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Veritas
blog / diary
Day
one
I
have given this a great deal of thought
And I can announce today the formation of the official
" Kick Gerry McCann in the Nuts" fund tm.
I am seeking donations to equip me to go to Portugal,
and administer the kind of retribution that really will bring a tear to his
eye.
It is a relatively low-cost project, as I shall require
only the following
Return Air Fare ( Very happy to accept use of a private
jet, if one is on offer. )
Modest hotel accommodation ( Perhaps Mark Warners would
like to put me up )
Doc Marten boot (Steel toecap variety)
Supply of Red Bull energy drink ( so I can keep up my
strike-rate )
I suggest that contributors might like to sponsor my
boots, or even the laces.
I will shortly be publishing a large diagram of Gerry's
nuts.
This will be sub-divided with a grid reference, so you
can specify a specific area where you would like me to kick him.
I was also thinking in terms of a workplace sweepstake
to accompany this. Then everyone can join in the fun.
I see this as positive action, girls. and boys.
The McCanns said they can't just sit around and do
nothing (could have fooled me )
Well neither can I
Dig deep. I am off to practice on a couple of oranges
suspended from my washing line.
Day
two
I
thought as this appears to be a slow evening you might all appreciate an
update on the progress of the :
" Kick Gerry McCann in the Nuts " Fund tm
First of all, many thanks to those of you who were kind
enough to pledge your sponsorship of my boots and laces.
This has allowed me to get into training straight away,
and means that I should be an expert nut-kicker by the time we get to
Portugal.
Donations have also been flowing in. Check the bottom of
the page for regular updates on the number of sponsored kicks to date. Many
thanks to you all. your generosity will help to ensure that it will be many
years before Gerry McCann will be able to wear normal pants again.
As you may remember, my early training consisted of
kicking two oranges suspended from the washing line.
Thanks to a vigorous exercise programme, I have now
progressed to the point where I can kick a coconut over the garden fence,
with both power and accuracy, so I think we're nearly there. My soccer
advisor wishes to remain anonymous, but I could not have reached this level
without his help. So, many thanks, and a big hello to Victoria and the boys.
However, due to recent developments in the case, time
may not be on our side. It will become difficult to ensure the successful
delivery of the fund objectives if Gerry gets his collar felt before I get
there. So please, give generously !!
Of course in the event that Gerry is locked away in the
slammer before the Fund mission is achieved, then rest assured that your
donations will not have been in vain. The fund will continue to support my
mission to kick other child neglecting b'stards in the nuts whenever the
opportunity arises.
Opportunities for commercial sponsorship still exist.
Companies wishing to provide flight or hotel accommodation can visit the
official website, www.givethebastardagoodkicking.net.tc
Well, I must return to my training. My expert coach has
placed two watermelons on the lawn, and I will be attempting to kick them
over the top of the greenhouse.
Wish me luck !
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Day three
We
can also announce that a collection will be taken at all major football
fixtures this Saturday, so please do offload your spare change - every little
helps. !!!!
Day
four
Anybody
fancy helping me with my training?
Today I am attempting to kick coconuts over the top of
the neighbours' garage.
I need help with placing and retrieval, if anyone is
interested.
It's a good cause !!
Day five
Announcement
We have had an overwhelming response to the appeal for people to donate items for the charity auction.
You have all been most generous, and I feel confident we will be able to swell the appeal coffers significantly as a result.
However, I do feel at this point that I must stress we are unable to accept any donated human organs for sale.
Whilst it is a noble sacrifice on your part, to want to offer us that spare kidney, it really is a step too far. Please, think again !
And to the gentleman who was kind enough to offer us his prosthetic limb for auction, you are most kind, sir, but the chances of finding a unidexter at the auction who is in the market for your leg are probably remote, so we will pass on that, if it's all the same.
Many thanks.
Day six
Announcement
Well done, Ladies and Gentleman !!
I am proud to announce that this evening, thanks in no small part to a sizeable donation of Nectar points, that the Kick-Meter passed the 2000 barrier !!
This is in no small part due to the dedication of those of you who have carted buckets round the beach, held car boot sales, sold all your possessions and auctioned your children on Ebay.
Our next target is a challenging one - can we make it to the magic 3000 ?
Come back for regular updates.
Also, on a very positive note, I have been seeking new ways to improve my kicking effectiveness. My seven yesr old nephew came up with a wonderful idea, so as from tomorrow, the website will close for one hour each day, while i steep my feet in vinegar and bake them in the oven.
See you all tomorrow.
Day seven
Evening all.
Well the campaign continues to gather strength. Many thanks for all your hard work, it is really paying off.
My skill with the boot improves all the time, and my mystery celebrity coach is very pleased with my progress. We are especially pleased with how well the "War cry" we have devised, helps to focus and channel my energy. When it comes to delivering the kicks on the big day, I hope it will add to the experience for all concerned. Audience participation will be encouraged, so if any of you would like to start getting some practice in beforehand, the cry consists of me shouting in a very loud voice :
" Take that you B'stard !!"
......as each kick is delivered.
It certainly adds to the experience for me !
We are also in negotiations with the PJ, to take on a special commision for them, to show their gratitude for the way Gerry and his extended family have treated them.
They too would like to give Gerrry something to remember, but are unsure which method they prefer. We have narrowed this to a shortlist, and if you have time to click on the link, perhaps you could tell us which is
your own special favourite ?
http://www.raqsmediacollective.....k/h47b.htm
Look out for further details over the weekend.
Good night to you all
Day eight
There is no doubt that devoting myself full time to this campaign has affected my income. Having to move to a smaller, more modest villa was a real comedown, but I am determined to put a brave face on it . I will manage.
Although I do miss the pool Sigh !!
And the costs are rocketing.
Coconuts and watermelons for training purposes do not come cheap, a pair of boots only lasts me a week, and the cost of bulk supplies of vinegar for hardening up my feet has escalated out of control.
Donations of Redbull have been very welcome, especially as I have scarcely eaten in a week ( To be honest, the availability of lobster and smoked salmon at my secret training camp in the Algarve, is pretty poor. I'd rather go without !)
Of course, technically, I'm not broke.
Its just that most of the fund money is pretty much untouchable in a secret Swiss bank account. I did pop the loose change, ( Not much, just the last couple of hundred thou ) in my wallet, but then some filthy B'stard nicked it while I was queueing for my family allowance, so it has been a difficult time, especialy as the diagram of Gerry's nuts together with the grid references of all the sponsored kicks to date was in my wallet at the time.
Really, I am not bothered about the money, but that diagram represents hours and hours of work for the campaign team, and I would be very grateful if the person who took it could return it as soon as possible. It would be nice if, by way of apology they could see their way to also returning the priceless oil painting which was in my wallet at the time, and which the insurance company seem sceptical about.
So thank you for your concern. The articles of the company do allow for my own personal expenses to be paid for from the fund monies, and I ensure all contributors that these will be very, very modest. Honest
Many thanks
Day nine
Update
Good morning nutkickers.
Sorry there has been a short delay in updating the blog, but I was unexpectedly called away to be a keynote speaker at a very prestigious event, and I have only just arrived back. Wink
News of our campaign has travelled far and wide, it appears, and I do have to be honest, it was a surprise to be invited to speak to the United Nations, but also a great honour. It seems that our unusual approach to dispensing justice i.e., to kick people in the nuts, is finding favour across the world, and you can see why, really.
Firstly, there is the deterrent value.
Your average pickpocket will think twice about sneaking a hand inside your coat, if he knows that, should he be caught, his ****** will be making contact with the swift boot of justice. Laughing
Parole violators will be deterred from reoffending if they have an appreciation that, prior to being returned to their cell, they will undergo a distinctly unpleasant hoofing to the *********, as a little reminder of what will happen to them next time they try to get smart with me, boy.
So, after having explained the benefits of a knacker punting programme to the assembled dignitaries, I am delighted to report that they gave us a mandate to move forward, and were also kind enough to give me a three minute standing ovation, which I am of course , too modest to mention. Wink
On a sadder note, I sustained a small fracture in training (well, it happens to the best of us, according to my celebrity soccer coach) so I am having to ease back on the training at the moment. However this is expected to repair quite quickly. I am keeping my fitness levels up by counting the donations to the fund – again many thanks.
I must just say a huge thank you to the person who was kind enough to return my wallet last week. It was a shame it did not arrive back before the insurance company paid out, but still. It was good of you to take the time and trouble, and very good to have the KickGrid tm returned.
Finally, many of you have asked when the shop will be open for business.
Soon, very soon. I am just in the process of finalising details of the McParty pack range, and we will be ready to hear those tills ring.
The Basic Party pack, containing 9 wine glasses and a bumper pack of Junior Vallium, is ready for market, but the deluxe version, with the above, plus 14 bottle of wine, some bleach and a pair of rubber gloves, may not be on sale until Christmas. We do however expect McCluedo to be available soon, and you will be able to have endless fun for all the family, deciding whether it was Dr McCann , in the apartment, with the vallium, or some other entirely fictitious scenario.
In response to the many requests for posters, these will of course be available at the nominal fee of £4.99, and can only be purchased with another item, or in multiples of 50
I am also pleased to announce that the KickMeter tm has broken the 3500 barrier. This is a testament to your hard work and dedication. Every penny you give gets translated into my boot making contact with his nuts. I could not do it without you. Cool
Click here and gimme all your money
Paypal, Clubcard and Nectar card
point, Airmiles, all major credit cards.
For those strapped for ready cash we have an arrangement
with 'Picture the loan' where for a modest interest rate of 525%APR you can
ensure you will be paying for the gonad punting for the remainder of your
working life. And beyond
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