Things You Can Only (safely) Say at Thanksgiving

1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. You still have a little bit on your chin.

14. How long will it take after you stick it in?

15. When the little thingy pops up it's ready.

16. Mmmm, moist meat.

17. I'm stuffed!

Food Spoilage Tests For Dairy Products

Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt.

Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.

Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese.

Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.

Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

Things to Ponder

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Senile Virus

Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it ..... so be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1960!

Symptoms of the Senile Virus:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.
   

Chinese Proverbs

• Man who run in front of car get tired.
  
  

• Man who run behind car get exhausted.
  
  

• Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
  
  

• Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
  
  

• Man with one chopstick go hungry.
  
  

• Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
  
  

• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
  
  

• Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

• Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

• War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

• Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

• Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

• It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

• Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

• Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

• Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

• Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

• Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

• Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

The Root of Women's Problems

MEN tal illness

MEN strual cramps

MEN tal breakdown

MEN opause

GUY necologist......................

And when there is real trouble, it's a
HIS terectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men

Why Men Aren't Secretaries

Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:

"Someone from the Guyana Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal."

New Employee Guidelines

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows:
Jan. 1, July 4, and Dec. 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal and maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that is all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada shoes & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.
Management

New Words for the Workplace Vocabulary

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's Grand Jury testimony is another.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

The Joys of Womanhood

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."
Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

30 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life

Male or Female Nouns
Certain nouns in the English language should be considered male or female. Here are some and why...

SWISS ARMY KNIFE
Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS
Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE
Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON
Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES
Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE
Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE
Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER
Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS
Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY
Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS
Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER
Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL
Female...Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

How to Shower

How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
3. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
4. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note...Must do more sit-ups.
5. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
6. Wash your hair with Cucumber Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
7. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
8. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner, enhanced with natural avocado oil.
9. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
10. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes, until red.
11. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
12. Rinse conditioner off hair. You must make sure that it has all come off.
13. Shave armpits and legs.
14. Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead.
15. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
16. Turn off shower.
17. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
18. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower.
19. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
20. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
21. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.
22. Tweeze hairs.
23. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
24. If you see your husband along the way, cover any exposed areas, then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How to Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.
2. Leave them in a pile.
3. Walk naked to the bathroom.
4. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the "woo-woo" sound.
5. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (you don't)
6. Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
7. Get in shower.
8. Don't bother to look for a washcloth...You don't use one.
9. Wash your face.
10. Wash your armpits.
11. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
12. Crack up at how loud your farts sound in the shower.
13. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
14. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
15. Shampoo your hair.
16. Do not use conditioner.
17. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
18. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
19. Pee (in the shower).
20. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
21. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
22. Partially dry off.
23. Look at yourself in the mirror. Flex muscles. Admire the wiener size again.
24. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
25. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
26. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist.
27. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
28. Throw wet towel on the bed.
29. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
    

If Men Ruled the World...

• Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
  
  
• Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
  
  
• Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
  
  
• When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
  
  
• Birth control would come in ale or lager.
  
  
• Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
  
  
• The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
  
  
• "Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
  
  
• At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
  
  
• It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
  
  
• Tanks would be far easier to rent.
  
  
• Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
  
  
• Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
  
  
• Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
  
  
• On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
  
  
• Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
  
  
• Two words: ALLY MCNAKED.
  
  
• Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
  
  
• The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
  
  
• The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
  
  
• It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
  
  
• Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
  
  
• When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
  Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
  You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
  Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
  
  
• Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
  
  
• The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
  
  
• People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
  
  
• Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
  
  
• Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

One Liners

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Hallmark Cards You'll Never See

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire.
I noticed your cat. Sorry!

You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it.
She moved in with me

You totalled your car.
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That case of Bud Dry?

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in hell 'til I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Ever find out who the father is?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep."

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Alabama & Mississippi).

Haiku Error Messages

PUNS
Some people love them, most people hate them, everyone groans when the hear them.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Words Women Use

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine".

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

Life Before Computers

An application was for employment,
A program was a TV show,
A cursor used profanity,
And a keyboard was on a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age,
And a CD was a bank account,
And if you had a corrupted disk,
It would hurt when you found out!

Compress was what you did to garbage,
Not something you did to a file,
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for a while!

Log on was adding wood to a fire,
A hard drive was a trip on the road,
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And a backup happened to the commode!

Cutting, you did with a pocket knife,
Pasting, you did with glue.
The Web was where a spider lived,
And a virus was the flu!

Top 20 Things You Won't Hear a Programmer Saying

1. Oh, sorry. My mistake. I will fix my programming error right away.
   
   
2. IF (what_he_say$=interesting$) THEN BEGIN
   SET heck:=frozen_over;
   SET pigs:=airborne; SET me:=Queen_of_Sheba;
   GOTO the_top_of_our_stairs;
   END
   
   
3. So, I met this girl at a club last night...
   
   
4. I think this program should do just what the customer wants, not what we think is "kewl".
   
   
5. I finished the code two weeks ago, I'd just like a little more time to polish the documentation.
   
   
6. Before I start coding, I should find out exactly what this program is supposed to do.
   
   
7. At some point, we have to count on the intelligence of the user.
   
   
8. Microsoft makes all the best programs.
   
   
9. I got into programming so that I could interact with other people. And I really love doing documentation.
   
   
10. My girlfriend said ...
    
    
11. Hmmm.... needs more testing.
    
    
12. I-I-I t-t-h-h-i-n-n-k-k I-I-'ve h-h-ha-a-d e-e-n-n-ou-gh c-c-c-a-a-f-f-i-i-n-n-e-e n-n-o-o-w.
    
    
13. I've fixed all the bugs, added all the features you wanted, so if there's nothing else, I'm going to leave a few minutes early for my date. Or I should say dates...Mimi and Kiki are twin lingerie models.
    
    
14. On this project, I want to apply what I learned from The Mythical Man-Month and spend time on the requirements and design instead of just banging out code.
    
    
15. The hardware is fine, we should fix this in the code!
    
    
16. Yes, my dear, of course. I will drop everything and come to meet you right away. Who cares about all this stuff anyway? YOU are so much more important to me and I have worked enough to complete my daily 8 hours!
    
    
17. I wish we could do this in COBOL (or: FORTRAN) !
    
    
18. We've hit a bit of a problem. This task is going to take a little longer than I expected in the initial estimate. My fault.
    
    
19. Star Trek isn't really real. It's an abomination of social ethics.
    
    
20. I can do that in five minutes, just have a coffee and it will be ready.
    

How to Poop at Work

Kids on Marriage

25 Signs You've Grown Up

You Know You're Trailer Trash If...

• The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

• You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

• You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

• You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

• Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".

• You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

• Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey watch this!"

• You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

• Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

• Your junior prom had a daycare.

• You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."

• You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

• The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

• You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

• One of your kids was born on a pool table.

• You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

• You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

• You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
  

You Know You're 30ish If...

• You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.

• You could sing "99 Red Balloons" in English and German.

• You're starting to believe that maybe having kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

• You did the LeFreak with Chic.

• "All-skate, change directions" means something to you.

• In high school you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.

• You wore anything Izod, especially collar up, or the windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around your waist.

• You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were really cool.

• *You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, Rick Springfield or Cyndi Lauper video.

• You actually know who Rick Springfield is.

• You rode in the back of the station wagon and faced the cars behind you in the "tail gunner" position.

• Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you were educated.

• You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.

• You had a poster of Bo, Luke or Daisy Duke.

• There was nothing to question about Bert n' Ernie living together.

• Knickers and leg warmers were cool.

• You ever wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar or you choreographed "Dancing Queen" by yourself in your room.

• The first time you ever kissed someone was at a dance during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.

• You ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.

• You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding.

• You know who shot J.R.

• This rings a bell: "and my name is Charlie. They work for me."

• You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut.

• You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed 867-5309" to see if Jenny would answer.

• You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.

• You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.

• Your jaw still aches from those "brick-sized" packages of Bazooka gum.

• The phrase "Where's the beef" still cracks you up.

• Two words: feathered hair

• Toni Home Perms

• Donny and Marie, Love Boat and Fantasy Island were shows to look forward to watching when the weekend rolled 'round.

• Jumpsies, Double Dutch.

• Breakfast in America.

• Watching the Brady Bunch after school (it would highlight your day if it was the Hawaiian episode)

• Six Million Dollars would be a small price to pay today to rebuild a
  man, or woman.

• You would recognize the plastic insert that fit into a 45 record.

• Ponchos and Gouchos and L'eggs Pantyhose.

• Kissing Potion.

• Macramé Plant Hangers and bean bag chairs.

• Putting straws or playing cards in your spokes.

• Smoking was allowed in the theaters.

• Dixie Riddle Cups.

• Holly Hobbie and Stretch Armstrong.

• Whatever happened to your string art project?

• Don't forget slime (some even had worms in it)

• And after Land of the Lost came Shazam and Isis.

• "I can name that tune in three notes".

• Eight is Enough, Family and Quincy.

• "I'd like to buy the world a coke..."
  

Employer/Employee Lingo
People don't often mean what they say, especially during job interviews. Here are some phrases often exchanged between employers and employees - and what they really mean.

Employer Lingo:

"Competitive Salary"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Join Our Fast-Paced Team"
We have no time to train you.

"Casual Work Atmosphere"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"Must be Deadline Oriented"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"Some Overtime Required"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"Duties Will Vary"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must Have an Eye For Detail"
We have no quality control.

"Career-Minded"
Female applicants must be childless and remain that way.

"Apply in Person"
If you're old, fat, or ugly, you'll be told the position has been filled.

"No Phone Calls Please"
We've filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"Seeking Candidates With a Wide Variety of Experience"
You'll need it to replace the three people who just left.

"Problem-Solving Skills a Must"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"Requires Team Leadership Skills"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"Good Communication Skills"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and do it.

---

Employee's Lingo:

"I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization"
I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'm honest, hardworking and dependable"
I pilfer office supplies.

"My pertinent work experience includes..."
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I take pride in my work"
I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'm personable"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to coworkers.

"I'm extremely professional"
I carry a Day-Timer.

"I am adaptable"
I've changed jobs a lot.

"I am on the go"
I'm never at my desk.

"I'm highly motivated to succeed"
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

Ambiguous Recommendations
One day you might be asked to give a recommendation for someone that doesn't really deserve it. If you can't say something nice, say something ambiguous:

To describe a person who is totally inept:
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers:
"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."

To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."

To describe a person with lackluster credentials:
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

Stupid Questions

Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?

If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?

Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?

Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?

Why are Softballs hard?

Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?

If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.

Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Can blind people see their dreams?

Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?

Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?

Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?

How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?

What color would a smurf turn if you choked it?

Where's the egg in an egg roll?

Why aren't blue berries blue?

Where is the lead in a lead pencil?

Why is Greenland called green when it is covered in ice?

Stupid Quotes

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"
- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their heart through the night, and the next morning, if they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Reasons to Crawl Under a Rock

CURL UP AND DIE
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
- Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin TX

PAD PLEASE
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
- Kate Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC

HO, HO, HO
I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!
- Name Withheld

LADY GOLFER
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
- Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

NUTS ABOUT YOU
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
- Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

PRICELESS
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom.
"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

MOM'S ADVICE
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your Mom," she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Translation Guide for Women
Men are often of few words, so ladies, make sure you know what they are really saying.

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Translated: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by the ocean with a stick in my hand while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you, as a woman, have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the year/make and model of every vehicle I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - IT'S JUST A CUT, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before admitting that it hurts or that I did it to myself."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "I looked in one likely spot and it didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless where it is. I need you to use your intra-uterine radar and find it for me."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 hours yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." ...also... "But I could enjoy having sex with almost anyone between the ages of 18 and 50."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, Goodness, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving and have to pea."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "It's possible that no one will ever see us alive again."

Uncanny Presidential Similarities

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays

Man's Rules for Women

The Man Code

Actual Letters to Landlords

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."

---

"Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."

---

"I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my nob off."

---

"This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."

---

"I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."

---

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

---

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

---

"When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy."

Classified Ads

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Are You a Child of the 80's?
Take a look at this list. If you can identify with more than half of them, you are a child of the 80's.

• You know what "Sike" means.
  
• You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".
  
• You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer".
  
• You were only cool if you hung out at the Roller Rink and actually knew how to skate.
  
• You can sing the McDonald's Big Mack Filet-o-fish, quarter pounder, French Fry song while jump roping.
  
• You wore 3-8 different colored socks in layers and thought that the more you could wear the cooler you were.
  
• You know who Mr. T is.
  
• You actually believed for a minute that K.I.T. (The night rider) actually was real.
  
• You know who Fat Albert is.
  
• You wore fluorescent, neon clothing.
  
• You could break dance, or wish you could.
  
• You wanted to be The Incredible Hulk for Halloween.
  
• You believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"
  
• Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
  
• You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
  
• You wanted to be on Star Search.
  
• You can remember Michael Jackson when he was black.
  
• You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth.
  
• You remember the garbage pail kids, and owned some.
  
• You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout."
  
• You HAD to have your MTV.
  
• You always wondered why Tootie always wore those skates.
  
• You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.
  
• You watched Purple Rain over and over again.
  
• Your all time favorite movie was Footloose and you actually thought that Kevin Bacon was HOT in it!!!
  
• You remember the episode of Good Times when Flo broke down after James' funeral.
  
• You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.
  
• You own any cassettes.
  
• You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.
  
• You remember and/or owned any of the Care Bear Glass collection from Pizza Hut or any other stupid collection they came out with.
  
• Poltergeist freaked you out.
  
• You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunch box.
  
• You have pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
  
• You know what leg warmers are and probably had a pair.
  
• You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.
  
• You had a Swatch Watch with the Swatch Guard.
  
• You thought UTFOs "Roxanne, Roxanne" song was the bomb!
  
• You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
  
• You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos.
  
• You know what a "Push Up" ice cream is.
  
• You had to come in the house when the street lights came on.

George Costanza's Tips for Working

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
   
2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -and you will get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
   
3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
   
4. Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
   
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
   
6. Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during public holidays.
   
7. Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.
   
8. Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. . . . You can always borrow from the library. Thick computer manuals are the best.
   
9. Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
   
10. MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!
    

IDIOTS AT WORK
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She ! asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTINGS
Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?" Idiot

Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "down-sizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should! have lunch like this more often." Not another word was ! spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #4:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Sighting #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"
"I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."

The Good Wife's Guide
Could such advice have appeared in a 1955 issue of Housekeeping Monthly?

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

• Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
  
• Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
  
• Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
  
• Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables.
  
• Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
  
• Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all the noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
  
• Be happy to see him.
  
• Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
  
• Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
  
• Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
  
• Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
  
• Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
  
• Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
  
• Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
  
• Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
  
• A good wife always knows her place.