JUST A BRIEF CHECK ON WHAT THE PAPERS ARE SAYING AT THE MOMENT

IN SHOCKING REPORTS REVEALED THIS MORNING IT IS BELIEVED AFC UNITED'S TITLE RIVALS STAND CC MAY HAVE HAD A MOLE PLACED WITHIN THE AFC FRAMEWORK! CODENAMED AGENT YATES IT IS BELIEVED SHE HAS BEEN STRATEGICALLY PLACED WITHIN THE MAIN AFC CIRCLES TO ELIMINATE MORAL AND EVEN CAUSE KEY PLAYERS TO ASK FOR TRANSFER REQUESTS:

LIST OF VICTIMS

MIKE WILLIAMS - AGENT YATES SPURNED HIS ADVANCES AND THE NEXT DAY HE SIGNED FOR RADCLIFFE WANDERERS

JAMES MCMAHON - AGENT YATES BEFRIENDED JAMES AND HE TOO LEFT AFC

JAMES DONELLY - AGENT YATES RIDICULED HIM UNTIL HE HANDED IN A TRANSFER REQUEST

CHRIS HEALEY - AGENT YATES OPENLY STARTED A RELATIONSHIP WITH MR HEALEY AND HE TOO COULD NOT GET OUT QUICK ENOUGH!

CARL GALLOWAY - AGENT YATES SPURNED HIS ADVANCES AND HE DULY LEFT

CIARAN CUSACK - AGENT YATES APPARANTLY SET A TRAP FOR HIM AND CAUSED HIM TO TEAR HIS MUSCLE ENDING HIS AFC CAREER

SHAUN BOYLE - AFTER COMPLETING HIS MEDICAL IT IS BELIEVED AGENT YATES HOUNDED THE YOUNG MIDFIELDER CAUSING HIM TO BACKTRACK AND FAIL TO AGREE PERSONAL TERMS WITH AFC!

WHOSE NEXT?

IS YOUNG BELLIS HER NEXT VICTIM? YOU DECIDE!!!

DANNY MCBRIDE...BEWARE, SHES ON THE LOOSE!!!

IN OTHER NEWS IT HAS BEEN RUMOURED IN SEVERAL PAPERS THAT AFC UNITED MANAGER RIC MURPHY HAS WARNED AFC STAR RICK BELLIS ABOUT GETTING TOO CLOSE TO AGENT YATES AFTER IT WAS REVEALED LAST WEEK THAT SHE COULD BE A MOLE FOR A RIVAL TEAM! AFTER MURPHY SPOTTED BELLIS WITH YATES AT THEIR LOCAL SUPERMARKET BUYING TWO WHOLE CHICKENS HE IMMEDIATELY CAME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT AGENT YATES WAS FATTENING YOUNG BELLIS UP FOR THE KILL!

BELLIS RESPONDED APPARANTLY BY AGREEING TO EAT AT HIS GAFFERS HOUSE FROM NOW ON, AND ENJOY MRS MURPHY'S ROAST DINNERS!

WITH MOST OF THE AFC STARS ALREADY TRYING DESPERATELY TO STAY WELL OUT OF THE WAY OF THE AFC MOLE, AGENT YATES, IT IS BELIEVED SHE MAY HAVE STRUCK AGAIN WITH DEADLY RESULTS!

UNLIKE MOST PREDATORS IN THE JUNGLE, AGENT YATES IS BELIEVED TO PRUNE HER VICTIMS, READY FOR THE SLAUGHTER, MUCH LIKE THE MANY TURKEYS THAT WILL BE FATTENED UP BY FARMERS READY FOR THE CHRISTMAS HARVEST!

IN THE LATEST REPORTS ON THE FRIGHTENING EPISODE, THE INVESTIGATION OF THE EXTREMELY SUSPICIOUS DISSAPEARANCE OF AFC GOALKEEPER PAUL GREENWOOD HAS BEEN TRACED BACK TO SEVERAL LUNCHEON MEETINGS WITH AGENT YATES IN A SECLUDED COUNTRY PUB! AS YET GREENWOOD HAS NOT BEEN SEEN OR HEARD OF FOR SEVERAL WEEKS AND AS AGENT YATES HAS CURRENTLY NOT BEEN TRACKED DOWN, MANY QUESTIONS REMAIN UNANSWERED!

HOWEVER ONE LINE OF INVESTIGATION HAS FOLLOWED REPORTS THAT AFC MIDFIELDER RICK BELLIS MAY HAVE BEEN ANOTHER VICTIM OF AGENT YATES' QUEST TO RUIN AFC UNITED!

THIS HAS UNCOVERED SOME REALLY INTERESTING AND STARTLING COINCIDENCES! AFTER BELLIS MOVED TO HIS NEW SECLUDED MANSION OFF THE BEATEN TRACK REPORTS THAT HE HAD BEEN VISITED REGULARLY BY A MYSTERIOUS BLONDE MATCHING THE APPEARANCE OF ONE AGENT YATES ACCORDING TO EYE WITNESSES, WE HAVE DISCOVERED THAT THEY HAD BEEN FOOD SHOPPING TOGETHER AND REGULARLY GETTING TAKE AWAYS THAT HAVE NOT ONLY BREACHED THE CLUBS RULES OF A BALANCED DIET, BUT HAVE CLEARLY AFFECTED BELLIS' PERFORMANCES ON THE PITCH!

HOWEVER WHEN WE APPROACHED A YOUNG BELLIS TO FIND OUT IF HE WAS AWARE AGENT YATES MIGHT BE FATTENING HIM UP FOR THE KILL WE DISCOVERED THAT HE HAD JETTED OFF TO AMSTERDAM AMID SEVERAL REPORTS HE MAY BE GOING INTO TALKS WITH AJAX OVER A PERMANENT MOVE!

REPORTS THAT AGENT YATES HAVE PUSHED HIM OUT REMAIN LIKELY BUT UNCONFIRMED!

IN A SHOCKING NEW REPORT IT HAS BEEN DISCOVERED THAT AFC UNITED'S STAND IN CAPTAIN RICK BELLIS COULD BE STRIPPED OF THE ARMBAND AFTER HE STRIPPED OFF IN FRONT OF A FAMILY AFTER UNITED'S OPENING GAME OF THE SEASON. AFTER UNITED'S VICTORY, BELLIS AND SOME OF HIS TEAM MATES HAD GONE TO A LOCAL BAR TO CELEBRATE, BUT BELLIS TOOK IT ONE STEP TOO FAR WHEN HE TOOK OFF HIS PANTS IN FRONT OF A HORRIFIED FAMILY! THE DISGUSTED FATHER SHOUTED "YOU CALL THAT A PR1*K!?", BEFORE COVERING HIS CHILDRENS EYES! BELLIS IS BELIEVED TO HAVE DENIED THE REPORTS ADDING "EVEN AGENT YATES HASN'T SEEN MY WINKY YET!"

REPORTS THAT AFC ACE JONATHAN BERRY IS SUCCEEDING IN OVERCOMING HIS HEROIN ADDICTION TOOK A STEP BACK AFTER REPORTS IN DAILY SPORTSWORLD VOICED THAT HIS HORROR CHALLENGE TO GIVE AWAY A PENALTY IN FRONT OF THE SKY SPORTS CAMERAS ON SUNDAY WAS ACTUALLY AS A RESULT OF HIS DEALER ORDERING A HIT ON ANOTHER DEALER, WHO HAPPENED TO BE THE FELLOW PROFESSIONAL WHO BERRY LEFT IN A HEAP ON THE FLOOR!

NEW SHOCKING CLAIMS HAVE COME TO LIGHT ABOUT AFC UNITED'S LATEST HERO MARK WILLIS. AS HIS MOTHER SYLVIA WATCHED SUNDAYS GAME FROM THE DIRECTORS BOX, HOME OFFICE OFFICIALS WERE RIFLING THROUGH PAPERWORK AFTER CLAIMS THAT HIS WIFE MEL MAY HAVE USED HER MULTILINGUAL SKILLS TO GET WILLIS A FAKE PASSPORT OFF ROMANIAN GANGSTERS THAT MAKE HIM APPEAR 29 YEARS OFF AGE, AND THEREFORE OLD ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THE FATHER OF HER CHILDREN, INSTEAD OF THE REALITY THAT HE IS ONLY 23 YEARS OF AGE AND INCAPABLE OF LOOKING AFTER HIMSELF, LET ALONE CHILDREN!

WHILE REPORTS IN SOME PAPERS REVEAL AFC UNITED'S STAR TOM MACKLIN'S FUTURE MAY BE IN DOUBT AFTER HE FAILED TO MAKE IT INTO THE UNITED SQUAD FOR THE OPENING GAME, AFC UNITED MANAGER SIR RICHARD MURPHY HAS FINALLY REVEALED THAT MACKLIN WAS GIVEN REPRIEVE TO GIVE HIMSELF TO CHARITY! GIVING HIS FULL WEEKS WAGES OF £85,000 TO BARNADOS AND INSTEAD OF JOINING THE REST OF THE SQUAD HE WAS IN FACT HELPING ECSTATIC YOUNG DISABLED CHILDREN AROUND ALTON TOWERS WITH OTHER VOLUNTEERS. AS HIS NAME RUNG ROUND THE REDVALES STADIUM IN HIS ABSENCE ON SUNDAY THIS FURTHER COMPOUNDS HIS SUPERSTAR STATUS AMONGST THE UNITED FAITHFUL!

ALSO REPORTED IN THE SAME PAPER WAS THAT ALTHOUGH MACKLIN HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE SUSPECT JOHN O'SHEA IN THE CAMP, THAT IT WAS IN FACT HIS HOMOSEXUAL PARTY GOING CHUM, PAUL GREENWOOD, THAT RETURNED FROM THE INTERNATIONAL BREAK SPORTING A NEW HIGHLIGHTED HAIRDO, 2 EARINGS IN HIS EAR, AND A TATTOO ON HIS ARM THAT OUR EXPERTS BELIEVE SPELLS "COLIN" IN ANCIENT TAIWANESE LETTERING!

ON THE SUBJECT OF TATTOO'S HEATED MAGAZINE HAS THIS WEEK BEEN TAKING THE MICKEY OUT OF TATTOO'S GONE WRONG, AND AN AFC ACE WAS FEATURED! AFC UNITED'S BODY SCULPTED ANSWER TO DAVID BECKHAM, LEFT BACK MIKE TREANOR, TOOK HIS NEW HONORARY ROLE ON THE COMMITEE OF MIDDLETON'S BOROUGH COUNCIL TO OUTRAGEOUS NEW LEVELS BY HAVING A REPLICA OF THE MAYOR'S MONSTROUS GOLD CHAIN TATTOOED AROUND HIS OWN NECK!

REPORTS THAT AFC UNITED'S NEW £27 MILLION SIGNING ASH SALMON HAS BEEN ENJOYING THE DELIGHTS OF MANCHESTER'S NIGHTLIFE FAR TOO MUCH RESULTING IN HIS GROIN INJURY WERE CONFIRMED WHEN A SOURCE CLAIMING TO BE A CLOSE FRIEND TOLD OUR REPORTER, "C'MON MAN, HE'S HAVIN A GREAT TIME! HE'S ON £100 GRAND A WEEK AN FLASHING THE CASH IN HIS ASTON MARTIN, THE LADIES LOVE IT! AND THATS GOOD FOR ME COS I GET THE ONE'S HE DON'T WANT! WOO HOO! THE FACT THAT HE COULDNT HANDLE 3 AT ONCE IS BECAUSE ONE OF THEM HAPPENED TO BE QUITE A STRONG LESBIAN WHO PULLED SOMETHING A LITTLE TOO VIGOROUSLY RESULTING IN ASH'S PAINFUL INJURY!"

WHEN TWO POLICEMEN HIDDEN FROM VIEW ON THEIR MOTORBIKES YESTERDAY EVENING SAW A CAR FLYING PAST THEM THEY THOUGHT CHRISTMAS HAD COME EARLY! WHEN THEY EVENTUALLY CAUGHT UP WITH THE HIGH POWERED BRAND NEW AUDI R8, THEY WERE LICKING THEIR CHOPS! BUT THEIR FACES SOON CHANGED AS THEY WENT TO THE WINDOW OF THE CAR AND SAW SIR RICHARD MURPHY AFC UNITED'S HANDSOME MANAGER GRINNING BACK AT THEM! AS THEY REQUESTED TO WHY HE NEEDED TO GO SO FAST HE REPLIED THAT HE HAD A HOT DINNER WAITING FOR HIM AND WAS EAGER TO GET BACK FROM THE TRAINING GROUND WHERE HE HAD SPENT ANOTHER LONG DAY! WITH THAT THE POLICEMEN NOT ONLY APOLOGISED AND WISHED HIM LUCK FOR THE SEASON, THEY ALSO ASKED FOR AUTOGRAPHS AND POSED FOR PICTURES WITH THE UNITED BOSS BEFORE ASKING IF HE WOULD LIKE A POLICE ESCORT BACK TO HIS HOUSE IN HALE BARNS JUST SO THEY COULD SPEND MORE TIME WITH THEIR IDOL. MURPHY WAS QUICK TO REFUSE AND LET THEM GET ON WITH THEIR JOB FOR SOCIETY! NICE TO SEE SOME COMMON SENSE PREVAILING!