AGPCAB INC
Stop Bullying Now
SILENT BOYS
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This Memorial Day I thought of a profound statement in the book "Why Boys Don't Talk And Why It Matters" by Susan Morris Shaffer & Linda Perlman... "It's time we consider the fact that approximately 30,000 males are killed every year by firearms, more than the death toll during two years of the Vietnam War (CDCP 2004) and we should ask ourselves, is this a culture worth celebrating or is it putting boys in great jeopardy? Perhaps to heighten awareness of the danger we should consider buliding a memorial to all the boys who die worshiping the only culture they knew with the only skills they had"
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By virtue of their gender, boys are predisposed at a very early age to the societal straightjacket that prevents boys from acknowledging their sensitivity and emotions. This “boy code” stunts their emotional growth, forces them to hide behind a mask of stoicism and creates a society of boys who cry bullets instead of tears. The biggest put down across Ways parents can help their boys; Honor a boy’s need to choose when to talk Find a safe private place to talk Connect through play or an activity the boy likes Avoid shaming Make brief statements and wait- don’t lecture Share your own experiences, if relevant – let your boy know he’s not alone Be quiet and listen Convey how much you admire and care about and love the boy Give your boy regular periods of undivided attention Don’t prematurely push him to be independent Encourage the expression of a full range of emotions Let him know that “real boys” and “real men” do cry and speak Express your love as openly as you would with a girl (although in different ways at times) When you see angry or aggressive behavior look for the pain behind it Let him know he doesn’t always have to be tough and strong William Pollack,Ph.D.Author Real Boys Boys Across The Global Picture As I listen to boys across A PERVASIVE HIGH-RISK HEALTH PROBLEM QUICKLY GAINING FORCE ACROSS THE NATION: Everyday, 160,000 children miss school because of fears-or acts- of bullying. 81% of students admitted to bullying their classmates 75% of adolescents nationally have been bullied during their teen years Bullying is a cycle that begins and ends with the BOY CODE, the strict rules of masculinity that punish Bullying is a cycle that begins and ends with the BOY CODE, the strict rules of masculinity that punish boys who seem feminine, weak, or gay to their peers. Boys who worry that they are not fulfilling the CODE lash out. They bully. Their victims, often the ones who outwardly seem to be breaking conventional rules about masculinity, absorb the insults and the hits. They harden themselves against the blows, suppress their sadness and shame, and contain their pain and anger. When it all becomes too much, when they can no longer mask their pain, they explode, sometimes violently, taking out their pent-up frustration and rage on themselves or others. Their behavior, tragically, looks frighteningly similar to the bullying that first provoked the cycle. Many boys, just like many girls, are suffering from low self esteem and a fragile sense of self, doubting their place in society, becoming sad or depressed and then lashing out at their peers. Thus the same set set of concerns- of being seen as unmanly, of being rejected and isolated by peers, of feeling that there’s no one to turn to for help- is what leads boys to become both the victims and the perpetrators of these destructive bullying behaviors. Scientific research reveals that a significant subgroup of boys who routinely tease and bully, far from being some small group of ruffians, are actually among the most popular members of their classes. Beginning with the BOY CODE and continuing with the push in early adolescence to pass the Impossible Test of Masculinity, to bully is both to protect and survive-to show you are a man when you doubt it yourself. It causes tremendous, at times irreparable harm. In addition to the shame it feeds off of, and the self confidence it drains, teasing and bullying create and everyday boyhood culture of hurtfulness and hostility, one in which it is more important to fit in than to care or understand. Fitting in seems to entail a push not just to conform and belong, but to abide by a caste system that ranks boys according to individual differences among them. Boys from minority groups or lower socioeconomic classes and boys with certain body types and personality traits or styles all become targeted for not hitting the mark or for fulfilling the most common standards. Boys throughout the country, urban boys as well as suburban and rural ones, tell us that by age 15 your pigeonholed into subgroups: your’re categorized emphatically as one of the “jocks”, or the “players”, the “preppies”, the “brains”, the “goths”, the “nerds”, or the “geeks” or the “freaks”, with jocks at the top of the social ladder and freaks at the bottom. The pressure is extreme, to be part of a group and compete for a rank within it. Otherwise your alone. You’re an outsider and a loser, an undesireable misfit likely to be mercilessly teased and pushed to the fringe. Once classified, each boy’s individuality and sense of self esteem to become almost permanently eclipsed. We can no longer allow a culture of unbridled boyhood bullying. To tolerate it is to look the other way at what is in fact a serious form of violence., and one that breeds even more overt, news-making forms of violence. We must develop empathy both for the bullies and the bullied. Quick fix, so called zero tolerance strategies in which we blame, punish, and banish the boy offenders are not only unfair but doomed to fail. William S. Pollack, Ph.D. with Todd Shuster Author, Real Boys’ Voices Hire William Pollack Ph.D to speak to your district parents and educators School: The Microcosm From the ages of six to eighteen our boys will spend the great majority of their waking hours at school. Because of the tremendously important role that school plays in a boy’s life parents should be asking these questions: Does my son’s school have a sufficient understanding of the emotional challenges boys face in becoming confident, successful men? Do the school’s teachers and administrators know about the BOY CODE? Do they understand the mask? Are they sympathetic to boys? Does the school teach subject matters and use classroom materials that interest my boy? Does it use approaches to teaching that will stimulate him and make him eager to learn? Is the school a place where my son feels safe, happy, and engaged, a place where he’d like to be? Most Schools Are Failing Our Boys In At Least 1. They simply do not appear to be doing a good job at noticing the problems many boys are having in certain academic subjects-namely, reading and writing-the most basic to function in our society. As a result, many boys are doing extremely poorly in these areas-less well than girls and their self-esteem as learners is plummeting. 2. Our schools and their teachers seem to be poorly versed in the specific social and emotional needs of our sons, and so they often handle these needs inappropriately or inadequately. Many of the specific difficulties boys face- the old rigid BOY CODE, the mask, the vicious cycle of shame and hardening are poorly understood or completely ignored by many schools. 3. A good number of schools are not environments that are either warm or friendly towards boys. There is a tendency to interpret their behavior solely as a discipline problem. Because the myth of “boys toxicity” is still deeply entrenched within many school systems, teachers and school administrators are often permitted to become hostile towards boys-and so they may push our son’s even further toward academic failure, low self esteem, conduct disorders, and a host of other emotional and behavioral problems. 4. To date most coeducational schools have done little to investigate how they can make the classroom experience stimulating for boys. *Most of our elementary and middle schools have a dearth of male teachers which sends an early and faulty message to our boys- that education and learning are primarily for girls and women. * Only 58% of male high school graduates make it to college as compared with 67% of females *Women earn approximately 55% of all bachelor’s degrees today *59% of all master’s degree candidates are now woman, with males’ percentages in graduate and doctoral training shrinking each year *Three quarters of students taking Ritalin are boys *Three times more boys than girls are enrolled in “special education classes” with close to 70% of all high school “special classes” populated by boys Protecting Adolescents From Harm 1977 longitudinal national study:researchers demonstrated that the largest major factor protecting young people from emotional distress, drug abuse, and violence- other than the closeness they were able to achieve with their families-was perceived school connectedness. WHO’S GOT THE PROBLEM PAYING ATTENTION? THE BOYS OR US? When schools fail to attune themselves to boys’ unique ways of learning and don't truly address our sons’ needs, the consequences can be devastating. In some schools a boy with ordinary exuberance may be “punished” by being placed in classes intended for learning-disabled children or sent regularly to a detention room where he sits unattended for several periods, losing valuable classroom time. For this unlucky boy, this may mark the beginning of a life relegated to second class economic and intellectual citizenship, invite dangerously diminished self-esteem, and significantly increase the likelihood that he’ll later be misdiagnosed with attention deficit disorder or some other psychiatric disturbance. Even for boys who escape these dire fates, being at the “wrong” school can mean twelve years of feeling like a square peg in around hole, of squirming with excess energy that is suppressed rather than harnessed, and of doing worse academically and emotionally than they would in schools that meet their individual needs and abilities. William Pollack,Ph.D.Author Real Boys *Boys still receive *States in which teachers are allowed to hit children have the most student violence and higher murder rates overall *Corporal punishment may effect short term changes in a bad boys' behavior, but ultimately it does more to fuel young male anger and aggression than assuage it *When both boys and girls are equally misbehaving, boys receive more frequent and severe penalties *Boys, particularly low acheivers, receive 8 to 10 times the reprimands of their female classmates. These reproaches are more likely to occur in front of classmates, whereas girls are more frequently taken aside in private *Boys are removed from classrooms and serve more detention than girls. They receive 71 percent of school suspensions and are expelled at even higher rates. *Boys are the victims of the majority of school violence *Boys are reffered to special education four to one over girls. They represent over 70 percent of students labled as learning disabled and 80 percent of those sent to programs for the emotionally disturbed (minority males are highly overrepresented in these categories) *Boys drop out of school 4 to 1 over girls *Boys receive more F's, have lower grade point averages, and fail to graduate more often than girls *Girls continue to outperform boys in reading and writing by much greater degrees than boys ever outperformed girls in math and science *Boys are in fewer clubs, student governments, and school newspapers than girls *Boys are the minority of valedictorians, academic scholarship winners, new college students, and those going on to graduate school *Combat sports such as football proliferate in school: annually, over 300,000 high school boys are injured, 14,000 are hospitalized-many with permanent disabilities such as paralysis-and several are killed playing football-annually 4 million visits to emergency rooms result from high school sports-the promise of full paid college scholarships, gargantuan professional sports contracts, the adoration of cheerleaders, and praise from older men all tell boys that a willingness to face violence, suffer injury, and endure pain is the formula for success. *Boys as young as 10 are now using steroids *Approx. 500,000 adolescent boys today take steroids *One of the potential side effects of steroid abuse is drug induced psychosis, so called "roid rage", in which boys become uncontrollably aggressive and violent. Other damaging effects range from severe acne and atrophy of the testicles to heart and liver damage *1 out of 5 NFL Players have criminal histories, many for violent crimes *One common fallacy in gender equity philosophy is the belief that any identified disadvantage for girls corresponds to an advantage for boys *Even though boys report similar degrees of "harrassment" from girls, boys receive the most punishment for teasing, name-calling, and other behaviors that upset girls *15 percent of 8th grade boys, nationwide were suspended or expelled in 1998-boys of all ages are suspended or expelled at 2 to 3 times the rate of girls *Boys' language skill deficits are often deeply tied to shame *A higher percentage of American boys now score in the lower ranks of literacy than in any other industrialized nation *Language skill deficit for boys are closely tied to failure in all academic, economic, and social arenas *70 percent of boys in juvenile institutions suffer from learning disabilities *80 to 90 percent of all convicted felons are high school dropouts *Boys in single sex schools have better test scores, are more likely to take academic courses, and feel more secure in their environments-same sex schools can increase boys' academic performance and reduce behavior problems *We need teachers who welcome confrontation and who can work effectively with the assertive energy of challenging boys and increasing numbers of "non-conforming" girls as well *Physicians and psychiatrists rarely spend as much as one hour determining whether a child should be drugged-diagnosis is based slolely on subjective observations of the child's behavior *Increasing numbers of teenaged boys are being charged with felonies for selling Ritalin *The number of emergency room visits attributed to Ritalin abuse, for children aged 10-14, jumped tenfold from 1990-1995, from 40 to 400-this rate matched cocaine overdoses for that group and included several deaths *Boys need a strong classroom presence that can contain and direct their aggression with caring firmness.High spirited boys need one-on-one periods or small group instruction, realistic expectations, clear behavioral limits, frequent changes in activity, and opportunities to burn off excess energy. In many schools physical recreation has been reduced to fifteen minutes a day-some host no physical activity at all-many have no functioning outdoor equipment *Inadequate schools for at risk boys represent the Second Pathway to Prison Aaron Kipnis, Ph.D., Author :Angry Young Men Staff Caught Abusing Young Boys on Tape **AGPCAB Inc. requested a copy from the CT Office of the Child Advocate Director Jeannie Milstein but have not received it yet. If anyone has knows where this tape can be downloaded or viewed please email the link. There were 119 suicide attempts last year at the "CJT$ At What Cost" To watch the media clip http://www.listenup.org/media/mediapage.php?id=358# "This youth produced documentary takes a hard, honest look at the Connecticut Juvenile Training School as youth guide you through an unprecedented on camera tour of the facility and ask an important and provocative question: at what cost and to what benefit does Connecticut incarcerate its youth?" Purchase the full documentary. Suicide In Our Country Among Adolescent Boys Is nothing other than a major national crisis. Over the last fifty years the number of completed suicides among boys ages 10-19 has risen dramatically to alarmingly high levels; and for adolescent boys age 15-19, the suicide rate has tripled since 1970. The Center for Disease Control and Prevention indicates that about 75% of all suicides committed by children ages 10-14 are committed by boys, and that among teens ages 15-19, the number increases to approximately 83%. Adolescent boys in William Pollok, Ph.D. with Todd Schuster Author; Real Boys’ Voices In 2001, 14 " It's a startling increase," says Faith Vos Winkle, an assistant child advocate for the state of Better Health Magazine 2002 A Memorial Page The |
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