Nath

One

Oh my god. Dear God, I wish I could stop the pounding of my heart from going so fast. Thinking of it I thought that I would never ever see her again. Receiving an e-mail just week’s back telling me that she will come to visit put a smile onto my face. After three and a half years of just writing letters and not actually talking or meeting each other, I never thought it would lead to meeting once again. I have so many fond memories that I would love to relive again.

I am working at the moment. Well if you call it work. Working In a convenient store isn’t my idea of a proper job, but hell, it pays for my beer. In a couple of hours I’ll be finishing. In a couple of hours it will be countdown time. In a couple of hours she will be there on the doorstep with her friend. A friend I have yet to meet, and a girl I have not seen in three and a half years. A girl I actually fell in love with those three and a half years ago. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t nervous, because I am, very. All I can think about is whacking back as many beers as I can, to stop myself from being so nervous. I need to calm down the pounding of my heart. But I cannot do that, not here in the workplace. Working at the local store and drinking would not be a good thing to do especially when trying to sort out the deliveries.

Every time I think about her all I can think of is those ‘MTV’ nights. Nights when we used to spend time watching music videos until the early hours of the morning. Why nothing happened between us back then, I don’t know. It’s something that’s been swirling around my mind for what seems like a decade. We got so close (not close as in sexually, but we talked a fair bit, and enjoyed each other’s company). I guess I didn’t want to say anything in case I was rejected. Rejection can be such a harsh thing. Especially coming from someone whom you like.

Lisa sat on the reclining chair and me on the sofa. Sometimes I would look out of the corner of my eye to catch a glimpse of her. Sometimes catching her glancing at me from the corner of her eye. How I liked the look of Lisa, the concentration on that face, as she was engrossed in the television. I wanted to have something with this person. How could I get closer to her? What kind of thing could I say? My mind was messed up, I wanted to say something to her but it seemed impossible. If I thought of something to say, I know it wouldn’t come out the same. Maybe it was because I was only sixteen. If I had been drunk and older then yes, yes I would have said something. Well being under the influence of alcohol wouldn’t be good because it’s the easier way to solve Problems. You need a little courage, and a drink shouldn’t give you that. You should just go for it. You never know until you ask, but Jesus she looks so beautiful, so sweet. I can see it now. My mouth opens and I speak, finally I say what I want “Would you like to sit over here? You can sit closer to me, if you want to that is.” What a stupid question, but that is what I wanted to say. Instead I asked questions like: “Do you like this song?” or “What do you think of this band?” I think I should have asked the other question; it couldn’t have been more pathetic than the last two. All that shit happened two of the nights she was staying with my family, two nights out of fourteen. Boy did I mess things up. Thinking back at it now, it seems so stupid. I should have just come out with it to see what the answer was.

Shit is that them? Seeing a couple of females carrying some bags containing something alcoholic. It can’t be them it’s too early. Walking down the street I cannot make head to tale of the two girls who are talking to an unknown male. Could they be friends of his? Or could they be asking him for directions? I didn’t even give myself much of a chance to answer those questions. All I could think of was taking a different route home. You could say that I didn’t feel ready to meet them just yet. I felt myself getting frightened. I’m all excited and everything, but I can say that this all so strange.

          A letter appears on my doorstep one morning (from Lisa) telling me that she is staying in England for six months as an au pair. It came to me as a total shock. I felt so excited at the thought of seeing her once again. I felt sixteen again. Anyway she gave me the address she was staying at, and we started writing to each other once again. We must have had a four-month break for reasons I can’t think of. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I found out her true feelings for me. We went out a couple of times, but only over the mailing system. A super long distance relationship. It was cooled off because of the distance. None of us was able to visit. Well I was in England, and she was in Germany. Of course I went out with other people, but that didn’t stop me thinking about her. When receiving her letters as friends, I still felt myself being happy, and happy to see that she is also happy. When not receiving a letter for a while I would always think the worst. She could have done something stupid. It would sometimes upset me.

          Back around the days of the ‘MTV’ nights I had a party. A party to celebrate the completion of my end of school exams. It was a barbecue that my parents arranged for me. Lisa was there with a friend. It wasn't the friend who was coming with her, a different one. I think her name was Mia. They were here for the holidays (the previous year they were sent as students. For some reason they wanted to return for the following summer.) Because of this they had to be there at the party, it was only right. We had drink at the party; even though we were all under the legal age, apart form the adults of course. Lisa and Mia had never touched a drop before. Well at least that is what they told us “We don’t drink”. I wouldn’t believe it so I got them to try some. I suppose by the look upon their faces it looked as though they enjoyed the contents in the bottle. Well since then, they both started to drink. I keep thinking that if we never asked them to try it, then they wouldn’t have started. That is why I sometimes blame myself if bad things happen. I don’t think I would be able to forgive myself for having something to do with Lisa’s death. Take a couple of years ago for an example. It must have been one or two months I waited for a letter. I waited everyday. And everyday I got scared that maybe she didn’t want to write to me any more. Even though there was nothing actually going on, it was still a highlight of my day. Upon receiving the letter long overdue, I found out that she had been in hospital with pneumonia. A drunken mistake of going swimming in the month of February fully clothed. Stupidity got the better of her then.

Chucking my house keys, work keys, and wallet on the side I decided to walk up the stairs to my room, to slip into something more comfortable. Anything would be more comfortable than this work uniform. T-shirt and shorts did the trick for now. Baring my arms and legs is something that I would rather do in the dwelling of my own home. Well that isn’t slightly true, because my arms are nothing to worry about. It’s these legs. The way they get thin around the shins and ankles. Sometimes I look at myself and hate the sight of my own body. How could anyone begin to like these legs, or even this chest? It’s horrid, and I have to live with this same body for the rest of my life. I suppose this is what starts all the weight loss illnesses in women. They take a look in the mirror and never get to see the perfect picture that others do. They just see this oaf that looks nothing like them, or the way they would like themselves to look.

          Thinking back at one of the letters I recently sent (well two and a half weeks ago). I remember asking her if she was single, and if so, would she like to start from where we finished. My facial expression when I saw the reply in the e-mail. I was ecstatic and over the moon. Once again we could be together. I had no knowledge of what she looked like at that present time, but still I asked. Maybe it was because I had fell for her those few years ago. Lisa was something else; there is no way you could find any other female like her.

          I sat in front of the television set in the reclining chair waiting. Waiting for a knock on the door, or even a phone call telling me the precise time they will show up. The amount of fear that flowed inside of me every time I thought she was going to phone and cancel. What would I do if she did? I would be a nervous wreck, getting all frightened, for what? Nothing. I would have got all worked up for bugger all. Every so often I would go to the front door thinking that there was someone there. Then just at that precise moment I heard the noise I was dreading to hear. It was the sound of the telephone. Racing across the living room to answer it, I noticed from the caller display that it was Michael. “Hello.”

“Alright Paul, what’s on. Are they there yet?”

“No, they should be here in about half an hour.”

The look upon my face after saying that sentence wasn’t of total confidence. I HOPED they would be here in half an hour. What would I say or do if they didn’t turn up?

“Okay, I’ll just pop in the bath and then I’ll be round. Don’t start drinking without me.”

I smiled and gave out a small chuckle. He knew what I was about to say because he too laughed. “You’re a little bit late for that. I have started already. I need as much courage and confidence as I can get.”

“Yeah! See you later, bye.”

“Okay bye.”

          That was it, end of conversation. Not the most interesting of conversations, but a simple yet understanding one. I need something to pass the time. Drinking and sitting here waiting wasn’t going to fulfil any of my needs. I need something entertaining and fun. And I found that thing sitting on the floor in front of me. It was my ‘Sega’. Nothing could compete against my ‘Sega’ and win. There was only one thing left to do, and that was to pick up the pad and switch the machine on.

Michael was a good friend of mine, and meeting each other was strange, but ever since, we have been out most weekends enjoying ourselves. Walking home from work, we started talking about video games, you know. What games have you got? How far can you get on this? And how do you get past this? I knew him before we met, but only as someone to say hi to. Anyway, we went our separate ways home, and within ten minutes I called.

“Alright Mike, its Paul.”

“Alright.”

“What are you up to tonight?”

“Nothing really.”

There was a pause, and then I came out with the sentence that brought us to where we are now.

“I was wondering if you want to come round for a few beers and play a few games. You know.”

“Sure, but I have to be back by 22:30. There is something that I need to watch on the television. I can’t miss it.”

“Okay, you know where I live don’t you. Its number 41.”

“I’ll be round about 8. See you then.”

“Bye.”

          That was it. After that one phone call we got together just about every weekend to go and piss our cash up the wall. He never did get home for 22:30 to watch his movie. He ended being an hour late.

          Playing on the computer for an hour or so, I wondered. Wondered whether or not they were actually going to turn up. My heart still thumping through my chest. I must have gone through three or four cans of beer. Boy did I need the toilet. But you know what it’s like once you’re in a comfortable spot. You can never be bothered to move to somewhere that seems so far away. I was in that same position, I had to stay and listen out for the front door. What if they knocked and I wasn’t able to hear from the bathroom.

I kept trying to think up excuses for not going. Maybe they would knock so quietly that they didn’t want me to hear them. Many thoughts went around my head that day. It felt like I was going crazy, crazy over something that could be nothing. She could take one look at me and think ‘He’s changed since I last saw him. I preferred the look back then’. You could say that I have never felt this nervous in my entire life, because you can’t count the times when you had to read something aloud in school. No! This is completely different. I have never passed myself off as good looking, and have always been shy when it came to girls. I don’t know why, but it’s something that has always been me. I guess that explains why I feel so nervous about tonight. I can never handle rejection (I don’t think anyone can). Some people react in various ways. Some may resort to violence, while others would get depressed and not say a word. I think I would choose the depressed option. If being rejected, I guess I would just stay quiet for the rest of the night, or until I was drunk enough to forget it all ever happened.

          The more I think and worry about things, the more I need the bathroom. I don’t think I could wait until they arrived. I’ll end up pissing myself. Oh sod it, I’m off. Before sitting back down I checked to see if no one was at the door, or on there way down. I didn’t want them standing there waiting because I never heard them. Outside it was pouring down, so I don’t think anyone would be first in line to stand out in it. I knew that deep inside that I would have a couple of drowned rats washed up on my doorstep. Wanting to come in out of the rain, and into the warmth.

          I wandered around the downstairs of my home trying to pass the time, still in my shorts and T-shirt I felt myself getting a little cold. I wish all of this waiting will be over soon, I don’t think I can stand this any longer. This is all doing my head in. Why couldn’t she have just given me an exact time? Instead she said that they would be here after five. It is now after six, and still no sign of them. Not even an attempt to make a phone call. I remember Lisa saying that she would have a few drinks on the train to build up some courage. I suppose, in ways she needs it, just as I do. I can’t begin to imagine what it’s like for her. I only know how I feel about all of this. The only thing I am happy with is the fact that my parents are not here. I have the place to myself for the whole weekend, and they don’t have any idea of what I have planned. Of course I will tell them when they get back, because they can’t say anything once something has already happened.

          Sitting down with another beer I continued to wait whilst playing video games. I couldn’t stop thinking and stressing ‘Will you just hurry up.’ It would get me out of this quivering wreck of nerves I’m in. Once meeting them I should be fine. I should then go on to worry about what I say to them.