Some news to offer up:
•My friends Brittany and Gerry has a Facebook now, so we keep in contact together :)
• I've been using the AB site a lot, now I just don't want to go on there anymore. Too many verbal abuse shit going in there. http://www.answerbag.com I made it past level 35. I've on level 46 now. Right now I'm on the Penalty Box. Sucks because I re-do my profile with HTML elements.
• Lately its been a hard time as my uncle didn't search for a new school for me to go to.
• NAHS won't accept me again. I hate Dunwoody High. The fuckin school drives me nuts.
• I'm not seeing Jose this year. I wonder what he really thinks about me...
• I re-do my Facebook profile. I had to get rid of stupid applications and get rid of stupid statuses. I can't believe that I used to care about those things. I had to change my quotes and my "About Me". I had to make it as short as possible. I deleted all the groups that I could care less about.
• I stopped eatting a long time ago. Geez, I'll just eat dinner and that's about it. I mean, skipping breakfast and lunch gives me a lot of energy for some reason.
• I started using MySpace again. Here's my link: http://www.myspace.com/damagedpieces
•And I've stopped letting people message me or send me friend requests on Myspace and Facebook.
•I have a Friendster and Hi5 account. A Bebo one too. http://www.bebo.com/miochit
•I'm re-taking all my junior classes again. Sucks. They're not even the honors courses.
•I've met a few nice people at Dunwoody though. In Algebra II yesterday, I met this girl named Jessica Johnson. She seems to be really into the scene-emo-punk look. But she's just original.
•I skipped school by walking out...just got to 1st period and walk out the door. It felt like freedome to me. Yeah I walked from Dunwoody to Doraville. Really hard, but worth it. :P
•My mother threw my clothes. It's because she got upset that I skipped school. I skipped for about a week.
•I created a group on FB, but I've deleted it. It's called Mentalists are better than Magicians. Only about four people that I knew joined. The rests are just strangers. It made me sad and depressed to know that.
•I just found out that I'm lactose intolerant. Eatting early in the morning makes me sick.
• I skipped eatting school lunches. I always have to do my makeup during lunch period. The vending machine doesn't take any change. Huh.
• I turned goth on the first day of school. I had purple lipstick on. Now I look like Kate Moss, with the herion, drugged-up look. Dark eyeliner and a skinny face.
•I'm strict as to who to befriend on Myspace and Facebook. I've already ousted Kelvin and Marvin. I've stopped letting people on MySpace and Facebook befriend me. All of my friends are on Facebook anyway...
•My father rewired the Internet to the old computer. It was slower than before.
•Running several programs to make the Internet go faster....I just hate doing that. I hate running so many programs to make it run faster. The computer is more high maintence than me.
•Naps are my favorite thing to do now. No tv and no music. Just sleep away the pain and forget about it. Just 7 hours of no torture..
• I'm thinking about going back to Yahoo! Answers.
• [♥] [♥] [♥] Updated...Friday, September 18, 2008 4:16 A.M.
Last night, I went to this great site, XXX and its great. Someone recommended this site to me, either in Youtube or the teen online chatting room (http://www.teenchat.com/). I thought that it might be a joke site or that it doesn't exist at all. The porn is pretty much hardcore, and the sex is somewhat boring to watch. A few are funny, and WHAT? NO CONDOMS?!! I got pretty turn-on at the clips, they were so long, but addicting!! So sex isn't that gruelsome or bad after all. i thought thta it might be pretty shocking, but its not that bad!! :)
The dudes are pretty large. I bet the sex is not that great. HAHA. LOL. And the ladies have huge vaginas. And why are they laughing and smiling after the guy cums into her face and mouth? It's always at the end. Makes no sense at all. The beginning is pretty much the same, boring: Guy gets oral from girl. Guy gets into her. Guy fucks her without a condom (AIDS?). Guy sometimes and occasionally pulls out and gives girl oral sex More fucking. then he cums into her face. I wonder if that's how guys cums?! They shake his penis like a bottle or something.
I think that I'm addicted. God, me and the neighbor guy. I want a fucking. From him. :)
How did I found out? HA! Internet. Greatest source of info EVA. (EVER)Just go to Answerbag and aska question like Where can I find sexual predators in my neighborhood? And you'll get websites from mindless dweebs who lists websites for me to go to. I found one in my neighborhood. He likes to fuck underage girls. I wonder who reportd him? I was about to think about going around the neighborhood on Saturday, but I realized that I have to wait until Monday. I'm going to walk around my neighborhood first thing in the morning tomorrow. (Today is Sunday, BTW).
I want to see if his car is there. I want to see if he's home. I want to pretend to walk around until he invites me to his van. Great spreading place for us to fuck around.
I guess that I'm discovering my sexuality. ♥
I'm keeping silent until August 11. Jose doesn't know that I'm coming back. Won't that be a shock to him?!
Sunday, July 20, 2008, 10: 36 P.M.
I have decided to not even go to college. After high school, I'm outta here. No more heartbreaks and no more emptiness ;)
More links will be posted soon. But I have to do this and hurry up with it. My period ended today and started Monday. So sucess to that. I'm sure that the dude provides it. You gotta pay to play.
I think I'm going crazy. It gets so wildly out of control and sometimes I just want to stab someone in the throat and be very very happy about it. It seems like this staravation thing is about control, and I get rush from it. I've learned to ask questions, for example, why would I eat this? Why would I want this? I'm in a possessive state of mind and I'm going a bit wild here. I'm thinking if I made the right decision to go back to NAHS. Maybe I should stay at Dunwoody High School to spare uncle the trouble. And everytime I look out the window, its always fuckin bright and I wonder why light existed. And tv watching is very hard. I couldn't bear to watch Oprah anymore, its getting more. and reruns are driving me wild. So what is happening to me? I'm on Facebook 24/7 to see if Jose is ever going to be online and I go there even though I'm bored. It's tiring for me to go there every single day and every single hour. Everytime I wake up, its Facebook, and then more facebook through the entire day and well into the evening. Sometimes I even go past midnight!! My best is staying up all night until 8 A.M. in the morning, no breaks! I would really like to smash something right now. I'd really like to eat the one meal per day thing again. I don't even eat breakfast anyways. Lunch is always at 2 P.M., when I've fully awake and out of my crazy dreams. They're mostly fantasies but I always ended up going back to bed anyways. Dinner....what is that? LOL> it varies, I really don't know..maybe a bowl of ice cream. I'm sick of ice cream. Every single week, its an enormous tub. I'd wish that my father could use that money wisely! I owe him everything. And as for mama, I'll think of something, since she has not lived a good life. But I have no idea what I'll get her.
- Thursday, July 16, 2008, 4:01 P.M.
Forget that last post...hehe :)
I talked to my uncle precisely at 9:20 P.M. last night about my decision to go back to NAHS. He agreed and I get the opporunity to go to the school and ask for the registrar to register me for the next school year. I'm ready to make my stand and defend myself if they said no, and that I cannot go because its too far. I was crying so hard yesterday :(
Two days ago, I went to the dentist for a cleaning. Not bad. Not bad at all. It doesn't hurt as much, and that Jeff guy is gone. Maybe today isn't his shift day or that he finally left the dental office? The dentist did a great job of removing stains that didn't go away. My teeth feels so polished and clean now.
I've decided to make amends with Jose and that I got so caught up with it. I forgot that today is my father's birthday!! Yikes!! For the 1st time in 17 years, I forgot my father's birthday. I just wondered why there was a cake on the table and fried rice and noodles.
Now I'm worrying. He's getting older and I'm fearing everything. How old is he? At least 60? (No, I'm being serious). And when is he going to retire? No wonder he doesn't go to work much!! I just thought that he was lazy. And what about money? And the house? And the food? What happens will I turn 20 years old? Will he die? I'm fearing everything about getting old!! Who's going to maintain everything. The mark of getting older...birthdays. How could I have forgotten about it? I've got to make a list and hang up calendars. And write down events.
Wrinkles is quickly showing up on my frown lines. As days past by more and more, I don't know if I can handle it. I just hope that I can savor every moment of eveyr dya and hope for the best.
- Saturday, July 12, 2008, 9:37 P.M.
I guess that I've decided to let him go. And its like a thousand stabs to my heart....but thats life. If you truly love someone, you'd let them go...
Dentist tomorrow. I hope I had some luck there. Uncle is going to pick me at 11 A.M. , but I don't think that I'm going to wake up that early. Waking up knowing that my hopeless dreams are crushed only makes me want to be a deep sleep..and never wake up. I wake up at 2 AM every morning, when I can't fall back asleep. I'd missed breakfast and lunch. But the time that I wake up varies. Why does life treat me so cruel? And I'm so lost at Dunwoody High School. I've made my decision. I'm going to stay at Dunwoody. I guess that I've got to learn how to adjust myself there. I'm not going to NAHS ever again.
I'm going to stop writing to Jose. And delete all my Wall posts. I would be so devestated if he has a girlfriend, but what can I do?
- Thursday, July 10, 2008, 11: 40 P.M.
No news from Jose at all. "Its better to be loved than to be ignored."
I went outside to my own backyard in seven months. All while thinking of my broken dreams. I've realized that I broke his dreams too. And it pains me to just be ignored and never acknowledged for the last six months. ( I've written to him several times and he never replies at all, maybe except one or two letters). I think that I've written at least 67 notes in the past six months. And all the while I'm feeling kinda empty and just wishin and wishin but they never come true. To hold on that wonderful feeling eight months ago is nonexistent. I used to be so happy that he is mine and mine alone (...in my head and heart...).
Why did Milena have to get in the way of such things? I'm not pretty at her, like her, and he could have chosed her over me easily. She is definitely the epitome of sexy. God, I hate jealousy so much!! But instead he chose me. I sometimes wonder if he gets swayed easily? I hate my looks so much; I look bad with makeup on. And every night, its the same old dream and waking up to it......is very painful.
This week, I'm just rambling through different decisions regarding my life. It hurts to write and write to somebody that I obviously cared about but he doesn't respond back at all. :( Jose never writes at all, I'm wondering if he writes on anyone else's Wall, for example, his closest friends? It turns out that he doens't. So I am happy for that. I had a good Fourth of July Day yesterday. But the time just makes me worry so much about my life! Time's rapidly running out and I just hated seeing the time and date going past by.....
Well this past two days has nothing but a shock to me. This news story really hit the ground with me because it could've been me, I couldv'e leaped off the edge of the ground and find myself. Model Dies
I've decided to give you up, you're The One for me, but I cannot stay in this type of condition and emotional pain forever :(
My email is getting slow (I'm not getting enough emails at all) and everyday is going by slower, I feel like I'm gonna die of boredom!! Jose hasn't replied to me at all and all I can think of is goodbye. I just realized that I don't care anymore, I'm tired of the same old insults and the ignorance of the student body!! But I am tired of lost love and the pain, I'm thinking of marriage too fast, but I wouldn't car what anyone says. I'm sure that the stupid mail order husband website will give me some sort of notification when he responds. I'm not getting any right now, so WTF?
I couldn't even imagine the sex with a stranger, but that's just life. I'm missing Jose terribly and theres nothing that I can do about it. :( Meanwhile, I'm just on Facebook constantly.
Guess what? I got diagnosed for lactose intolerance (http://www.webmd.com/) I can't even eat my favorite food anymore, which is pizza. That's just very painful to me, maybe there cheese substitutes that you can buy at the stores? I'm feeling lost and really at home, as usual. Maybe tomorrow I'll go out for a bit and see what happens. I do miss those Mexican boys that always stares at me and makes dumb remarks. I miss them so much.
Monday, June 30, 2008, 10:02 p.m.
Well, I'm just banging my head against the wall just trying to get in contact with Jose and its been so difficult. I've written to him about 10 times, and he only responded only twice. I have no idea what's going to happen next year in school, and I hope that I go back to NAHS in hopes of finding him again. I knew that he was THE ONE. He's not speaking or writing to me, which make me very depressed lately, awaiting his answers. He seems to be in a lot of mood swings, mostly angry. I've figured it out that I'm to blame for most of his moods. I guess that he doesn't want to read letters from me or even heard from me again. He seems to be hiding some unwanted pain, mostly from me, as I've read on his Myspace page that he was drunk on Friday and hungover Saturday. I missed him terribly. I almost wrote that I loved him as a status on Facebook!! How terribly stupid would that be; I've done some more stupid stuff in my life and this could be the worst....eh..not really. I've done even worst things in my life and I've sometimes regreted it.
Brittany hinted that she might be back to NAHS next year last year in junior year, and she might come back next year when I'm a senior. I am definitely going back to NAHS to see her; she is so awesome, she makes my day rock :P She is the glue to the entire group, and I can't wait to see Gerry. ( although she never replied to my e-mails, which is strange. I've written to her loads. At least she is doing something over the summer break, besides going through a period of withdrawal and laziness). Alright, I just admitted my laziness and I hated it. I wished that I could get a job, but I hate walking to the train station every morning to go to work, its the worst thing ever. I mean, walking at least half a mile to get to the train station to work? Commute to Atlanta is at least 3 hours long!! An hour walk, plus the train doesn't start until thirty minutes to one hour because its so empty.
I'm going through a withdrawal period right now and can't even bear to see my cousins. I miss the movies terribly; its been years since I've seen one. Almost six years!!!! I want to go this weekend. I'm really bored and my mailbox is empty. Where are all the guys on Sunday looking for a dirty night?!! Oh right, they are with their families, pretending that they are not chatting with a 12 year old ;p hahaha One even suggested that I go all out in a skirt, and stockings, lol. I thought that because today is Sunday and that most guys are relaxing. Actually all are gearing up for work tomorrow morning!! Huh. Isn't that a surprise? And where the hell is my mail order husband? Has it been one year since the site launched and nobody is replying? Going to websites today was so boring . My summer is a hit and miss. I miss him so terribly. And I can't eat for days. Only little meals that have no meanings to them. Sleep is just nonexistent. I rest in the daytime as not to remember how he was in the bushes. I stay up at night to read the dirty e-mails and hoping that Jose will be online. (I've found out that he is online most times at 4 A.M. I also found out, through clever Web-snooping (thank yours truly, Nancy Drew!!), that he hasn't been talking to Milena for the past two months!! I hope that they're not even going out with each other and dating. And I'm glad that they didn't even talk. :) Now that I've written the news, it makes me feel so much better now.
I'm slowly trying to get over my addictions. My withdrawal period hasn't even ended, and its getting to be about the same routine over and over again. I'll update you more when I have time. - ♠ 12: 25 A.M. Monday, June 28, 2008