your recovery and your effort towards helping others. I'm not religious, but in a manner of speaking, god bless you. You are not alone. Voices of recovery can and must speak louder than self destruction. Life is waiting for all of us.

Thank-you Heather!    -Missa

I consider it a blessing that I haven't felt like I have much to blog about!  For years, I have had many blogs and at times I had to write several times a day just to get through that day. I am very happy to say I am a whole year relapse-free!! I have had my share of life stressors but have worked very hard to learn how to cope without food and I think I may have gotten the hang of it pretty well. I always reflect back on all the amazing people who have helped me along this journey and I am so grateful and blessed. Some are still in my life and some not but none will be forgotten. It takes a lot of support to be in recovery and I know it has been the most helpful to me having an awesome support system.

I have been sick with everything (pretty much) since Christmas. From a cold, the flu, sinus infection, bronchitis, stomach virus and upper respiratory inffection...and dental surgery! Its been very frustrating but I haven't let it get me down. I should of expected it when I decided to work with kids but it has been worth it. I feel like I am in a constant state of trying to gain weight. After I get well, I do my best to get to my weight before and then am hit with something else. I'm sure it will end one day and I will just keep doing what I am doing until then.

I'm very excited about two trips coming up to Cancun and New York. Two places I have always wanted to go and see! That will keep me busy for a while and I hope to get some needed rest and relaxation.

Keep fighting!

Always, M

I have blogged for many years through this site. It helps me to put my feelings out there. I never knew if anyone read them until I started getting replies about how its helpful to read someone talk about recovery. I don't have the time right now to go through and update my whole page so this is my update of how things are.

I had an awesome response from the NPR interview I did a couple of weeks ago. I am glad it was helpful and spread awareness. It was very motivating to me because I had been having a very tough few weeks myself and the interview reinforced all the reasons I have to keep fighting. It reminded me of where I used to be and how bad I never want to be there again. When I get upset or stressed, its easy for me to let myself slip with my food. I lose my focus and figure eating isn't a big deal when I have to always remember it wouldn't take much for me to slip back into my anorexia.

Change is one of those hurdles I still have trouble dealing with. I do think I have gotten a lot better but it still throws me for a loop. The most difficult for me right now is two close friends moving away. I know they are just going to be living somewhere different and I am not losing them, its just tough to not have them here.

This past weekend, it was sunny and warm. Of course, me and my friends decided we needed to start early on our tans.. haha! To my suprise, I didn't have that freak out I usually do when I realize swim suit season is here. I took a moment to reassure myself that I was okay and was able to not allow myself to focus on it the rest of the day. It was wonderful to just have fun and not worry over how I looked.

I am really looking forward to the next few months. Summer time is my favorite time of year and I always get excited thinking of sitting on the beach and going out on the boat. My boyfriend and I have a few trips planned that are going to be a lot of fun!

 So, my spirits are high and I am doing just fine =)

Just to let all of you know... I will be blogging here from now on instead of caring bridge or myspace.