That's right. Heralded by many as one of the worst movies of all time (if not the worst), Battlefield Earth was directed by Roger Christian and entered theaters on May 12, 2000. The movie starred John Travolta as an evil alien dictator, Barry Pepper (Saving Private Ryan) as Earth's freedom fighter, and Forest Whitaker as John Travolta's sidekick. People calls the film, "Haplessly directed...inscrutable!" and USA Today says that it is "Hypnotically foolhardy!" With all of the critical reception, I decided it was worth shelling out a dollar for. Battlefield Earth's plot is simple enough. The year is 3000 A.D., and humans are an endangered species. The Psyclos (which I am guessing are a cross between the Cylons of Battlestar Galactica, and the word "Pyscho"), have enslaved the population, and are forcing them to mine precious minerals for Planet Pyschlo. Being a long-time science fiction fan myself, I may have actually paid to see the film in theaters, although by a strange coincidence, each time I attempted to do so, something popped up, which delayed my viewing. Now, eight years later, it still lies in the dollar bin at Wal-Mart, begging to be seen at last. With gas prices these days, I was tempted to leave it alone, but I could not resist. We find out that humans have degenerated to their caveman state over the centuries, and believe that the stars in the sky are, in fact, gods. One particular caveman does not believe in the stories, so he sets out to discover the truth for himself. He meets some blokes on the way, and then green light encompasses the area. He gets shot, and awakes to find himself stuck in the Pysclos' base. After this, the plot gets a bit more ridiculous; he tries to escape a few times and then...HEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY! Soon, we find out that John Travolta is being punished for something or another, and has to spend the next fifty terms on Earth, which is apparently bad. There are a few bar scenes with John Travolta and his sidekick, who looks strangely like Chewbacca, but I was never actually able to catch their names. Most of the dialogue is about how they are going to enslave the humans, and how it is against the rules. Are you bored yet? Because I sure was. Samson (Barry Pepper) learns the Pysclo language, and uses his knowledge to start a band of rebels. The movie escalates to a climax on the Pysclo's homeland, where the rebels actually blow up the entire planet. The movie ends with John Travolta stuck in a jail cell, betrayed by Chewbacca, in the cage that he kept so many of his slaves in. There are several problems to the film, all of which could have been fixed with careful editing. I won't rag on the plot, because it really wasn't all that bad. The biggest mistake in the film was the drunken moron they hired for a camera guy. There were so many aerial views in the thing that I felt like I was in an out of body experience. Also, it seemed as if the guy holding the camera was passed out on the ground the whole time, because the view always had an odd tilt to it, and it was always looking up at the actors. A particularly tacky mistake occurred in the scene where the prisoners are being hosed off. A fifth-grader could have been holding his brand new camcorder for all we know, because the lens was actually dripping with water by the time the scene was through. In terms of special effects, I don't know why the writers felt the need to blur the camera at all, even in the action scenes. I am guessing they wanted to add drama, but it just didn't work. The funniest parts of the movie were the scene changes, in which Roger Christian got carried away with a particular special effect. We all know elevator doors, right? Well, whenever a scene changes, a virtual elevator door opens in the middle of the screen, which shows the next scene. Meanwhile, the previous scene is carried to opposite sides, like when the doors open in real life. At the end of the movie, almost like a tribute, the black elevator doors close in on the scene, prompting the credits to roll. Whoever edited the script was on drugs at the time, because the band of rebels finds a military base full of vehicles, planes, weapons...you name it, which haven't been touched for hundreds of years. The dern things fire up just as if they were out of the box, and Samson uses them to blow up a planet! Also, John Travolta's (and many others') lines are incredibly campy, which drag the movie out. I could go on about the negative aspects of the movie all night, but because I try to run honest reviews, I'll switch to the positive. (And let's be honest, you are probably bored anyway.) The good thing about the movie was that it actually worked in my VCR, and when I did see it, the movie was just that, a full, complete movie. No matter how bad a film can be, viewers must always remember that not just anyone can create a movie. People spent time on it, and it looked as if the actors had fun doing their roles. John Travolta even said that he had dreamed of the potential of the movie for years. This is all to say that it was not shoddily put together. The final budget was $44 million. In defense of Battlefield Earth, I respect that the actors worked hard, and the producers truly wanted to create something epic. On the other hand, they didn't. The movie flopped, and for good reason. The story shown in the film was unoriginal (although this could be accounted for by the fact that it only spanned about half of the novel), and the budget was ridiculously high for what was made out of it. The movie, despite all hard work involved, didn't have any positive aspects (besides laughter), and deserves its status as one of the worst movies of all time. It's easy to jump on the bandwagon for movies like these, and I realize that I have only provoked that bandwagon by writing a mostly negative review, but please, do yourself a favor, and rent the movie for yourself. It's good for a few laughs (although that is not to say that the film gains any points for a "so bad it's funny" spill), and you're actually doing yourself a disgrace not to see it. Movies come and go through the years, but it's important that the movie-goer sees the good and the bad. Perhaps it's just my twisted habit of watching poorly-produced movies, but I believe that to truly appreciate the value of the good movies out there, you have to see some of the bad ones too, and this is just about as bad as it gets. Battlefield Earth isn't the worst movie out there. Bad, definitely. Horrendous, quite possibly, but not the worst. Why don't you go out, rent it, and see for yourself? Your Daily Dose of Sanity, Aa6338.
I have edited the script, so as to make it readable. Here is last night's blog.
During the past several years of my life, I have really begun to get into movies. Good movies, bad movies, insanely bad movies, and such. Considering the fact that the eternal conflict between Obama and Wonder Woman is about as long as the 2007 Writer's Strike, I have since decided to keep the blog updated once or twice a week, so as to not allow the site to drop off the face of the very small planet that I have set up over the internet. Tonight we are going to delve into some of the very worst movies of the past couple years, just for fun, to entertain ourselves until debates start getting aired.
Specifically, we are going to discuss family films, because of their incredible habit of being overdone, or underdone. Some aren't terrible, like the Shrek movies, or some of the Pixar films. These manage to give the little ones a blast, while still maintaining a decent time for everyone else. Some are just downright atrocious, though. These abominations leave the theatres after only a short while, and sink into oblivion after that. Anybody remember "Racing Stripes?" That movie released a couple years ago about this girl that forced her zebra into manual labor? Everybody walked out of the cinema saying, "That was cute," and then they pick it up three months later, watch it once, and never touch it again. Another example for you to think about: "Brother Bear." That flopped big time, but nobody could tell, because of the cute bears. Pick it up on sale, forget about it for a month, watch it for the kids, then put it in a box "for future use." These mediocre movies never see a second viewing, because they suck. I'm all for a good family film, when it's unique and different. The reason these movies are left in the future use box are because they only manage to get a 5 out of 10, which doesn't cut it in today's industry.
Now we are on to the bad boys I was telling you about earlier. These movies don't just flop, they frikkin' explode on you. The honorable mention goes to the Johnny Depp remake of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," which oddly enough received positive ratings from the critics, who have most obviously never seen or read the original. The entire movie was a joke, from the first time we see Mr. Wonka dance onstage to the fireworks, to an entirely unnecessary backstory of the aforementioned candy-maker, to the revised Oompa-Loompa songs, and throughout the entire film, Johnny Depp's Michael Jackson face paint. I, personally, hated it. I remember reading the book in my childhood, then seeing the old movie. When I heard they had come out with a remake, I felt like a child again, paid the money for the tickets, and sat down...to this. Truly shameful.
Third place goes to the cheap, underbudgeted, campy, horribly acted, "COMEDY," that hit theatres a few weeks ago. The whole thing isn't even an hour and a half long. The movie in question is none other than "College Road Trip." What really screwed up this movie wasn't the acting, the length, or the horrible "jokes," but the plot. The entire movie was filled with subplots and running jokes that had no impact on the main idea whatsoever. For those lucky souls out there who have not had the pleasure of seeing this accident (pardon the pun), the movie documents an overprotective father whose daughter has just graduated from high school. That right there should clue you in that the movie is marketed at high-schoolers, and "tweens." The dad also has a young son, who, according to my memory, has not started the first grade, yet creates genetically altered pigs that solve complex Rubik's cubes. The pig is supposed to be a running joke, but I swear, nobody in the room laughed. I expected the son's ingenuity to come into play later in the film, perhaps at the time of a crisis, but no, none of that either. Just two unfunny stock characters added in to create more running time. The father takes her daughter on a trip to scout out colleges, but really, only two come into play: The one her father wants, and the one the daughter wants. Mishaps include the family crashing and ruining an innocent wedding reception, skydiving, and, in the case of the father, breaking into a sorority home and hiding under his daughter's bed. Why is this classified a family film again? The plot was everywhere, and just went you think it has gotten the worst it can get, it gets worse. The climax of the movie was practically nonexistant, and random characters and events were thrown in just to get the cumbersome family out of the situations the writers had gotten them into. There was even a music and dance number near the middle of the movie. Just when you think it is over, it isn't, and the writers fail to conclude by setting themselves up for a sequel. Utterly Disgraceful.
Runner up goes to a film that shouldn't even have been created. I went with a friend whose sister had the desire to see it, and both of us got under the impression that the other wanted to go as well. If we had communicated a bit better, the two of us could have just played Hooky, and fired up the PS3. But no. The "Family Film"'s plot revolves around death, and my friend's sister started crying. I'm not making this up. Most of the movie was sluggish, and the plot was conveyed in a very weird way, with chapter cards from an annoying little boy. The movie was named after the central location in the film, Mr. Magoreum's Wonder Emporium, a magical toy store that comes to life. I have generally been a fan of Dustin Hoffman's other works, and he did a great job with the script he was given, but that still doesn't change the fact that half the audience was asleep, and the other was left wishing that they were. Mr. Magoreum dies, everybody is sad, and a magical block of wood teaches us all that when we believe in something, anything is possible. Completely Abominable.
By a horrible, freak coincedence, "College Road Trip" was first advertised in "Mr. Magoreum." Interesting, it's like "Water World" on the Virtual Boy.
First prize goes to an animated feature that was put on for the little kiddies on the way back from "College Road Trip," which is another insane coincedence. Two horrible family films back to back. The movie was so horrible that I don't even feel like building up to the name, it was "Bee Movie." In fact, I would attribute it to the worst movie I have ever seen. The whole movie was jacked. Every joke was about bees, and the plot made absolutely no sense. Whoever created the production was smoking crack, needs to be burned in oil, nailed to a tree, and forced to beg for money for the rest of their days. I honestly did not watch this one intently, considering I was in a vehicle, and had other things to be concerned about, but I got enough honey to write a review. Let me remind everyone of the plot, because hopefully nobody actually took their child to see this on purpose. (Mr. Bee) is a college graduate, who needs a job desperately. He joins the pollenation squad to pick up girls, then gets trapped on the other side of the hive when a storm comes along. He sees some humans, goes into the room, and almost gets killed. He falls in love with (Renee Z.), who saved his life, and goes back to the hive safe and sound. Afterwards, he can't stop thinking about her, and goes back to her to chat. He gets horribly offended that humans use honey as a part of their daily lives, and gets Mrs. Renee to file a law suit against all honey bottling companies. He appears in court, and speaks to the grand jury, then wins the case and tells all his bee friends to stop making honey, because there is no use for it anymore. The bees quit, then the whole world falls apart and flowers die. Mrs. Renee loses her business, and the entire globe becomes environmentally challenged. Amazingly, there is still one festival that has flowers in it, and Mr. Bee flies with Mrs. Renee to get them. On the trip back, they accidentally take out the two pilots, and they take over the flight themselves. At the landing sequence, they screw up, and call in all the bees to save them, which they pull off. The bee takes the flower's pollen, and repollenates the entire earth at one time, as the credits roll.
There's really not much more to say about this movie. The plot is almost more like a Saturday Night Live skit than a feature length film. An Absolute Waste of Time.
There you have it folks, the top three worst family films I have ever seen. Please, I beg you. Do not take your family to see these films. No matter how much they may appeal to your teenage daughter, your six year old sweetypie, or your ten year old animal planet guru. It's not worth your money, believe me.
That's right, I'm not. I updated this site just to tell you that. The reason I haven't done jack squat to this place is because nothing has really happened besides Mr. Clemens and his steroids. Billary is still running; American Idol 7 is boring, and I won't watch it; and frankly, it's just been a dreary month. What IS new is my 30-day free trial of Adobe Flash CS3, which I intend to purchase at the next conveniant (and affordable) opportunity. Hopefully, through that valuable tool, I will be able to communicate better with the (three?) folks out there who have actually seen my screenname on the web. Hang in there everyone.
