Time: The
present
Setting: A
boardroom in Hell. There is a table, center stage, with five chairs, two on
each side and one at the head, facing the audience.
As the lights come back up, we see DEMON #1 lounging in
the head chair, smiling as he listens to the sounds of sobbing from the speaker
on the table in front of him. (NOTE: All
characters in this scene, male and female, are dressed in business clothes and
exude an air of self-importance.) SATAN ENTERS behind the DEMON. He pauses,
amused, and then speaks.
SATAN: So you are the first to arrive?
DEMON #1: (Leaps to his feet, startled) I – yes, I – forgive me, my Lord Satan!
SATAN: (Frowns) “Forgive”? And where did you learn that curious concept? (He smiles tightly as the demon’s mouth moves soundlessly.) Be at ease, young demon, be at ease. I know well the pleasures of listening to the misery of defeated servants of the enemy at this time of their year. However, we do have serious business here today.
SATAN snaps off the speaker. As he does so, DEMON #2, DEMON #3 and DEMON #4 enter.
SATAN: Ah, here they are now. Be seated, my dear
companions, be seated. (They all sit, SATAN at the head of
the table.) I have called this meeting to determine what you, my
arch-demons over the territory known as the
DEMON #1: (Rises hesitantly) Well, my lord, as you recall, we suffered a setback a few of their years ago when their Supreme Court ruled that a display of this kind in a place called (consults notes) “Rhode Island” does not, after all, violate their First Amendment.
SATAN: I remember it as vividly as I am certain you do. You attributed that development to having overestimated the stupidity of the average American human, did you not?
DEMON #1: (Nods) Yes. We had counted on them interpreting the Amendment forbidding the government to officially sanction any one religion as forbidding the government to acknowledge any religion whatsoever. It’s a subtle distinction, and American humans are notoriously blind to subtle distinction.
SATAN: They were not blind that time. But why bring up defeats when I want to hear of victories?
DEMON #1: Well, after that, we decided to take a more subtle approach. Instead of directly attacking the enemy’s policies, we have encouraged a policy of tolerance.
SATAN: A policy I have never understood, and have tried to discourage over these past few years.
DEMON #1: Ah, yes, but it has begun to pay off! By encouraging a tolerance of all religions, we have begun watering down the effect of the enemy’s policies. Soon they will see the worship of the enemy as but one more choice in a buffet of religions, neither more nor less true than any other. When this occurs, we will no longer have to mount a direct attack, which really draws too much attention to the enemy, and we can allow nativity scenes to be displayed wherever they wish to display them, confident that they have become totally meaningless.
SATAN: Hmm. It could work, if you handle it delicately. Be aware, though, that any acceptance of the enemy’s policies could encourage the human vermin to actually look seriously at them, and then we will have lost them. What else have you planned?
DEMON #1: Well, the Legal Department by itself has no other plans directed solely toward this season, but we are working closely with the Departments of Education and Culture on their plans.
SATAN: Very well. Minister of Education? Your report, please?
DEMON #1 sits
as DEMON #2 rises.
DEMON #2: Thank you, your Lowness. We’ve been studying, with the Legal Department, the feasibility of discouraging Christmas pageants –
SATAN: X-mas pageants! X-mas pageants! I will not have the enemy’s name spoken in my presence! (Glares for a moment) Pray continue – carefully.
DEMON #2: (Makes a few ineffective noises, then takes a deep breath and continues shakily) We’ve been studying the discontinuation of – ah – Xmas pageants on an even wider basis than is presently practiced, and we believe we can make it dangerous for the career of any teacher who even mentions the nativity story or has their class sing carols. There will, of course, always be a few holdouts, but even if the human political and legal systems don’t come through for us, we can bring enough pressure on the school systems from non-believing parents that any school will think twice before celebrating anything more than the winter solstice or sing about anything more controversial than Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
SATAN: That should work nicely enough in the elementary schools, but what about the high schools and universities?
DEMON #2: We have little to worry about in the high schools – those students are of an age at which they find such things as pageants and decorations and even caroling to be childish. It’s not until college that a desire to celebrate Chri – er, X-mas, re-emerges. But by then, we’ve introduced them to a healthy dose of philosophy, particularly from the skeptics. Consequently, although there’s often a resurgence of such things as window decorations and caroling parties and even community projects, thanks to the Legal Department’s policy of encouraging tolerance and the subsequent watering down of the meaning of the celebration, these things become primarily a means of achieving a “good feeling”, or of doing something “for the benefit of Humanity”. Any attempt to become serious about the deeper, spiritual side of the enemy’s birth can be ridiculed into quiescence or drowned in charges of intolerance.
SATAN: All right. That’s very well and good for the rarified atmosphere of a college campus, but what about the real world, the world outside the academic one?
DEMON #2: We’ve referred that problem to the Department of Culture (gestures to DEMON #3). With your permission…?
SATAN nods.
DEMON #2 sits down as DEMON #3 rises.
DEMON #3: Your Lowness, we’ve studied the problem and found that, while often contemptuous of higher education and philosophy, the average American is highly conscious of what he or she perceives to be his or her rights. Already, property owners are fighting about such things as one’s right to enjoy sunlight over another’s right to own a shade tree near the property line. We have decided, your Vileness, to exploit that trait, with the help of the Legal Department. We’ve already planted the seeds with little neighborhood squabbles over the increased traffic caused by elaborate lighting displays; by next year, we hope that homeowners will be forbidden to display any religious decorations in their yards or on their homes as violating their neighbors’ rights to the free practice of their own religion – or lack thereof. In this endeavor, I hope to have the enthusiastic support of the – (consults notes) – the American Civil Liberties Union.
SATAN: Excellent! And how will you go about this?
DEMON #3: My plan – which, if I might point out, your Hellishness, I devised myself – my plan is to appear to the head of the ACLU in a dream and entice –
SATAN: What? What? Are you out of your mind?
DEMON #3: Oh, but your Execrableness, I –
SATAN: Silence, you idiot! Do you realize what you’re suggesting? Has it even occurred to you how many centuries we’ve endured the red-tights-and-pitchfork stereotype, simply because it made the humans believe we weren’t real, that we were only a joke? Had you forgotten that it was the disbelief in us that hid our operations so effectively? Do you seriously propose to appear – in your true form – under your true identity – to one of the most influential of them? Do not forget, fool, that once a human admits to our existence, it is but a step to the realization of the truth of the Enemy’s existence and all that implies – and don’t think for a moment that he won’t take advantage of that! That plan – which, as you pointed out, was of your own devising – that plan stinks. Go back and develop something truly worthy of me. Now, my Minister of Recreation, what have you for me? And I hope it’s better than this last bit of folly!
DEMON #3 sinks gratefully into his (or her) chair as DEMON #4 rises.
DEMON #4: My lord Satan, we have no plans other than to continue in the policies of the past. We will continue to encourage the rounds of parties that leave the man too besotted and guilt-ridden to be the spiritual leader of the family that the Enemy so desires. We will continue to stir up the crowds of shoppers to overwhelm the woman with pressures that leave her too angry and frustrated to show love to anyone. We will continue to fill the children’s minds with greed as they are bombarded with toy commercials and ads for the latest fashions and fads, leaving no room for thoughts of the Enemy. And we will continue to promote the secular symbols and celebrations of Xmas (smirks at DEMON #3) burying the quiet propaganda of the Enemy beneath a barrage of gift wrap and Santa Clauses, elves and reindeer, holly and mistletoe and chestnuts roasting on open fires – all the things that are neither good nor evil in themselves and therefore so ripe for our exploitation.
SATAN: (Delighted) Lovely! And so well put! Take note, all of you – a perfect campaign. Subtle, yet insidious. Tell me, though, have you no new plans at all? The outbreaks of base greed in past years over homely dolls or super heroes with barely concealed occultic powers were sheer genius. What about this season?
DEMON #4: We will continue these approaches to a limited extent. But we fear that if we exploit any one item too long, even the dense humans will see through the ploy. Besides, to encourage continued interest in the items of the past would defeat our schemes to instill in the humans boredom and the desire to constantly seek bigger and better and more exciting things. That why our “been there, done that” and Reality TV campaigns have been so successful.
SATAN: Very wise.
DEMON #4: We do have one nice touch that should please you. The seasonal centerfold of one of the so-called “men’s magazines” will feature a young Israeli model, reclining in a stable by a manger.
SATAN: (Over the pleased murmurs of the others) Delightful!
So deliciously sacrilegious! See that each of my staff receives a copy. Oh, and
– yes, that would be most amusing – arrange for half a dozen to be
“accidentally” mailed to James Dobson! (Chuckles)
DEMON #3: Er – your Malevolence –
SATAN glowers
at DEMON #3, who ignores the look and plows on.
DEMON #3: I – I was wondering: Why are we expending so
much energy on the Enemy’s birth, and so relatively little on his death? It
seems to me that that would be more important; yet, aside from a little work
with bunnies and eggs…. (trails off in a fearful,
table-wide silence).
SATAN: (After taking a moment to master himself) You would remind me – you would remind me – of the importance of the Enemy’s death? You would dare to remind me of my defeat – my humiliation? Of how, when I thought he was mine for all eternity, he threw off my chains, laughed in my face – in my face! – and tore down the gates of my kingdom from the inside? Is the rubble of those gates not sufficient as a constant goad to my bitterness, that you have to bring it up? Do you not think that I have tried, with all my strength, to do to his death what I have done to his birth? Oh, yes, I have tried! I have sweated blood over it, as I once made him do! But there is power in that death, power that even I have not yet been able to assail. And so I content myself with what little I can get, shrouding his birth in legend and empty ritual, seizing what souls I can, when I can. And that is why it is so important that you do your utmost to come up with a scheme that is truly worthy of hell! Now return to your work. I shall come around to each of you personally to review your plans as they progress. You are dismissed.
As the other
DEMONS leave, SATAN restrains DEMON #3 with a simple gesture.
SATAN: One moment. You have been careless once too often. You are hereby relieved of your position, demoted to Tempter Third Class, and assigned to the Pope. Be grateful that I am feeling merciful.
DEMON #3 is
speechless and can only bow and scurry out. SATAN scowls at the empty table in
silence for a moment, then sighs.
SATAN: What I need to cheer me up is a little good, old-fashioned seasonal misery.
With an anticipatory smile, SATAN settles into his chair and turns on the speaker. He is unpleasantly startled to hear a choir singing “Silent Night”. He tries to turn it off, but can’t. He tries shaking the speaker and beating on it, but nothing helps. Finally, he stands, stares at it in disgust, looks up, and shakes his fist.
SATAN: (Shouting) You’re not playing fair!
Quick blackout as SATAN stomps off in disgust. The choir continues to sing in the darkness, the sound going from the speaker to a live choir. After the stage is prepared, the choir begins humming the tune and continues to hum until the end of the next scene.