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Letter One
TO: MY HERO. hide, the pink spider, the ever free hide~ I know you won't get this, or ever read it, because... well, you're dead. As much as I respect and love you for your music and kindheartedness, and just for being you and being such an inspiration and guiding light to your fans... you're an idiot. What were you thinking? I guess I'll never know that, huh? Whatever it was, it wasn't that smart. I don't think you really meant to do it, and if you -did-, you wouldn't have if you were sober. Drunk off your ass, you bastard. I never knew you, didn't even know -of- you until just recently. But I still feel like I -did-. Like you were a close friend. And I suppose we do know eachother. I know you through your music and you just have a connection with your fans. But, besides that, I still love, admire, and respect you. You have at least one fan who isn't totally mad and blaming it all on you. Sure, if you hadn't been drunk nothing probably would have happened. But it was all in fun and you didn't know what was going to happen. it was all a big mistake. A horrible, painful mistake. Learning of your death was the final straw for my choice -never- to drink. I feel we're a lot alike, in that respect. Alcohol, I mean. I'd probably do the same thing. Make the same mistake and devastate my friends and family. Maybe you know this now, but there's always a safe escape route. I know it, at least. For me, it's Jesus. Have you heard about him? He's the reason I'm alive today. I attempted suicide when I was 13, in February '04. It's been almost a year now and I'm glad I'm alive, even if life does hurt. But anyway, Yoshiki, after losing his childhood friend (Toshi), the person he most respected (who was another -great- friend)... I admire him too. He didn't take the 'easy' way out. Suicide is pretty selfish, you know. Not as 'easy' as people say it is. You have to be so deep, selfish, and uncaring to commit it. And then, when you're dead, everyone that cared and loved you, is now deeper in depression than you. So you just screw everyone over, and in the end, you're not free of anything. All your happiness (which seemed non-existant or miniscule then), is gone, and you're stuck with the depression and knowledge that you totally messed everyone up. This is just me talking (or writing, whatever) here, not accusing you. I love you, and that's why I am, in a way, glad you died, because you saved -my- life. Sounds selfish. But I'm sure you've saved others. Your songs have, if not your death. I cry every time I listen to Forever Love, the song X played at your funeral. Was Toshi there? It's a sad song. I once thought Crucify my Love was more appropriate, but now that I've read the translations of Forever Love, it is so appropriate for your funeral. It's such a beautiful song. You're such a beautiful person. Your music is phenomenal. Your voice is beautiful and your guitar skills are unrivalled. I wish I could have seen you in concert, but the tour/concert DVDs will have to suffice. I want one of your T-shirts, but they're always sold out. I apologize for downloading instead of buying. I promise I'll get them soon, to support you, and X's, too, then delete the mp3's from my computer. I want X's DVDs, too. It was such an amazing band. It still is. It's sad that Yoshiki no longer plays drums, but it was and is a noble and fitting sacrifice. He still loves you. I love you. Your fans love you, and none will ever forget or stop appreciating you. I hate your 3,2,1 album. I refuse to buy it, and it offends me. Did you really write the lyrics? It's disgusting, and I hope not. But even though that album is not to my liking, I still respect, love, and admire you. I'm dyeing my hair like you. It's so cool that you became a beautician. You're so skilled. I really like and admire that. I am going to have a birthday party for you. Happy 40th birthday, stupid. I mean that in the nicest possible way, of course. And a ceremony to acknowledge your death and departure from the physical world. I don't believe you were Christian. Even so, even if it's selfish, I still wish a second chance for you. Choose right this time. I want to meet you in death. Or life, just not physical. You're my hero, even though your death was far from noble. I do love you. So much. I'm sorry for... whatever I should be sorry for. I'm not mad at you though. Just at the evil in the world, at your alcoholism and at alcohol. Don't you wish you could take it back? I would. You learned, though. Lives are fragile. I hope to meet Yoshiki. To tell him, "Thanks for introducing me to hide. He saved my life," Hopefully my wish will happen. I want to work for him, or at your museum (which I -will- visit, I promise). That would be awesome. Or maybe at your store? I want a guitar like yours. I'll save up the money to get it. A Gibson, right? I have so much to write, but I think I'll save it for next year. Again, you mean so much to me, Yoshiki, your fans, and your friends. We truly do love you. Rest in peace, hide. You deserve it. Love, Marita ♥ Pink Spider I wrote this for you: though you died an unnoble death, though you devastated your fans, though you hurt your loved ones, they love you still. your music touches us, inspires us, is proof of your grand yet short life, it helps us. helps me in tough times, it lifts my spirits up listening, knowing you poured your soul into your art. knowing you cared for one thing so much, it hurts that you left it behind, but it still lifts up fans and inspires, touches us and warms our hearts. we love you until death, will not forget your love, will never forget you, as a person you lived and you hurt, you loved and you smiled, you celebrated and made others laugh, we love you. i love you, and so do they; your fans, friends family. Thank you. RIP hide... May 2nd, 1998. We'll always remember. |