I’LL BE THERE

By

Stephen M. Larson

 

I remember the day I wanted Aunt DeeDee dead.

Of course, I felt rotten right away. I mean, I thought I'd forgiven her long ago for outgrowing me, and I'd begun admiring her again, even if we weren't the great buds we once were. But there was still a little resentment left over, and it came out, God help me.

DeeDee was my favorite babysitter when I was little. Her name was really Deirdre, but what little kid can say that? I loved DeeDee. She never treated me like I was almost ten years younger. My Barbie dolls were just as real to her as they were to me, her interest in Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men seemed just as sincere as mine, and she even let me help her take care of her horse for the 4-H county fair. When I was eight and my mom - her oldest sister - died, DeeDee crawled into the little closet under the stairwell with me and we cried together until we couldn’t cry any more. My mom used to sing the chorus to Mariah’s "I’ll Be There" to me the last thing at night before I went to sleep; she must’ve told DeeDee about that, because I remember falling asleep under the stairwell in DeeDee’s arms while she sang, over and over, "I’ll be there, I’ll be there, just call my name, and I’ll be there…."

I thought DeeDee would be with me forever. Then I turned nine, and she abandoned me to go to college. I hid my resentment from her pretty well, but I think it was the first time I ever really lied to her. And she did try to keep things the same between us. She spent as much time with me as she could when she came home, and I spent at least two or three weekends each year visiting her.

I remember one visit, not too long after DeeDee had gotten her own apartment off campus. We were dressing up so she could take me out to dinner, and she told me to look through her jewelry box for a necklace. She came into the room to find me staring at a delicate gold chain bearing a dove carved from moonstone. I was crying. I told her that it was my mom’s favorite necklace, but I didn’t tell her that it had been my favorite, too, and that I had often wondered what had happened to it after she’d died. DeeDee told me that it had originally belonged to their grandmother, and that their own mother had passed it to them. I nodded as if I understood, but somehow I felt that DeeDee had stolen the necklace from my mom and me. I never mentioned it again, and she never wore it when I was around. I think she could sense how much it hurt me. After a while, the hurt almost vanished, but I don't think I ever truly forgave her.

About the time she graduated, I started noticing boys. I was in junior high, and was starting to think more about myself - how I looked, what my talents were, that sort of thing - so whenever DeeDee came home to visit, I couldn’t help comparing myself to her. Guess who came up lacking. She was everything I wanted to be and wasn't - brilliant, beautiful, athletic, artistic. It wasn't so bad most of the time. She would swirl into town for a holiday or a summer, and I could have fun with her, knowing that she would be gone again in a few hours or days or weeks. Then I started high school, and she came back to town as Miss Dee Hamilton, teacher, and I had to look forward to being compared to her all week. Every week.

I was surprised when it wasn't as bad as I expected. I didn't really see her all that often, and when I did run into her in the hall, she was always nice to me, even if I didn't always act like I was glad to see her. I figured that by the time I got to my senior year, they'd hire another senior English Composition teacher, but Red Creek High School wasn't that big. Dee Hamilton was the only one they needed, which meant that unless I wanted to give up my dream of being a writer, I would have to see her every day. It also meant that every day would present a fresh opportunity for everyone to compare us.

Red Creek is a small town. Everyone knew we were related, but you wouldn't know it by looking at us. And the boys looked - often. At least, they looked at her. I really couldn't blame them. The women on my mom's side of the family are all model-pretty and model-busty. I take after my dad's side. Their women are all "petite" and "wholesome", as they like to put it. Okay, so I’m not ugly, but I don't have DeeDee’s high cheekbones, pouty mouth and startled doe eyes, and my hair won't commit to either blonde or brown and can't even have a curl forced into it, while DeeDee’s long, thick, naturally curling hair has the colour and shine of her favorite chestnut stallion. And her body? Even if she'd worn oversized, shapeless sweatshirts - which she never did - the boys probably still couldn’t tell you what color her eyes were. My best friend, Teri, kept telling me I was just a "late bloomer", but compared to Aunt DeeDee - or even to Teri - I sometimes felt that, at seventeen, I wasn't even budding yet.

So when I suddenly found myself with a boyfriend just a month into summer vacation after my junior year, I was ready to hire a brass band, send up fireworks, and hold a press conference. Bryce and I had grown up together in the same small church, and he was always teasing me, so when he asked me out one night after our youth group meeting, I thought he was joking. He’d grown into one of the hottest guys in town, a terrific athlete, and all the most popular girls always wanted to go out with him. He seemed to have a new girlfriend every week, so I ragged him about finally getting around to me. Then I looked into his eyes, and realized he was serious. I swallowed, hard, and said, “Yes”.

I think I touched heaven that summer. Everything was so right. Bryce was every bit as sweet as he was handsome. He spent at least four nights of the week at our house, and we spent almost every minute together when he wasn’t working on his parents’ farm. It took a lot of conversations down by the creek, but he finally convinced me that he really did want to be with me, and that I was worth loving. Yes, he said loving! I lived for three days on that one word alone. It scared me, too, at least a little, because as soon as he said it, I began to be afraid of what he might expect of me. By the end of summer, though, the only thing he’d asked was if he could kiss me.

I went into my final year of high school with more confidence than I’d ever had. I was even able to walk into Dee Hamilton’s senior English Comp class with my head high. I set my books on a desk in the back half of the room and was about to sit down when a pair of strong hands grabbed my waist from behind.

"Hi, babe!"

I turned my head, startled, and Bryce kissed me on the cheek.

"What--?" I blinked up at him. "What are you doing here?"

"I decided to take English Comp."

"Why? You told me English gave you hives!"

"I know," he grinned, "but I wanted to be with you, and this was the only class that fit into my schedule."

Now I was totally confused. "But you had to sign up last year!"

"I know." He took the desk next to mine. We sat down, and he leaned toward me so he could talk quietly. "I got a confession. I wanted to ask you out all last year, but I could never get you alone. So I decided I’d take a class with you. Then this summer happened, so …."

I shook my head, and smiled. "Well, you can drop the class now, if you want, since you’ve already got me."

"Nope," he replied firmly. "This is the only chance I’m going to get to have a class with you. I’m not going to lose it!"

The bell rang, so I just reached over and squeezed his hand. Then I turned my attention to the front of the room, where Aunt DeeDee was smiling at me, and my heart skipped a beat. For a moment, I wondered if Bryce had really signed up for English Comp so he could take a class with Miss Dee Hamilton. He wouldn’t have been the first. Everyone had noticed a slight but significant increase in the male population of the class since she’d taken it over. But then she winked at me, as if to say she approved of my choice, and I relaxed. Maybe things were going to turn out all right after all!

A month later, I wasn’t so sure. It started small. Bryce hung back a couple times after class to talk to DeeDee. I knew he was having some problems with the assignments, so I figured she was just explaining something to him. Then he started going by at the end of the day. He usually asked me to come with him, and I sat by while he and DeeDee talked about grammar and punctuation and paragraph structure and rising action and dénouement. Then I found out-from one of his former girlfriends-that Bryce had been by the room a couple times without me, and that he and DeeDee had been laughing. The ex-girlfriend had a particularly self-satisfied smirk when she said this, so I brushed it off, but after that, my senses seemed much more finely attuned to both Bryce and DeeDee.

Still, I could find nothing to really worry me, until one evening while I was waiting at Papa Benito’s for a pizza date with Bryce. I was early, for a change, so he didn’t think to look for me when he came in. DeeDee was there, too, on the other side of the room. She hadn’t seen me come in, but I’d noticed her because of the jocks that kept stopping by her table. When Bryce walked through the door, his eyes went immediately to the other side of the room. I looked, too, just in time to see DeeDee grin and wink at him.

That’s when I decided I wanted her dead. I felt guilty right away, but at the same time, I felt so furious. I slipped away from the table and headed for the bathroom. I needn’t have worried about either of them seeing me, though, since they had eyes only for each other.

I wanted to cry, but there were a couple of the really popular senior girls in there. I knew the whispers about Bryce and DeeDee and me had probably already begun, and I didn’t want to give them the satisfaction of seeing me upset. So I smiled in the mirror and brushed my hair and checked my makeup and dreamed of horrible things to do to DeeDee.

The odd thing was, I wasn’t angry with Bryce at all. In a way, I felt sorry for him, like a small animal that had been trapped by a calculating hunter. No, he was helpless before her. It was DeeDee who was at fault, and I wanted her to pay.

When I came out, Bryce was waiting, so I pretended I hadn’t already been sitting at another table. I was able to keep up a cheerful conversation the rest of the evening, and the next day at school, and every day after that. I acted like nothing was different. It wasn’t too hard, really. I’d had a lot of practice over the years keeping my feelings inside. But I couldn’t completely hide my hatred for DeeDee. I know she wondered why I was so cold, but since I never put myself into any position to talk to her, she never had a chance to ask.

October came, and with it came Homecoming. Bryce had asked me to the dance long before. I probably should have told him now that I’d changed my mind. In fact, I probably should have broken up with him completely. I was sure it wasn’t too late for him to find another girl to take to the dance. But, no; I’d never been to a Homecoming dance in all my time in high school, and since it didn’t look like I’d be going to the prom next spring, I was not about to give up what would likely be my only dance. So I slapped a smile on my face and shopped for my dress, determined to enjoy myself if it killed me.

I also decided that watching Bryce and DeeDee gave me nothing but heartache, so I tried to ignore whatever they had with each other. The odd thing was, after that evening in Papa Benito’s, everything seemed to return to the way it was before. Bryce would still stop by the room occasionally for help with his assignments, but he always insisted that I go with him. In fact, he seemed to be spending even more time than ever with me. Teri, who I’d finally broken down and told everything to, thought he might have a guilty conscience, or maybe it was a ploy to divert attention. I was just confused.

The Saturday of Homecoming was bright, clear, and cool, the air touched with the scent of burning leaves. Bryce left his pickup truck at home and picked me up in his parents’ car. He was even more gorgeous than ever, and I knew that I had never looked so good myself. We went to dinner first, and more than one guy in the restaurant noticed me, even with their own Homecoming dates hanging on their arms. I was happier than I’d been in weeks. Bryce was the absolute personification of attention the whole evening, and I almost managed to forget my fears and doubts. My heart stumbled when we got to the dance itself and I saw that DeeDee was one of the chaperones, but after she greeted us and told me how beautiful I was, she spent most of the evening on the other side of the gym.

The night passed in a cloud of music and sparkling colored lights and Bryce’s arms, strong around me during the slow dances. He seemed to get nervous the longer the evening went, but since I couldn’t figure out what could be causing it, I decided to ignore it. We spent every moment with each other, until I finally had to excuse myself for a few minutes. I ran into Teri in the bathroom, and we giggled about our guys like we were freshmen again. Then I went back into the gym. I couldn’t find Bryce right away. I walked around a bit, and then suddenly spotted him.

He was with DeeDee. They were in a corner, where the lights were dim. I couldn’t tell exactly what they were doing, but every once in a while a spark of light thrown from the mirrored ceiling ball danced across them. I noticed one time that she was smiling at him. Then another sparkle revealed Bryce’s hand in both of hers, and I turned away.

I stood, biting my lip to keep the tears from spilling from my eyes. Then I felt an arm around me, and Bryce was by my side, leaning in close. "I need to talk to you," he said.

Here it comes, I thought. Why couldn’t he have at least waited ‘til tomorrow? He turned me to face him. In spite of myself, I looked up into his eyes. After a moment, he looked away. Well, I thought, at least he has the decency to be embarrassed!

"Um - I’m not too good at saying some things," he began. I wasn’t about to let him off easily, so I just waited. He took a deep breath. "These last few months have been something really special for me," he said. "I wanted to do something for you to show you how much they’ve - you’ve - meant to me, but I didn’t know what. I mean, the usual flowers and teddy bears and stuff just didn’t seem - special enough, you know? So, I asked Dee to help me. She suggested this. I hope you don’t mind."

It took a moment for my brain to register his words and for my eyes to look down. He was holding a small, velvet box - a box DeeDee must have just given him. I stared at it, feeling like my entire world had just shifted to one side.

"Go ahead," he urged.

I took the box. My hands were trembling, but I managed to get it open. Somehow I knew what was in it before I saw it-the thin, gold chain with the moonstone dove. Tears filled my eyes again.

"May I?" Bryce asked. I just nodded, and he lifted the necklace from its bed. He moved around behind me, and I felt his strong fingers at the back of my neck, beneath my hair. They were trembling, too. I almost didn’t notice the music starting. Then he was back in front of me. "May I have this dance?" he asked, suddenly shy.

I don’t even remember if I nodded or said yes. All I know is, all of a sudden I was being held in the strongest embrace I’d ever felt, while Mariah Carey was singing, "Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter, togetherness is all I’m after, whenever you need me, I’ll be there." I buried my face in his chest so no one could see the tears, but I peeked quickly over to where the DJ was playing the music. DeeDee was standing there, with a smile so strong I wondered that the whole gym didn’t light up.

That’s when I finally understood. The necklace, the song - this was more than just Bryce telling me how much he loved me. This was my Aunt DeeDee telling me that, whatever had happened or would happen between us, she would always be there for me. She winked at me, and I could see her lips moving along with Mariah’s words.

"I’ll be there, I’ll be there…whenever you need me, I’ll be there."

THE END

 

Copyright ©2002 by Stephen M. Larson