TO FLIRT OR NOT TO FLIRT

“It’s fun to flirt if you are happily married.”

--Amy Grant

First of all, let me make it clear that this is not a hatchet job on Amy Grant. The events of the past couple of years are not a concern of this teaching. And anyway, I have no desire to join the list of Christians out to trash Amy Grant. I have merely used a statement of hers as a starting point for the following thoughts.

The above quote appeared in the December 1994 issue of the USA Weekend magazine supplement to the Bloomington Pantagraph (long before the rift in Amy’s marriage). The magazine’s editors used the quote in reference to Amy’s reaction to “the hostile response of some gospel fans to her 1991 album and sexy Baby Baby video”. Where it originated from wasn’t indicated, so I couldn’t check the context, and the entire reference was so short that I couldn’t really get much more from it than what was there. So her statement has to stand as is. Given the fascination of our society with the nature of love and sex, and given the influence that Amy Grant has had, particularly among adolescents, that statement is well worth considering. Is it true? And is it something Christians can, or should, live by?

I remember Ame (my wife) and I getting into a debate with another couple in the late ‘70s over whether it was permissible for Christians to flirt. The four of us had been close friends through college, and we were all only a year or two married. I don’t recall now which side of the argument we each took, but I do remember that Pat and I were in almost total disagreement (and we didn’t disagree about much of anything; he was one of a handful of roommates I’d had that I’d gotten along with almost completely). So can honestly say I’ve considered this subject for more than a quarter century!

I think the first thing we have to do is decide what we mean by “flirting”. A lot of people consider flirting to be smiling at the opposite sex, and perhaps joking a little with them. But while this friendly behaviour is an important part of flirting, it isn’t flirting. If it is, then we’re flirting with everyone, male or female, young or old, with whom we’re being friendly. Obviously, flirting has to include more than just friendly behaviour.

According to the Random House Dictionary, to flirt is “to court triflingly or act amorously without serious intentions; play at love”, and a flirtation is “a love affair that is not serious”. (By this definition, incidentally, courtship – even in its most basic form, dating – is not the same as flirting, for courtship does have a serious goal, the sexual and romantic union of the couple.) I think this puts the whole question in rather a different light, and not a very flattering one. I think that God’s attitude toward flirting in this sense is clearly revealed in several places in Scripture. Let’s look at two in particular – one in the Old Testament, and one in the New.

The “Song of Songs” (or “Song of Solomon”) is one of the most frank and thorough revelations of God’s attitude toward love and sex. It’s not an easy book to interpret; there is some question, first of all, as to who is talking when. I like the Shepherd Hypothesis, which explains the story, basically, as follows: A young Shulammite woman has a shepherd lover; between them their love is pure and genuine. King Solomon sees the Shulammite, desires her for his harem, and takes her from her people and her lover. His attempts to win her love for himself, however, meet with failure in the face of her faithfulness to her shepherd, and he eventually returns her to her people and her true love.

In three different places in this book (2:7, 3:5 and 8:4) the Shulammite is quoted as saying, “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field; Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” The Shulammite recognizes the danger of a false raising of emotion or artificial stimulus to love. She’s learned her lesson the hard way, when her own lover left after being trifled with (5:2-6). Now, though she’s but a simple peasant girl, she’s willing to warn even the women of the royal harem against flirting!

Likewise, her shepherd lover acknowledges the power of love when he says, “Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a might flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.” (8:6, 7) In other words, if you want to play with love, be warned: You’re playing with fire, and you will be burned!

The New Testament reference is actually a combination of two or three references, all very well known. Jesus said, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28; this passage can actually be considered “gender neutral”; that is, it applies equally to women as to men.) This in itself may not seem to refer directly to flirting, since, after all, one may flirt without actually desiring the object of the flirtation (although why one would bother flirting without desire is another question entirely). But a flirtation is almost certain to incite sexual or romantic desire in the man or woman with whom one is flirting. If the object of the flirtation is a non-Christian, then the Christian doing the flirting is treading perilously close to disobedience of Paul’s command, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 6:14). And to casually cause a brother or sister in Christ to become sexually or romantically interested in you, thereby potentially breaking Christ’s command, in turn breaks Paul’s command, “Do not cause anyone to stumble” (1 Corinthians 10:32). (Incidentally, Paul has a lot to say to the Corinthians about sexual morality, as the Christians living in the midst of the very permissive Corinthian society often found themselves influenced by the loose morals around them. Today’s Christians are living in much the same kind of situation, which has resulted in an amazingly lax attitude toward sex among Christians. Both letters to the Corinthians should be studied carefully with this in mind.)

Amy Grant’s quote, as it stands, implies that a happily married person is flirting with someone other than his or her spouse. In view of the commands listed above, to do that is, quite simply, to commit adultery. But one other possible interpretation should also be considered, unlikely though it may be: The flirtation to which she was referring is taking place between happily married spouses. In this case, there is no immediately obvious Scriptural statement that I can call to mind, but I do believe the principles are still clear, when the dictionary definition of “flirting” is recalled. Playful romance between husband and wife – jokes, laughter, even a little light-hearted teasing – can and should be a very important part of a relationship. But playing at love – that is, promising something, even by inference, when you have no intention of fulfilling that promise – is, at best, cruel. And cruelty has no place in a loving relationship.

Given the commands of Scripture, I think the answer to our question is pretty clear. Friendliness is and always should be encouraged, but friendliness with sexual overtones goes beyond what Christians are permitted. When it comes to flirting, I’m afraid Amy Grant is a better singer than a moralist. Flirting in any form is just not an option for Christians.

Sorry, Amy.