Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.
Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
A: Vibrato.
Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two.
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
Q: What's the difference between a garbage truck and a bari sax...
A: One's a massive, noisy, scum-encrusted hulk and the other is a public sanitation vehicle.
Q: What's the difference between a tenor sax solo and a bottomless pit?
A: It's reasonable to hope that a bottomless pit won't go on forever.
Q: What's the difference between a tenor and a bari?
A: The bari holds bigger plants.
Q: What is the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad sopranoino player?
A: The sopranoino player could kill you.
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug in the vacuum cleaner before it sucks.
Q: What did the bari player get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.
Q: How is a tenor solo like a sneeze?
A: You can tell it's coming but you can't do anything about it.
Q: What does a lawsuit and a saxophone have in common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Q: What is the definition of a half step?
A: Two altos playing in unison.
Q: What's the difference between a horn player and a director?
A: Two measures.
Q: What is the difference between a squirrel and a French horn player in the back of a taxi?
A: The squirrel is probably going to a gig.
Q: What's the difference between a trumpet player and a french horn player???
A: Trumpet players think that they are gifts from God and horn players know it.
Q: What is the range of a French Horn?
A: About 35 yards if you chuck it real hard.
Q: What's the difference between playing a French horn solo and wetting your pants?
A: Both give you a warm feeling but no one else cares.
Q. How do you know there's a flute player at your door?
A. You don't. They can't find the right key and don't know when to make the entrance.
Q. How do you get 2 piccolos to play in tune?
A. Shoot one.
Q: What is perfect pitch on a flute?
A: When it misses the rim of the toilet as you throw it in.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the flute recital.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the
road and a dead flutist in the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Four flutists drive a mini-van off of a cliff. What is the
tragedy?
A: You can easily fit eight flutists in a mini-van.
Q: What do you have when a group of flutists are up to their necks in wet
concrete?
A: Not enough concrete.
Q: Why do flutists leave their instruments on the dashboards of their
cars?
A: So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A flutist.
Q: What do trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q:What did little Johnny's mother tell him when he said "I want to be a trumpet player when I grow up"?
A: "But Johnny, you can't do both."
Q: How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trumpet player's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
Q: What's the first thing a trumpet player says at work?
A: "Would you like fries with that?"
Q: What is the range of a trumpet player?
A: It depends: how strong are you, and how much do you want to hurt him?
Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.
Q: What is a gentleman?
A: Somebody who knows how to play the trumpet, but doesn't.
Q: How do you get a trumpet to play FFF?
A: Mark MP on the part.
Q: How are trumpets like pirates?
A: They both murder on the high C's
Q: Why does a trumpet have three valves?
A: Because trumpet players can't count to four.
Q: Why do clarinetists place their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in handicapped spaces.
Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
A: Cut the noose.
Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop a clarinet into little pieces.
Q: What's the difference between a clarinet solo and scraping your nails down the blackboard?
A: Vibrato.
Q: How do you stop an oboe from being stolen?
A: Put it in a clarinet case.
Q: What do you get when you cross a piccolo and a clarinet?
A: An earache.
Q: What's the difference between a clarinet and a mouse?
A: You can't hear a mouse squeak over the entire band!
Q: How do know a clarinet player is playing loud?
A: You can almost hear them.
Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louder?
A: You can't!
Q: How do you put down a tenor saxophone?
A: Confuse it with a bass clarinet.
Q: What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet?
A: Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument.
Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist's brain?
A: An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist.
Q: How do you kow if there's a trombonist at your door?
A: The doorbell drags.
Q: How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a trombonist's kid?
A: He can't swing and he complains about the slide.
Q: How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll spend half an hour trying to figure out what position he needs to be in.
Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A; On or off.
Q: What's the best kind of trombone?
A: A broken one!
Q: How do you save a trombonist from drowning?
A: Take your foot off their head.
Q: What do you call a trombone player in the street?
A: A beggar.
Q: How do you make a trombone sound better?
A: Run it over with a lawnmower.
Q: What's the first position a trombonist learns?
A: Head cocked, arm above it, finger scratching scalp.
Q: What's the difference between a trombone section and a saxaphone section?
A: The Trombone's weren't meant to sound like 2 cats in afight, but they do.
Q: What do you say to a trombonist who is wearing a three-piece suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise?"
Q:How do you get a trombone player to play slower?
A: Put a page of music in front of him.
Q: How do you get five oboes in tune?
A: Shoot four of them.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
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