Alex's Asylum
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Love Song of the Redneck
Love is the sparkle in your bloodshot eyes,
When it refracts the chrome of your trailer.
Love is the way your squeaky voice cries,
When screaming at a nearby police’n jailor.

Love is like your shimmering grin,
While flashing your every-other-tooth-missing smile.
Love is the way your tattoo sings to me like a violin,
And only love can express your oversized trash pile.

Your Wal-Mart shirt is a definite bonus,
And your jacked up old Ford Bronco makes me drool.
But when it comes to society bogus,
The only genius on that is you.

Oh! when will you notice my supreme charisma?
And save me from living twenty more years with Momma’?

What a Corny Sense of Humor
Yo waiter, over here
Yes I have a complaint, nimwit
Look here, next to my burger
One of my fries is burnt!

Wait, where are you going?
Hello, I’ve got a rancid potato here!
What’s that you say?
We’ll see who is the true nutcase!

And maybe that’s the way life works
Nobody’ll listen unless your Diet Coke’s in flames
We just stagger through life
Looking for somebody to blame
And either God has a corny sense of humor
Or he thinks this is like some Simsä game
Well it’s about time to unplug his computer

Yo umpire, hang on
Yeah I’m arguing, idiot
Don’t call me up to bat yet
I’ve got a sunflower seed in my teeth I need to pick

Wha? What’s this?
I only asked to pull a seed from my teeth!
Oh so this is how we now play
By taking me out of the game?

And maybe that’s the way life works
Nobod’ll care unless you’re beating a team player with a bat
We just limp through life
Looking for somebody to watch our back
And either God has a corny sense of humor
Or he believes he’s toughening us up
Maybe if he’d open his eyes, he’d see I’m not bough

Yo teacher, wait up
Yes you, Thick ‘Ead
Last night I was playing till level six
And I’m far too tired for this quiz

Well hello
Is there something wrong with videogames?
Oh this is rich, really rich
“Helping” me by ripping up my quiz

And maybe that’s how life works
Nobody’ll bow to you unless your IQ has reached genius
We just fumble through life
Looking for somebody to look for us
And either God has a corny sense of humor
Or this is simply a movie to watch
So with a bag of popcorn he glares from his couch

Yo king of the world!
Yes I’m speaking to you, Frogwalloper
You rule, and not luck
But frankly, my life sucks

Whoa, hang on!
You don’t want to have me hanged?
It’s what all those other people would do…
Oh I get it, I see, I’m a lot like you

We both know this is how life works
Don’t count on anybody living it for you
Just keep walking through life
Trying to look cool
And God must have a corny sense of humor
To watch us live like this
But remember, this is as good as it gets.

This is as good as it gets.

And God must have a corny sense of humor
To watch us live like this
But we now know, this is as good as it gets

Schizophrenic
You’ve got a lot of time,
I’ve got too much on my mind.
You’ve got too much rest,
I’ve got a load on my chest.
You grin,
I frown,
You laugh,
And I fall down.

Show me the wonders of life,
Without using your eyes.
Make me understand it,
Without giving me the answer.
I’m just here to learn,
About a nonexistent form.

You’ve got a shiny red car,
I’ve got a cart from Wal-Mart.
You’ve got too many friends,
I’ve got a back that bends
Far too often.
You swoon,
I sigh,
You faint,
I will die.

Show me the wonders of life,
Without using your eyes.
Make me understand it,
Without giving me the answer.
I’m just here to learn,
About a nonexistent form.

You’ve got a calculator,
I’ve got a problem waiter.
You’ve got too much joy,
I’ve got an ‘unemployed’.
You dance,
I stumble,
You speak,
And I grumble.

Show me the wonders of life,
Without using your eyes.
Make me understand it,
Without giving me the answer.
I’m just here to learn,
About a nonexistent form.

Show me the wonders of life,
Without using your eyes.
Make me understand it,
Without giving me the answer.
I’m just here to learn,
About a nonexistent form.

You don’t have
A smile on your face.
I don’t have
A scowl to replace.
You don’t have
A watch to keep time.
I don’t have
a piece of my mind.
You are
The other part of me.
I just
Won’t take the time to see.
You are
Nonexistent.
I am
Blind to not see it.

I’ve seen the wonders of life
While opening my eyes.
I have understood it,
Now that I’ve got the answer.
And now I’ve finally learned,
That you’re a nonexistent form.

You fall,
I laugh,
You cringe,
I have beaten you at last.

Robot (parody of Hillary Duff's "Why Not")
Some points to mark:
Numera uno: This is a parody of Hillary Duff’s Why Not. Must thank little sister for blaring this on her CD player for inspiration (and reminder of how much I hate good old Hillary).
Numera dos: Got the robot idea from watching too much Anime. Besides samurais they sure love their robots.
Numera trece: Original song sung by Hillary Duff, produced by Disney (which, by the way, owns everything). I do NOT take any credit for coming up with this song but these lyrics are all © of me.
Numera quatro: This’ll sound really stupid as I made everything off the top of my head as the song was playing. Didn’t bother fixing it.
Numera sinco: I can’t spell Spanish numbers

Think you’re going to your death
When you’re walking down the street
And I’m sad to say you’re not far off
When you see just what you’ll meet

You might not really like that
‘Cause dying’s not that cool
And I’m sorry to say again
That it’ll happen to you

So walk a little slower
And savor your fading life
‘Cause at the end of this road
My machine you will fight

Robot!
Eat this crazy man
Robot!
Break heck loose in Japan
Inside his metal mouth
Your body, it will nosh
My robot
Robot

Robot!
Eat this crazy man
Robot!
Break heck loose in Japan

You always dress in yellow
Now you can dress in blood
Instead of living through your life
I sent my killer ‘bot
Cartoons have never been so fun
Till we got to kill you
So throw him in your mouth
And chew, Robo, chew

Robot!
Eat this crazy man
Robot!
Break heck loose in Japan
Inside his metal mouth
Your body, it will nosh
My robot
Robot

Oh
I could have let you live
Oh, yeah
Maybe yes and maybe no
Oh
It’s the good thing to do
But what’s the point of that
When you’re a treat for Robo?

You’ll never get to heaven
Your fate is robot fat
And trust me, I’ve made sure of that

Robot!
Devour your food
Robot!
Don’t tell me, #2?
(ew, ew, ew)
It might take a little
It might take a lot
My robot
Robot

Robot!
Eat this crazy man
Robot!
Break heck loose in Japan
Inside his metal mouth
Your body, it will nosh
My robot
Robot

Please Shut Up

This is my rap song
Yeah that’s right, rap
You got a prob with that?
You do? Too bad
You don’t revolve around the world
So sit back, don’t say a word
And endure the trash of this angry white girl

I ain’t the real Shady, no, I ain’t the real Shady
But all the otha' Shadys can just give up
But will the real Slim Shady
Please shut up, please shut up
Will the real Slim Shady
Please shut up

Don’t see much talent with rap
Except that they talk really fast
But that’s gift, lookit their cash
This music ain’t dandy
But money comes in handy
Hey! Remember when M&M was a candy?

I ain’t the real Shady, no, I ain’t the real Shady
But all the otha' Shadys can just give up
But will the real Slim Shady
Please shut up, please shut up
Will the real Slim Shady
Please shut up

I ain’t the type
Who’ll sit and write
To waste your time
To waste MY time
But hey, it sounded fun
Bugging you till the day was done
I’ll give you three seconds to run
RUN!

I ain’t the real Shady, no, I ain’t the real Shady
But all the otha' Shadys can just give up
But will the real Slim Shady
Please shut up, please shut up
Will the real Slim Shady
Please shut up

This song ain’t humanity
‘Cause there’s no profanity
It’s just insanity
You try writing some rap song
And find it ain’t like Pong
Losing your mind in a little white ball

HaHaHaHa
Lose yourself
In Pong
HaHaHaHa

I ain’t the real Shady, no, I ain’t the real Shady
But all the otha' Shadys can just give up
But will the real Slim Shady
Please shut up, please shut up
Will the real Slim Shady
Please shut up

Hobbit Got Gagged (Lord of the Rings Fanfic, parody of Baby Got Back)

[Intro]

Oh, my, God. Rosie, look at her feet.

They are so small. *scoff* She looks like,

One of those Rohan man’s girlfriends.

But y’know, who understands those Gondor men? *scoff*

They only dance with her, because,

She looks like a total Elf, ‘kay?

I mean, her feet, they’re just so small. *scoff*

I can’t believe they’re just so flat, it’s like,

Not hairy, I mean—gross. Look!

She’s just so…tacky!

[Sir Pip-a-Pint] (Pippin)

I like small feet and I cannot lie

You other Hobbits can’t deny

That when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty leg

And a big foot in your face

I get sick! Wanna pop it off

‘Cause you notice that foot is mock

Shoes she’s never wearing

I’m hooked and I can’t stop staring

Oh small foot, I wanna make ya mine

And have a pint

My Merry tried to tell me

But that big foot is oh-so ugly

Ooh, Riven-dumb-foot

You say you never wear shoes?

Well plug me, plug me

‘Cause with you I gotta plug my nose

I’ve seen you skippin’

If you had socks, they’d be rippin’

She stinks, stinks

Got it goin’ like a turbo reek

I’m tired of my friends

Sayin’ big feet is the trend

Take the average Big People and ask them that

She gotta have feet that aren’t fat

So Hobbits (Yeah!) Buddies! (Yeah!)

Has your girlie got the feet? (Oh yeah!)

Tell ‘em to trim it! (Trim it!) Trim it! (Trim it!)

Trim that ugly foot!

Hobbit got gagged!

(Elven face with a Shire footy)

Hobbit got gagged!

I like ‘em small and smooth

Even when I’m drinking some booze

I know big feet are crazy

Big things are just so lazy

I wanna get some Lysol

And ew, spray it, ew, ew

I ain’t talkin’ ‘bout Rosie

‘Cause Sam would flippin’ kill me

But I want ‘em small

So find that tiny toe

Pip-a-Pint is at the go

Beggin’ for a piece of so-so

So I’m reading boring books

About stomping Hobbit looks

You can have your barren

I’ll keep my ladies just like Arwen

Don’t want a sista, who’s feet are hairy twista’s

I won’t smirk or giggle

But I gotta be honest when I say I wanna shave

‘Til the part of day

Little feet are the way

And now I’m a disgrace

‘Cause them Hobbits dance and prance

And I’d rather blanch

‘Cause I’m sick, and groan

And I wanna go home

So Hobbits! (Yeah!) Hobbits! (Yeah!)

If you want me to come and boogie

Show me your foot ain’t spooky

‘Cause even Frodo’s got to shout

Hobbit got gagged!

Yeah, Merry…when it comes to ladies, Gondor knows everything.

Small and non-hairy and I like it like that!

Original

They say when you hit rock bottom there's no place but up...I've started digging
They told me not to touch the roses
I did
And now my thumb’s bleeding
They told me not to eat the crayons
I did
And now my pimples are pastel

They told me to wash my hands
I didn’t
Now my French (excuse me, freedom) fries taste like dirt
They told me to mow the grass
I didn’t
And now I can’t find my puppy in the depths of my backyard jungle

Why don’t you listen?
Wha? I’m sorry, repeat that. I wasn’t listening
Why do you mock me?
If brains were snot, you wouldn’t be able to blow your nose
Why do you act crazy, when I know you’re not?
Where in fact is fancy bread, in the heart or in the head?
Will you talk to me?
….
Will you stop snapping back at me?
I DON’T SNAP BACK! Jerk…
Is it that hard to respect me?
I can’t handle the pain
Please do what I want you to do…it’s not a question, it’s a command

They told me not to touch the roses
I didn’t
And now the flower’s dead
They told me not to eat the crayons
I didn’t
My cat got to them first...and choked

They told me to wash my hands
I did
And I found I have an allergic reaction to the soap
They told me to mow the grass
I did
And I ran over my puppy in the vast plains of my yard

My Sword will Kill On (Parody of My Heart Will Go On)

*I do not take credit for the original music from Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On only the lyrics are officially © of me.*

Every day in my fights
I use you, I jab you
That is how I know you kill on

Far into evil flesh
Beasts, goblins, and cave trolls
You pierce to show you will kill on

Wraith, man, whomever you jam
I believe that the sword does kill on
A—gain, another dude dead
And once more have killed
And you will kill on and on

You can touch just one time
And take away a lifetime
And never quit ‘till we are done

Death was when I held you
When I had thrust you
In my fights I know we’ll kill on

Blood, guts, this death’s for us
I believe that the sword does kill on
Once more, a head on the floor
And once more have killed
And you will kill on and on

There is some armor that will not be pierced

With you, eve’ry thing I slew
And I know that you will kill on
We’ll slay forever this way
You are safe in my hands
And I know you will kill on and on

Pink Trench Coat Blues

Uh, uh, uh huh, yeah
Never would have thunk it
Never would have dreamed it
A shame I'm the one
Who's gotta relive it

Welcome to the Land of Happy Rainbows
Pity, I'm your host
Just bare with me and my song
Just to let you know you've been warned

Yeah, yeah, uh huh,
So life ain't exactly up
You got that right, Sputnik
You wanna know when things really stink?
When you clad yourself in something pink

[chorus]
Yup, that's right
I suffer from the Pink Trench Coat Blues
Oh yeah, what a bummer
Next it will be those high heel shoes
Uh huh, sure
None would ever think
It'd be me dressed in that pink
Oh, those Pink Trench Coat Blues
Sure can get a fella' down
And what's worse is I use
That devil coat all over town
Neva' would have guessed
That it would be my way of dress
Just please don't let it happen to you
Those deadly Pink Trench Coat Blues
Mmhmm, yeah
Look at my physical abuse
When infected with that Pink Trench Coat Blues

Ohh yeah
Now it's the joker who's got the stick
[laughs]
Watch as the knight runs off real quick
Yup, you got it
And now the princess is the loon
Aw, but what a shame
That the dragon got the Pink Trench Coat Blues

Oh, ha ha
Makes me look all fancy and rich
Wait, what the—
But in it I sure look like the town's…[laughs]
Passin' the pub, drunkards, and booze
Perhaps just a peek wouldn't hurt
If only I didn’t suffer from the Pink Trench Coat Blues
Maybe I'd be able to blend in a little more

Take my band to that Irish bar
And play for the drunken eejits
Of course, we'd only get so far
Before they realize we're not talented midgets

Whoa, whoa, whoa
At least we'd get to Mamba No. 2
Hey, hey, hey
Before they spot my Pink Trench Coat Blues

[chorus]
Yup, that's right
I suffer from the Pink Trench Coat Blues
Oh yeah, what a bummer
Next it will be those high heel shoes
Uh huh, sure
None would ever think
It'd be me dressed in pink
Oh, those Pink Trench Coat Blues
Sure can get a fella' down
And what's worse is I use
That devil coat all over town
Neva' would have guessed
That it would be my way of dress
Just please don't let it happen to you
That deadly Pink Trench Coat Blues
Mmhmm, yeah
Look at my physical abuse
When infected with those Pink Trench Coat Blues

But one day when they're walking down the street
Uh huh
You just wait and see whom they meet
Yup, yup
And say, "you've won that Planet Xerox cruise!"
You got it
It'd be the one in the Pink Trench Coat Blues

You wanna know my plan?
You wanna know the clues?
I chucked that coat in that honkin' trashcan
Yet, I'm still not ridded of those Pink Trench Coat Blues

[laughs]
And you wanna know what's funny?
And you wanna know what's ironic?
I'm no longer in the land of pink bunnies
But on second thought, I never was!

[chorus]
Yup, that's right
I suffer from the Pink Trench Coat Blues
Oh yeah, what a bummer
Next it will be those high heel shoes
Uh huh, sure
None would ever think
It'd be me dressed in pink
Oh, those Pink Trench Coat Blues
Sure can get a fella' down
And what's worse is I use
That devil coat all over town
Neva' would have guessed
That it would be my way of dress
Just please don't let it happen to you
Those deadly Pink Trench Coat Blues
Mmhmm, yeah
Look at my physical abuse
When infected with those Pink Trench Coat Blues

And I'll have you know
When that garbage truck comes tomorrow
That coat will grab a new owner
And the chaotic world will be out of order
Until its pockets finally find you
And then you'll know the pain of the Pink Trench Coat Blues

Superhero Supplements (bad taste)

[spoken]
School ain’t worth nothin’ to ya now. Sure it teaches ya science and history and stuff, but when it comes to real life, you got nothin’. Who needs math when you really need to learn how to survive on the streets? Who needs Language Arts when you need to learn how to keep outta trouble? School ain’t nothin’, so skip it for today and lemme give you yer lesson.

[sung]
This is a few words
About Lady 4
She thought she had the whole
And life was just felt so full
When the truth was she had nothing

“Come and rescue us!”
Ev’rybody used to say
And Lady 4 would fly to save the day
She did it voluntarily, without pay
And every time they asked, she’d say,
“I already have everything.”

Life was as sweet as jam
Knowing she had the love of Triangle Man
Oblivious to his plan
That her love he had banned.

(Hey, hey, hey)
So what if I know life sucks?
At least I try not to show
The way I fall for you
When you taste like sardine Jell-O
(Wait, what the—?)
My tacky green dress
Looks fine, I guess
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)
‘Cause we know where the party’s at
Where love-at-first site is based
‘Till they drop you like a sewer rat…
So maybe we’ve got bad taste

[spoken]
It’s funny how life can plummet, and when ya think it can’t get worse…it does.

[sung]
The Calculator Kid
Was what all the guys tried to get
Coincidence how she could land
In the traitor hands
Of, none other, Triangle Man

And when Lady 4 is happy
She finally begins to feel sappy
When Triangle Man’s kiss
Is a painful bliss
And her own heart is what she’ll miss

Pity how a heart can’t be taken back
Firmly packaged in bubble wrap
When the heart has finally failed
Not even Duct Tape can bail
You out of your mess

(Hey, hey, hey)
So what if I know life sucks?
At least I try not to show
The way I fall for you
When you taste like sardine Jell-O
(Wait, what the—?)
My tacky green dress
Looks fine, I guess
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)
‘Cause we know where the party’s at
Where love-at-first site is based
‘Till they drop you like a sewer rat…
So maybe we’ve got bad taste

So happily ever after
Live Triangle and Calculator
Unaware of 4’s sorrow
With a chest that is now hollow
She only waits tomorrow
For absolutely nothing

Life may not mean
All it’s cracked up to be
But take it from me
Never trust you have everything
Because once you believe
It’s all taken away and smashes your dreams

[spoken]
So maybe we shouldn’t dream. Maybe we shouldn’t love. Maybe we shouldn’t even live, if life’s gonna be like this.

[sung]
(Oh, oh, oh)
But we will keep on dreaming
And we will keep on loving
Even though we see the world sucks
And now we finally know
That you taste like sardine Jell-O
(Yeah, I understand)
Do I like my tacky green dress?
Maybe no, maybe yes
(Love it, hate it)
Don’t ask us where the party’s at
We’ve given it up with disgrace
Unless, of course, you don’t mind sewer rats
‘Cause, yeah, we’ve got bad taste

[spoken]
Tasty.

Alex's Asylum Welcome to the institute

Alex's Asylum
Welcome to the institute